My Husbad Refuses to Get a Job!

He needs counseling. He needs to quit blaming you for things if you are going to be able to move on. And he needs to get a darn job, b/c money problems make no one's marriage stronger! If he's going to continue free loading and expect you to pick up all the slack and take all the blame for everything? I would consider leaving him.

M.:

CONGRATULATIONS!!! On being cancer free AND clean and sober! One alone is not an easy feat - but both together is INCREDIBLE!!!

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this with your husband. The stress must be VERY high. I'm going to play both sides of the coin here....

It's POSSIBLE that your husband is suffering from depression and hiding his head in the sand by volunteering and coaching Little League is a way for him to escape.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! You MUST sit him down and talk with him about this. It's not going to be an easy conversation - as it's easy to say "YOU" make me feel...then he gets defensive and stops listening to you.

1. Write down your list of expectations - not only for your life - but for your marriage. If you want to, state HOW you plan to accomplish these items - it will show him you've thought about this.

2. Write down what you want to say to him about how YOU feel. I am HURT, I am ANGRY, I AM DISAPPOINTED, I am sorry - bottom line? It's time to forgive and forget, ESPECIALLY if HE expects to stay married to YOU (the vows were for better or worse, yes?) Now, you've experienced the in sickness, the worse - now make it better. And it takes TWO to make a relationship work.

3. Tell him how YOU are resenting him for NOT LETTING GO - it's the past - you CANNOT change it. You have learned from it and will do your best not to repeat it - but YOU CANNOT live like this.

This isn't about money. I know it's easy to blame money it on money - but you need to get to the root of the problem. He's not living up to his end of the relationship. You made mistakes - I'm sure he's not perfect but continual blaming for past mistakes isn't going to solve the problem. Does he care about losing the home? Is it your fault that you got cancer? (NO!! But for some it's easy to blame cancer or another person for this short-comings.

Show him how you are taking responsibility for your actions and past mistakes. Show him you want to make this work but CANNOT do it alone. Ask yourself if you are better off without him. If the answer is yes - then it's time to let go. However, even if you are better off without him - you MUST tie up all the loose ends in this relationship - that means telling him how you feel. Leaving a relationships with loose ends is not a good thing.

I truly wish you the best! I pray that God guides you and takes you where He needs you to be. You have the strength to do this - trust in God. He will take care of you!!

Cheryl

M.,
Tough times for certain but you do have the strength to handle this too. I would recommend you tell him that his not working is putting an additional strain on the relationship. You must also begin to take responsibility for taking care of you. How can you increase your income to make ends meet.

Counseling would be a wise course of action. If you have a home church and pastor or rabbi, I would recommend trying that route since there is no costs to you. You may also want to try to get on public assistance.

Loving a husband means you don't let him not be responsible. As you are changing and improving yourself you are being exposed to his short comings. He is going to have to improve too.

Try to be level headed and not so emotional. Hard for us women but not impossible. Pray often and frequently. I would never recommend leaving your husband in this case but this is going to require some tough love, forgiveness, wisdom and love to make it through.

I will keep you in my prayers.

K.

I'm so happy that you are in remission! My father is currently in remission from cancer for the second time. I know it can be a very scarry experience. After you have gone through that type of experience I think it's okay for you to think about yourself and get out of any stressful stituation. Maybe you will have an easier time without him. But, I understand that you might not want to give up on your marriage without a fight.
On the other hand, maybe it's your husband who can't deal with your past mistakes and he needs to decide what he is going to do. My opinion is if you are going to forgive someone for past mistakes or indescretions in a marrage then you need to do it. That means not holding it over the persons head everytime there is an argument and it means not using it against them. That is if you truly forgive them. If your husband cannot truly forgive then maybe he should move on.
It sounds like he is using not finding a job as an excuse to keep an eye on you. What he does not know that if you really wanted to be with someone else (not saying that you do) there is nothing he can do about it because he can't watch you 24 hours a day.
This economy is so bad nowadays it just about takes every adult living in one household to bring in some type of income in order to stay above water. I'm surprised that he continues to get unemployment after all this time. Maybe when it eventually runs out he will be motivated to find employment.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Congratulations on being cancer-free and on your recovery. Sounds like just when your life is getting back in order, your husband's is falling apart.

It sounds like your husband needs a kick in the pants, a wake-up call. He has responsibilities as a husband and a father. He's using your relationship as an excuse for not getting a job. People have to work to survive, and why should he be any different? Unemployment isn't going to last forever. What does he think is going to happen if you lose your house?

I think he needs counseling on his own, and then possibly couples counseling once he gets some things figured out. If you don't have health insurance that will cover it, then look into a church program or speak with a minister/pastor. He might also qualify for Medicaid or a subsidized program. Hopefully, he will go. If you give him an ultimatum about getting counseling (or you will leave), then be prepared to follow through.

In the meantime, get your ducks in a row in case you need to go on your own with your kids. That doesn't mean you have to leave him, but it'll make it easier if you have to down the road. See an attorney, if you can, and keep looking for a full-time job!

I have been the sole provider for my family for year... actually most of the marrage of 15 yrs. But for the last 5 yrs my hubby has been the stay at home dad to our kids (5 yr, 4 yr & 2 yrs)... that is till I lost my job last July - the plant I worked for closed. I was 1 day shy of 12 yr service & they had been in business since WWII, but manufacturing is taking a hard hit with everything being made over seas & no one having $ to spend to by new things.

In October we almost lost our home... I had been trying to modify our loan since April with no luck. (My hours had been cut in 2008 & we couldn't make the payments anymore because of everything). Finally the bank did start on the modification, which put the forcloser on hold & they did modify my morgage payment (reducing it by over $200 a month). I also shopped around for insurance and found one that was the same coverage for about $300 less per year, which lowered the house payment even more. We have cut out most of our extras (except DSL & Satilite TV), we only eat out about once every 2 or 3 months.

I do know it's very hard to live on unemployment... I only get $221 a week to pay all the bills (house payment, car insurance, 10 credit cards, 2 bill collectors, phone/internet/tv, gas, electric, alarm, water & trash), we do get state insurance, WIC & food stamps which help A LOT! I'm sending out my resume all the time & try for every lead I can find... but it's a hard market right now. My hubby is snowblowing neighborhood drives to help make extra $ for us & also is really good at home repairs so he was doing some of that when it was warmer & might have a few jobs to do this spring. So, he is helping how he can.

A month ago I had 2 interviews with a company... my first interview in over 5 months. The went really well & I though I had the job, but I found out from my aunt that they hire someone else. It was a hard hit... I spent over a week really upset & started to go into a depression. Was ready to just stop looking & give up on everything... bills were behind, I can get work, I can get out - it's to cold, hubby & I are fighting, kids are acting out - I felt like a complete failer, what was the point. I had to find a way of pulling myself out of my depression... or we would have lost everything (which I'm not as worried about the the items - it's the kids that worry me). But I was also just starting to go into it... if your hubby has been in his for possibly 2 year, it will be harder to pull him out. I think he needs someone to talk to about what he went through with your cancer, addictions & feelings about your relationship. I do want to say "Congratz" on winning your battles & continuing with the 12 step program. If he talks to someone it might help him to feel better about himself, find his drive again, your relationship & stop the blame game you are concerned about.

I wish you luck & the strength to continue fighting your battles... I think they are well worth fighting.

M.-

So sorry to hear about everything you've gone through and all the problems that have arisen.

What kind of cancer did you have? I was diagnosed with Hodgkins 20 months ago, and like you, have been clean on my scans for over a year. Congratulations!

My husband really struggled during my treatment. We didn't have the indiscretions or substance issues, but he does expect that like will go back to a precancer normal - it will not.

It sounds like he's emotionally in a place where he can't take (and chooses not to take) accountability for himself, so he lives off other people's money (unemployment) and does what he wants to. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

It sounds like the best solution is for him to get into counseling to get past the past and move into the present. I don't know if you're going to be able to encourage that on your own. But, I do hope you find resolution to this soon. You're under enough stress, and I would hate for it to have a negative impact on your health and your relationship with your children.

Wow. You sound like a very strong woman to have overcome so much. Congrats on your remission and soberity!

What does the strength of your relationship have to do with him finding a job? For me, my relationship was more stressed because hubby couldn't find a job. When hubby lost his job, he expected me to just pick up the pieces, cover all the bills, etc. Which of course I did. What choice did I have, but I was too happy about having to pay for his ATV!

When my husband and I got married, we setup individual checking accounts, at his insistance, and eventually set up a joint account. We sat down and figured out the joint bills, and split them in half. We both then contribute that amount to the joint account each month. For our personal bills, we pay out of our individual accounts. Yes there have been times, like during unemployment, that I had to pay more or all, but having my own account gives me a sense of control over my future. Granted a small amount of control, but one nonetheless.

Finding a job once you've been on unemployment is a tricky thing. You have to keep looking to keep getting it, but at the same time, if the pay isn't right, the money from unemployment is actually MORE than the paycheck from the job. It may also be that hubby is in some sense of denial over not finding a job.

As for losing your home, it could be the best thing for you. I don't say that to be mean, I'm battling that one myself, but actually losing the house could be a wakeup call to him.

For me, hubby's wakeup call was telling him that while he was on unemployment and had ALL this free time, that he couldn't take his ATV trip (cost of $300.) becuase I needed that money for the house payment.

To force a wakeup call for your hubby, start sorting things out/hold a yard sale. If you're going to have to move, you'd better start clearing out the junk!

Good luck, stay strong, and give the stress to God.
M.