My Husband Won't Let My 4 Yr Old Cry....

I know how you feel my husband does the same thing with my soon to be three year old, I just try to tell him that he is just a little boy. My son when he is about to cry says over and over "be strong like daddy, be strong like daddy"

I guess its just a man thing.

I somewhat understand the "wussy" thing your husband is thinking, but your son is only 4. If he hits his head in his room, he should be able to tell someone. I think you should make it your top priority to be there each and every time your son has a spil, slip, or accident of any kind. Be RIGHT there to let him know you are there. He obviously does not has his dad and he, being so young especially, needs to know SOMEONE is there. This person is obviosly you and only you. Your child will only be this little once. I think the manpower your husband is trying to convey is overwhelming to such a young child. Probably going to be a major problem later on as well. I understand men do not want "wusses" but little kids are little kids and need so much love and attention IN ORDER to be INDEPENDANT. If you give them no attention at all (especially when they get hurt), they will grow up to be DEPENDANT adults. I hope this makes sense. And you, MOM, need to be there for your baby. Every time (no matter what your husband thinks!!!!!!!!!!!!!) needs to be there, with your *natural* maternal instincts, to let your baby first know that he is ok, and to let him know it is OK. because he needs to develop in this way. it is important. he needs people to notice if he gets hurt because he needs to look up to someone if something goes wrong. and not be confused. This is all a part of structure and devopment. If your husband cannot understand, then you should seriosly consider who is more important- your child or your husband (and who else would be there for your child if you cannot?). I think your decision is your child, isn't it?

Hi Nochole,

I too have a 4 year son who is about to be 5 this Thursday. My son is a perfectionist and often gets frusturated with himself or with his sister when she won't coroperate with him and he'll cry. My Father tells me the same thing like he's got to stop the crying or else the kids are gonna pick on him in school. My Dad plays rough with him (trying to toughin him up). My husband and I have our concerns about him crying about little things and we talk to him about it, but when he hurts himself and stuff we comfort him and try to shift the subject onto something else so he will forget about it. I would talk to your husband because I don't think its right to "scold" him for crying and he's got to remember your son will only be small once and you've get to cherish these days and be the best parent you can be NOW because it will shape who he will become later.. Its so very important. What your husband is doing does sound harsh... You don't want your son to hold things inside to be "tough", that could bring on even more problems down the road. Good luck with this.. I'm with you.

Marcia

This post makes me feel like crying! You probably only need to look at your husband's father (or mother, perhaps) to see where this issue comes from about crying - tough it out, be a man, don't be a wussy, etc. Does he have the same reaction when your son screams or laughs or smiles? To a 4 year old, there is no difference between crying, laughing, smiling - they are all spontaneous displays of emotion, whether positive or negative. I think your instinct about protecting your little guy is right - maybe you should go see a therapist/child psychologist/etc. to determine what the negative implications for this are and will be on your child and how to approach your husband about this - maybe even with some printed literature from the "experts". Once you are informed, you will have more "ammo" to use on your husband, whose instincts are most likely based on his own upbringing - i.e. a stiff upper lip, or you are weak. It is terrible that little boys in particular are subjected to the pressures of "being a man" when they are so small - I can only imagine that when they are older they end up feeling uncomfortable about sharing feelings, crying when they need to and communicating with others and possibly appearing uncaring when others display emotions as well. Good luck with this, but do not let it go - you need to advocate for your little guy! L. W

This is so sad! I dont know what to tell you, really. If there's any way to make your husband understand that crying is a natural form of expression in children I would try to do that. If your husband is a reasonable man he will understand that ALL children cry. This is not what determines if he will be a "wuss." A person who is strong and confident is a person who is able to express their emotions. What he is doing, i think, can be damaging. Maybe if your husband wont change his mind, you can do damage control by trying to talk to your son, and explaining that its OK to cry. If possible, I would tell your husband that you will absolutely not allow punishment for crying. But i dont know if things work like that in your home. I wish I could help more, good luck! Let us know how it turns out.

Ditto what Audrey said word for word.

Its natural for children to cry. It's how they work their emotions out. Your husband needs to keep in mind that your son has not developed the emotional tools yet that we as adults use to control our emotions and the ways we react to situations.

And I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound rude here. But it always makes me laugh when someone says to their crying child "stop crying or you'll get a spanking." Or, "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about". Um, hello, that is only going to make your child cry more and eventually that child will start to resent you. Like spanking him is going to stop him from crying anyway. (and yes, my own father used those lines on me and guess what happened? I cried more)

I really hope you are able to talk to your husband again and get it through his head that his reactions to the situations do not help your son. It is his role as the "father" to be a role model to your son. Threatening and scolding is not the approriate response here. (Unless he wants his son to harbor resentment towards him later in life)

Good Luck!

Hello Nicole,

It sounds like your husband was raised in the same type of environment and that is what he knows. But it isn't healthy for your son to be put in a timeout or spanked because he cries. Children need to be able to express their feelings and cry if need be within reason. What happened with your son trying not to cry when he got hurt is a example of how this is effecting him. He will grow up thinking it is bad and wrong and that is not good. I run a daycare and have 2 boys of my own. One of whom has special needs he is 15 and still cries if he is upset. I don't know how much he is crying or what is causing it all the time but what your husband is doing is wrong.

Your are his mother and you know it isn't right otherwise you would not be on here. I would suggest a therapist and go with your son, even if dad won't. Men are very stubborn and feel they can fix anything and don't like being told what to do. Iknow I have one of them.. lol. My husband has had issues on how to handle my special need son. I put my foot down when I feel what he is doing isn't good for him. Stand your ground for your son. You do what is right for your son, your husband is the parent and adult and he needs to get with the game. If he won't then go get help yourself for your son and do what you feel is right for him.

Please don't let him punish your son for crying if he is hurt or sad. But there also is a time when they are having tantrums ect when it is to much and if my daycare don't stop and are having a fit. They are put into a thinking chair to calm down.
It isn't a punishment but a time to chill.

If you want to talk further about this please email me offlist..

L.

Hi N. ~

I think that even if your husband won't go to counseling you and your son should still give it a try. If nothing else maybe your son will have a safe place to let out the emotions that he is having to hold in at home. And like so many others have said, try to stand your ground with this one and not allow discipline when it is solely because your son is crying. I'm not sure why men think like this or why they are so stubborn, but what I do know is that while you may not be able to change your husbands mind, you can provide a safe place for your son to talk and express his feelins.

I wish you all the best. Good Luck!
M.

I would ask your husband to read the responses you have received. Maybe reading the view of so many other moms will help him see the light and what he is doing is wrong. It breaks my heart to think of your little boy holding in his tears. Good luck to you and your family.

You really shouldn't allow this to happen. Not letting a child cry can be very emotionally damaging especially at his age. When your 4 years old there is no such thing as being a wussy as your husband says. He needs to realize that he is only 4. He also shouldn't be punished for crying. This could cause alot of noticeable problems as your son gets older because he won't know how to express his feelings, he will just think that he can't let them go.

Hi N.,
I'm sorry your husband is not letting your boy express himself. I would suggest having him read, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys or Lost Boys (there are also many other books on the subject). If he won't read it, then after you read it, you can share what you learned or post facts througout the house. If he doesn't change soon, he'll have a lot more to worry about than just his crying. Hang in there and stay strong.

Im going to tell u this & its from experience. My father was the same way. My gfather my fav. grandfather died when i was 11. He let me cry for a little while but after that he told me that if i didnt stop cryin he would give me somethign to cry about. I say this to u because i have a very hard time showing any emotion at all. i will not cry in front of ppl. i let it roll off my back & bottle it up. i do understand he is a boy & boys "r not suppose to cry" but as us women know its ok. I am not sure how to handle it w/ your husband w/o argueing w/ him but he has to stop this. your son will be scarred for life if it doesnt stop soon. im not trying to come off mean but this is a real sore spot for me. it has hurt some of my relationship. i hope u can fix this quick. Thank u for reading my response.

First and formost, you need to make sure your husband understands that the message he is sending his son is not to "toughen up", but to keep quiet if he has a problem. The second message he is sending your son is that "if you have a problem, I don't want to hear it". You need to make your husband understand that if he wants your son to come to you when he is a teen with problems, you need to let him come to you nopw when he is hurting. Point out that your son just a kid and needs reassurance. Instead of saying things like "you will get a spanking or timeout" Try to distract him with other more possitive thing like "I know it hurts, but lets play with your cars and see if that does not take you mind off of it." Or tell him a story like "Wow that is a nasty scrap, I got one just like it when I was learning to ride a bike." If you want to minimize the crying, you need to make your son focus on something that will take his mind off of whatever is hurting."

let me start by saying hi to you then i am not sure what to say he is four not eight he still soo young he should be able to cry if he hurt .that will make him a strong person in the long run not a wussy it how he will learn from his fealing a become a well asjusted pearson latter in life tell your husband he is going to ruin his relation ship with his son kids don't forget

I'm sorry but the definition of a "wussy" to me is a man who is unable to express emotion and has to bury it. You and your husband raise that child together. Step up and tell him this and come up with a solution that works for both of you and doesn't jeapordize your childs health, mental or otherwise.
Don't confront him in front of your child, but do take him aside and talk to him about your concerns. Relationships are not dictatorships.
C.

I feel the same as the first respons, that is really sad!! Some men think that crying is a sign of weakness and that they are not strong if they cry. Crying is a sign of weakness and everyone needs to show it at some point in their life whether all the time or not. a 4 year old is more apt to crying. I have a 2 1/2 year old and she cries everytime she gets hurt or even wants attention. Depending on the case sometimes if she is just whiny then I tell her to stop but if she hurt herself and it's not too bad I always have to kiss her boo-boos and then she is all better. I wouldn't give your husband so much control in the discipline part. Take care of some of it yourself. It is not right to discipline your child for crying. It's their way of showing emotions or feelings towards whatever it is they are doing or if they get hurt. I really hope things work out for you and that if needed you guys can see a conselor or therapist maybe it will open your husbands eyes to see how a 4 year old is supposed to act and that crying is normal.

awww poor bubby :-(

He is still such a baby, he's only 4, he doesn't need to be the tough guy.

Being a mom I know kids cry. So, the cry we hear from them when they are hurt needs to be nurtured & loved. I highly suggest your family seeks counseling, even only if you are the only one who might want to go. Maybe start with just you & your son. If the situation isn't helped soon it will likely be a lot worse down the road.

I hope this helped. GOOD luck.

My heart sank when i read what you wrote- your son IS already emotionally damaged from this if he is trying to hold it in, and you need to put your foot down with your husband immeditaely!!! How terrible that his feelings should have a "time limit" and threaten punishment too??!!! role reverse with your husband on a subject so he can see your point! Tell him he is robbing his son of his true self! He will always hide and hold everything in if this is what he is being taught and could have serious consequences when he is older especially in the teen years. I dont think your husband is thinking of what this is dong to him emotionally and the long term effect this is causing. Your son only has you on his side at this point, and secretly comforting him is not helping him, it will only show him that you wont stand up for him by letting this continue, you need to protect him and speak up to your husband. Your son having and showing emotions does not make him a "wussy"!
Ask your husband if he was treated this way when he was little, ask him why is he doing this to your son, using the "wussy" excuse is inexcusable! What is the real reasoning behind it. Sorry if I am coming across angry but shame on your husband, your boy is only 4 and is losing his innocents and confidence by the actions of his own father what a crappy thing for him to have to take in! Please, please do what ever it takes to make your husband understand what this is doing to your son. My heart goes out to you and your son I am sure you will do the right thing.

A.

I would highly recommend bringing your husband the next time your son has a doctors appt. this could be highly scaring to your son, and emotionally ruining him for when he gets older, if he feels he can not express crying as an emotion, this may continue as he grows that it's not ok to cry....

N.,

I don't really have any suggestions for you, other than to try talking to your husband again. I feel for you and your son-my heart breaks when my son cries-can't imagine how it would be if he was always being told not to cry. That is only going to make him feel worse and it could cause him to keep things in & shut down when there is a problem. I hope that he sees that he may be doing more harm than good. I have a husband that can sometimes get a major attitude and act like a bigger baby than the child who is crying-saying he can't stand it when he cries-but,I wish you luck-keep us posted. Hopefully, someone on here will have a good answer for you.

My husband is the exact same way with my 5 yr old...all the way down to "He doesn't want him to be a wussy" part....I let my son cry, and if my husband starts to say ANYTHING about it, I defend my son to him him, and tell him he is NOT going to do anything about his crying, and then I take my son to his room w/ me for a little while, and let him get out his crying, and then we play for a bit!! I do beleive that there are some things he shouldn't cry about, like whinnig and crying for not getting his way. In that situation, I remind my son, that everybody can't have their way ALL the time...and so on....you do what you think is right when it come to your husband, but I hope eveything works out!!!

Hi Nicole,

I know there is a book out about that. I think it might be called Boys Don't Cry. Oprah did a show on it a two or three years ago. She talked about the importance of letting boys show their feelings otherwise they hold all in and that is not good in so many ways. If you get the book maybe your husband will read it. I also think the therapist would be a good idea, even if he won't go you will find out for sure for yourself.
Good Luck,
J. O

You husband may be really sorry if your boy is ever seriously hurt, and tries to "hold it in." Kids go through stages ... it's just what they do. My little boy has been whiny for a week or even a month, but then very tough the following month. What if your son had a serious problem ... internally? Where you couldn't tell something was wrong unless he told you, but he would just be too afraid to tell anyone.
My entire (very large) extended family have all been afraid that their kids would be gay, so they tried so hard to "butch" them up. Well, trust me when I tell you everyone of those kids have a lot of social problems now. One was a bully growing up, and now as a teen cannot make friends very easily. Another is very weird ... he can't make friend either. He's quiet and just pretty weird. Trust me, you should just let your kid be a kid. I hope that your husband lays off the boy. Good Luck!

i think your husband may be emotionally damaged by something in his past. it's too bad that he decided to carry on the cycle instead of breaking it. for your sons sake, i think your family needs to get a little counciling. it seems your husbands issues are really affecting your child. its one thing to not want a whiney baby, but another to forbid all crying, even in response to physical pain. how sad :( please do something about this, lots of hearts are breaking after reading this request. yours is obviously one of them.

aww that is so sad, he is a boy and they are very emotional when young. he should be able to cry, boys will get to that point on there own when they get older, not to cry and not feel like a sissy. your husband needs to stop that with him. it is really emotinaly hurting him.