I am a pretty confident mom, but I've got a very challenging child. My 7-year-old daughter who asked for a Hannah Montana guitar for Christmas a year ago and was super bummed that the guitar-centered summer camps at Ethos were full by the time we tried to sign up and was super excited about taking an after-school guitar class this year in 2nd grade is now claiming that she never wanted to play guitar. She's a very bright and capable child, but she seems to quit any time anything gets too hard. My husband and I are never sure how hard to push her (or not) because we sense that she will be thankful after the fact if she sticks it out and learns that not everything comes easily and hard work yields results. We've decided that she has to continue with guitar class for the rest of the school year (we made a commitment for the year) and continue to practice, buuuuuuuuut it's like pulling teeth sometimes to get her to practice and it's draining my energy reserves. Have any of you found some approach that works wonders for your perhaps-perfectionist child?
Response #2- Thanks again, for the responses. I probably haven't explained this very well, though, because several have missed the mark. I should just keep self-talking myself because I know my daughter, and I'm pretty sure I know what's going on here. She's 7 and we've let her try lots of new things and we've done it with a grain of salt. She's joined and quit and re-joined ballet. It's just that on this activity, more than anything else, I can tell that she wants to quit because she's scared to death of "failing" or having to actually try as opposed to having it come easily. It's not that she's too young. After a few days of honest-to-goodness practice, she's made amazing gains and is doing quite well. I'm not forcing her to continue just on principle, I'm forcing her to continue so that she can see that it's okay to "fail" and that you can just get back up and try again. And on the flip side, I'm making her to continue so that she might see that even if something is hard to begin with that if you work at it, it gets easier (and funner too :)). For me it's about helping her learn that you don't have to quit because you're not perfect. It's OK to not be perfect! She had tons of anxiety last week about going to class. But once she went, it turned out just fine. So sometimes you have to force yourself through to the other side to find out that you're not going to die. This is something I didn't get as a kid--and I probably would have hated it!--but it would have been good for me. My husband has similar stories. His parents supported him wholeheartedly in everything, but they never made him follow-through. We all have choices and we're responsible for ourselves, but sometimes kids need a little shove. As far as battles go, I picked this one for a reason. Wish me luck!
Response #1- Thanks for all your responses and by all means keep responding! It's hard to encapsulate your complicated child in one paragraph. I like the book suggestion--just the title "Living with Intensity" sounds like living with my daughter. I put it on hold to check out from the library.
I want to say that guitar class was not my idea--in other words I'm not pushing her into something she doesn't want to do. I'm fine with her quitting after the year is up, but I'm not fine with her giving up trying. And mostly that's because this is not about guitar, it's about being upset that the other kids are better than her. And yes, perhaps she is a bit young, I understand that, but this is not a high pressure class. It's not classical guitar, they are starting with pieces of fun songs that can be played right away. I've listened to her and helped her play and I really think she's getting better. And, of course, she'd be even better if she was practicing more at home. I'm not pressuring her to be perfect (I don't think anyone is) but I am pressuring her to try her best. I think all of us have felt this kind of embarrassment of being "bad" at something, but I want to figure out how to help her change her natural (or conditioned) response from wanting to quit to wanting to try harder. Or if she does want to quit, I want it to be for the right reasons--that she'd rather spend her time on something more fulfilling--not because she can't stand to do something that requires effort to get good at.
Does that make sense??
Did she say WHY she wants to quit? It might be a deeper issue than just "it's too hard" or "I just don't wanna anymore". That might help you with deciding what to push and what not to push. I think it's a good idea, though, to enforce that she follow through the end of the sessions, since she made that commitment and you have invested the money. It teaches responsibility and follow through with obligations.
Some kids "quit" when they feel they can't be 'perfect' enough.... or perfect enough to please us, the Parents.
Try emphasizing the 'fun' in something, versus the doing of it perfectly... that "trying your best" is the MAIN thing... and each person is different with different talents...that even adults are NOT perfect.
If anything, maybe a hiatus is needed. Maybe she just has to find the 'fun' in something... versus just plain 'accomplishment.' That is the main thing in a young child.
Bright & capable kids... like my daughter, has different things that drives them. Maybe find out what clicks with your daughter. Instead of just drilling about "doing it" for which sometimes that is not a reason for a kids.
Maybe she was just too young. Guitar is really hard to learn and really hard on your fingers. It looks fun, but it really isn't. You really have to want to do it. I started my older daughter in piano lessons when she was 6 because she wanted to play piano. After a couple years of stress (not wanting to practice, complaining it was too hard, etc.) we let her give it up. She had a friend at the time who begged and begged to take piano. Her mom and dad made her wait until she was in 4th grade and by then she wanted it so bad she was really focused on it and did so well! Made me wish I had waited with my daughter instead of pushing it. Maybe you could give it a try later when she's older, if she still is interested. I wouldn't push it right now if she's not interested.
She's old enough now for you to explain that the next time she wants to take a class to learn something new she will be expected to complete the class. You might encourage her to try something that you notice she has a natural talent for so that she can build up some confidence.
Something else that might help you is reading about gifted children. I have no idea if your daughter is gifted or not, but you mention that she is bright, and perfectionism is one trait of gifted kids. Both of my boys are gifted, but my youngest is much more difficult to handle because he is more typical of gifted kids. I'm currently reading a book called Living With Intensity, and it is fantastic. It talks about how to handle gifted kids, and it talks about dealing with kids who won't try new things because of fearing not being able to do it perfectly. It has helped me a ton.
I would make her stick out the year. It's important for kids to learn about commitment and responsibility. If she still wants to quit at at the end of the year, let her. I would ask her to practice and encourage the practice, but don't spend all your energy forcing it. It will make you crazy and make the experience even more negative for your daughter. Maybe you can try asking her to show you what she's learned and then you can try it. It maybe fun for her to be the teacher and you the student. Also, she can see that even mommy isn't perfect, but that she still has fun trying. My mom and dad made me stick out each thing I tried for the length of time I was signed up for, and as much as I hated it then, I'm grateful and will make my daughter stick it out as well.
Thanks for this question. I have a "perhaps-perfectionist" child whom learning comes easeily to as well. We have discovered that he has a vision issue which requires "vision therapy" this year. He has to do this to strengthen his eyes- he hates it because it is difficult for him and it requires work every day. He refused to participate in his vision therapy yesterday- which, to me, felt like throwing $100 down the toilet. Irritating. I struggle with how to handle his refusals and how much he should be pushed. I often wish I had a parent coach to help me out. I am going to keep a watch on your thread to see what advice you get. I'll check out the website and book suggested already. This parenting thing is sooo hard. Hang in there and know that you are the best parent for your child.
There are times where my daughter will put up a fight and insist she cannot put on her shoes or dress herself, etc. Since I know she can do these things I tell her, "I really think you can do this." and then I just listen to her and offer my caring and warmth as she cries and insists she can't do it. I remind her I love her and that I really do think she can do it. I sit close to her and just let her say whatever needs to come out. Once she cries, sometimes for 10 minutes or more, it's like the clouds clear and the sun is out again. She smiles and puts on her shoes, or clothes or whatever it is, like she never had a problem with it. Here's an article that might help. It's about school struggles, but I think it covers the basic idea of kids feeling like they can't do something and how to help. I LOVE the story at the end about a mom helping her daughter learn all the state capitals! http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/00...
That said, do check in with yourself about whether guitar is right for your daughter. Sometimes we all get ideas about how we think something will be and then it just doesn't float our boat in reality. I think there is no "right" answer, just what's right for you and your family! Good luck!
Use it as a chore if it has to be, but good for you for putting your foot down. If nothing else she will be more careful about what she tells you she "really wants to do" this time...
Tell her things like "No practice, no tv..and I mean a good practice..to check her progress expect a short "demo" every other practice or something. If she isn't doing the lessons...it will show. Stay for a lesson too and make sure she is behaving herself and paying attention and not just saying what the teacher wants to hear. Get an honest assessment from the teacher as to her progress as well. Yes, its also work to check up on them but often if we don't the effort won't be put in if they believe they don't like doing it. (Went through the exact same thing with a school subject with my son.)
Remember that kids like to try new things, and we need to encourage them to do so. She didn't know if she would like playing the guitar until she took lessons, and now she has learned that she doesn't want to do it. If you force her to keep going everytime she trys something new, she will eventually quit trying new stuff and will just do what she has always done because it is easier and safer with less pressure...she's a little girl who needs to be supported in expanding her horizon. I hope this offers you a different perspective on where she may be coming from.
