My Husband Wants to Move Away and I Don't.

sorry - you are married. You support your husband and go with your husband. When we marry - we cut our apron strings.

In either of my marriages - I NEVER lived close to my parents who are AWESOME Grandparents. My parents live on the other side of the country- so if I were you? I'd be delighted to only be 12 hours from my parents in a car. For me? 3 to 5 days or a 5.5 hour plane ride.

Strike a compromise. But really - if he has valid reasons - you need to put HIM above your parents. While I get the "my parents are great" and 'this is my home' - bottom line is - this is your marriage. Find a compromise someplace in between - maybe Georgia - 1/2 way between the two.

Tell him to do a study or research that moving will be worth it - since i don't know what he does - I don't know if his business will be better or not. Have him show you the stats on how things would improve, etc. and work with.

Don't act like a 2 year old having a snit and pouting "I don't want to move". MY family is here. I don't like hot summers....please know that I am NOT trying to be mean or flaming. but really - this is your marriage. make a decision - your husband or your parents.

I read your entire post, and I read every response thus far. And my initial thoughts are that the two of you HAVE to come to an agreement. Pro's and Con's for moving or staying have to be spelled out.
You have listed several of yours and they are valid, but they tend to cater to what makes you happy. You guys need to find what makes the two of you happy.
I understand your son is in an amazing school, but I can assure you there are AMAZING schools all over this country.
Lay out expectations for both of you, don't just draw a line in the sand and say "we're not moving because ____!"
You start your post with "My husband of 17 yrs....", that leads me to think you may be considering another option if he isn't on board with staying put...?
And that is perfectly fine, no one is to judge. But please communicate and make every attempt possible to resolve this. Good Luck

ETA: We went through this about 9 months ago, it was only a 5 hour move but nevertheless we moved from ALL of my family and ALL of her family. Of course we had our reservations, having NO FAMILY around us. But we saw what was for the better of our family and our future.

ETA: "we are doing this whether or not you want to" kind of way.... that is an entirely different story... I'm sorry you're going through this

I have to say, how about you are married and your husband supports you and he goes with you, especially since you have built a life where you are. When we marry we cut our beach/sun strings. Not offense to Cheryl O, but I see it from your perspective Coloratura. My husband is originally from beautiful San Diego and moved to the Chicago area for a job, and once in a while he'll bring up moving to CA - usually in the winter.

My mother and father live here as well and my father was sick with colon cancer for 6 years and you will never get that time back.

Unless your husband can PROVE that moving is necessary for your livelihood, it seems selfish to just insist on uprooting the whole family so he can be near the water.

You're both stuck on the different sides of the same coin:

- Family & Weather

The only real difference being that you're established where you currently live. (great schools, working businesses, etc.)

I wonder... because you say he's prone to depression if things have just gotten too "calm" after the chaos of recent years. The kids are all in school and doing well at last. Your businesses are up and running. Your mom is in remission... so instead of enjoying a moment of peace... he wants to chaotic things up? (Super common with certain types of depression. The chaos seeking... which the adrenaline and the stress "self medicates" part of the depression).

If he's chaos seeking do NOT NOT NOT move... or you'll be moving every single time you guys get on your feet. Chaos seeking needs therapy and possibly meds. It's a sign that the brain is SERIOUSLY missing some chemicals in it's everyday functionality AND that some reeeeally unhealthy coping mechanisms are at play (similar to drinking away the pain... you always end up back at square 1).

If he's just miserable because of the weather (I can soooo empathize, as I bet, can you)... the compromise MY family used might work with ya:

We summered.

No matter where we were in the world (military) we summered in Seattle. The week after school let out, to the week before school went back in session. Granted, back then (I'm not that old) it was 12 weeks of summer, so we got 10 weeks in Seattle.

I was VERY close with my grandparents... but that was the "only" time I saw them. If you add up 10 weeks... that's 70 days... which adds up to once or twice a week spread out throughout the entire year. Add in phonecalls? Skype or Facetime? (didn't even have those when I was a kid) and staying tight knit is no biggie.

You can probably work your business to do summer shoots in TN, so still be bringing in money... kiddos get gramma time. NO idea what your husband does... but he may even be able to have 2 offices if you split your time up in TN. Or if not... if he busts his bum one week, and drives up for the next (or flies, some commuter flights are super cheap) he could go back and forth.

All this depends on a lot of other factors clicking (like really good schools, and FL is known for pretty terrible schools, but of course, there are good individual ones), being able to set up your buisnesses in FL, etc.

It's just a thought. In the 'have your cake and eat it, too" variety.

We recently found out that it is a possbility for us to move back to another state that we previously lived in for five years...the state my hubs grew up in. We are now living where I grew up...due to finances we had to move here. I can say that I've been on both sides.

I don't want to move back there anytime soon. When he mentioned it...he asked "would you be ok with it"...I said "I am not ok with but would do if it's the best decision for the family"...

Can't be a best decision for one person in my opinion. Neither of you are making the choice based on what is good for you and your kids.

Take the emotion out of it. I know it's hard but really you have to come to a decision that is good for the whole, not the individual.

Ask to meet in the middle... how about almost coastal in the Carolinas? That way he's near the water and closer to his parents whereas YOU are not too far from yours. I would want to be close if my parents were ill also, even as a remission.

Hmmm. Tough situation. I wonder what the two of you had decided when you married. The conversation must have come up. Of course, people change their minds, too. Where were you when the two of you met?

People with depression have a tough time with cloudy days and SADD in winter. It could be a factor. Exercise is good for folks with depression, and winter makes that harder to get.

Will he want to up and leave from Florida in another eight years to another place? Do you think he'll want to continue to roam?

When did you become a "homebody?" Some of us like to move, and some like to stay put. Have you changed? Has your husband?

I've heard the economy is especially bad in Florida. I like the rent for a year idea, just in case.

Consider who you will have to take care of as they age. Will his mom have someone is you stay? Will your surviving parent have someone if you leave?

Personally, I'd want to try out a new spot for the adventure of it, especially if the money would be more secure. If it won't be, I'd be less inclined.

I don't know what to tell you. I hope the two of you can decide.

What **I** hear in this post? It's all about YOU and what YOU want. How miserable YOU will be. What about HIM? What about his feelings? You make it sound like you will let him go by himself with your comment of "my husband of 17 years...." will you really end your marriage over this?

Find a compromise. Have your husband do a business plan for where he wants to move, how many businesses like his are already there, how much would it cost to start a business there (licenses, insurance, etc.) and if you have the money required to do so.

If he has SADD - get a lamp to help him out. Have him talk to a doctor about ways to help with winters while you are still there in Tennessee.

We don't have family here. My family is in Connecticut and Maine. Hers is in Northern California. Would we love to live near family? Yes. Is it going to happen one day? Maybe. But I know we will work TOGETHER on it.

As to schools? There are "amazing" schools everywhere. It takes research to find them.

You can make this work. It's just a matter of compromise. Unfortunately, it sounds like you aren't willing to compromise and only putting your needs, wants and desires above his.

I can tell you a lot of talking went into my quitting my job and staying home with the kids. My wife and I both made good money. But we wanted more for our kids. She got a great promotion and raise. That decided it for us. We have no debt other than the mortgage and can live on her salary. We have a decent savings too. But we TALKED about this change. We didn't draw a line in the sand and say "it will be this way". it's been almost 6 months now and I don't regret my decision. Yeah, it bothered me at first. Yeah, it was daunting at first. Now we are in a routine and schedule. I'm not regretting my decision.

So before you toss in the towel? TALK with your husband. LISTEN to his reasons and have him show you the differences. Then discuss your POV and why you want to stay.

there are lots of good reasons to stay where you are. it would be especially hard to leave your sick mom, and a school that you love.
but i think you and some responders are being very dismissive of your husband's POV. it sounds to me as if he too has some very sound points, not just wanting to be near the water (which is in itself a sound point.) if the town really is too small to support his labor pool, why shouldn't that be factored in?
if florida is closer to his parents, why does being close to yours carry more weight? if he hates the cold, why is your loathing of heat more important?
i think living somewhere you love is a really important aspect in anyone's life. your marriage and your family should trump all other issues, including parents and schools. i do think they should be factored in, but it seems awfully unfair to expect him to compromise on everything. there has to be somewhere in this great country that would give you both what you need climate-wise and give you reasonable travel access to your parents. but you have to be willing to acknowledge each other's tender spots.
khairete
S.

I agree with you. You aren't acting like a two year old. Just because you are married to a man doesn't mean that HE gets to call the shots about moving. You both have a business. You both bring in the money for the family. Your being his wife doesn't mean you are supposed to just "follow" him.

I say that as a woman who HAS followed my husband's career. That was my choice, dropping my own career in favor of his, but he NEVER expected me to do it just because he is the man.

What should determine whether you move or not is whether or not he has procured a job down there. And not just one of these "maybe" things.

It has to benefit the whole family and it has to make you all money. If you two move down there and have to start both of your careers all over, you will suffer financially. Make him show you a real plan. More importantly, tell him he has to find a job down there. There are people who move to Florida for the lifestyle and find out that because everyone likes moving down there, they can't find a competitive salary. You can't pay your bills like that.

Good luck,
Dawn

That seriously bites. We went through this 16 months ago. Still trying to find my "place" here, after a 22 hour move. But it's just something you have to hash out between the 2 of you. I knew in my situation that I was a sahm and Jeremy had an opportunity (a big promotion) that would take us here....and if I dug my heels in and refused, I knew he'd resent it (and me) for the rest of our lives. I told him my reasons for staying (close to my family, amazing schools, the best town ever for raising kids--ok, number 6 on the Forbes list that year, fun, centrally located so we could see plains, beach, woods, mountains, dessert within a day of driving, life long friends, etc). He chose to come here, so we followed. He hates his boss, hates his office, hates how the promises made to get us here were not followed through on.....but we're here now, with a 3,000 sq ft house in a market where we know not to bother trying to sell it. So, we're here. On the other hand, there's the beach and we do really love that...and it's pretty.
Perhaps you guys could make a list, pros and cons, for each state. Don't forget to include the ability to sell your current home and what you'd realistically get for it if you own, how much it'd cost to be somewhere comparable in Fla, what is the actual workforce looking like over there (I know some places in Fla are REALLY hurting in this economy, but have no idea about that city or what you do for a living)...and state/property taxes, schools, cost of living differences. If you go, knowing now what I didn't know last year....I'd suggest renting a year before deciding to purchase, so if you like it, cool, put down roots. If you don't like it, you can go back to TN. I think putting BOTH of your lists together with his and really talking AND LISTENING, and praying about it, is really all you can do. It's a difficult part of marriage if you can't agree on this, but it is a common issue that comes up. But your husband is your husband. You don't divorce over something like a move that is less than a day's drive away, unless there's other underlying issues. Good luck to you.

You did 8 years, your husband has done 8 years, his turn or perhaps time to go your separate ways??? 12 hours is not that far away if you needed to come home for an emergency. Also, there may be a possibility of your mom and dad coming to spend extended periods of time with your family in Florida.

Bottom line, is your marriage worth a compromise?

Blessings....

I think you need to do more research before a decision is made. Have you looked into schools in Jacksonville? What kind of business does he do, will it really be better in Jacksonville? Is there any special licensing that may be needed in Fl hat isn't in TN.
There is a CARD (enter for Autism and Related Diseases) in Jax that is awesome. You may want to talk to them about schools in the area for your son.

This is tough becase you are playing a game of what he wants, what I want. There has to be compromise in a marriage and it cannot always be one spouse doing the compromising it has to be both compromising.

I want to live in AZ (I have a grandpa, aunts, uncles & cousins that live down there, plus it is warm)... BUT... hubby has a good job here in WI, his parents (and my parents & siblings for now) live in the area. I told him that if he ever finds or gets a job offer in AZ (phoenix area) it needs to be up for discussion him taking the job. Not saying he has to takes it but it just needs to be talked about. His parents are looking to retire in a few years, I suggested that maybe if we move to AZ if he gets/finds a job offer that they would easily sell their house and move down in a heart beat.

He needs to for sure have a buisness plan set up, and in motion to move down there. Can you do your buisness from anywhere? You two need to talk about this respecting each others thoughts and needs. Figure out what would be best for the family and make compromises (like we move but come back for half the major holidays or part of the summer... or we stay but half the major holidays and part of the summer spent in Florida). Stop think about the "I" and think about the "WE/family" to into account both set of parents even get their feelings (would your mom be hurt & not able to make it without you living here). What about living in the middle by water yet inbetween the grandparents? I grew up living 12 plus hours away from my grandparents (at one point lived overseas so 18 hours away by plane!)

EDITED: You added he deals with depression, I live in WI and I too deal with depression. It gets really really hard in the winter due to lack of sun and lack of getting out and moving around outside... it is just harder to fight that depression when sitting in a warm bed is SOOO MUCH more comforting. So I understand if he thinks it would help his issue (major one) by moving... of course it is not a MUST move reason.

You are right that he may not be happy moving, if his buisnesses flops that is a big downer... you are right that having built up a photography buisness is hard to restart so I would not give that up unless he is 110% set up with his buisness and making money. It is going to be tough, a lot more planning on talking needs to be done even before making the decission to go or stay.

I have to side with you here. If you are making the bills, then I say no. Your kids are doing well, I also have a child with "issues" and know how important a good public school is. Also, my mother just had a scare with possible lung cancer. We live in AZ and they live in SC. I would have given anything to be there with her. As previously stated, you never get that time back.

Well - from his perspective you have lived near your parents where you wanted to for 8 years. It would not be unreasonable (although I am sure difficult) to move where he wants to live for the next 8 years. It might do the least damage to your relationship to do something completely neutral like flip a coin to decide.

We have one of those SAAD lights... works wonders... I'd get one for him.

I don't see that as a weather v. family situation, but I really think it needs to be a "what's best for our son who has special needs situation". If you have him in a school where he is thriving how could he possibly want to move him??

You don't mention is (in the past) he's the type to put family first... if he has been I'd make this my number 1 priority b/c it should be.

Maybe you can work out along term plan... so he doesn't feel as though it's forever in TN. What about hi doing 1 week a month in Fl?? MANY sales men/women travel more than that a month.

I don't it's a good idea while your mother is battling cancer and your son as the needs that he has and you have found a good fit as far as schooling goes. I think those things trump his need for warmer winter weather and water near by. Unless he can better prove his point regarding his business not doing well where you are, I think for now you are better of staying put. Does he think that somehow his business will do better in Florida? What about selling your house? Would you get what you paid for it, or would you have trouble selling it?

I was living in MA where I met my husband, who is from MA originally. We lived out there together for several years while his kids were young and then 3 years ago moved back in MI to be closer to my family after our daughter was born. Unfortunately my mother became sick with leukemia and passed away almost 2 years ago. Sometimes he still brings up moving back to MA but I am really reluctant too. I'm much closer with my family than his and even when we lived in MA, we didn't see them very much (most of them were still 2 to 3 hours away). We are getting more established with friends out here and this is what DD thinks of as home and the cost of living is much less. He just recently got hired as a truck driver and I am still in the market for a job while doing relief work so that is not as much of an issue. What I did tell him was that our retirement plan should be to move back and get a place on Cape Cod, not just move back to central MA now where we were before. Not to mention that we probably wouldn't be able to sell our house here for what we paid for it - we are still renting out our house in MA because we couldn't get what we needed for it!

I would try to find a way to compromise - maybe consider a different location, like coastal SC like someone else suggested, or discuss a time frame that is more realistic and would be better as far as your mother's situation and your son's education is concerned.

If he thinks it's cold there he should come to Wiscinsin now. At 10 PM Friday the temp is 10* with a -7 wind chill factor. Can I say BBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR???

I think you should move about halfway between your parents. Some place near the water and a bit warmer.

I think you got some mean responses and I am sad to see that. I agree with the responses where they say your husband should work up a business plan and prove to you how his business would improve with the move. You have a lot of valid points. It IS very hard to find an awesome public school for a child with autism and other issues. Maybe one option is for him to move there and get the business going before you move also. Sounds tough, but if it doesn't work out he can just move back and you haven't uprooted the kids for nothing. Good luck.

Stay put is my response. I would hope and pray that my daughter and SIL and grandson would never move away. Tearing grandkids from their grandparents is just horrible. SOmetimes that is the grandparents only little hope for happiness and some sort of quality future. I'd say the other grandparents sold their house in your city....so the cold weather must have been more important than being with their grandchildren. Heck...I'm just in the next city over from my grandchild....and I am considering buying a house near them for when my grandson if too old to go to daycare. He is 9 now. So...what about apron strings....that has nothing to do with it. You love your parents and they need you now. To hell with everything else. Cancer would never take a backset to warm weather in my book...just plain stupid.

I don't know what to tell you about what to do, but I can really see your point. I think it would be very difficult to uproot your kids from their school, friends and the grandparents they are used to spending time with, especially when one is sick. If you've lived there 8 years and they are 5 and 10 your current location is all they've ever known as home. Unless you absolutely need to move for your husband's business to succeed, would it appeal to him to see how disruptive it would be for the kids? All kids are different and most are resilient, but mine, especially my older one, would have been very upset if we had made him move. When he was in 4th grade he had a good friend and neighbor who moved about an hour away, but it seems like another world because it is a very different type of area, rural vs. suburban. At the time my son told me, "If you did that to me I'd find a new family and stay here." It took my son's friend a couple of years to adjust to the new home and school. My younger son now has a friend going through a similar situation and he's on his third year in the "new" location and still struggling a bit. He was at the end of 3rd grade when they moved.

On a lighter note, I had to chuckle that your husband doesn't like the "cold" and the "winter." I looked up to see where you live. Tennessee??!! I live in Minnesota. I guess it's all relative. I dated a FL boy once so I kind of know where he's coming from. (-:

Good luck.

i am in a very similar living situation - i moved to florida as a young adult and met my husband - but i told him from day 1 i was NOT going to raise my family there - MY family is in kansas and that's where i'd be raising my kids. i was not willing to negotiate that. NOW. having said that (obviously you know where i'd fall on this argument). i absolutely feel that family is the most important thing. bar none. if you came on here and said "he is super close to his familiy, i am super close to my family, we both are miserable thinking of living our lives 12 hours away from our families" then there'd be a problem, imo. you're telling me that his deal breaker is the weather? NO. absolute bs argument and invalid. your mom is VERY ILL. how is it YOU being a child, wanting to be near her? i don't know why, this question just has me all riled up so i hope i don't offend anyone, but i just think this is ridiculous. it's unfortunate that he doesn't share your devotion to family - either his extended family or his children. if he's threatening to leave you all over this, i'm sorry, there's something wrong there. that's not RIGHT.

can you guys get into some kind of couples counselling? your church pastor? there are lots of options. i really think you would benefit (and i'm saying this as someone who has gone through it - and it saved our marriage - twice) it can be so helpful to really reconnect and realize how many things you DO agree on. and learn HOW to disagree, and how to compromise, and how to reconnect so that each others' concerns matter again. just a thought.

but in all reality i feel he is WRONG in this case. absolutely. family should come first. if his mom and brother arent a big priority in his life, that's fine. but he shouldn't expect you to dump your family that needs you because he "wants the sun". that's a cop out excuse.

Any chance you could move near his family or close and then go to your family in summer when it's hot in FL? You could go if you are self employed it might work, might not. Just a thought. Then the kids would be out of school and not problem leaving FL.

i think you guys should move, he has lived by your family for a long while, and gone with your wishes of living there, now you can do the same thing and give him his wishes and move to flordia, yeah itll be hard to do but i say wait until the end of the school year and move down there, maybe send him a month or so before to get a house and then move the family down

I tend to side with you because I hate to move. But your mother being sick and the kids needs I think shift the balance your way.

i would move. you have been there for 8 years its time to let him be near his family its only fair. good luck!

A move is an all or nothing kind of thing - he can not expect you to move if you have good things going as a family where you are. The schooling alone (being a mom with a child in a school that addresses his needs well) is a HUGE reason to stay put. I would ask your husband to find out what he REALLY expects to have happen from this move.

I am from Chicago and TN is not that cold! Until you are in a parka and have the wind whipping in your face you don't know cold. From what you have said....I would not move. Spring is on its way to your neck of the woods he will warm up....what kind of work does he do...maybe move to a larger town in TN like Knoxville? I would not uproot the entire family for for 20 degree difference in winter. Good luck on this.

I don't think a move at this time would be good for your family or your mom. If or once your mom is in remission, than that is different.

What about moving to somewhere in NC, SC, GA, LA, or MS? Is there any water say within 6 hours of your current location?

"I wished we wanted more of the same things" is something I think on a regualar basis. Our interests have changed. I enjoy the theatre, even kids theatre. He hates it and sits home most of the time. He loves hunting. I find it boring and miserable so I don't go with him.

We spend little time together having fun. Most of our times revolve around kids and dealing with life's drudgery like paying bills. It takes a toll on the relationship. We used to be friends first and look forward to time together.

I feel for you. I have lived in my husband's state for 13 years and I would love to move somewhere else, anywhere else. I am ready for a change and to do more things I want to do. This location lacks things I want.
I enjoy the beach very much and it takes us 3 days to drive there, though we could do it in two.

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