My 3 Yr Old It Out of control,HELP!!

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D.

Hi A.,

Let me guess, the three year old is the "middle" child? My daughter is 12 and pretty much has always had the attitude since birth. I have found that giving her 15 minutes a day with just she and I, talking non-stop, reading, walking etc. has calmed things down, not perfect, but much better.

Another thing, rules are rules and to every action is a consequence. Children can learn this as early as 6 months if done correctly..."No" means "No", not maybe or sometimes. Stick to it from the beginning and they get the message.

It will take a while and be very difficult, but with love and patience and sticking to it, he will get the point.

Good luck!

You are NOT alone. I had #4 in August of last year and my 3 year old has been the same way!!! I have tried to spend extra alone time with her but it does not matter. She is SO bad. I have been ignoring her tantrums lately and she seems to be doing them less the last few days..Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this..LOL..

Good Luck

have you talked to your Pediatrician? are you sure that there is not something physically wrong with him? he may be sick or in pain. best of luck! hang in there!

It sounds like it's time to have some one on one special time with him.It is probably frustrating him and he doesn't know how to deal with it.If you can't get time away from the other kids maybe just pay extra attention to him to make him feel special again.It must be so hard for you to deal with all this at once. hang in there !you can do it!

I am very sorry, I couldn't imagine. I have a son who is one and I hear that potty training boys is much harder than girls. I do watch super nanny, I get some go tips from time to time. I did see a toddler urineal at babies are us (it's new) it's suppose to flush and is mounted to the wall, maybe your son would think that that would be special and neat and just for him and no one else and maybe he would stop peeing everywhere else.
Just a thought.
H. B.

Hugs! Some thoughts -

1- back off on the potty training. Let him use diapers or pull ups or whatever. It's not worth the battle. That and food are the only things he can control. He'll poop on the potty when he's ready. My daughter is almost 3 1/2 and just this week starting to potty train with pee, but won't poop on the potty either.

2. Get Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood
http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/pc-121-25-love-and-logic...
Amazon has it too. EXCELLENT book - quick read - very smart. Best I've read.

3. Check with your pediatrician - maybe somethting else is going on. They'll refer to you a good psychologist or early intervention eval.

4. More 1 on 1 time when possible - even 15 min a day

5. Talk to him when he's behaving and see if he'll tell you what's going on, why he does or doesn't do things.

6. Maybe he's done napping and needs an earlier bedtime. He may be way overtired, which would take several nights to catch up on. After that, maybe naps can be restarted. If not, he should at least have some quite, down time during the day. (stay in room and play quietly if wont nap)

good luck!

HI A.,

Many children go through difficult periods and it does not mean anything is seriously wrong. He just needs some help coping with the change.

I recommend talking with your pediatrician. backing off the toilet training and starting reward chart.
Help him feel in control of the simple things like deciding between two outfits, deciding between two breakfast choices, helping you cook something simple.

I went through this too and it will get better. Some children respond to traditional discipline others need a different technique with a lot of positive reinforcement and minimize the negative reaction.

good luck and love him through all of this he adores you and needs some guidance .

Dear A.,
Have you ever thought about discussing with your doctor/pediatrician to get a referral for a psychologist? It sounds like this imuch more serious than discipline and might require medication or other kind of treatment. This all sounds dangerous for all of you including your son. I'd check it out immediately. Good luck.
S.

Wow..you certainly have your hands full! I have a 3 yr old, a 7 month old and expecting another in Jan. I am no expert but it sounds like lack of attention. He's doing everything he can to get attention, even if its negative.

I can only imagine the juggle you go through during your days! But if at all possible.....especially during this difficult time with your little one, if you could set aside a bit of time, 1/2 hr-1hr? and just play with him....spoil him with attention. He needs to reconnect with you.

Is another familyu member available or a neigbor to help out? Possibly hire a teenage babysitter to watch the other kids for an hour. What a great brek it would be for you both! And so worth the $10 or $15!

Since my 7-month old requires more of me right now, I notice my eldest acting up. He adores his baby brother, but latley he's thrown things at him and even sprayed water in his face the other day when we were outside! Fortunatlely, I was able to spend some quality time with him...we made a fort out of sheets and read books and ate freeeze pops in it. What an amazing change in attitudes!

Goodluck!

Oh this sounds so frustrating, confusing, trying. I would recommend you seek advice from two different professionals.

1) A family therapist (Sharon Johnson in Glenview is who we used). Take videos of his behavior, all the things that make you nuts and that you feel are out of control. They don't need to be fancy, just an indication of what he's like. A good therapist will work with you to evaluate your son to see if there's any diagnosis he can be given that might make this wacky behavior make sense.

2) A Nutritionist (we see Bonnie Minski in Northbrook) It sounds to me like your son, maybe in addition to other issues, has some food intolerances going on. I HIGHLY recommend limiting his sugar intake. This means no juices or cookies or sugar cereals or syrup on his pancakes, or instant oatmeal, etc. My son is very sugar sensitive and very sensitive to food coloring, chocolate, soy and nuts. He doesn't test positive for them on allergy tests but I can guarantee you that his personality completely changes when he eats those foods. He goes from being a mild mannered boy to an absolute mess. Tears, screaming, rages, door slamming, etc. It's frightening to see that at 5 and wonder what 15 will look like!

There's also a book out (which I haven't read) called the Feinberg diet which has been a BIG help to many families with similar kids.

You made the first move by reaching out to Moms. Now it's time for professional advice for all of your sanity!

Best of luck to you!
E.
Evanston

I would talk to dr... but My first guess was Sensory Processing disorder..

Sounds alot like my son.. HE wont sleep at night.. we have had him using a weighted blanket (( FOR SPD KIDS )) It helped him.. Plus we got an OT (( Occupation therapy )) that helps us get the stuff josh needs each day.. Jumping helps my son.. NOT ALL kids work the same way on what helps.. For us.. Jumping and swinging helps...

IT has been a hard road so far.. but we are getting it understood...

SPD is not fun...

but Worth a look at.....

Josh will hit others too.. NOT trying to be mean.. just he dont like to be touched alot...

Hi A.,
I suggest calling Tuedsay's Child. They have helped me with my son who was completely out of control and unphased by anything I said or did. It got so bad I couldn't take him anywhere out of fear that he'd freak out. Also he was hitting, screaming and biting constantly and there was no knowing when/if/what would set him off.
Since beginning at Tuesday's Child about a year ago now, things have drastically changed for the better. I found out that he is very sensitive and has sensory integration issues. We start group occupational therapy in the fall and I'm very extcited. Our relationship has been changed so much. I love my son, but I was about ready to give him to anyone on the street. I'm serious. Thankfully now though, things are much much better. I hope you give them a call. ###-###-#### 4028 W Irving Park Rd. Chicago.
Blessings,
J.

oh my gosh I feel soooo hoooorrible for you!!!!! You poor thing! I am sooo sorry you have to deal with this!

Have you tried making him clean up after himself when he pees? 3-year-olds are capable of doing that. How does he react with babysitters and his older siblings and your husband? Same thing? I'm sure as you say part of it is just attention but you have 4 kids!

I'd say, maybe try to arrange some alone time with him every day and if YOU aren't free to do so, get someone else who is, and make that alone time be doing something active to wear him out a little. If he is happy with you he's more likely to care if he upsets you, ya know? I'll pray for you too!

My oldest acted terrible after the second was born. It started when the baby was a few months old, so I didn't connect it to jealousy right away. I now have three little ones under the age of four, so I know it's not easy. But if you take time for just him, it should help. I took the oldest with me to an eye dr apt, and she was so happy to have mother daughter time. Pretty bad when an eye drs apt counts, but you do what you can. Maybe even just taking him on errands with just you once a week, or grabbing ice cream together quickly would be worth it. Also two good books are "Creative Correction" and "Five Love Languages". There's little tougher than having a bunch of little ones at home. I'd try to find ways to lay off him as far as dicipline, and just try to reconnect. I may even consider putting him back in diapers, and acting like it's no big deal.

Look beyond the behavior to the underlying needs causing it. See him not as "bad" but as another human being doing the best he can with the tools he has right now to navigate his world. Allow him to be successful and empowered by giving him real choices and helping him develop tools, while realizing he's only 3 and maturity is a gradual process. See his needs as real and valid and be a door-opener instead of closer in his life- try to say yes or some form of yes as much as possible. The articles and forums at Gentle Christian Mothers (gentlechristianmothers.com) were a lifesaver for me when my son was 3.

read mary sheedy kurcinka's "How to Raise Your Spirited Child" hire a babysitter if you can't find the time otherwise. SERIOUSLY this book will save your relationship with your son!!
the only other thing i can think of, since he's 4, have you tried just talking to him and asking him exactly what's going on? (not angry or upset, but taking him into a room by himself the next time he does one of these "bad" things, and just talking to him)

Good day A.,

You are not alone. I have a 11 year old and a 9 year old. My 11 year old sounds like your 3 year old. I go through trauma everyday with him. He won't do anything in school education wise, but wants desperately to be a bully and hang with the bad kids. At home, because I am a single full time working parent, he does everything-bad. He has put holes in my walls, stolen money and food and toys and other kids belongings, forged my signature on documents regarding his behavior for school, slapped and hit his brother, spit on and kicked my mother, he has damaged one of the sensors of my home alarm systems and I could just go on and on. I to am a disciplinarian. I have had 4 tutors for him. I have had him tested for ADHD, ADD, Bi-polar, LD and everything else that you can imagine. I have had an IEP done for him at his school. I talk to him about his behavior and his education, but it comes in one ear and goes out the other.
I pray and cry daily for my child, I have had to seek counseling because I do not know what else to do for my 11 year old. I will pray for you, your 3-year old and the rest of your family for patience and deliverance. If you happen to receive some helpful information, please pass my way.

Hi A.,

I was the mom who just wrote the other question about a 3 1/2 year old boy who is out of control! (in a newsletter last week)

I had an awesome day with my son yesterday, and here's what did it. It finally wasn't raining, and our swingset was finally up and finished!!! He was an angel yesterday, and I think it's because he had something to do to wear him out. He really needed an outlet, and it was so hard to take him outside before the swingset was up - he was going everywhere else to find things to do - he never stayed in the yard. So we stayed inside to play, and he was a beast! We'll see if things go as smooth today, but he sounds very similar to your son in his behavior patterns. He's not potty trained, smears his poop on the floor, pees in his dresser drawer, etc. Bedtime has gotten easier, but the rest of the day is horrendous sometimes.

Just hang in there!!! If you have a park nearby, GO!! If you can get away with just him or him and one other child, DO IT! I know, with my son, he's just super smart and bored - he needs constant stimulation, so he either needs to be one-on-one with someone so he has all the attention occupied OR he needs some other form of entertainment to keep him focused. I hope you can get it figured out. I feel your pain! We may be back to the same thing in a day or two when the newness of the swingset wears off - who knows?! I know it's hard, and you don't know if you're going to make it through another day alive, but you will! This too shall pass!

I hope my own experience helps you some, and feel free to keep messaging if you just need to vent to someone who gets it! You're in my prayers!

Musikgarten has a great parenting class called Endzone. It is run by a clinical psychologist Dr. Dana Schneider Flynn. It is based on the book Smart love by Martha Heinemann Pieper and her husband William Pieper. It teaches a great parenting style known as "loving regulation" which is based on a lot of clinical research showing how traditional discipline often has long term negative effects and in the case of your little one may not work at all. Time outs and other discipline tactics lead to distance between child and parent. Tantrums and the sort of behavior your little one seems to be exhibiting are a sign of stress. The last thing you should do when a child is exhibiting this kind of stress is "discipline" him. You could also make an appointment with the psychologist who runs the Musikgarten class. She has a private practice here I think in River Forest. Good luck.

Have you ever read the book 1-2-3 Magic? When my oldest (now 19 almost 20) turned 3 she turned into this little monster that I would argue with and she would win! It helped me to understand her better and gave me a great discipline style.

I also have a 19mo old with another on the way, and I swear that my little Zoe hasn't the strongest little soul of all! She's already going through the trying "2's" and I may just be writing the same blog as you have in sooner than I want to!

Good Luck I hope you find some solutions...

Hi A.,

After a long time of trying to figure out my fist daughter I finally turned to a professional. My daughter is now 9 and she still goes to SMART LOVE FAMILY SERVICES in Oak Park. She see's a counselor once a week and I have a much happier and easier to manage child. Hope this helps.

Oh, please relax and try to enjoy this little guy - he's not being bad and discipline is not what he needs; he needs to know he's still special to you. He's crying out for things to be normal. Of course, they will never be the same again, and eventually he will figure this out, but it sounds like you could use some help at home. It sounds to me like things are pretty chaotic and crazy and calming down the home and his life would help. Any change, new baby or whatever, can cause acting out like this. Make sure he and the other kids know that just because there's a new baby, they're not second-class kids. And you describe yourself as happily married, yet you make no other mention of your husband. You could hand the new baby off to him after feeding, and occasionally just sit and watch TV with, or read to, the other kids, very quietly and calmly and as if you've got all day and time does not matter. It doesn't really matter what you do with them as long as you do it. Anything else you were going to do during that time can wait. I know the tendency is, when the new baby is asleep, to "get things done," but try to fight that and just stop and "be" with the other kids. There's nothing more important right now.

Hello! I have 4 children also. There is a lot we could talk about! My youngest is now 16 mos, the next one up is 3.5 and then I have a 7.5 and 12 year old. Yes, attention, sleep and food are important factors. Psychological problems, not likely, though, sometimes I wish I could fix all of our problems with some kind of magic.:)

My favorite parenting book is Parenting With Dignity. There is also one for the Toddler Years. Maybe we could read it at the same time and chat about it. I could certainly benefit from talking to someone in the same boat.

No, you are not alone!