My 11 yo daughter is a pessimist. It seems that no matter how good her life is, if it's not perfect, she's complaining. Usually, she's complaining about her brothers--whether it's a legitimate complaint that I can actually help her solve, or something they accidentally did (and apologized for) MONTHS ago that she just recalled, it's like she's always either holding a grudge or got a gripe.
I would really like her to learn to count her blessings and be more forgiving. We're religious, we pray together and her father and I try to be good examples of forgiveness and gratefulness. I've tried talking to her about it, giving her a journal to write down her feelings, and had her write a list of her blessings and a list of good things about her brothers. I'm not sure what else we can do!
She's very generous, and she's more optimistic and forgiving with her friends than with her brothers, but the negativity when she's at home is very difficult for me to deal with. I've tried to be patient and just let her "vent," but it seems the more she talks about it, the worse it gets!
It also admittedly irks me when she's complaining about something that she could change herself, but won't (like her younger brother getting into her things because they aren't put away on her shelf like they should be), or when she complains about things that really have nothing to do with her--like an argument between her brother and his friend that she overheard (they've let it go, but she hasn't).
She's otherwise a happy, sweet child, and I'd really hate to see this affect her friendships if she holds too many grudges, or see her miss out on the "bright side" of so many things because she's so focused on the negative. Any ideas?
TIA!
God bless,
--A.
UPDATE: Thank you for all the responses!
For those who mentioned being homeschooled with her brothers all day, I should clarify that she takes a few classes with other girls, we get together with other families regularly, she has time to herself at home every day, and she does spend time with her friends--plus, her brothers are involved in outside things, too--so she's not spending 24 hours a day at home with her brothers. ;-)
She is currently the only girl (I was the only girl in my family, so I can relate to the possibility that that is part of it!), but she does have her own room. Her brothers are not allowed in her room without her permission, but she often leaves her things outside her room, where the 3-yr-old can get to them.
We do spend "girl time" together (my husband and I each try to spend some time with each child separately); she and I are going to see a movie with my mother tonight, in fact. Since this behavior has only started in the past few months, I agree that it's probably mostly hormones--I don't know why I didn't think of that! Maybe she's a little confused about her family role, as well, since we're having another baby in December, so I'll try to help her with those issues. I am definitely going to try the volunteering idea, as well. Perhaps it will help her to focus a little less on her own problems.
I also agree that I shouldn't be her "audience," although sometimes it's difficult to tell at first whether she has a legitimate complaint (sometimes she does), and I don't want to make her feel that I won't listen to her when she does need to talk. I'm also not the only one she complains to, so I guess I'll just have to discuss with her again what she's feeling, what is and is not acceptable talk, and how it makes me feel when she criticizes my other children. I love the "little monkey" story, too--I may just use that one to help explain forgiveness better. :-)
Thanks again, all! I will keep y'all updated on how things turn out!
Thank you for all the responses!
More time with her friends and more time with me didn't seem to be helping my daughter's negativity at all. So I talked with her again and found that she didn't really want more "girl" time (she doesn't want less, either, lol!), but she would like to spend more one-on-one time with her dad. He does make time for the kids separately sometimes, but most often, it is all of them together, and she felt like she couldn't really talk to him with her brothers around. So we did some planning, and he's going to take her out for an "ice cream chat" once a month. It has really seemed to make a difference already--she marks it on her calendar and very much looks forward to it!
We also talked about her putting her things away in her room, especially when she doesn't want her brothers getting into them, and she has done better with this. It helped a lot that we went through her things and gave away or threw out what she didn't need/want anymore, so she has much more room for her things now. I think the clutter in her room might have been adding some stress--she likes things to be organized.
As a side note, we also did some volunteering and made cards for nursing home residents--she was so cheerful and sweet with them, and I am so proud of her! We're going to be volunteering at our church for some upcoming events as well, and I think we will all enjoy that.
In general, she seems much more content and less pessimistic now. We still have some "grumpy" days (who doesn't?), but they occur a lot less often, and are much easier to deal with than before! :-)
Don't listen to her complaints! At some time when she is not complaining, maybe when you're doing dishes together or something, just tell her you are done listening to her complain, especially about her brothers. You've been there, done that and you're through. If she starts complaining, stop her, remind her that you are done being her audience.
You will hear her complaining as long as you are a willing an audience.
A.-
I don't know that this will help... but it is a cute story dealing with holding on to things that we hold on to.
How to catch a monkey... (stupid monkey)
In the jungles of Nicaragua (it could be Africa) they catch little monkeys. Now to catch these monkeys they set a trap with fruit. The trap is a box with a small hole in the side just the right for a little hand to reach in and get the fruit. Now the fruit is bigger than the hole. So, when the little monkey goes to get the fruit he can not get it out.. but, he won't let go of the fruit. Now all the monkey has to do to be free... is to let go. But, the little monkey does not! it has something that he wants. Even though there is other fruit in the trees, that the little monkey can get- the little monkey won't. I guess it doesn't want to take responsiblity to feed him/her self. Even when the hunter comes... the little monkey screams and cry's but, does not let go. The hunter hits the monkey on the head and kills the little monkey. If you were the monkey... What would you do?
This is what happens when we hold onto un- forgiveness. It captures our heart and our thoughts and in the end we are un-happy or (monkey soup). Jesus wants us to forgive because, it free's us. To be free.. all we have to do is let go of the fruit/offence.
We some times we don't let go because we are scared...
We may feel that we have power by holding on...
That we are right... and maybe we are...
but is it really worth it?
Holding on will keep you tied to the problem and some day... you could be hit on the head with a bigger problem.
Hope this cute little story will help. I has helped in my life. Nobody wants to be a stupid monkey.
About me- Home school son 17 and a daughter 13. Very active...
I have traveled abroad. I have done alot with childrens/ Teen ministries.
Greatfulness- We took our two to Nicaragua on a mission trip at age 12 and 8. We are very active in helping in our community. (angel tree, sameritans purse, harvesters, just to name a few.
Hi A.,
I would be tempted to have her do volunteer work in your community. Whether it be for elderly, homeless, battered women, etc. She is old enough to handle it. I think it would be a great way for her to realize she has it pretty good and also to get her mind off the petty little things. She will also learn the importance of helping one another.
Best wishes,
J. Hobbs
Dear A.,
I also homeschool. Isn't it wonderful?
I have been looking into http://www.feingold.org/ , researching what the additives are doing to the children, and adults, and I thought it would be good for you to read some of the things, too. Not all children (and adults) have sensitivies to the artificial things and preservatives in our food, and when they do it affects each child differently. Negativity could be one problem. What would it hurt to check it out. Especially click on the picture at the top of the page, the picture of the mouse, and read about a child's science project with mice and yellow food color #5. Very interesting.
Email me off line if you want to compare notes on homeschooling. ____@____.com
Our best guide (the Bible) tells us to think on things that are good and pure and holy and righteous and of a good report. I'd not let her say too much about the brothers, and I'd get her, early on, to stop and ask her how the complaining is going to help? Make HER answer you, then, when she has no good answer, remind her that she's talking bad about YOUR children. I would not allow it, and I'd remind her that whatever is "done to the least of these is done to Me", meaning how we treat others is how we're treating Jesus. Sometimes, too, I'll stop them, mid-sentence and ask "Are you perfect?" when they say, No, I'll ask them not to expect perfection from others until they themselves are perfect. Sounds harsh, but it's the truth!!
A. it sounds like you are doing all the correct things. Your daughter is just in a rut.
We tried a small reward for each hour we heard no "sad words". This helped and so did limiting the TV watching. The language on a number of children's show is very negative.
Good luck and God bless you and your family.
Venting just leads to more unhappiness. We adopted a boy with a temper and he was taught to vent. Of course now the experts say not to vent because it just feeds on itself.
She is getting a payback from all of her complaining and it sounds like you are her captive audience. Send her to her room and tell her that when she can stop it she can rejoin the family. Its sounds like its a habit, a very unpleasant habit and not fair to her brothers, and it can be broken and if you take away her audience she will probably quit. Make your home a non complaining zone.
You will have to stick to it and she may have to miss out on some family outings if she can't behave herself.
Explain to her that forgivness is a choice. First you choose to forgive, then you "put feet to it". God said that when He forgives us of our sins, He throws them as far as the east is from the west, and then He remembers them no more. Since He is our example, that is what we are to do, also. To hold a grudge means that you have not put feet to your proclaimed forgiveness. Are you greater than God, that you should require more than He ? Once you have chosen to forgive, don't even talk of it any more. To talk of it is to remember it and keep it alive. That's not how God handles it, so that is not how we should handle it.
At 11 years old, she is capable of understanding this.
Next, get that child involved in volunteer work with the less fortunate. She needs to see how blessed she is, and the best way to do that is to be involved with helping those who have not been blessed in quite the same way. The Lord also tells us to keep busy until He comes. Many kids get in trouble today because they are not heeding that one piece of advice. They do not stay busy enough doing constructive, worthwhile things. So they have time to get bored, and complain.
All that having been said ....... she is 11.
The teen years start before they are actually teens. (Especially with girls.) She is already becoming a woman. She is having trouble with her moods. She is not sure if she is still a little girl or a young woman. She is probably going to start her period very soon (if she hasn't already). You remember all this, I am sure. She needs you to help her understand this time, Mom.
Understand her moods, but don't allow her to express them the way she is now. Help her to find better ways to express herself, and to understand her changing body as well as her changing life.
Hormones are never a good excuse for rudeness or unforgiveness.
God bless you and your family.
It's hard to be the only girl in a house full of boys, especially when you're at that age where female companionship is so important through the pre-teen and teen years. My guess is that your daughter has hit the point in her life where she needs to find and nurture female relationships. That's probably why she's better with her friends. As her mom, you can embrace your daughter's adolescence by making a concerted effort to spend quality mother daughter time with her doing girly activities she enjoys (shopping, movies, manicures, etc.)Also, it's important for a girl her age to have privacy from brothers, so make her room a safe haven with a no boys allowed policy. Encourage her to spend time with friends (being homeschooled with just the boys probably adds to her annoyance of them.) She's becoming a young woman and needs time and patience. As far as other negativity, it's just the age and hormones. I think if she gets more privacy at home, more time alone with mom, and time with her friends, her mood may lighten.
(I'm 28 and my mother is still my best friend!! Make her teen years a time for you and her to bond--it will last a lifetime)
(And don't worry about the boys, my brother called me two weeks ago to go shopping with him to help him pick out an engagement ring for his girlfriend---the sibling bond will come as she gets more time away from them)
that is really hard A., and i don't have a teenage daughter, although i think it might be something to do with the age (i'm sure you'll get lots of good advice on here). what i wanted to say is, it might just be a personality trait. my husband can be very judgemental and "hard" on people, easily forgiving some things, but holding on to others for what seems like eternity. to the point that it stresses both of us out unnecessarily (he is just now, about six years later, getting "over" being mad at his brother about some stupid thing that neither of them remembers. they haven't reconsiled yet but i'm working on it, after all, it's ridiculous at this point) last night he went into a tirade about my sister being an hour late (she's ALWAYS late - usually it's more like 20-30 minutes though) for dinner at my mom's. i finally had to tell him, baby i love you, but you are a lot harder on other people than yourself sometimes. you have things that we overlook and forgive, and you should overlook and forgive other people. that's what family does. that's what you do when you love someone. i'm sure you've said similar things to your daughter, and no one wants to point out others' faults, but i had to just gently remind my husband that NO ONE is perfect. it gave him something to think about. good luck and i hope this is just a stage!
Hi A.,
Sounds like your daughter needs a good dose of volunteerism. Why not have her sign up to volunteer at a women and children's shelter or a soup kitchen with you once a week on the weekend so that she can realize just how fortunate she is. Maybe if she sees what less fortunate families have to go through on a daily basis, she will think twice before making a complaint about her own life. Good luck!
First off, have you ever stopped to think about if her gripes are legitimate? It may be that she is constantly complaining because nothing ever gets done about it or because she feels like she's not being heard. I know its hard to hear but maybe if she felt like you understood her feelings a bit more instead of just thinking of them as constant complaining, she'd be less apt to complain. I was like that as a child and I was the middle child. I really felt like I was not being heard and my opinions didn't matter and I was just dubbed "the complainer." I do feel like I was very misunderstood. Had my mom taken time to sit down and talk with me about it and encouraged me to find positive solutions, I would have felt so much better. I would have felt understood.
If she's homeschooled with the boys, maybe its just too much of a good thing and they're getting on her nerves from spending too much time with them. Does she get special "girl time" with mom? Maybe you guys can go get a pedicure or go shopping together.
My daughter is also 11. She is going through alot of changes and it can be difficult for her. Believe me, hormones are coming into play as well. Her body is changing, her thoughts are changing. Does she have privacy? Is her 3 year old brother allowed free reign in her room? Maybe she needs mom to be on her side in this one.
I also agree with some of the other moms that this is the age where girlfriends are so important. Make sure she's getting enough girly time! :)
Don't discount hormones and the onset of puberty in this equation. How much calcium is she getting? When my daughter was 13 we doubled her calcium and it did wonders for the peace in our home.
Now I'm menopausal....I'm considering a calcium drip.
I'll never forget a commercial that aired many years ago when I was 12 years old. The guy on the commercial said, "Does your sixth grader have an attitude problem?" and my sister said, "Yes." because I apparently was full of attitude. I am still opinionated, but have learned to deal with this part of my personality and your daughter will too. I have no idea how my mother dealt with it, but I thought I might give you a glimpse at the light at the end of the tunnel and it might help to know that it is probably a common thing for this age if a commercial was made just for it.
I dont know if she is in any kind of Christine counseling at church that might help. Depending on the brothers ages she might be showing resentment for them being boys and not a sister or because se feels an outcast from the two of them.
Have you sat her down and told her how she sounds and ask her point blank about her feelings. Tell her it is unhealthy to feel that way also.
Tell her most girls love having brothers. As she grows up they may grow closer. Stay close to her and keep praying for the family unity. God bless.
I've got one too! She sounds like a carbon copy of my child! My 11 year old is the oldest(she has 7 yr. old and 4 yr. old brothers) and is THE only granddaughter on my husband's side. She's extremely bright and sensible about most things, but being the oldest has made her a bit selfish. We recently moved away from the south and all of her friends and family so that my husband could take a wonderful job in the midwest. She completely understood the benefits for our family to take this step, but she still has trouble managing her frustration about everything being so new and different. I find that when I spend one-on-one quality time with her on a regular basis, she seems to handle things more positively. It also helps if we maintain a schedule of meals, bathing, bedtime, chores, etc. I know from my experience with my nieces, things will probably get much worse before they get better. You pretty much have to grin and bear it through these hormonally challenging years! Hope you find humor and relief! D. S.
Have you looked into getting her into an activity where she can be around other girls? Do you participate in other homeschool activities where she can be with other girls? Girl Scouts at this age is good because they are to the point of being able to decide what and how they are going to do things (there is parent involvement to keep things safe). Peer pressure might help with her being negative also. How about having her list 5 good things that happened to her in a day and 5 "bad" things that happened to her in a day. She can then pick 1 "bad" thing to discuss with you to see if she can overcome it. After it is discussed that list has to be torn up, like it went away. Discuss all the good things she had happen. When the bad list starts dwindling, reward her, paint fingernails together, try a new hairdo, make her favorite dessert, just her and you go do something else together.
Sounds like you already got lots of fresh ideas and advice so I don't have much to add except...iron supplement. When girls begin their period they actually lose iron. A good multi-vitamin couldn't hurt in addition to making sure she's getting a sufficient night's sleep. This may help with the physical changes in addition to the mental/emotional ones. It's challenging to hear that some of this could also just be her evolving personality from pre-teen to teenager to young woman. Just keep praying over her and be open and communicative. I don't know how my Mom did it but we are the best of friends now and she's an awesome Grandma to my four kids (3 girls and 1 boy). Take care!
since your daughter is homeschooled, does she have any outlets for that all-important girlie time??? She is right at the age where peer interaction is sooo important to children. It's how they learn socialization, & more importantly....coping skills & diversified opinions. This is also the age where it sets up lifelong friendships. By homeschooling, she's missing out on that "giggly time" while walking in between classes, the secrets in the hallway....all those outlets that make life fun.
With the ages of your children, she's stuck in the middle. She's got the older sibling & the current baby of the family. Neither age group is "where" she should be in her development. Whom can she confide in & giggle over inanities?
None of this is a slam against you or homeschooling. You've simply identified a problem, & I'm hoping that my words will help you. I also like the thought that hormones are playing into this. Another direction would be: how about getting your daughter into some kind of community service project... volunteering at an animal shelter? It would teach her to look outside of her own sphere while helping others.
Blessings & may Peace be with you.
A.,
Having raised 3 daughters and 2 sons I know that they can be challenging! The thing I would say is start with WHEN does she complain? You didn't say, but is she the only girl? Maybe she feels that she needs some extra attention and complaining is her way of getting your attention. Try setting up times for you and your daughter to do things together without the other children. I know this is not easy, but it may be what your daughter needs.
When she starts complaining ask her what the problem is. Sometimes kids, especially girls feel very insecure at this age. Does she have friends her age that she is close to? I know you said you home school, which is great, but sometimes kids need the social contact more then we realize.
Also, one thing you need to keep in mind at 11 is the physical changes and hormonal changes that are going on with your daughter. Her body is starting to change and for some girls that is not what they want to deal with. Have you talked to her about what to expect? Even if she has not started her period, track when her complainingg is, does she complain more around a certain time of the month? I have a daughter who I would have given away at times! LOL!! She was so irritable, now that she is grown they developed YAZ and it is great, she has her hormone levels where they should be FINALLY!! I am not suggesting birth control for your daughter, just that hormones can really be a HUGE factor at a young age! I did not fully understand that this was my daughters problem, I was frustrated because she was very irritable and grouchy for 2 to 3 weeks out of a month! Now that her hormones are balanced she is not that way. This is something that I would suggest you have checked out as if it is hormones then there are things that can be done to help!
Hope this helps you, good luck! Children are a blessing although at times they test our patience!
I have the same problem with my daughter. She also is 11. Maybe it is just thier age.
