My 4 Year Old Needs to Build Her Confidence

Don't do it for her. She doesn't have confidence because she doesn't do. She doesn't do because it's easier to throw a fit and make mommy do it.

Let her be herself.
She does not have to do things that other kids, are doing.
She is her own person.
Teach her that.
Teach her that trying her best... is HER best. Not based on what others think of her.
Not everyone is "perfect." ADULTS make mistakes too, and they still have fun. NO one, is perfect.

All kids go through bouts of this.
But, it is how you perceive her.
And how she is able to be herself, or not.
Let her do things, that SHE enjoys or has talents for. It does not have to be like everyone else.
Thus, she will be able to know, herself.
A child who knows themselves, grows more self-assured. Hence, confidence grows. And self-reliance.

Some kids are introverts. Some are extroverts. There is no one best way, to be.
Teach her that.

Since my kids were 2 years old, I worked on guiding and teaching them, to be THEMSELVES. To know their likes/dislikes/talents/interests. And now at 5 and 9 years old, they do and they are very self-assured children. Who are not followers and are not, caught up "comparing" themselves. They know, who they are.
And even if they make mistakes, no biggie.
Because, even adults are not perfect.

Be who SHE is.

If she doesn't want to try something for now. Then fine.
One day, she will.
She is so young.
At this age they do still need help or assistance and guidance.
A 4 year old, is NOT fully independent or self-reliant.
Keep expectations, age appropriate.

ALL kids, go through bouts of general 'fears' or apprehensions.
Even, adults.

Your daughter, maybe does not want to try things, because she will be embarrassed.... if she does not do it, like she is expected to.

My Husband when younger, was similar.
He said it was because he was afraid of being embarrassed.
He was very self-conscious as a child. And his Dad, was a perfectionist.

When my daughters are afraid of failing, lazy or being little brats ;) I always ask them to try first before I help them. So, when my 3 year old "can't" zip up her jacket I say "you try first and then I'll help you". 9 times out of 10 she CAN do it, she just needs a little nudge.

Also, be sure to praise her when she does things that come easily. Maybe she's great at colouring in the lines so tell her "you've done a great job of colouring that picture....remember when you just scribbled all over the page? But you've been practicing and now you can do it!" Or something along those lines. Then see if you can compare something she HAS learned to do well with something you feel she needs to work on.

My almost 3 year old spends a lot of time with his 10 year old cousin, and wants to do everything he does, he's his role model. I WISH he wasn't so fearless, lol, when he goes in for his 3 year check-up next week I'm wondering what his pediatrician will say about all his scratches, scraped knees, and bruises ; ) Is it possible for your daughter to play with children older than herself? She may see them doing things she's not and take their lead.

As far as him not doing things for himself from fear of failing I make myself unavailable to help at times, busy myself. He sees it needs to be done and now does it, dresses himself pretty well, can't connect zippers yet, just zipping them up and down, but is working on it, and determined to do it. I encourage and praise him even when it's not perfect, and that seems to carry over to his wanting to do it even more.

I recall when my older kids were little there were dolls made by Playskool called Dressy Bessy and Dapper Dan. They had zippers, buttons and ties on them to help a child learn to do these things for their dolls which transferred over to themselves. I found these dolls by Russ that do the same thing:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3...

I have no doubt your daughter can do the things she won't try as well, just keep encouraging and praising her when she does anything. If she goes on the smaller slides maybe you could say something like, "You do that so well!" and "Oh, look, so-and-so is on the slide over there, would you like to go play with her?" Don't acknowledge it's a higher slide, just that she might want to play with her friend. Don't let any frustration show, at some point she's bound to be doing all the activities her friends are.

My daughter is in a similar phase. She has been feeling big feelings and when she is afraid, she is really afraid.

For example, she was sick and so we missed her usual gymnastics class. We went to one a different night and it was a new coach. She didn't want to go. She was terrified. So I said, "Are you feeling afraid? That's okay. Everyone feels afraid sometimes. Even mamas and papas. Even NANA feels scared sometimes. Let's sit down and watch for a bit." We did, and the other kids were having a lot of fun. The coach was warm and playful. "I said, "Check it out. They look like they're having a lot of fun. The coach seems pretty nice. We can go home. I you have a lot of fun at gymnastics and I don't want you to miss something you love so much, so I think this seems like a perfect time to practice being brave. You might have a LOT of fun if we stay."

Then I waited for a second because she was thinking it over. I said, "Okay, we need to make a decision. Do you want me to take you to Coach, or do you want to get in the car?" She said, "I want to stay." So she did and she was very timid at first, but by the end she was jumping on the bars and feeling really, really proud of herself.

When it was over I said, "I am really proud of you. When we get home I want to tell daddy about how you felt scared, but you did it anyway. That was very, very brave.

And it was.

It's interesting. She's a really physical kid. Really in her body. She climbs high enough to turn me grey. But she's not afraid of that. It just comes naturally. I guess I like that about her because it's fun, I like physical play too. But I feel more proud where she works at the things that don't come naturally. I admire that, because I am often so afraid to fail, that I won't even try. I'm learning a lot about courage from my daughter and my niece. They are two of the bravest people I know.

re: the fear of failing at something-- perhaps you can show her how you make a mistake (for example, in front of her, bumble around with your zipper on your coat and zip it up incorrectly), and then say out loud in a calm voice and with a smile, "geez, i guess i made a mistake with this zipper. oh, well, not a big deal if i make a mistakes." and then do it correctly. in that way, you can begin to normalize making mistakes but in a showing, not telling way.

also, deliberately do something wrong in front of her (for example, brush your teeth but with the handle not the bristles, and see if she can "correct" you in a nice way-- let her be the expert). do that a few times to show her that making a mistake is 1) not a huge deal, and 2) she has knowledge to help mama!

hth!

Maybe take her to a playground or indoor structure on a day that is not crowded with some younger kids, and ask her to her show them how to do things. If she has less pressure and more of an instructor view, maybe she would be the one to reassure a smaller kid? Or have her paired up with a favorite kid that is a bit older that can encourage her, does she have a favorite cousin or neighbor that she idolizes? Use peer pressure to all of its hidden advantages :)

Let her do it. I'm working with my 2 year old son on getting him to dress himself. It takes a lot of time to fight with him about him doing it, but I know it's important for him to do what he is able to do.

I just don't let him have whatever it is he wants until he puts on his own pants ...for instance, yesterday he wanted me to read him a book, i just told him, your task right now is putting on your pants. Once you've done that, I'd be happy to read with you.

try a dance class, karate or even t ball or something ;)

my daughter is 5 and does dance and pageants (no im not suggesting you put her in pageants as they are not for everyone). she has amazing confidence and does sometimes pull the shy card. maybe tell her she needs to get herself dressed with underwear, a shirt and bottoms that you lay out. make them easy outfits (pants with no buttons/zippers). give her a few mins to do that. when you come back and shes dressed praise her for being a big girl and dressing herself. then that night tell her that if she dresses her self for 3 days she can wear an outfit of choice (as long as its school appropriate). give her little tasks to do and slowly build them up.

Offer her lots of praise for things that she can or will do. Never scold her for not being able to do something... encourage her... she's only 4. My son responds well to encouragement and/or praise. You can see the pride on his face when I praise him for doing a great job. Kids are learning things everyday in this big world and they need to know that they are ok. In the beginning, everything should be a "great job!" You can worry about tweaking it later as she gets more comfortable. Never compare her to other children by saying "why can't you do such and such like so and so?"

Ask her why it is that she doesn't want to do something. Validate those feelings but explain why it can be done anyway. Let her know that you won't be upset with her if she doesn't get it right, that it's the effort that counts. I wouldn't push things like climbing, etc. but there is really no reason that she can't brush her own teeth.

I agree with the previous poster about showing her that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. Team sports and or any group activity goes far in instilling confidence.

Don't put pressure on yourself because most other 4 year olds can do such and such. Every child is different. We tend to understand that when they are babies but lose sight of that as they get older. I understand that these are just examples and you're probably more worried that it's a precursor to something bigger. However, at the end of the day, if she's happy and content but can't go down a large slide... eh... who cares.

Pick your battles and start small... don't tackle them all in one day. Good luck!

Honestly, I think you should give her some time, she's only 4. So what if she doesn't climb a ladder or go down a slide...It sounds like you might be doing this more for you rather than her (I know it's embarrassing to have the only kid who won't do something). My dd was afraid of slides at that age and now is a dare devil...time cures all...

As far as dressing, zippers, etc...same thing applies, just wait a while and they start doing it themselves...especially with peer pressure as they get older. I never pushed anything and low and behold, she would start doing it on her own (probably sooner than if I pushed her).

Drama class has given my kids a ton of confidence. Although they always have fun, drama teaches life long skills of being able to speak in public and speak up. I highly recommend it.

Dont do anything for your child than they can do for them selfs.
yet at times do 50 50 you do one shoe i will do the other. you do the shoes i will do the socks. if they donot respond then put them in a bag and when you get to preschool say _____ would not put on her shoes she needs to put them on before she joings her class. let your child know children who get dressed gets to pick there cereal. if you have to dress her then you will pick her cereal and when you dress her and she has the bigest fit know to mankind dont give in.
tell her i am so sorry you made this choice next time you will get dressed.