Or more accurately, she was about 7 weeks pregnant and found out today that the fetus is not viable. She texted me this morning to let me know but she was at the hospital and would talk to me later. I feel awful and texted her back to let her know how sorry I was and if there was anything I could do to help. Haven't heard back from her yet (I don't expect to) and we are just giving them their privacy and time and space they need to deal with this. She had a miscarriage before (about 3 years ago) and this pregnancy came as complete surprise, but they were very happy and she was convinced she was having a boy, had a name picked out and everything (we both have 4 year old daughters).
I know this comes up on here quite often, but any words of advice? Anything I can say to her or do for her, or maybe more importantly, what I should NOT say? Thank you. I know that I am not looking to get pregnant again either, but if I did, and then had a miscarriage, I would be devastated.
Thanks for everyone's advice. Right now I am just going to give them the time and space they need to process this, and I am also thinking of sending them an Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet, just to show I am thinking of them, and hopefully try to cheer them up a little. Thank you again, and I am sorry to anyone who has been through this themselves - I can't imagine what that must be like.
Don't say:
It's for the best
You can try again
Call me if you want to talk
I know how you feel (if you don't!)
There was probably something wrong with the baby
It's God's way...
Do say:
I'm sorry
What can I do?
I'm here if you need me
I'm bringing you soup, dinner, brownies in 10 minutes. I can't stay, I'm just dropping it off. :)
Just offer to be there if she needs an ear or shoulder. Keep checking in on her until she is ready to have company, so that she knows you are thinking of her but giving her space if she needs it. Take a meal or two that can go in the freezer, so dinner can be heat and serve. If you do a card, do "thinking of you" not sympathy.
Not really. Even an early one can knock you down and she just needs you to be her friend. Take her lead. Since she texted you, follow up if you don't hear from her in a couple of days. Maybe offer to take her DD for a playdate if that would help.
As a W. who has lost 3 babies (12, 22 and 14 weeks) - just be there for her. Let her talk. Don't say things like "you can try again" " it was meant to be" "it's better this way" or "good thing it happened now" (yeah - someone said that to me when I lost our 1st baby at 12 weeks).
Just tell her you are sorry and you are there for her. I'm sorry for her loss.
Oh, I am so sorry for your friend. What a precious friend you must be to her. I have had 2 miscarriages this past year. So hard. I was about the same place in my pregnancy as your friend. Just let her know you are sorry, and that you love her. Be free with hugs, if she likes hugs. Bring her a meal for her family. Offer to take her other children/daughter for a few hours. Grieve with her. In a week or two, ask her how she is doing. Encourage her that this pregnancy wasn't for nothing. She birthed a living soul for all eternity. What a wonderful thing for a woman to be able to do. Incredible, really. If you have an opportunity, encourage her to keep the name for the baby. I find that having names for my babies that have died is so helpful. They are real babies, just smaller than most.
Blessings to you as you minister to your friend.
