My 17 Year Old Held a Grudge for a Whole Year

Don't move in together till your daughter is on your own. If you want to repair that relationship, focus on it. Your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life IF she knows she is important to you. Your boyfriend MIGHT become your husband, but it is still in the might stage.

I can't speak to the relationship you have had with your daughter, but I can speak to the breakdown of the mother/daughter relationship when it's obvious that the mother's focus is on herself first. My mother has been and continues to be like this. She refuses to face it, and has damaged most of her family relationships because of it. I have a polite relationship with her, my sister doesn't deal with her at all. If my mother were to show up at my door, I would put her up in a hotel. DON'T allow this to happen.

If your boyfriend truely loves you and wants a deeper relationship with you, he will understand that you are a package deal for another year or so. If he loves and respects you enough to wait to move in, you know you have a special guy.

Good luck!

I know you love your daughter and want to mend fences. I know you also want to be with your boyfriend and make a new life. I think you also know this can't be easy. Here are my thoughts.

Start by calling her Dad and talking to him about what is best for your daughter. Your daughter is calling you more than likely because they had a fight. It is the best interest of your daughter for you and your ex to work together. Trust his instincts. He must have done a decent job with her or she would not have waited a year to call you.

If together you and your ex decide it is a good idea for your daughter to move back in with you......Do not move in with your boyfriend. If you care about each other you can hold off for another year and allow an adjustment period with your daughter. I believe it will go smoother if you wait.

It's not too late for the "Love and Logic" form of discipline. Get the book and read it now to give you tips on how to deal with your daughter. Keep the book as a bible to refer to when the difficulties arise. Remove yourself from the room and look in the book to guide you.

I believe your daughter is old enough and hopefully mature enough, just sit down/talk to her about the entire situation and all of your fears. I understand your her mother but if you lay out all of your information then she might be more apt to tell you everything she is thinking about the situations. Also tell her up front about the new man in your life. Also congrats on finding someone who makes you happy, I hope you and your daughter can work everything out your relationship in the coming years will be very important.

She is your daughter...that comes before anything/anyone else. Be strong and set firm boundries but don't forget to let her have wings and be there to catch her when she falls.

I agree with those who say to sit down with her and work on guidelines about behavior and expectations concerning both of you. Discuss the triggers you both have and what differently you both can do.

I would work on your relationship with your daughter before moving in with your boyfriend. Your daughter is 17 and hopefully will be going to college or ready to move to the next step in her life in one to two years.

She needs her mom right now and that won't wait til later. If she is given the space to talk and work out her feelings and discuss things you don't agree on and feel comfortable in her home than running away is unnecessary. She still needs to follow the guidelines you agree on before moving in.

Family counseling. There's no shortcut, and you sound like it would be helpful to have a neutral third party to help you both navigate re-crafting this relationship. If it were me, I'd still do the work with a pro whether or not she is coming to live with you. You both have a whole lifetime ahead of you to enjoy a mother/daughter relationship....or not. Kudos for taking on the hard parts of parenting...some parents don't, or exclusively blame their child for the troubles in their relationship. Sounds like you are owning it, and acknowledging that your daughter is also working at being a happier person. No matter what the hurdles and stumbling blocks are, if you can both stay committed to this process, you gain a valuable second chance.

If your daughter is certainly moving in with you, it might be worth reevaluating your timeline for moving in with your wonderful new guy. She might need to 'remeet' and readjust to MomNow in order to shake off the triggers of MomPast, and a new parental figure (when she is losing her stepmom...were they close?) is a lot to handle. I'd take it in babysteps and keep up the faith that it's not forever. Once again, a counselor will know better what you are all needing than any of us responding could, so please consider it an investment for your family.

You take your kid back because it is easier to get a new man than another kid. If he's an adult he'll realize she's struggling to grow up and may be an easier voice to hear than yours.
On the other hand she has been away and seen another family living together and not making it. It might have opened her eyes.
She very likely did not like their situation and may not have liked her father. Otherwise she might have stayed with him.
You might still have a rough time with her or you can get some therapy to help you with the triggers.
One of my children went to live with her Dad in another state when she was 15. One day she'd had enough. I came home from a book tour to find her in the house. She had taken the train home. It took her a few weeks until she was ready to talk.

Dear M.,

I don't believe you can. Seems like your daughter abandoned you and sure knows how to hold a grudge and I'm sure you were devastated and hurt when she left.

Moving in with the "man of your dreams" wouldn't set a good example for a teenager...However, you deserve some happiness and she is almost of age.

I think I would be tempted to have her stay with her dad until she's ready for college. Help her as much as you can and be honest with her.

Blessings.....

I would find a family therapist..pronto. You also should consider working on your relationship with your daughter first priority..You gave birth to her and she was first in your life. You should be able to find one cheap..try catholic charaties.. They don't push their religion on you if you don't want it but they do a good job. Or of course if you go to church they can steer you to one. Another person in the mix is needed to sort stuff out
I think it's wonderful that your and her are getting healthy. It will be totally worth it in the end.
Anything of true value takes hard work.

God Bless,
L

give her a chance, she is very young still and needs guidance. if the man of your dreams is true, then he will make an effort with her too.