My Daughter Lies All the Times

The first thing you have to do is find out why she is lying, until you know the cause, it's impossible to battle.

The best thing that worked with us it to reward the truths!!! Life is an ongoing road of choices with consequences for ANY decission. If one goes to work you get paid, if you work well you should advance and get paid better. If one does school work and studies hard they pass or excell. If one lies that is also a choice. It creates trust issues, stresses family, and upsets friendships. Some of the little things I would have to let go as embellishments of the actual truth. At 13...she is trying to come into her own. She may not percieve everything the same as you do. The larger issuses would then have impacting consequences (loss off home/cell phone, grounding over the weekend, tv removed from bedroom, computer privledges taken away) whatever you have to use as leverage. Keep in mind that establishing hard core rules around telling the truth will empower trust and may be difficult, at first. Harmony is great... but sometimes as a parent we have to fight for and with our children to give them the power to become all that they are capable of being! If you nip this now, the teen years will be much more pleasant and rewarding for both of you.

I have a 19 year old girl, 16 year old son and a 12 year old daughter...I have been teaching 6-8 graders for several years now. I have been where you are, it gets better! Try to enjoy your daughter as much as you can. The next 5 years are the basis for who she will become, her foundation for the woman she has yet to disover within herself. It can be an amazing journey for both of you! God Bless!

Hi J.,

Ah, such a fun age! (not!). I have 2 daughters also. They are now 17 and 21. The 21 year old used to do the same thing when she was your daughters age. I would find things missing from the cupboards, a bag of chocolate chips I had bought to make cookies for example, and the empty bag would be found in her bookbag or in her room - yet she would still deny she had ever touched the bag. There were little lies - like my example - and bigger lies like saying she was going to one friends house and going somewhere else. We decided to "choose our battles". As many other people have talked about we let her know we loved her and were always there for her but we also explained that our job as parents was to keep her safe and to do that meant losing priveledges - like going to a friend's house - if we couldn't trust her. We ignored the little unimportant things but always stayed firm on the important issues. Things weren't always calm and peaceful and she did tell us at least once that she hated us. However, she is 21 and about to graduate college and she tells me all the time now that we did the right thing when she was little. She gives us advice all the time on how to handle her sister and assures us that one day our 17 year old will see the wisdom in how we raised them.

Good luck! Don't give in - things may not always be peaceful and harmonious but your children will be safe and someday they will thank you.

Hi, J..

Talk to your daughter so that she can understand that you are here for her; and that she can come to you for anything, no matter what she thinks your reaction maybe. She may be going through changes that every girl goes through at 13(during puberty). Have you two made time for one another, just you and her?

I don't know if you are a true Christian or not, but one thing for sure you need help. My Grandaughter lies about alot of things and she is 18. She is learning the hard way it does not to lie. She need help and the only way I help her is for her to tell the truth. When in school we took her priviledges away and would not return them until she proved it was the truth. All I know is to ask God to help you with this situation. Tht's what we are doing. Read Psalms 1:1 and trust God, you have no way of knowing if what she says is the truth or not. I have to get my prayer life back in order also. Just Teach your 4 yr old the rewards of being honest.

Hi,
Like many others I've built my 14 year old son's foundation on the word of God. As stated in the scriptures, our role is to "train up a child in the way that he should go and when they're old they will not depart from it".
Fortunately, my son doesn't lie on every little thing but when he does and he's caught, I do remind him of his foundation and that God is not pleased with liars. All we can do is give them a strong foundation knowing that at some point, they'll do their own thing (didn't we all :o)
Open communication and strong foundation makes all the difference in the world (most of the time)

About me: Single mom of a 14 year old boy

Hi J.,

It's going to be ok. Take a deep breath. My daughter is the same age and after meeting a new group of friends she began to act the same way. She started lying about where she was and who she was with. She forged my signature on a test that she received a B on. My daughter, like yours is a good girl, she just got caught up with the wrong crowd. I also tried everything. Talking, pleading, grounding, Nothing Worked!! I was at my wits end. Finally, I broke down and asked her "What is wrong? How Can I help you?" I told her that I was scared that she was going down a path that would lead her to death. When she saw how distraught I was and that I really wanted to listen to her without interupting her she finally told me what was going on. She was making bad choices because she was allowing herself to be influenced by these new "friends".
Please, Please,Please talk to you daughter now because my daughter told me that she was planning on running away and that she had even tried to harm herself. She felt like she had done so much dirt that she could never be clean again. This made me realize that I needed to change the way I related to my daughter. I needed to listen to her more and stop putting most of my focus on her making all A's and allow her to have a little more freedom so she wouldn't feel the need to lie to me just to spend more time with friends.
I also explained to her that nothing she did would ever make me or God stop loving her. And me and my friends did a lot of praying. Everytime I thought about my baby I prayed for God to protect her. I encouraged her to drop those new "friends" which she fought, but then I started to pray for God to show her that these girls were not friends. And he did, but she had to experience that pain for herself.
She is doing awesome now. She got her first B on her report card. I didn't like it, but I have my daughter and that's what matters. We still clash over things, but I listen to her and think before I say No. I also explaing why I said No. And I let her have supervised "freedom" (staying late to talk to friends after school). I have found that these little glimpses of independence are good for her and our relationship. Just pray, listen and continue to love her. It's this age, she's trying to find her place in this world.

HI J.,
The thing about "harmony" and "peace" is that it comes from your kids WHEN you teach and train them up properly...which is a full time job....daily! I have five myself and I have dealt with "honesty" and "lieing"....and its a stinker...but it becomes easy when you "lay down the law" and that is.....no lieing and if you do, your privileges are GONE! to where, you will only have a bed and plain (ugly) clothes and no makeup or a pony tail..if THAT is what it takes to make you understand how lieing is wrong and it will get you NO WHERE and in a worlf of hurt! and dont fall for their emotional please and "just trust me"....you can't until they demonstrate it and EARN your trust. it was freely given until you lost it by being dishonest...so your choice..change to be honest and forthright...or deal with the consequences! period! that is what parents do....when you see a problem, you handle it...and they suffer until they chose to change! now, that works!! you just have to find their button and make them demonstrate it...my mom did it to me....they'll be okay!

Welcome to 13 and trying to fit in and trying to be who she thinks others want her to be! My sister did this a lot when we were young (around 13-14y). When my mother punished her for it, it only got worse and worse until it really damaged their relationship and they are still not very close at all. That's not to say that the right kind of discipline won't be very effective.
It seems that your daughter believes that the truth is either not as exciting or will get her into a lot of trouble meaning that she may be leading down an undesirable path. A third option is that she is trying to get your attention.
You say you are a very hard worker, does this mean that your children make a lot of sacrifices because you work a lot? Being a hard worker is admirable, but your first priority should be spending quality and quantity time with your kids. At 13, your daughter is going through a lot of peer pressures and may be a bit confused in how she feels about life. It is a very fragile time and she needs to know that you understand her and can see why she may want to lie about things, but that it will only lead to sorrow in her life. She may need more time with you just listening and not explaining or preaching to her. She may just want you to be ok with who she is with all of her imperfections. The more time you spend with her, the less need she will have to lie to you, because you will be involved in her life.
Your daughter may need to be heard instead of being talked to as much. You definately can't go wrong. Let her know that you are on her team and that you want to trust her, but she has got to be honest always, and you will try to listen to her and understand, no matter what truth she tells you.
Also, you can set goals together to achieve. Ex: No lies for a week-go to the movies together...etc.
Take Care,
T.
Mother of 4, ages 20y-11m

This unfortunatley is quite common. I taught Junior high for 10 years...kids lie. They are testing their boundaries. Seeing what they can do, say and get away with. What may not have worked yesterday may work tomorrow, don't give up.

Now You didn't give any more detail than "she lies about any little thing" so I am not sure how serious it is. Does she leave the milk on the table and say she didn't, or does she say she is spending the night at a girlfriends and go to a party instead?

I got an email once that said: all things in perspective. Here is what it said:

Dear Mom,
College is great! You were right, I am too young to have a boyfriend. There are so many boys here who would want just one!!!

Classes are great. No one takes attendance. There are often 200 kids in the class and the prof doesn't even know if you are there or not. Sweet!

You were right about the location of the school too... perfect! Everything I need is right here, the bar, the tattoo parlor (they said I will need 8 weeks to complete the artwork), and the "dance club". I met the owner of the club, Mom, he said I could work there friday and saturday nights and earn enough money to pay off my college tuition, you will be so proud of me! You don't need to send money any more!

Oh mom, don't worry, I have not been dating all the boys, I attend all my classes, the tattoo, the dance club all that isn't true, but I did get a D in first semester Trig.

Love, your daughter

See. it's all aobut perspective.

B.
www.HeyYouGetReal.com

Hey Julie,

It sounds like you are a great mom. I don’t have teenagers yet and both my daughters are still very young. But I will sadly admit I remember going thru that same phase your daughter is now going thru. It may be completely different but here is a little about my story… I did it to get attention. (I am in no way making excuses for lying or blaming my mom.)My mom seemed like she was too busy for me. At that time I didn’t know what it was like being a grown up with responsibilities and working to put food on the table. My mom was a good mom and did the best she could. But my mom really didn’t follow up with my “stories”. So if I knew I was doing something she wouldn’t approve of, even if it was little and stupid (like another person said earlier I would leave the milk out), I would lie and I knew I would get away with it most of the time. Like I said before, at the time for me personally, it was a cry out for attention even if it was negative attention. Luckily I have definitely grown up and I thank God for His forgiveness.

There is a really good book that might help also. It’s called The Five Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman. Not sure if that helps. I hope it does.

Give her tough love. If you are in your Bible thatwill explain tough love. My daughter lies to me all the time to. I had to give her over to God and just pray that whatever it takes Lord to straigthen her up.

J.,
that is a tough one, but know that it is unfortunately a common one. It is very important that you work hard on the lying and trust now becuase its so very vital later on.
I'm a fairly new member so I don't know if we can talk about religion but I truly recommend that you get involved in your church. Truth and trust are such a spiritual Godly teaching. My daughters have said that they get a bad feeling in their stomach when they lie. We have had to really work on it, but one of the ways we did is to tell teach them that even if we don't see them God does and they are disappointing Him.
I love the Keys for Kids books. If your 13 yr old is really mature you may have to look for some teen ones. Chicken Soup books have been quite good too. Its not to early to really work with your 4 yr old. We used the Berernstain Bear Books for a lot of our teaching when they were young.
Oh one more thing..Let her know that the punishment will always be more harsh if you find out she was lying down the road. If she does something she should have done, but tells the trust have her set her own punishment.

Hi Julie I am a mother of two boys one soon to be 31 and the other 27 yrears old I was a single parent until they were Grown and I dealt with this a lot from the 27 yr. old I got Him involved in participating in the church and that madea big difference so involve her in something where she is making a contribution to the community this way She is important it's for attention That's all R./Apopka

When she is at school,

I would take everything out of her room and I would leave only the bed, pillow, sheets, and blanket. I would take everything that she loved away. No COMPUTER, PHONE, CELL PHONE or GAMES and so on. NO TIME WITH FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL. NOTHING!!!!

Her life would be like this until she decided to start telling the truth.

I would ask her if she would like it if I lied to her all of the time and how would she feel if I did.

Remember ~ you are her MOTHER not her FRIEND and you need to make sure that she can be the best young lady that she can be and that lying will not be allowed any longer. She has gotten away with this way to long. Enough is enough.

Pray for her.

If she will not stop lying, keep doing all of this and take away the TV and put it in your room and let the 4 year old and yourself watch TV, but not her.

Be FIRM, you are the MOTHER and you can do this....