I really don't know how to handle this. My daughter is two years and four months old. My son is three years and 8 months old. Recently my daughter has started biting my son...really hard. Monday she bit him on the face and yesterday on the shoulder. So hard that he still has a mark on his face from Monday and yesterday she nearly broke skin through his shirt. I have been very near by when both instances occured and I don't think that he is antagonizing her in any way or that she is doing it in some sort of self defense. But I don't know how to make her understand that it is really, really bad and that I don't want her to do it anymore. Both times she has gone on 'time-out' in her room by herself while I paid special attention to Michael. And I try to explain that it hurts and it's bad to bite people and that's not how we show people that we love them. And she'll go out and apologize to him and give hime a kiss on his boo-boo. But what do I do if it keeps happening? I want to get her in to pre-school next year and hopefully in to some sort of a play group this summer. But I won't be able to if she bites everyone. No one wants to be friends with a biter. Am I right? Is this just some sort of horrible little phase that will blow over if I don't make a huge deal of it or is this one of those things that I need to make a big deal of? Help!
I would like to thank everyone who offered advice on how to deal with this situation. I really thought that my daughter was in the minority in being a biter but because all of you responded otherwise I am feeling much better about it being normal behavior. Although biting her back is in my opinion punishing violence with violence and not something that I am willing to do, I did receive a lot of advice that I intend on using IF the situation presents itself again. But I am ecstatic to report that it has been almost a week since I posted and Ellie has not bitten anyone! Yay! I really started watching their interactions and I think that she is unable to express to him when she really wants him to leave her alone and that may have been the reason for the biting in the first place. So we are working on teaching her to put her hands up and just say 'no' and so far it's working well. Thank you all for all of your great advice and for taking the time to share it with me.
E. - listen to Heidi's advice - do not bite her back! That does noting but reinforce that it is ok to do, despite the pain! Yikes! It is totally developmentally appropriate and like Heidi said, it is because she is lacking the verbal skills to express what is going on for her in that moment.
Don't fret - it will pass. Again, follow Heidi's advice - she is spot on!
E.,
I've had a lot of experience with biters, and I have found that there are typically two types- the one who has something to say and not the verbal skills to get it out, and the one who simply needs a lot of sensory stimulation. Does Ellie have a lot of words to express herself? Even still, when she is frustrated, does she have a hard time getting her needs met (i.e. "that's MY toy" or "I need more space"). Sometimes toddlers need us to help them figure out when they need to be alone- but they can't tell us that! You could introduce sign language to help her out- it wouldn't replace her current vocabulary, but it could help her when she can't think of the words (she could wave byebye long before she could speak, right? so signs are easy.)
The sensory tot could have been the baby who put absolutely everything in her mouth, loved to feel different textures, trying loud noises and soft, etc. Try offering her a variety of things that stimulate her senses each day- KoolAid playdough (bright, smells good, feels great!- email me if you want the recipe!), paints, music, crunchy foods, etc. Watch for overstimulation, though, and respond to her cues.
Since she's only bitten twice, check to see if she's teething (2 yo molars) and give her appropriate things to bite ("We don't bite people! We bite apples (or this chew toy)") BTW- you're doing a great job having her help you tend to Michael, but maybe instead of putting her in time out, try having her stay with you as you tend to him. She will see the full process of soothing him and tending his "wound". At her age, she doesn't have the capacity to stay in time out thinking about what she did, so keeping her with you shows her what you want her to think about- that Michael is hurt and that she did it. Use words like "Ellie bit you! That hurts, doesn't it?" You're not trying to shame her, just to show her that when she bit, she hurt her brother (which she doesn't quite understand- she knows she got a big reaction, but not how much it hurt him). Tell Ellie you didn't like that!" coming from Michael that biting hurts helps reinforce it- "Don't bite me, Ellie! That hurts me! Use your words!" And of course, it helps to know WHY she bit so you can give her the words she needs for that situation. Good luck! Biting, although unpleasant and scary, is very common. And a good playgroup facilitator would be happy to help you through this phase, and preschool will help further. Don't panic!
Please do not bite her back because this will just teach her that it is okay to hurt someone back that has hurt her in the future. I am the mother of two and both of my children went through the "biting" stage at 2 y.o. I am also working on my Master's degree in counseling...with a specialization in children. It is very normal for a child to go through this stage...the important thing is for you to let her know that what she did was wrong and that she hurt her brother.
At two years old the punishment should fit the developemental stage she is in. Time out should only be for 2 minutes. You shouldn't take anything away for a whole day, because she will forget after a little while what she was being punished for. The important thing is to really "shadow" her. Keep an eye on what she is doing and try prevent her from biting her brother before it happens. This is something we did with my daughter, and as difficult as it was...it really worked.
She will outgrow this phase soon enough, but at your next pediatricians appointment you should mention it and see what he suggests. If she continues to bite and you do not have an upcoming appointment...call and make one.
Dear E.,
I feel you are doing the right thing and it will pass. Be firm and strong with the time out and punishment (maybe take away a favorite toy or something for the rest of the day) the next time, but hopefully there wont be a next time.
My son bit me on the sholder when he was almost two and I know the pain. He's 10 now.
Hi E.. After reading your story my heart goes out to you because it's very clear this is really bothering you. I had a friend whos son bit everyone if he got a chance, and it was very hard for my her to get him to stop. But he did. Really think about why you think shes doing it. Could be for attention, or simply because she wanted something and didnt get it. No matter the reason its wrong though, and i advice talking to her first, to see why at least, so you can better deal with preventing it. In the end though my friend had to made her son's punishment very harsh, he had to go to time out, lost his favorite toy, and activity for the day. And it's a punishment they both (mother and son) had to go through, because she had to be firm all day, and she had to give him other options with what to do for the day. But everytime he whinned, or even when he asked 'nicely' for the item or activity he lost, she reminded him of what he did, and showed him that it hurts long after he bites, so he eventually learned that it will hurt him too, by not getting his way. It took a few times for the point to get across clearly, but dont give in. And always talk to her, explaining why she's getting the 'cold treatment' for the day. Ignoring her may only fuel the feeling and make her act out more! Good Luck, and I hope i was able to help in some way!
xoxoxo G.
Hi E.!
I worked with 2 year olds for a long time. Biting is a phase that some of them go through. However, excessive biting can become a bit of a problem. It sounds like you are doing everything right with the extra special attention and all. I would take it a step further and have her do the first aid for her brother (wash, and apply ice).
One thing that I found helpful is to write down when she is biting. Is it before nap? snack time? some children bite during transition periods between activities so knowing what triggers her biting can be really helpful.
Something that helped some of the other biters was re-introducing a pacifier or bottle (i know it sucks but biting is dangerous especially if they are breaking the skin)
Also I had one incident where a child was biting ALL the time. turns out that he had a sensory deprivation issue and when someone was in his personal space he bit.
Just keep re-inforcing the nice touches and use of words and it will all work out.
Don't forget to let us know what happened!
H.
I completely know where you are coming from. My twins were biters. They bit each other, me, and everyone else that happened to be around when they felt the need to bite! They did grow out of it pretty quickly thank goodness but until they did I kept stressing how it was not acceptable. I did however give them an alternative object to bite instead of people. What worked best for them was a washcloth fastened to a beltloop or like a bracelet on their wrist. I think they just did not know how to express emotions that they had any other way, they bit when they were angry, very happy, frustrated etc. any strong emotion. I don't know if this applies to your daughter, but I hope it helps, at the very least she'll learn not to bite poeple :-)
I was a preschool teacher for over 15 yrs. and my experience has been that 2 yr. olds can go through a biting stage and yes, it is horrible. There could be some bizarre reason or no reason at all why they bite. Which makes it hard for you to "deal" with the actual act. Try Supernanny's book, Nanny Jo from tv. It's supposed to be really good. Good luck. My daughter is 15 mths, and very spirited, so I'm sure I'll be dealing with the same thing really soon. : }
You could always bite her back. Seriously, my brother (2 years or so) bit my mother's upper leg when she was doing dishes and she turned around and bit him back. He is 30 years old now and doing fine! We laugh when we bring it up!
Anyways, he never did it again... and guaranteed my mother wasn't antagonizing him while she was doing dishes :)
Good luck,
T.
This may seem harsh but it worked for me. My son would not stop biting so I bit his finger (not very hard) enough so that he knew what it felt like. He never bit again. I was at my wits end and that is what I was driven to do. I only did it once and it worked.
Hi E.
Biting is age appropriate at this age. She's still learning to talk and express herself. It could be that she's defending herself, or that she wants her brother's toy. I would continue with the time outs, maybe offer her something that is appropriate to bite, like a teething ring or apple. At the daycare I worked at, we taught the 1 and 2 year olds to stamp their foot and say "I don't like that". The 1 y.o. wouldn't have the words yet, but the action of stamping the foot gave them a way to communicate if another child tried to hurt them.
Anyway, good luck.
J.
I know this sounds mean but they do learn when my daughter starting biting after trying the time-out deal I couldn't take it anymore I bit her back in the arm she is now almost 4 and she has never bitten anyone again since that day.
I am a new mom, so I don't have any "real" advice, but do you think your daughter could be trying to get your attention. Is she getting enough one-on-one mommy time? Just a thought. Best of luck.
L.
Your daughter needs to know what it feels like to be bitten. Think about doing it to her after she does it to her brother and ask her how she likes it. It worked on my sons.
