How do I set bounderies that are acceptable to an over achiever who burns the candle at both ends. She is in leadership at school, mentoring younger students that are actually only 1 year younger than her, the other mentors are 17 to 18 years old. She skipped 4th grade and will graduate this year with a 3.85 gpa. She also works at McDonalds about 15 hours or more a week, and occasionally works for a concession company at our local civic centers to make money for her senior trip to Germany. My only complaint is that she is hateful toward me, assumes that my car is her domain, taking it without permission at times, she is constantly putting me down for my disability, I live with chronic pain in my spine, and much of the time i am incapcitated. I do try to have regular meals when her brother and she are here, but they eat at different times alot. She is always glamorizing her father and what a wonderful provider he is; just got out of prison and his wages are garnished for the first time in 15 years i actually got a couple payments,now she expects that is "her and brothers" money and i am being greedy and mismanaging my social secruity and using the support for my own needs, little do they know...I was raised to accept what i got and my parents finances were none of my business, and still aren't! I am so lost on what to do with this girl, she hates me so much and seems to be looking forward to the day i am no longer around. HELP!
You can always tell her she and her brother can have the money, HOWEVER, then they need to pay rent, buy their own groceries, pay part of the utilities, etc. Maybe she will get the idea.
Sorry to say this, but if she is that disrespectful, I don't know that she should be mentoring others. It makes me wonder just what she is teaching them??
I am so sorry that you are going through so much with your daughter. Much of it sounds like typical teenage stuff, however she should never use a disability against you. Most of the time kids don't realize how much effort is involved in raising children. She needs to understand that support payments are not an allowance for her and her brother, but are meant to offset the cost of raising the children brought in to the world by two parents. Sorry that I do not have very solid advice. Good luck.
Hi S. I would tell her that you are in charge and if she don't like it it's to bad. you recieve support and you handle the money and that she will learn to respect you , and your discions that you make for the family. next time she takes your car , teach her a little lesson call the police and report your car stolen when she takes it without asking . she will eventually think about what she is doing after so many times of getting caught stealing your car.
kids now a days want everything and are not greatful either .
C. N
It sounds like your daughter is frustrated with her surroundings (lets be honest, its not ideal even if you can't help it). I would say that it's NOT okay for her to help herself to your car...no way! But on the rest, you may just have to bite your tongue a little and be happy that she is so successful at 16. She obviously DOES know what she is doing and can handle her busy life.
Disrespect is never okay...but it's an everyday thing that your teen WILL grow out of. I joke with my 16yr old daily that 'someday he will be embarrassed at the way he thought he knew it all'! We had a few bad years, but once I learned to respect my son a little more for the young adult he was...like magic he started to act a little more like one!
~L.
Teenagers are difficult, especially females and especially smart ones. My 15 year old goes through cycles of extreme disrespect, thinking that she is retired and queen of the castle. Her "hating" you is most likely just a weapon to get what she wants or to injure you because she didn't get what she wanted. Try very hard not to take it personally. She really does love you even if at the surface she may not like something that just occurred.
I recommed (as suggested) teaching that the car is a privelege, not a right, by having her "earn" the car keys. If your disability prevents you from driving at times, I understand it may be difficult, especially if she is your chief errand runner.
The trip to Germany is also a privelege (especially since she will be underage) and can be taken away. HOWEVER I suggest praising her for earning her own money for it, and tell her how grateful you are for all the help she DOES give you, no matter how small (and be specific, like "thank you for picking up the clothes," or "unloading the dishwasher, I really appreciate it.) The more praise you give for the good she does, the less "hate" she may show towards you. But it will only happen over time, so you have to keep at it, even if you think it is not working. She will hear you, even if she isn't "listening" and your example of kindness will return by her actions. If not now, ten years from now. (I actually apologized to my mom for treating her the way I did as a teenager, when I was 22)
And above all, if she is not breaking the law or putting your family in danger do NOT lock her out of the house . That's insane.
Wow, I am soo sorry you have to deal with such a difficult situation. I would suggest, since she thinks she's oo grown up, share the house hold expenses with her. Explain to her that "child support" is exactly what it sounds like. It is money to the parent raising the children, to help with the expenses that go along with raising a child, like rent, clothes, food. Try to talk to her like an adult though. Show her how much money you get from Social Security and then show her how much all the monthly bills are. Put the amount of money you spend on her in a separate column so she can see how expensive it is to support two other people. I think you really need to put your foor down with the car. Taking it without your permission is very disrespectful. Take the keys and put them in a lock box or somewhere where she has to go through you to get them. If you can get into counselling, it would be a great idea for you and both kids. If she wont go to the counselling sessions, dont let her have the car. Even if she, has to miss work because she can't have the car. Dont let her have it unless she can respect you and follow your rules. SOme kids need tough love in order to see the error of their ways. I would deffinately look into couselling though. Some places and churches do free family counselling, it's something to look into. I really hope this helps. Let us know how things turn out. C.
Hi there S.! I am so very sorry you have this situation in your life. My husband lives with chronic pain and I have cancer. I walk your walk and I hear your call for help. My first word of advice is to get on your knees and talk with Jesus about this. The second thing I would encourage you to do is to call your daughter into your room and to have a heart to heart with her and tell her you love her and let her know how much you care for her. Tell her you know life is not what you desired for her that all of this certainly not an easy time for her and you know that. Get a notebook out and let her know that you would like to talk about 'life' with her and see what you can figure out about priorities and what she has going on. Tell her you want to be apart of these things with her and the pain you experience in your life is real and you hate it, but you are doing the best you can. Ask her to pray with you. I encourage you to include Jesus every step of the way - but to TALK with your daughter - encourage her to BE WITH you and it is amazing that when they feel that you are together on the same playing field -- disclipline still can happen, but the respect from them will come. I know from experience that when us parents are sick -- the kids feel emotionally abandoned and we have (through our tough times) have to reach and stretch outside our box a bit to lend them a hand still. Kids naturally look to us for their emotional security - we are their moms and they by default are entrusted to us by God -- I, by experience, would encourage and advise you to (maybe throw your daughter into shock -- i don't know) but to take this step and truly through conversation DAILY DAILY DAILY DAILY with your daughter -- and lend out your arms and hug her -- the respect will come.....it will feel good!!!! We are the adults and have to lead by example. Jesus loves you....I hope this helps!
Sorry to hear you are going thru this. It sounds like you have lost her respect and at this point, there probably isn't a way to get it back without some serious changes. You are going to have to try some tough love on her. My suggestion is to tell her that she will respect you or she will be out of the house. I'm sure she won't believe that you will do it, but it may take actually kicking her out of the house (and changing the locks if need be) for a few days until she realizes how good she has it.
I also believe that you should show her your finances and show her where all the money is going AND have her start paying for some items around the house so that she realizes how much things cost.
At last resort, take away the trip. Why send her on a fun trip when she doesn't deserve it?
Your daughter sounds very independent. Setting boundries for a teenager that is willfull is probably one of the smartest and hardest things a mom could do. It sounds like you may need outside help. Perhaps you should see a counselor. There are many in the area that work on a sliding fee scale so it is income based and well worth the little bit of money it will cost (if any). Also even though back when we were kids, our parent's finances were none of our business, it might be helpful to seek the advice of a financial advisor with you and daughter. This will teach her that not only are you responsible for your finances, she will learn how to be responsible with hers. Had I learned this lesson when I was younger, I may have had an easier time with my own finances. I didn't even know how to balance a checkbook let alone pay a bill. Your daughters independence may then become an advantage to you and the disability if she sees the efforts you are making she may be more apt to be helpful rather than willfull. Stick with her though, tell her you love her and tell her often. It may not seem like much today, but she will remember it when she gets older
