D.B.
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I'm having a hard time past something and I really want to so I'm hoping I can get some great advice. Ive been really great friends with this person for 5 yrs. We met when she was a single mom and struggling to make ends meet. Our daughters are the same age and are Bffs. I did everything possible to help her. Babysat, bought her kids things when things when she couldnt. I truely didnt mind and never thought twice about it. 3 yrs ago she met a guy, after a year she decided he was the one. After 2 yrs she was geting really concerned that he hadnt popped the question. I stood by and listend to her sob story day after day, when she was thinking of ending it I helped get past it and stick with him. Hes a great guy just gun shy I think as his first marriage didnt work out. He also has money and I think he was being cautious. I told her her she loved him then just be happy. Well he finally came around and popped the question, I was there and screamed and cried, I was so happy for her. I knew how bad she wanted this. Well this is where she changed. She moved in with him and quit her job. They have 4 kids between them. Yea, I;m glad she can do this. In the mist, my husband was on workers comp for a whle so his income was less and I lost me job. She starts planning her wedding in Mexico with me as MOH and my 2 girls in the wedding as well. I told her on several occasions that I could afford to attend, then I said well I'll at least try to get myself there but I cant get my whole family. Months after blowing me off on this she says, I've worked you into our budget and I'm gonna pay your way. I really want you and the kids there. I was reluctant, but thought it meant a lot to her, so I agreed. We bought dresses and went forward making plans, I got my girls passports and everything. Well a few months ago she calls me because she was going to book out flights and I agree to the times. Then I get a text from her saying the tickets are $1800 and she was gonna pay $1000. I was in shock and upset. So I called her and reminded her that I couldnt afford that. I just started working again. She kinda got an attitude, So I pulled out and told her we werent going. After she talked it all up to my girls, I had to be the one to tell them they werent going. I was upset over upsetting my kids. I let it go and just avoided wedding talk with her. I really love her but my feelings are hurt so bad. She could of just had me but it was all or nothing, so now I feel as I'm not as important to her as she says I am. 2 Weeks ago I threw her a bachelorett party, as I had promised a year ago, I keep my word and after all I still consider her my bff. Her wedding is next month, and shes so busy and not herself, Shes almost a little snobbish. The other thing I'm upset about is when I lost my job aand we were having money issues. Trying to keep our home. I just needed someone to talk to, and everytime I tried to talk with her, she blew me off or changed the subject. Its all about her. Now I know once the wedding is over things will be different, shes been stressed. But I honestly dont know how to get past this. I do forgive her. I really care for my friend, I'm having a hard time letting go of wverything shes done or not done. Any advice would be great. Thanks
Just to add, I'm not jealous, Ive been married for 11 yrs to a wonderful man. We have a great life and ive since got a new job making more money than I ever have and he is back at work with a raise.
Ladies, thank you so much for the advice, although I was not ready to hear that I need to end the relationship, but after reading what you said , maybe I should. You ladies make alot of good points. One other thing I didnt mention that make this hard is we coach cheer together, our daughters teams have been together for 4 years, Id hate to disapoint the kids by breaking the team up. This i am certain would crush my daughter and prob hers as well. I think I'm going to just sit back and pray that the old person returns after the wedding, if she doesnt then I will have a heart to heart talk with her and see where we go from there. I really think ya are correct in that I just didnt see the true her. My family doesnt really care for her and there are other moms from our cheer organization that dont care for her. Maybe they see something I dont. I initally befriended her because the other moms wernt being nice but then it turned into a friendship that I was really enjoying. I'm really her only friend. Thanks again and I'll give you guys a update in a few months.
Ha mrs devils advocate. Believe me if I could of I would of. I've only had my new job one month and the wedding is in 3 weeks. The hotel is booked and flights to Mexico at last minute are far and few.
No, I never assumed because she now had the means to do anything for me. It would have never in aillion years have expected her to pay our way. She brought it up and offered. I even refused at first and she made me feel guilty about not standing up for her so I accepted. I actually had all intentions of paying her back once things got better for us.
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Don't be so sure she will go back to being "herself". I think she is being "herself" you just didn't notice. It was all about her. What you are most upset about is the fact that she wasn't there for you. The money isn't the issue its that she didn't give you the support that you needed. That is not friendship that is using. I would tell her that you are happy for her and wish her well. I would back off the friendship and see what she does.
Sometimes 5 years isn't long enough to really know someone. It was much less than that too before she met her now husband. I've made friends like that where I really liked them and we had so much in common and I didn't mind being the supportive one. I didn't consciously think about it but I guess I thought that it was just a tough time for them and someday they'd be there for me if I needed it etc etc. That often doesn't happen. Your friend was super lucky to have you during her bad times and now she's showing that it's not just bad times that make her self centered or self focused. If I were you, I'd "reclassify" what type of friend she is. If you truely enjoy her and don't expect her to be the same type of good friend you are, then keep being friends. It means you have to change your expectations though. If your friendship was more based on events and difficulties, you may be better off letting her drift away. I've been so frustrated and mad at friends in the past and hurt etc and now I much more quickly kind of size up what type of friend I think someone will be. It doesn't mean I don't make friends but I do much more tailor my expectations and am aware when or if I help them that it may prove to be one-sided.
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I know you were just trying to give background here but think back and find some times where she helped you or made you feel better? It seems like you've done a lot for her and even before the wedding/engagement, was it the same? Were you being nice and just assuming that if she had the means she would do the same for you? Maybe not, as it seems.
Overall I think you're handling things very well and being adult about it, but in the end, maybe your friendship isn't going to be what it once was. That doesn't mean you can't be friends with her or hang out, or have playdates, or whatever, but if you feel like you're putting more into it than her, maybe it's time to pull back a little.
Like it or not, it sounds like she HAS changed.
A real friend wouldn't offer to pay & then tell you had to pay for half of it. A real friend wouldn't guilt you into anything. A real friend wouldn't set your kids up for disappointment like that. A real friend would understand that you wanted to be there, but that you just couldn't fit it into the budget. A real friend would understand that her wedding isn't the only thing going in in the world.
You'd think that since she had previously struggled, she would understand that. I am not a fan of game playing & diva like behavior. I would keep my distance, and see how she is when she gets back from the wedding.
I hope she gets back to normal, but I have a feeling she won't, honestly. Money can do bad things to good people, unfortunately. I guess it just depends on how much you are willing to put up with.
Sometimes friendships run their course, sometimes they are forever. Either way, it's okay.
Weddings make people crazy. She shouldn't have offered to "get you there" and then offered half the fare.
Bridezillas are a real, existing beast. I'll bet she's back to her old self once the rice is out of her hair.
Get her a special gift and write a note saying again, how sorry you are that you could not afford to be there in person, but you'll be there in spirit!
It sounds like you are showing her a lot of grace. Just keep doing that. You are right that it is a wedding, and that people get stressed about that. Your daughters will get over it. I wouldn't put too much else into that emotionally. I imagine I would be hurting, too. You sound like a great friend. I hope she realizes that!!
If you are now making more money than you ever have, and your husband got a raise - then why can't you afford to pay the $800 for the tickets??
just playing devils advocate......
Sounds like this friendship has always been one sided. Some people are givers, some are takers, some do well at both. Based on your history together it sounds like she'll be 'your friend' again when she needs you.
It stinks sinking 5 years into a friendship only to find out that you're the giver and she's the taker- but better to cut it off now and find a new bff- there's a lot of people in this world. I agree with the others, it sounds like this friendship has run its course.
I'm sorry to hear this. Sometimes, friends can be hurtful to one another and not even realize it.
Unfortunately,I don't think you can talk to her about it since her wedding is so close and she's obviously thinking only of that, and probably the first few months afterward would be difficult too. However, that being said, I think your feelings need to be verbalized whether she wants to hear them or not. I wouldn't necessarily bring up the money you used for her and her children when she didn't have money herself, but I would definitely say how disappointed and hurt you were that you weren't able to be at the wedding after you had committed to it because she said she had your tickets taken care of. (I would make sure to use "I feel" statements and not things like, "You said you would..." so that she doesn't get defensive, but you do need a chance to let her know how you've been feeling.)
Good luck!
Some people... just change.
Not always for the better.
Her Fiance has money.
She is now caught up in that.... and changed.
Her life, is different now.
Not the same as yours.
She is... self-centered.
"Money" can do that to some people.
They become, superficial. Don't appreciate their previous life and hardships. Nor who was there for them in hardship.
It shows, her character.
It shows, her character.
Her character, is situational. Not, stable.
I would not get too hung up on this.
You tried to talk to her and she blew you off.
Stress or not.... a person does not treat a BFF like that.
How do you know... she will revert back to her usual self, after the wedding???? You don't know that.
You tried to talk to her, and she didn't even apologize. Or give a reason.
If my BFF could not afford something, I would not hold it against her.
I would be concerned, about my friend's, financial ability. Not mine.
