My daughter is a confident, fun loving, kind, easy going kid. She has always been this way. She has always been friends with kids from all different groups and would switch around every day to the group she ate lunch with or played with at recess. She is well liked, but always seems to be on the outside of the group. She seemed very happy and now she wants at least a close friend. This past year she thought she found that close friend, but the girl was so busy with camps, etc all summer they never got to hang out much. Now in middle school, this girl is definitely a follower and does not always include my daughter in group activities. They had made plans to trick or treat, but then when my daughter inquired about it, she said they never planned on doing it together. Needless to say, they were trying to figure out a 3 person costume, but this week my daughter said she would be something by herself since no one could figure it out. As of now, she is going out with a group of girls with that one she considered close, but she would really rather not because she feels like an afterthought.
My daughter is an Irish dancer and has many good friends in other towns. She is with these girls 15+ hours a week. She also plays soccer, is on the swim and dive team in the summer and goes to a week sleep away camp for a week. She is very confident and I worry that her self-confidence will disappear with the way she is feeling about her school friends.
She has been very sad and crying at night and saying she doesn't understand why she has friends but none of them of close. I did ask a friend if I had blinders on and if something was there that I didn't see. She said no, and felt the same way about my daughter. My daughter is the one who is always laughing and joking around and has been told by other girls that things are so much fun when she is there because she likes to laugh and have fun. My question is why isn't she invited to more group activities then. She is in a new school this year and they combined with another school. I told her that maybe she will find a close friend with a girl from the other school, but she says they all have their own groups from there also.
My heart just goes out to my girl. And I am afraid that her spunk she will go away. The teachers at school, as well as dance teachers and coaches always comment how much confidence and spunk she has. She has won coach awards for her spirit and dedication to the sport or team. What can I do to help her?
Hi! Just to clarify a few things about my daughter. It was in elementary that she would jump from group to group at lunch. This year because we had talked about it she decided to sit with a friend she considered close and with all the girls in that group. This is the group that the Halloween thing happened. The mother of this girl even mentioned to me 3 weeks ago about them trick or treating together so I know it was a planned thing. My daughter just doesn't like waiting to the last minute and she had a costume when she went camping with a friend a few weeks ago. So instead of waiting around because they couldn't decide she said would do something separate. She was just tired of them not making a decision.
Also, my daughter does Dance 15 hours a week but they are in the weeknight evening hours when no one is hanging out and Sunday nights. She plays on the soccer team in town and has since she was 5. At this point she is very happy but is just looking for someone she feels close to. She does not come off as pushy or needy or clingy. She has never been into any of the drama and has been the one to stick up for someone or tell people that is not nice to talk about others. She was usually the one in The Recess yard that would leave if girls were being petty towards others. She has never liked all the drama.
She is going out with the group and the girls are going to someone else's house for pizza and then trick or treating. She is being her own costume and not really talking to her friend. Guess we will see what happens. Just hoping that she can find what she is looking for. I wish her dance friends were in this town too because they are all very sweet. And even though some of them compete against each other there is no drama.
She needs to spend time with the kids she goes to school with. I understand she is busy with activities but they are not with the kids she goes to school with. Maybe a shopping trip or a movie with girls she is in school with, then maybe a sleep over.
You might want to explore what your daughter considers a "close" friend to be. Perhaps she saw a movie or read a book about best friends, who confided deeply in each other, were unfailingly loyal, and had amazing adventures together. The truth is, those kinds of friendships are often created by movie script writers and authors. And sometimes, the people who have one "close friend" have no one else in their lives.
It sounds as if your daughter has many friends. She dances, swims, plays soccer, on teams where she is presumably a valued team member. You list her many good qualities, and she seems like a well-rounded healthy person.
But she's looking for this elusive fairy-tale "close friend", when in reality, her friends are all around her all the time.
Encourage her to just look at the groups of friends and teammates that she has instead of searching for that one someone that she thinks she doesn't have. Get her a journal and encourage her to write in it.
Not everyone needs, or will have, that best and dearest one-of-a-kind friend. Many kids grow up surrounded by groups of friends. If your daughter spends all her time searching for that one close friend, she may miss out on the many friends she has. It's like a tourist who is bound and determined to take that one perfect award-winning magazine-cover quality photo, who has her eyes glued to the camera, and in the desperate search for that photo, misses the fantastic smells and tastes and music and people and experiences going on right around her.
Honestly I think having a BFF is like having a boyfriend at this age. They are usually fleeting and few and far between.
Maybe your daughter is very mature, and expects a more mature friendship than most girls are able to offer at this age. Middle school is full of shifting groups and interests and growth. Deeper friendships tend to happen in high school and beyond.
So maybe you need to remind her to adjust her expectations, and instead of pining over a relationship that she doesn't have she should focus on staying busy and meeting new people (which it sounds like she's already doing!) She should also be careful about coming off as needy or clingy because that will put people off.
My feeling is tha your daughter has too many things going on. She flitting from lunch table to lunch table, she's involved in Irish dancing several days (at least - you said 15 hours), soccer and more.
Close friendships form during down time. Your daughter doesn't have any. Kids probably feel either that "she's fine" with all other kids, or they feel she won't be around much. If she sits with a few girls, she doesn't know what they talked about yesterday or the day before, because she wasn't there. And she won't be there tomorrow because she'll be off somewhere else. At least that's how it looks to the others.
hat said, heres a lot of drama in social circles, and things change when hormones kick in sometimes. My suggestions are that a) your daughter stop looking for a best friend, and try to be a friend, and 2) she should look around to see who else is sitting alone but who lacks the confidence that your daughter has. Reaching out to a few kids with less spunk and self-assurance might help her find the hidden gems. And if she thinks, "Oh that girl doesn't seem that interesting, or that interested," then she's demonstrating the same behavior and attitude that mean be off-putting to other kids she thinks she wants to be with.
She also may be communicating ineffectively or inaccurately, either not reading nuances of speech or body language, if she thinks there were firm plans but there were not. Maybe she's just set her sights on a flighty girl who jumps from one bestie to the next (in which case, she's chosen a not-too-reliable idol) or she's picked someone who isn't particularly nice.
My BFF at that age was not from school, and one of my kids' BFFs has never been a school one either. School friends can come and go.
If her closest school friend is a follower, than that friend is caught up in fitting in. She's not worried about making sure your daughter feels included. She's worried about herself. It doesn't mean she's a bad friend - she's a teenager.
Feeling needy at this age/insecure doesn't help to make friendships. You say she's confident but on the flip side, she may be coming off as bugging her friend who is trying in her own way to fit in. Tough age. I'd tell her to ease up and just go with the flow. Don't worry about friendships. They never work out when you do, or when you force them.
This age is funny with friendships - it will sort itself out in a year or so. Just tell her to be herself and be kind to others, and the right friends will find her.
ETA:
Saw your SWH and that helps. I can relate to some of what you write.
The ditching the original plan with friends because she's frustrated with them - one of my kids would feel that way, but not cool to bail on friends. That will not go over well.
Girls in elementary often pair up with BFFs. One of mine felt like a third wheel sometimes as friends with a pair of BFFs and often went off with others. That's ok - good skill to have. She had lots of downtime (good point Diane) and had BFFs outside of school.
I would still encourage your daughter to go to a movie with an Irish Dancer friend etc. Once she develops those close friend skills, she will feel less upset. That's what I meant by needy/insecure. When you feel like you have peeps, you realize you're likable/builds self esteem, attract more kids who like you for you.
Some kids form close friendships a bit later - one of mine did. My friend's daughter is going through what yours is now too. Yours is not the only one and it will work out :)
Have you or your daughter considered that life for many people is quite normal without having a BFF?
Finding a kindred spirit is something that doesn't happen as often as tv makes you think it happens.
In general in order to make a friend you have to be a friend - so your daughter should be doing as much inviting as she wants others to invite her.
Middle school is a tough transition for everyone and being new in town it takes awhile to form a new social circle.
She just has to be patient and keep on doing what she's already doing.
Aw, your daughter sounds amazing. I have the same issue with my daughter...she always feels like she is the outsider with her friends and is usually left out. I don't know how to fix this, and I feel so bad for her when she is really upset about it. Like your daughter, she does have a lot of friends...but her friends are all closer to each other than to her. Tell her that making and keeping friends is sometimes a job...that she should get to know as many people as possible at her new school and invite the girls she feels like she "clicks" with to go do something one on one with her. They already have established friend groups, but she should keep working at it. Tell her there are always new kids that move to town each year. And there are always friendships that die off each year. Friendships between kids change a lot. She should never give up.
You (and your daughter) are working towards two very different goals: being a confident well-developed person, and, having a teenager best friend. It sounds like your daughter is effectively portraying an image of being "her own best friend" - not a bad way to be in life, but, not the best way to attract another teenager to be her close friend. Your daughter sounds like she portrays an image of someone who does not "need" (which can look to other teens like "does not want") anyone's friendship.
Is there any girl that your daughter really makes an effort towards, really shows that she cares about the one person?
To "switch around every day" the group she spends lunch or recess with - how could that possibly help her to develop a close friendship with any one person at school?! It's a great technique for exposure to many types of people (as I said above, being a "well-developed person"), but NOT a good technique to make any one schoolmate feel like your daughter really cares about a friendship with them personally.
And with all of her teams and activities in other towns, it sounds like your daughter is just flitting from place to place, from social group to social group, all the time.
Your daughter sounds very accomplished! But part of *having* a close friend is *acting like* a close friend. Wanting a friend when it's convenient for her (for example, the fun of a three-person costume because your daughter will be in the neighborhood that night so she wants to "line up a friendship" for that night), is not the way to get that true close friend.
Encourage your daughter to "pursue" what she wants. If your daughter really wants a few close friends, she should first identify the best "candidates" and then she should focus her efforts on really spending time with those people and having good conversations with them, not just floating by them on her way to another lunch group or another activity.
(ETA: In your SWH you say she is "very happy" but in your original post you say she is "very sad"!)
I would suggest asking your daughter to try to befriend a girl in her grade that doesn’t fit in with the other girls. I’m sure there is a girl who everyone makes fun of and treats differently. I hope that’s not your daughter. But if there is a girl who doesn’t have any friends, to see if she has anything in common with said girl and see if that girl could be a friend. I know I had issues making friends in school and once I befriended the girl that everyone thought was weird, she became my best friend and is still my best friend to this day.
Maybe it also seems like your daughter is very busy which doesn’t leave her much time to do things with her friends. Maybe because she’s not able to hang out after school or on The Weekends much, make some time to invite the girls over for a sleep over or to do something fun. Make sure these other girls see your daughter for the fun and spunky child she is. Maybe the problem is in the environment of school these girls haven’t been able to see how much fun your daughter could be. I can think of several three person costumes. The witches from hocus pocus, the three musketeers, three blind mice, or they simply go as a group as the same thing. All the above things could be done as girl costumes (three blind mice) dress in cute outfit, mouse ears and tails, and sunglasses... something like that.
get her involved with activities where she'll meet other kids who have similar interests.
ETA, the one sentence 'question' has been considerably expanded since i replied.
so i'm going with Elena B's response, which is pretty dang perfect.
khairete
S.
This is so hard. I totally could have written this as we are going through similar things with my 11 year old. I don't have any real advice because I'm trying to figure it out too. I think that at this age, girls are more prone to have one close friend and a group around them that shifts, but i don't feel like my daughter is like this either. I think maybe that's why our girls struggle--because they are not necessarily following the cultural norm for this age, and while that's fine, it is a struggle to feel like they fit in and make those tight bonds. Additionally, since they are kids, they just don't have the emotional maturity to see the bigger picture.
I think just keep plugging along and telling her all the positive things. If she finds someone that she seems to click with then help her foster a more one-on-one relationship with her by taking them to the movies, inviting the girl over, etc.
