Mother's Day Dilemma

Does anything at all have to be done with her? Not to sound like a jerk, but send her some flowers and be done with it. Life is too short to give in to people who suck the life out of you. Growing up, it was my mom's day. Sometimes my parents had their moms over for a dinner, some years they didn't. It's not written in stone. Now that I'm a mom, my MIL and mom understand and they let my husband and daughter plan my day. We all live close to one another and see each other very often, so if we don't all get together for mother's day, it's ok.

I vote for you doing mother's day a day earlier or at least on a different day. let him visit his mom by himself.

I would do like this..........Hey mom I'm taking the girls to the beach at 11am if you would like to come along we would love to have you ; if not then we will be home around 3 and we will get ready to take you out to dinner by 5. I love you good-bye

Remind her that she had Mother's Day for X number of years and it is your turn. Send her a nice card, flowers and then go off and do something the 4 of you and turn off the phones. Do NOT let her ruin YOUR DAY. Then for Grandparents day - take her out to lunch - him and the granddaughters. That way you get your day and she will get "her" day.

If family says anything, tell them you have decided that she is now Grandma and deserves to have "her own special day" (BTW it's Sept 12th this year - National Grandparents Day)

EDIT:
This year Mother's Day is my middle daughter's 8th Bday and I am not even making it about ME it is HER Day - she will only turn 8 ONCE. Your MIL needs to stop being a BULLY and SPOILED BRAT and your husband needs to just stand up to her if the previous idea doesn't work

Maybe he and the kids could surprise Grandma (at her house while you stay home and relax) with a brunch. They could bring food and flowers, set up, visit, clean up, and then let mom know that they have to go so they can give you a special day as well. It will hopefully keep her happy while only subjecting him to 3 or 4 hours of mom time, and you could use that time to do your own mini spa right at home.

Have your husband and the kids go to his moms house and cook her a fantastic lunch or dinner, and you stay home and relax. Make sure they cook some extras for you to have for dinner! It's pretty inexpensive, it gets the kids involved, and it satisfies your request and your MIL. Good Luck, I hope it works out!

Wow - is your mom in the picture? Even with only 1 mom and you, your poor husband is probably exhausted by even thinking of this!

Give your MIL a time and a plan - something like, "We'll do our Mother's Day stuff with OUR KIDS during the day. In the evening, we'll come take you to dinner." There is NO NEED for a Mother's Day visit to take all day! Spend dinner with her, smiling and being pleasant, then GO HOME.

If you get calls from other relatives, about this or anything else involving her, tell them politely that the subject is between your husband and his mom, and that neither of you will discuss it with anyone else. Don't exhaust yourselves trying to explain and/or justify. It's truly no one else's business.

Good luck! :)

Have him take MOM and kids to the beach ;) If he cant stand his mother then spend some time with her on Saturday without you or the kids. Take her to lunch and stand up to her when she fusses about anything. Your husband needs to grow some balls, trust me I know I have confronted my parents quite a bit. Now we are at a good place in our relationship. This is also why I live far away from family, too much effin drama! I personalyl tell everyone in the family if they want to bring up drama to just stay away. Family is everything but not when its toxic.

I agree with TA....its healthy to establish boundaries with people, even mothers. You need to do what is best for you and your household....and as I often remind myself..you are not responsible for others feelings and are not obligated to do something just to appease someone else!

Good luck!!

Could ya send HER to the spa instead? I know it really is expensive, but giving her a spa day might yield the returns you want, then daddy can do the (relatively free) beach day with the kids while you enjoy a (completely free) day to read a book and drink tea and use the computer uninterrupted as long as you want.

Your husband could always spend the Saturday before Mother's Day with her. That is what my husband does. Some years, I have had Mother's Day on the Saturday before as well when there was an event at his mom's. The MIL can only make your life miserable if you allow her too. You two are adults now. The realization of who our parents really are is one of the most eye opening realizations we have as an adult - and most times one of the most disappointing. At some point in our lives, we have to move on and be own person - no longer the child, now the adult. If others take her side, then so be it - you cannot change anyone and unfortunately, some relatives disappoint us rather than not. I have many toxic family members that I have chosen not to expose my children too. I have been chastised for this, but it is what is best for my children. And to be honest, at first it was very hard and I felt a lot of guilt. Finally, after giving myself permission to take charge of my life, the stress is gone. We still occasionally see them, but on my terms. I am an only child, so it was very hard to make that decision, but it was one that had to be made. I wish you luck and strength to do what is best for you, your husband and your family.

Hi T., I read through the posts and well, here is what I know:

1. My husband's mother died when he was 16, I have never met her, my children have never met her and I know he would LOVE to have your problem.
2. Google the origin of "Mother's Day", you may just be surprised how it come about. It is not really what you think.
3. It sounds like this is your only day off a year...please tell me that I am wrong!
4. EVERY day is Mother's Day, and Father's Day, and Kid's Day and yes, even MIL Day. Could it be that your MIL feels this way because she is not getting enough attention? If you live that close, maybe this year for Mother's Day you could give her the gift of all of you. My Grandmother, who lives 1.5 hours away gets a card every year for Moms day...it says, this card gets you a minimum 3 hour visit every month for a visit and help around the house. Let's book dates! And every month we go to her place with games, cleaning supplies and tools and we spend the day doing what she needs. The kids play with her and my hubby and I clean up her home. She is ecstatic.

T., you do not have a problem, you have an opportunity. Please step back, take a look and trust me you will find the win-win-win situation.

B.
Family Success Coach

Is it possible that you and your hubby can celebrate your Mother's Day on a different weekend? You can appease the MIL on the actual calendar day, but perhaps the weekend before/after can be your special day. It's just an arbitrary date anyway. That way, everyone wins.
Hope it goes well!

Hi T.:

Let me begin by saying that I am 58 and realizing what the appropriate attitudes, actions, and reactions are to many of life's issues after trying to jump through hoops, keep people happy, etc. over the years. At this point I have no more tolerance for bad, rude, selfish behavior in adults.

You and your husband would like to recognize Mother's Day for the mothers within your family and you are looking for the treat of a peaceful day in recognition of your Mother's Day. This is reasonable and thoughtful. First, your MIL seems to use Mother's Day as a day of punishment and your husband is the only sibling close by to receive the full brunt of her attack. Your husband can recognize his mother with a nice card and note saying that he has always appreciated her commitment to mothering him and his sister. I'd go to Costco, buy a nice bouquet of roses, clean them up, trim the ends, put them in a vase from Ross and have your husband drop them off the Friday evening before Mother's Day. He can't get stuck for too very long and he has done the proper thing. For you, it would be foolish for you to stay at home while the family heads out for your Mother's Day. I guarantee if you are home you will start picking up, cleaning and soon your break will be used doing the same old things. You and the family would be so much better off to find a concert in the park, an art festival, or shop together and put together a really nice picnic and go off to a large regional park for Mother's Day. Getting out and away will allow a good quality day with the whole family engaged in a new way. By the end of the day, everyone will come home tired out, ready for bubble baths and how about baking a couple of frozen pizza's for dinner and an early bedtime. Everyone will feel as though they are refreshed and you'll pat yourself on the back for getting away, especially from the MIL. Do not answer your home phone, cell phones for the entire weekend. No one or anything is so important that you need to be interrupted by a ringing phone.

Now you and your husband need a wake up call and so do all the rest of the family members. Your MIL and other relatives cannot beat you guys over the head with guilt if they can't reach you. Since you already know the agenda and the course of the conversation that is going to come at you, you must protect yourselves from these attacks. Screen your calls, do not answer the door, make yourself unavailable to family members. The problem is allowed to continue because your MIL assails all the family with the same story causing resentment in everyone. Each of these people make a choice to allow your MIL to blab on and your husband has allowed it also. You and your husband can make the decision to stop listening. It means that you will both need to get tough, give her NO time to talk or spend time around you unless she accepts the rules, no constant negative talk about the past. Yes she will be mad as a wet cat but if you don't put a stop to her running on, then you must accept that her behavior will continue until the day she dies. Your quality of life is worth protecting and giving time to your MIL is bad for you and her. Decide to put a stop to it. Her behavior is ridiculous and frankly it doesn't sound as though she had to work so hard taking care of the two kids by herself, it sounds as if she is saying she resents that she had the children in her life to take care of, that is not your husbands fault that he was born. You and your husband should agree on the rules you want to play by when in the company of your MIL. Tell her what you will and won't listen too and be prepared to limit visits so she can't get started on her rant. If she improves, spend more time, if she doesn't cut back. We feed bad behavior when we allow people to dump on us. You guys have no power over other relatives, apply the same rules to them also. Even adults must learn to play nice.

I don't see why you can't have your day to yourself on Mother's Day. Even if your husband doesn't want to spend the entire day with his mother, he can take her out (along with your kids) to breakfast or lunch. When that's done, he can take her home and just spend the rest of the day with his kids. You can still have the day to yourself. If she expects to have the whole day with him, your husband needs to suck it up for one day or sit down and have a serious talk with her, no matter the consequences. The more you play into her games, the longer this will continue. Your husband needs to put you first and, though not leave out his mother on Mother's Day, he needs to grow up a little and put his foot down with his mother letting her know how you want to spend your Mother's Day and arranging something with her around that. If for some reason the problem is that she wants all of you there, which I doubt, you need to tell her that you can celebrate with her the day before, but the actual Mother's Day is for you.

how about him doing "your" mother's day on a different day? for example : YOUR mother's day is on saturday (he takes the kids to the beach to give you a quiet home), and he - and ONLY he - spends the "traditional" mother's day w/his mom? of course, if he wants to make it a bit more bearable for him, he can take the kids w/him then, too! grandkids can almost always soften even the most demanding/critical of hearts!

mother's day is a day for kids to honor their mother's/grandmother's...nothing says that the spouse HAS to be involved, right? if your mom is still alive & it's a good relationship, can you go to see her on mother's day? that way, hubby can smooth your 'non appearance' with, "T.'s with her mom today"...or if she's no longer here, "T. went to the cemetary today", etc...you get the picture.

good luck to you, mama!

This is an easy one, the way I see it. You want and deserve a full day off...so why does it have to be on May 9th? Be the good little daughter-in-law and keep the peace by celebrating May 9th with her. She may be a crotchety old woman you don't enjoy spending time with, but she is your husband's mother. You will some day hope that your own children (and their spouses) don't forget about you on Mother's Day, right? So give the selfish, crabby woman her day...and then you get your full day off on a different date. Solved. (Not to be harsh, but if you INSIST that your day off HAS to be on Monday 9th just because "Mother's Day" is printed on your calendar, then you are being just as big a baby as her)

For my family, we have one meal (either brunch or dinner) with my mother-in-law and then the rest of the day is mine. My mom understands and respects the idea of not wanting me to spread myself too thin, so every year she and I get together for lunch some time during the week after Mothers Day (or dinner if our schedules are too busy)

By the way, what kind of job does your husband have that he has to work 90-100 hours a week????

AHH!!!!!!! PSST GIRL,JUST PICK UP THE PHONE DIAL HER # AND TELL HER HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!! let ur hubby take the kids to the beach, his JOB IS TO PLEASE U NOW!!!!!!!! dont let her guilt factor bother u and ur hubby..UR A MOTHER AND U NEED UR GIFT ON THAT SPECIAL DAY!!!! IT'S NOT MANDATORY TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY WITH HIS MOM!!!!!! wheres ur mom in all of this?

Wow! It sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I normally would suggest to do what you want to do and she'll have to just deal with it but it sounds like that would cause a huge problem in your family that you dont seem ready to deal with right now. Can you guys just go to her house and make a nice breakfast/brunch for her...then leave so you can have your relaxing day? Or, maybe you have your mother's day on Saturday so your day doesnt get interupted by her?

How about taking the day off for yourself and planning a "somehwat" special Mother's Day dinner of lunch for her on a different day? Tell her that it would be nice to spend mother's day with her own mother. Tell her that this will work out for the best and make it far more special because you will have the time for just her...just not on Mother's day. sometimes, we have to get to a point where we are our family. The nucleus is you and your husband. you have your kids and your lives. If they choose to alienate you only she suffers truly. your husband will feel bad that his family does not understand his side but is it that important that she be wrong and he right. i think everyone will see the truth if you are alienated and they all have to miss you because they choose to side with her.. I am certain she will then find another family member to bear the burden and when that happens, your "team" will strengthen in numbers..haha.

Sorry for the family drama but at some point you have to stand up and be important too!

Hello there, I have a difficult MIL as well, having raised my husband and his brother alone, they were her whole life. Fortunately we have reached an understanding and things are much easier now (twelve years later).

As for you issue with monther's day, we are dealing with the same dilemma as we would like to spend the day as family unit, but just us, so we are going to make dinner (budget helper) at our house the night before, Saturday, so that we can then spend the next day on our own. This also allows it to only go for a couple of hours max, as our daughter goes to bed by 8pm every night and we have about an hour of pre-bed stuff to do. So we have made her happy with focusing the meal on "Grandma's day", make it all about her and then Sunday can be all about "mommy".

I hope this might help, but good luck and hang in there, you really are not alone in this family craziness!

How about taking her out for a late breakfast or brunch? Spend a couple of hours with her and then take her home and the rest of the day is yours. She can't expect to be catered to anymore by her son now that he has his own family and the mother of his children to think about. But as a mother, I do feel she still deserves to be honored in some way.

Updated

How about taking her out for a late breakfast or brunch? Spend a couple of hours with her and then take her home and the rest of the day is yours. She can't expect to be catered to anymore by her son now that he has his own family and the mother of his children to think about. But as a mother, I do feel she still deserves to be honored in some way.

I'm guessing there is more to your situation than you've told us. If all the world is out of step but John, John needs to get is step. I can see two sides to this.

Call your Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, etc. and find out what they think is the problem. Be prepared to be told that you are doing somethng wrong. Then act positively on their suggestions. If they say they don't like her either, then why are they giving you a hard time?

If the twin lives in Europe, and its been a long time since she's visited her, you can always deflect the "wonderful time" you anticipate having with your MIL by giving her a Mother's Day gift of a ticket to see her daughter in Europe. Go to the Post office and get a passport application and send it to her with her Mother's Day card. It's too late to do it for this year because it takes too long for the passport application to be processed and the passport sent to her. Buy the Mother's Day card now because they won't be on sale after Mother's Day. If paying for the flight is too difficult, ask your "concerned" cousins, grandparents, Aunts, etc. for contributions.

This Mother's Day is too close if she doesn't have a passport to send her to Europe, but you can always honor your grandparents-in-law by taking your MIL to go visit them on Mother's Day and "share the wealth". Shouldn't she be honoring her mother too? That way you can stay in the background and they can have fun together. You and your husband might even be able to get away for a couple of hours and then come back and pick up the MIL and take her home.

BTW, I happened to marry the only girl I dated whose parents didn't absolutlely love me. I worked diligently to get into my MIL's and FIL's good graces. It took 15 years before she had a kind word for me. We've been married for almost 37 years and now my MIL loves me. (Now, I'm her favorite son in law.) My FIL was still cussing me on his death bed, but I was there still supporting my wife and MIL. Each of his sons came up to me afterward, separately, and apologized for his comments and behavior. You get more flies with honey than vinegar. Keep trying. Even water can wear away rock, as witnessed by the Grand Canyon.

Good luck.

I went through something similar. The bottom line is, your husband needs to stand up to his mother. If it were your mother causing the problem, it would be your responsibility to handle the situation. You and your husband need to come to an agreement about what will be said/done, and then he should do it. Your hubby needs to realize that when he marries, wife and kids become his number one.

Of course, my suggestion is telling her sorry, this year we have plans to do something else. This doesn't make you bad kids, nor does it mean you cannot send her something or do something for her to make her feel loved. But, given what you have posted, it doesn't sound as if she even deserves that, but I know it is hard when it comes to dealing with family. Each person has a reason for the way they act, but that doesn't mean you need to suffer endlessly because of her insecurities, or whatever her issue.

Ideas for what to do for her:

- Send something made by the kids
- Plant a tree in her name
- Make her lunch or dinner, and eat with her, just on a different day (if you choose to eat with her, I probably wouldn't!)
- Send flowers/fruit/wine and cheese basket, etc.
- Get her a gift certificate to her fav place
- Make her "grandma coupons" that allow her to use them with notice, ie - lunch with just her son, lunch with your entire fam, son mows grass, son takes mom someplace, three kisses from each grandchild, you get the idea

Best of luck to you, and I promise that once you and hubby take control of the situation in a healthy, respectful manner, you will be so much happier and calmer than you already are! Have you ever stopped to think that maybe she acts the way she does because her son lets her?

- Happy Mothers Day!

Hi T.!

Sounds like you're in a really tough spot. I suggest you get to choose a day for yourself other than Mother's Day. I know it is awful having to give up your time this day but it might be for the best in the long run. Considering all the drama you've already had to endure with this issue, showing his mother you are willing to give her the time instead may keep things smoother for longer. Also, it has the added benefit that you and your husband will be together for support so that the burden does not fall solely on either of you.

You sounds as if you have a wonderful family life. Mother's Day is about showing you love and appreciation, which they would be willing to provide on another day. Plus, you are modeling compromise, understanding, support and love--even for a very difficult person--for your children. Not to mention how to be a supportive person in a good, healthy relationship.

Sorry, this is so unfair. Maybe part of your day is you get to vent about your MIL too. Good luck!

A.

I see why the daughter lives so far away!!! Ha, ha! Well I would give up my mother's day to just have that day either the day before or the next weekend. She sounds like a spoiled child who needs to have her way. Has she ever thought about what you would like to do for your own mother also on that day. Gee, selfish doesn't even begin to ice the cake! She seems to be very unruly, so either your husband doesn't care if he hurts her feelings and she can complain to the rest of the world forever "how her grown son who is now married and has a wife who is the mother of his own two children", then let her! I wouldn't tolerate it at all. I have such a hard time with family members who manipulate. If he wants to spend a couple of hours pleasing his mother, set a time limit to it and then he can leave with the children for the day.
Mother's Day is truly my favorite holiday of the year. My birthday falls right with it. I know that I do get the day off to relax. Weigh your options!
~~D.

Since you do so much in terms of being a mom, you deserve to experience a day of relaxation and pampering on Mothers Day. From the sound of it, your MIL can be quite upsetting to the family. Perhaps your husband should send his mom a nice bouquet or flower arrangement, or maybe a certificate for a spa day/manicure, etc. You said your finances are tight right now, so maybe for your Mothers Day gift your husband/kids could just treat you like a queen for the day and all of you go on a terrific picnic to a relaxing spot (park, lake, etc) where you can all enjoy each others company. This way, none of you have to spend the day with your MIL, but she still feels "remembered" and you get to relax the whole day! If your MIL tries to lay a guilt trip on your husband, just have him explain that while he loves her very much and is so grateful for the sacrifices she made, he now is married and needs to show you (his wife) how much you mean to him also (BTW he would also be setting a great example for his kids to see how moms should be respected). Sometimes with parents who play the guilt card you need to just make it clear that things are going to be a certain way and placing guilt will not be tolerated (tough love) In addition he could add that it is not very kind to try and make your child (even when they're grown), feel guilty. Good luck and hope you have a wonderful Mothers Day!

I think he is an adult and he should do what HE wants to do. She can't make him miserable without his permission. We teach people how to treat us, and this woman has learned that behaving like a bully will get her what she wants. By doing nothing, and giving in, your husband has taught her to treat him this way. The good news is, it doesn't have to be this way anymore - he can change now. :)

A good compromise may be if he is taking you to brunch, he can take her to dinner, or vice versa. I would say have him take her to dinner so he can spend the whole day with you and your children, and a minimal amount of time with her.

Good luck and Happy Mother's Day!

You know, a lot of mothers of adults with busy schedules and kids are very happy just to receive a card and/or a phone call or some flowers on Mothers day. It seems to me her expectations need to be altered and you and your husband need to get good at not accepting undeserved guilt. She has another child and distance should not keep your husbands sister from sending a card. As for the whole of your MIL's family ganging up on you, it's nothing that an unlisted phone number won't fix - who needs them if they are just going to heap on the insanity.
My Mom tried to lay a guilt trip on me a few years ago (I can't even remember over what) and I told her I have always done what was expected of me to the best of my ability - I got good grades through school and collage, got a career, got married, bought a house, had a child, etc. I have earned the right several times over to do things my way, and if anyone doesn't like it - tough. Granted my Mom is not usually big in the drama department, but she respects my point of view. Sometimes acting like an adult and being an adult is not enough - you have to make a stand and claim your rights as an adult even if MIL has a fit over it.

I suggest you so something with your MIL on mother's day, like having her over for brunch or something that wont cost too much. do something nice and simple. Then the following saturday or sunday or this saturday, you husband does something nice for you, like take the kids to the beach so you have most of the day to yourself. celebrate on different days and let go of the "actual day" on mother's day. since it'll probably annoy the MIL more if you did something on the other day, you make that other day your day. good luck!

Hi T.,

Have Mother's Day on a different day. Make it a week earlier or later and don't tell your MIL. That way your hubbie can give you a day to yourself. For the MIL I would tell her that the kids are making her something (and it will take most of the day :) ) and you'll see her for her special dinner. That's how we did it in my family, the kids would make crafts for Grandma and then we would see her later in the afternoon. Your MIL sounds like there may be a few problems there that a therapist would love to tackle.
Hang in there!

Let you MIL have the calendar Mother's Day and you take the next weekend for you and your family to celebrate your own Mother's Day. But do something simple for her that you and your husband are comfortable with, not something you have to do grudgingly. If nothing else she did give birth to and raised someone who sounds like a great guy.

The whole time I was reading your post, I kept thinking that if it were me, I'd just plan my Mother's Day for a different day, maybe even a different week altogether! I'd do whatever MIL expects. Make actual Mother's Day her day. As painful as it may be, it's one day. Suck it up and put in your time. By the way you describe your situation, you really don't have a choice without disrupting the entire family, and causing yourself a ton of grief.

If I were you, I think I'd permanently change "your" Mother's Day to a different day and celebrate your day accordingly! And you can kind of even keep it as a secret joke, if you will, with your MIL, that you do still get your very own special Mother's Day celebration to yourself! Seriously, I'd really think about keeping it under wraps, because you wouldn't want her getting any ideas about inadvertantly needing something on that day, etc. You get the picture!

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

***Ok, so I just glanced over some of the other posts, which I hadn't done before I responded, and it seems like changing your day is the popular solution!***

This is more his problem than your problem.

This sounds evil....where does your MIL hate? the beach, the park? mc donalds? you can stay home, and then he can invite her to spend the day w/ him and her grandchildren. How kind of him. "But, wait! You dont like trompsing through the forest? Well, the girls were so looking forward to spending the day outside in the dirt w/ you. we'll come by on the way back-see you!" and the kids can pick some wild flowers, or make a stick sculpture for gma while they are having fun w/ dad. I know that wouldn't satisfy her....why doesn't she spend the day w/ HER mom? since she is still alive. You could also build that one up. there is no good solution...

I would think that hubby could take the kids and stop by MIL's house for an hour or two, possibly have breakfast or lunch. There's no reason that you would need to go. To show you care, send her a nice card.

Who cares if this isn't what she wants. The important thing is that your husband has acknowledged his mother. As fas as extended family goes, tell them you did stop by and if they're so concerned they can spend mother's day with her.

Can you decide that YOUR mother's day celebration is the week before or after? You can have THAT day off instead. ::grin::

As for your MIL, your husband can take her to dinner on the actual day while you spend your time with your children (and YOUR mother?) He can say he chose her for special attention and then needs to get back to you and your kids. You get the best of both worlds that way.

So much good luck to you.

Hi T.- sorry you have to deal with this. Frustrating I am sure. My recommendation would be to celebrate you own mother's day on a different day that you plan special. It can still be in the same time frame, but pick a different day. No need to follow the national calendar. You will probably have more fun anyway as local establishments won't be as busy. What about taking your two little girls with you to get a pedicure. Not sure how old they are, but most of the nail places now have little seats for little girls with DVD players and everything. If that is too pricey, maybe you could escape for a long walk, time at the bookstore, a little window shopping, and treat yourself to lunch. Happy Mother's day!

I agree that you pick the day you want "off" If it actual Mothers Day, then that is the day your husband and the kids can treat Grandma with their presence all day long. They can play, run around and cook for grandma (feed them a bag of candy with a soda each before they leave, hee, hee.. just kidding.. )

Have a great Mothers day..

Give MIL actual Mother's Day and take the Saturday off before or the next weekend to celebrate your day off. You both get honored as mothers.

plus if you take your day off after Mother's day you can recover from being with your MIL...

Hi,

I have a difficult MIL too and the thing that I have to remember is that she is my husband's mother and that he loves her and wants to make her happy too. We don't live very close to her so we can't always spend time with her, but what I used to do when we did is, we would take her out for lunch or dinner on Sunday (and my husband and I would go out another night) and I would also make a gift so that she could enjoy like a photo album with our children in it with activities that we did throughout the year and that included her and other family members so that she would feel a part of the family even though we probably didn't spend as much time with her as she would like us too....maybe if you include pictures of you, your husband and your children in activities that you did for the last few months and she can enjoy going back and looking at it and feel like she is a part of your family.

What a nasty woman. If I were in that situation I wouldn't care if I ever had contact with her again. In our family, we celebrate mother's day with my MIL on Saturday, and she's perfectly fine with that. Since the witch, your MIL, won't stand for that, just tell her that's how it's going to be, and your hubby has to tell her that you need a break and you are going to be pampered on Mother's Day, and that's that. If she has a fit, which she will, sever the ties. She's a miserable woman and she's making your life miserable. Is it really worth having her around??

Spend the day with her bit your lips and do it pretent next week is mothersday and do what you want its only a day that somebody thought up relax unfourtaully shenwillnot live foever relax what would do if she had to live with you? Goodnluck happy mothersday A. no hills

Updated

SPEND THE DAY WITH HER BIT YOUR LIPS AND DO IT PRETENT NEXT WEEK IS MOTHERSDAY AND DO WHAT YOU WANT ITS ONLY A DAY THAT SOMEBODY THOUGHT UP RELAX UNFOURTAULLY SHENWILLNOT LIVE FOEVER RELAX WHAT WOULD DO IF SHE HAD TO LIVE WITH YOU? GOODNLUCK HAPPY MOTHERSDAY A. NO HILLS

T.,

I had a bad MIL and I've now got a great one, who lives far away. I think the following:
1. Your husband needs to let Mom know he loves her, but that he has a family now too.
2. I agree with the Grandmothers day thing, make that a special day for her somehow.
3. You deserve to do what you want to do! Period.
4. You're MIL can take whatever time her son gives her and like it.......

I don't know if it's possible, but maybe your husband could get the other relatives that seem to think that she is such a great person, to all meet him at his mothers as a surprise on a day other than Mothers Day......that Sat. or a day after Mothers Day sometime. Throw a get together, everyone cook something and bring food day. Maybe even at a park if the older adults would be able to handle that. Then the kids could play too. You guys go, get it going, have lots of people there to talk to instead of just her, and make her "queen" for the day so to speak. That gives her the importance she wants, makes it so you don't have to be tied to her completely, and you might even enjoy spending time with the other relatives that your kids don't see much.........heck even invite some friends of hers, if she has any.
On Mothers Day, a nice call to her to wish her a great day, and then be done with her.
I agree, that YOU and YOUR hubby are letting her get to you. And I know some Moms are better at it than others, but she should be pleased she has a son who even bothers at all, some Moms don't have any kids alive or that talk to them.
Good Luck, enjoy your day and Happy Mothers Day to you in a couple of weeks.

Buy this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Forever-Robert-Munsch/dp/0...

and bake a cake or some cookies to leave on her doorstep early in the morning. It's sentimental and shows some love and effort, but you can forgo spending the day with her... If she uses a computer, you can send free e-cards at the beginning and end of the day to show you are thinking about her -- and a phone call would be nice. She is probably a lonely lady and does need to be remembered.

Hi T.,
As I'm understanding your situation - MIL wants time with son on Mother's Day, and you want time alone. That would appear to be easily solvable, except that the problem isn't about logistics - it's about your husband not wanting to spend the day with his mother and probably having a lot of unresolved stuff with her that he has yet to handle. It is likely that each of them has their own story about what they have lived, on each side of the coin.
Every year that passes with things being done for the purpose of avoiding drama and upset, while giving giving in to what (your husband) doesn't want to do, just adds to the resentment in the situation.
I'm not trying to say that anyone's feelings are valid or not valid. I'm suggesting that they do need to be dealt with in a proper setting, like therapy, otherwise, you are likely to have grief and discomfort for years to come.
Perhaps a little compassion for what MIL has been through in her life, and some acknowledgment to her that yes, it was quite a job to raise two children alone, particularly starting from infancy while having unexpectedly just lost her partner. Perhaps some acknowledgment of that, at other times of the year, not just mother's day might help to calm that young mother inside your MIL who is crying out to be appreciated for her hard work.
That doesn't mean that you don't get to set boundaries with her. I don't know what she's like, you also have a right to set boundaries for how you are willing to be treated as well. Perhaps if those boundaries are established, then it might be easier to be around her.
Really, I think that therapy would be a great way to get to the bottom of the unresolved issues with this. Therapy for anyone who is willing to do the work and interested in healing their stuff. For you and your husband, it might also help you to give a voice to your feelings, and to find ways of expressing your needs with MIL.
I'm not saying that MIL shouldn't get counseling as well. I'm just addressing you and your husband because you are the one asking, and I believe that we are each responsible for our own role in situations, and can only change things from our end.
The logistical remedy to this situation at this moment would seem to be to simply have different days for celebrating, or send the hubby off to see his mom while you relax alone The longer term solution might be to see a counselor/therapist to resolve the issues underneath it. I am a huge proponent of therapy, by the way.
All the best to all you. I do really understand how challenging mother and mother in law issues can, especially on Mother's Day.
I hope that everyone gets what they need. Happy Mother's Day to you!

It is Mothers day and as long as you are blessed to still have a Mother you should spend the day with her. She may not always be around. I don't see the problem she wants to be with her child and you want to be alone perfect situation. He spends the day with his Mother and girls and you do what you want alone. It is only one day a year for his mother he can spend the day doing whatever she wants and kills 2 birds with 1 stone. Enjoy your time every mom needs it.

Why not schedule a massage or day at the spa on Mother's Day so you don't have to see her? You can plan a lunch the day before to celebrate and see her so then you can get the day off as you desire and not have to see her. If that's out of your budget, then see and entertain her on Saturday and explain that your 'gift' is sleeping in and just getting the day off. I think her desire is that you pay her some attention and acknowledge that she too is a mother who dedicated a lot to her children during her life, no matter how annoying an manipulative she is.