My Mother...

Hi T.

I've been in a similar situation (mine was with both my mother and brother)who drank.... and you feel guilty if you do give and guilty if you don't. My best advice and this may sound harsh, but the only money I would spend towards her at this time is for therapy and I would pay that directly to a therapist. I think some how , some way, she needs to get to the bottom of why she constantly feels the need to move around and not take responsibility for behavior. I also think if this has been going on since you all were kids, you should look into a support group for yourself. There are plenty of co-dependent type meetings. I suggest this because I think it sounds like you need support not only from your family but from an outside objective source. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside looking in to help set us all straight. I helped my mom out here and there, but I stopped giving her the money directly, instead I bought her groceries. As for my brother, I just stopped giving him money. I felt guilty, but at the same time, I was also trying to make a living and pay my rent. Oh sure, they both were irritated with me, but then again, no matter how much I gave it was never enough. As for your other siblings thinking the burden is on you and moreover, your husband, forget that.. Before they take your inventory, they should take their own... It's all easier said than done, but charity does start in the home , begin it with you.. take a stand, take charge and create personal boundaries that your mom and siblings can't cross... you have more power here than you might think, you really do.

I don't think giving her money repeatedly or letting her come to live with you isn't going to help her in the long run. This reminds me of a saying:"You can give a man a fish and he will have one meal or you can teach a man how to fish and he will be able to feed himself for a lifetime." I agree the the previous response to get her some help.

Ask for your siblings to help you do an intervention. If she sees her whole family together, she will most likely respond. If you keep giving her money, she will never stop what she's doing and she's making you a co-dependent.

I know how difficult this must be, I have a similar situation with my mom and I just have to keep loving her while I keep clear about my boundaries for myself and my family.

Blessings

Dear T.,

Sounds like your Mom may have raised you and your siblings on her own? You said you moved a lot, were you ever homeless, cold or hungry? Your mom may not be very good at budgeting because she probably never had much to spare after housing, clothing and feeding four kids. Some people can stretch a dollar till the eagle screams and some can’t.

If the four of you can contribute $10 - $20 a week, you could set up an account for your mother. Don’t wait for your mother to call you crying. Tell her you and you siblings will help her with her rent and PG&E. Find out the name and address of the landlord and send money directly there. You can do the same with the PG&E bill. If there is any left over, give it to your mother.

There are free clinics in almost every county and your mom will be eligible for health care coverage when she is 62. Don’t worry she probably doesn’t want to live with any of you either.

Make it clear to you siblings that it isn’t up to just YOU; it is up to all of you. It is a very unhappy circumstance that many older people in our country find themselves in need when they should be in retirement mod. This is not just happening to people who did not plan.

I hope you and your siblings will help your mother as much as you can. Honor thy mother and father.

Blessings……

T.~
We have a similar situation in our family... three siblings from one poor mother. My mother can't/won't keep a job for reasons that are too complex to sum up. My sister, because she can afford it, gives Mom money and pays some of the bills. My brother does from time to time. I do not because we cannot afford it... and it makes me feel guilty and angry at my mom. Don't know what your siblings' situations are, but maybe they can't afford it either? Anyway, I also don't like that my sister has to put off things she wants to get/do because she is supporting Mom; large amounts of cash go my Mom's way and she does not express her appreciation, which hurts and angers my sister.

Anyway, the help I give my mom is to go help her clean or take her meals occasionally. I also send her job announcements when I see them (not that she ever acts on them). I took her to the social security and welfare offices to apply for benefits and went to several doctor appointments with her. There were some senior resources that I found for her including job search assistance and counseling services. It didn't help or change much in our situation. ... you can lead a horse to water...

We siblings have tried telling our mom what we think she should or could do, and offered our help. She doesn't seem willing or able to change her ways, though. Luckily she will be 62 next month and qualify for medical assistance and social security.

Maybe you and the sibs can help your mom list her income and expenses and make a budget?

I guess I don't really have advice for what you should do, but I do feel VERY strongly that your relationship with your husband is far MORE IMPORTANT than bailing your mother out. Maybe you can decide with your husband a set amount that you can send to/ spend towards your mom and then don't exceed it.

My parents divorced in part because of my mom taking care of her own mother and putting grandma's needs before our family...

I hope that my little rambling will help you feel not so alone. I empathize and am sorry that your mother can't take care of herself!

HI,
I totally sympathize and identify with your situation. I also have a similar situation and recently took in my mother due to her circumstances. I don't recommend it if you can avoid it but in my case there was no other option.

That said I suggest talking with her and your siblings, perhaps and intervention as another reader recommended, and see what plan you can all agree upon. Perhaps if she moves closer it would be easier for all of you.

I agree that it is not fair that you're expected to foot the bill just because you make the most. I am an only child so I feel the pressure regardless so I hope that your siblings will be more understanding.

If you ever want to meet up and talk more I would be open to that since I have difficulties finding others that identify with my "mother situation".

Good luck and be good to yourself!