My Daughter's Bff's Mom Seemingly Wants to Separate Girls and Has Become Unkind

From my own personal experience growing up, you're never going to get anywhere with these people by playing nice. When I was in elementary school I was good friends with a girl down the road who was in the same grade as me. I came from an average middle class family and her family owned a business and her dad was a lawyer, very wealthy. We got a long great but I was not good enough for her mom. Her mom made it impossible to be friends with her. I watched her mom over the years place her daughter in situations and around certain kids to make her daughter look good. I really think that your daughter was good enough to be her daughters friend until your daughter became a threat in some way. Who knows what changed to make it like this, it could have just been some small comment another parent or maybe a family member made to her about your daughter that just rubbed her the wrong way. Its nothing you guys did, its just them. They are the a-typical mother/daughter of this day and age they are fine until they feel threatened by you. This bully offers an opportunity to this mom. The bully makes her daughter look like a saint and it keeps the bully from picking on her daughter. I think you have nobly tried to do the right thing in this situation but I think it is time to stop. You need to stand up to this this lady and you need to encourage your daughter to stand up for herself. There is a time and place for everything and I don't agree with going off and cussing people out but there is a diplomatic way to do so. Stop trying to salvage the relationship and just move on. Take it from me my mom always pushed me to be the good girl, turn the other cheek, respect everyone etc. I think she was too extreme because I had a lot of anxiety problems growing up from what I put up with, with classmates. Anxiety is awful!! Don't let your daughter grow up with problems. Just because you stand up for yourself it doesn't make you a bad person, even if you have to let them have it a little bit! I know I don't know the people and the exact circumstances but from what you wrote I think you've done all you can, you need to just let it go and move forward and stop trying to be their friend still. Good luck and I will say a prayer for you and your daughter (and for the meanies too) :)

I'm sorry, forgive me for being blunt, but I just don't understand why you would want to continue to be friends with these people. If this mother is supposed to be your friend, why would she be anything but kind and gracious to your daughter? And if you are supposed to all be friends, why can't you have a discussion with her and try to get these things out in the open?

Your daughter needs you to back her up and be her "soft place to land" - she will find out soon enough how hard the real world can be, sounds like she is finding that out already, she needs to know you will always be there to support her, even when you know she was wrong or you think she should have done something differently. Your daughter wants so badly to be friends with this one other girl, and it seems like you want to continue the friendship with her mother as well, and yet at the same time, you are trying to teach your daughter how to have enough self-respect to stand up for herself while you continue to allow this other mother to treat you and your daughter poorly. What are you hoping to gain by being friends with them? And why can't you just withdraw the invitation for the vacation together? If this is how they are going to treat you, why would you want to keep hanging around them? The other girl's mom has already shown how manipulative she can be, why should you and your daughter be seeking her approval?

I have many, many good friends that I know are true friends - they don't play games and they don't go behind my back. If this is how someone feels is okay to treat you, they are not a real friend. I think it is time to let these "friends" go.

I teach my kids that friends are people that they feel good about being around, people who treat them well and who are there for them and who they would be there for in return. There are real friends and people who you know and may talk to and play with sometimes but they are not the people that will be there for you. My 9 year old daughter understands this - as she had a friend who treated her badly, but she desparately wanted to be friends with this girl anyway. I did not want my daughter to gravel for someones friendship, I taught her to distance herself and make other friends, I taught her that it wasn't her, it was the other girl who wasn't the good friend. My daughter now has other good friends who treat her well and the little girl in question sometimes sits with my daughter on the bus and we see her sometimes but it is no big deal if we do or don't. In fact, now that my daughter does not "chase" the friendship the girl seems to want to play with her more, but my daughter is too busy playing with friends that treat her well!

Like you, I was friends with the girls mother, we are neighbors, Our families went camping together, etc...I tried talking to the other mother, it didn't work. I just distanced ourselves because I did not want to beg for a friendship and certainly did not want my daughter to beg for someones friendship or to appear needy. Guess what that other mother calls me once in awhile, we walk together sometimes, sometimes work on a school project together, but that is it!

My point you can distance yourself without being mean, just make boundaries and make yourself unavailable. Stay true to yourself and teach your daughter to feel good about herself and that she deserves friends that treat her well and to play with kids that make her feel good about herself!

This other mother sounds like a social climber with an agenda known only to herself. What ever her criteria for friends for her daughter are, the winds could change and she might want to be friendly again.
The question is, would/should you take her back? I wouldn't. Be cordial but distant. Minimize contact, and once this vacation is over, don't make vacation plans to be together again.
In the mean time, you and your daughter should sign up for some taekwondo. It's a great way to meet people, and I've seen several children/parents who take classes together. It builds self confidence and you learn to stand up for yourself.
It would do a world of good for both of you.

I feel for you and your daughter. I would stop calling them, you do not need to put more effort into people who are unkind. Be cordial, I wouldn't even have a big discussion, but I would definitely create a little healthy distance between your family and theirs. Point your daughter in the direction of a few activities away from this girl, and ecourage her to invite a few nicer girls for playdates. Tell your daughter that sometimes people grow apart. If spending time with this girl is continually more misery than fun, she has the power to choose to surround herself with other people. Honestly, if you witnessed the Mom be unkind to your daughter, I would find a way to get out of vacationing together.

I agree with Kristel. Somehow your daughter or you threatened this woman. It could be that she knws how respectful your daughter is and sees her getting awards and hers is not. It could be that someone said something very nice about you or your daughter and she feels some credit is due her way. Whatever she is playing games with both of you.
Tell your daughter there are other fish in the sea, so to speak, and encourage other friendships. Start inviting other little girls over. Do not invite the one who is being manipulated to be mean to your child.
Entoll her into Girl Scouts or a Tae Kwon Do class or something she can do that will give her confidence. Maybe swimming lessons at the Y.
This breaks my heart for your daughter, but some people are just plastic and it's a hard lesson to learn.

You are mom and you can guide her, there is nothing wrong with that. My adult daughter comes home all the time with hurt feelings from work and tells me someone may have said something out of line to her. I sometimes give her feedback from both sides, as I am able to listen and take a different view as I take a step back. Of course, I never call her friends and persuade them here nor there, it is all done one sided.

As for the mom who would accept her apology, I would let your daughter know, there will be people like that and encourage her to not let that hurt her feelings. I believe that is a problem within that person and your daughter did the right thing.

Maybe while on vacation together the opportunity will present itself that you can all have a discussion. What do the fathers think or are they staying out of this. If you all get to talk then prayerfully that will clear the air. you will know whether to hold on or cut your ties. Children need to learn that som people can be toxic in their life and they need to let go so that they don't get infected with the toxic stuff. Sit and talk with your daughter and tell her that she will have many people that will come into her life, not all are friends. If this girl was really her best friend she could never have become friends with someone that hurt her best friend. Some people are only ment to be in our life for a season and maybe that season has come to an end. This is a hard lesson for an 8 year old but she needs to learn this because she needs to figure out who is a friend and who is and aquantance, especially before HS.