My Good Friend Just Lost Her Baby Girl. What Can I Say to Comfort Her?

I don't know how far along she was. I lost Alexis at 22 weeks. We did NOT have a funeral for her. I understand her excitement - we had two boys as well...

You just tell her you are there for her. Tell her she can call you anytime - night or day....please do NOT say "It's for the best"...

there will be many things she will be going through - she will be mad, she will want to cry...so many things....

I got upset when someone sent me flowers - they died...man - another thing that died!! My son, Greg, (he was 4 when we lost her) planted a tree out back in her honor...it's now over 7' tall.

My heart goes out to her.

Comfort is not easy to give. The best thing you can do, I think, is to be there. Help with practical things - meals, help with laundry, taking her boys so she can have some time for herself - rather than words. And keep helping later on, when other people have - well, not forgotten, but gone back to their own concerns.

When I had my stillborn son at 25 weeks. It was really devastating and honestly I didnt want anyone to say anything. I was ok with, questions like how are you, or we are hear for you, just call us anytime. Some of my family and friends came to give meals. I didnt have any other children at the time. Just me and my husband. So they fed him and talked to him but I basically laid in bed, not talking for about 3 weeks. I didnt have a funeral for him because I knew for some time that he was dead from ultra sounds before. I didnt think I could handle any more than that... Sorry got cut off due to power out.

I lost a baby at almost 7 months pregnant. I know how she feels.

Go to Mend.org. It is a great resource for what to say and what not to say to grieving parents.

Ask her how you can help her. Call her often, even if you tell her to call you when she needs it, and let her talk if she feels like it. Don't do all the talking, in other words. And be prepared for up and down emotions. One day she'll be fine and the next day she'll bit people's heads off. Put your thick skin on when you talk to her but just let her know you are a faithful friend.

Invite her to come with you to the grocery store, so she doesn't have to go alone the first few times, if she goes with you. Just call her up and say "I'm going to the store in an hour to grab a few things, would you like to come with me? I can pick you up".

Offer to drive her to the cemetary in the next few months. You can bring some flowers wrapped in pretty pink ribbon so she can leave something at the grave during those visits.

B/c I've been through this, I have confidence to ask other mothers after time has passed if they've thought about their baby that day. The mothers I've asked always seem to appreciate me asking this.

Find out her due date and remember her on that day by checking in on her or doing somethign special to remember her baby. Also mark your calendar for the baby's birthday aka the day she died.

My thoughts are with your friend.

Saying anything could be bad as it could be interpreted the wrong way or just make her feel worse. I'd avoid words, just to be safe, and like others have already suggested, just BE THERE. Listen. If she's a hugger, then hug. Bring meals, send a card that says something like "I love you" or "I'm here for you"...but I would definitely avoid saying things like, "You'll get over it soon" or "it's probably for the better" or "she probably had a defect" or ANYthing along those lines. Since she's a good friend, it would probably be safe to say, "Do you want to talk about it?" but definitely don't give advice. Just love. :) Good luck.

I'm sorry for your friend. I lost twins at 7.5 months, and truthfully, I don't know that there is anything you can say to comfort her, just let her know you are there for her whenever she may need you, listen, help in any way you can with meals, babysitting, shopping, etc.

She more than likely IS in shock, and needs time to process what has happened. You being there as support will mean the world to her.

I am so sorry for your friend. There really isn't anything you can say other then 'I'm here, what can I do?'

I would say keep in contact and go to her house and help. She will go through post partum depression and greiving at the same time. She may need help keeping everthing together for a few months. The days will all string together and she may forget to do laundry or grocery shop. She may also want to hide at home to prevent questions. The cashier at the grocery store probably knew she was pregnant and when she see's her would say 'oh you had your baby.....' Then your friend will have to explain and start to cry and hold up the line it could get really messy. So she may avoid as much as she can.
By simply going over and taking her boys out to the park and maybe tossing in a load of laundry for her and stopping at the store for milk and bread and other staples, tells her I'm here.
She may also need help packing up the baby things or making returns.
She may not be able to talk about losing the baby for months. She will when she is ready.

I've not been through it for an infant. However, my daughter's best friend when she was 4 died unexpectedly.

It was extrememly difficult because we are friends with this family to this day and we don't look at each other without thinking about Haley. I know everytime they see my daughter, they see Haley and how tall she'd be, etc now at almost 17.

We just communicated a lot be being there, no words, just listen. It is a very difficult thing to go through, especially this time of year.

Bless you for being a good friend to her.

Having just lost a baby in similar circumstances let me offer this.

The best thing is not to say anything at all. Words get messy. Let her know you are there for her, Give her a hug, let her guide the conversation, Give her a little special keepsake to remember the baby by, (I recieved two a special heart that was two in one, the babies heart that would fit perfectly into the moms heart. It showed the hole left by the loss, and a little stuffed lamb that is great to snuggle with when i need that extra hug and no one is around.) Call and check in on her in the months to come especially the due date. You might even plan sonething for her close to that date and if there was a shower planned you might get her out of the house on that day. The milestones that you were supposed to have are hard.

She is in shock. And there isn't anything you can say. In fact, sometimes the more you say, the more frustrated she would be. I lost babies, and the more people offered platitudes or told their miscarriage stories, the more frustrated and angry I got. Just give her a hug, tell her that you're so sorry that this happened, and that you're there if she needs anything. Let her initiate anything further.

Tell her you love her and that you are here for her. Be a good listener. When something happens we always want a "why". That is a question for the doctors to answer if they can, not her friends. There a lot of things people say that really are not helpful but they don't mean to be hurtful. This is hard for all involved because everyone wants to make things better. Just make her feel loved.

I'm probably very late on this, but after a pregnancy loss I knew there was nothing anyone could say to comfort me. Accept that the point of your interactions with her aren't to comfort her. Recognizing her pain and experience and her daughter will mean a lot to her. Showing her empathy will mean a lot. But don't make your goal be "to comfort" her.

Offer to watch her boys for her or help her around the house, especially while her body heals. She might not feel like eating but her children will. Maybe bring over some child-friendly foods and snacks.

My sister had one die at 8 months, just a few weeks before the expected birth. A boy, he basically starved to death due to some complication of the placenta not working right. It was devastating. She felt it was her fault. They had a funeral and a burial everything for him.

Then she got pregnant with twin boys. She is tiny, she got down to 70/80 something pounds when she had her gall bladder out and nearly died. She is barely 5 ft. The docs said they just started falling out due to her size. I don't know if that would have happened nowadays with all the advances in medicine but it was such a shock back then that her size would be such a big factor. They cremated the babies in the hospital right then. They said they were not developed enough for a funeral and just incinerated them. I was still pretty young at the time but I know it was hard on her.

Then she got pregnant with her daughter. She went to the doc every couple of days through the whole pregnancy. She had to have shots in her abdomen, had to take all kinds of meds, etc...she carried this girl and she is her only child.

These babies deaths made her life even harder when she had her daughter. My sister had anxiety when her baby slept, when she got sick, just about every little thing would cause my sister to stress out and she became very much over protective. There will be long lasting effects that will take time to show. Be there for her, listen, and be supportive. She may have urges to get rid of everything baby related and then be terribly upset she did it. Rash decisions can destroy her right now. If she does want to do this you might take the items and just hold them for her if you have room. She may be good to go and not ever want to see them too.

One of my friends DS and DIL lost their 2nd child to SIDS at 5 weeks. The DIL came to my friend and cried for hours on her shoulder. She begged her to not make her feel bad for not wanting to have any more grand-kids for her, she didn't think she could go through that ever again. She got pregnant again accidentally a few months later and had to be talked out of an abortion. She had twins that are around 10 now. She finally made it through but it was very hard.

I'm so sorry for her and the families loss. The only suggestion is to be there for her. There will be many emotions ups and downs so she will need a strong caring friend.

Just tell her that you are sorry & that you love her. She probably doesn't want to hear "Things happen for a reason", "Well, at least you have your boys" or "You can/could have another baby in time" no matter how well intentioned the thought behind those kind of statements are.
I would also continue to pray for her through out the year.

I had two previous miscarriages before my current pregnancy and just knowing that my friends cared was enough for me.

After the first miscarriage I was VERY spiteful. I actually didn't like hearing people say "I am so sorry, I understand how you must feel" Well no. If you've never had a miscarriage how could you understand. And so that was the last thing I wanted to hear or be around people who said that because they didn't understand.

After the second miscarriage-I was better prepared. I also knew I lost the baby before my doctors did so I had time to accept that. But still I didn't want people's pity, I just wanetd things to go back to how they were.

So my advice is just be there for her in any way that you can. Don't try to tell her that you understand but be there as a friend. Maybe make plans after all of this for a girls night out, something to cheer her up.