My Mother Is Driving My Husband Crazy

For the sake of your marriage and to show your husband that you are part of a team, you MUST tell your mother to stop with the comments to your husband or she will not be welcomed to visit. PERIOD. Put yourself in his shoes and you understand how lucky you are that he hasn't told her himself. It is YOUR mother and YOU have to do it (or she'll just make it about him). YOU are a mother now and your #1 concern is for your family, which includes the happy home of you and your husband. Your child needs his father and you need your husband. Honestly, mothers have to come second now.
I think it is great that she wants to visit, but she has to realize that you and your husband are the parents and you work as a team. When she puts him down, she is putting YOU down too. I hate confrontations, too, but I am willing to do anything to protect my marriage and my children. YOU CAN DO IT, TOO!!! I hope you make some changes before she hurts your great partnership. Your son is counting on it! Good Luck

Hi N.. Sorry you are going through this. When your mom says something like - it's hurts me too sweetie - to the baby. Your husband and/or you should respond - well your words are hurting ME now too.

Tell your mom the both of you are doing your best, and need to learn from your own mistakes and at your own pace. Tell her you'll ask advice when you need it (and then DO ask her for some advice).

If she says she feels like a piece of furniture - say - 'I am so sorry you feel that way, it was not my intention. It is really all about the baby right now, and I'm overwhelmed so all of my energy is going to him. I am sure you can understand that.....'

OR talk to the baby like she does and say - 'Gramma feels like a piece of furniture! She should not feel that way at all - right? We love her.'

People do not change overnight, so give her a chance. If she keeps it up, then you might have to be blunt and tell her why her visits forethcoming will be limited. Hopefully it will not come to that.

Good luck!

I myself have recently "put my foot down" with my own mother. She traveled up the East Coast of the US and stayed with us for 5 months! This was after I had told her, "I don't think that's a good idea." My attempt at setting boundaries obviously was not clear enough. This was last year. For the past 12 months, I have had to tell her a very clear "No", with every request to come visit. When she has been in the Northeast, visiting others, she has even proposed coming to the end of my driveway, letting the kids get in her car, take them to dinner, and dropping them off. The last request was this past September before she headed south again. The phone call ended with her saying to me, "Well M., I don't even know what your boundaries are." That statement really said it all to me, the simple truth in one sentence. And I had to muster the strength to say, "Right now my boundaries are my children, my home, and Vermont." (I know, I claimed a whole State for myself!)
I write all this because, though our stories might be different, the basic issue is the same. A parent not being respectful of their adult child's boundaries. With your family returning to the US, it may become even more critical to draw the boundary lines.
It may be helpful to see a councelor/therapist just as an objective sounding board for you to find some clarity for yourself on this issue. You, your husband, and your child are your family core. Having to tell a parent they are not welcome, pending their continued behavior, is a very hard thing to do. Invest in the growth and happiness of your core family, nuture yourself and your marriage. For right now, I choose to visit my mother on neutral ground. Not at my house, not at her house. For instance, a siblings house, or this summer we had a family reunion where she was in a different rental house than us. The visit's were not perfect but they were a lot less stressful! I wish you and your family well. Safe travels, good luck with school, and many blessings.
M. P.

Oh, dear, this brings me back over 35 years. I still remember my husband's absolutely wonderful (and controlling) mom and dad telling me how to do everything better. I was able to "eat the advice" until the baby came and then they really told us what to do. One day I walked out of the room in tears and my husband had the task of telling his parents that we did not need any more advice, period. It was not a discussion. It was a simple, powerful statement. He left them and came to me, and we prayed that it would work out. Well of course it did, and his mom and dad became great grandparents and wonderful family times occurred. I'm writing this to affirm that this kind of pressure is so hurtful, that I remember it after 35 years. And yet, when confronted simply and honestly, with no long discussion or pleading, new relationships can grow. Best of luck to you.

Hi N.,

Good advice from Lulu and Ashley. I agree to not biting your tongues and not saying anything. It makes me think of children - if you allow them to misbehave, they will continue to misbehave. She does sound like she wants attention. My guess is your husband may not be talking to her because he wants to avoid conflict. You do both have your attention on the baby and your daily lives.

I was a bit shocked when my parents came to visit before the birth of our first child. They sat around and didn't do much before I went into labor. While I was away at the hospital and my husband was at work, they went like gangbusters through my house. My mother went through my papers - tossed out some she decided I didn't need, including the only phone number I had for someone.
At the birth of our second child, my father complained that he had nothing to do while he was at our house. Hello? Play with your grandson. He complained after the fact. How was I to know? He didn't say anything. Makes me think of your mother. Maybe she doesn't know how to ask if she needs something. She might be expecting you to know what she is thinking. You can't read her mind. Let her know that if she needs something or has a suggestion, please let you two know politely.

I think go with the advice given below,carefully think out your responses to her so that they are calm and non-threatening or hurtful. Also include her in conversation whenever you can, ask her if she needs anything. Maybe think of some things she could help you with BEFORE she arrives so you will have a list that you can refer to when she gets antsy. Hopefully she will sweeten and feel needed and wanted. If not, I'd say that her words are hurtful and you will have her over if she can behave respectfully. If not, she will not be invited over. If she does come for a stay and her behavior is disrespectful, you could possibly hire a mediator. (!)

Good luck!
: ) Maureen

So, lets get this straight, she only "talks" to the baby? She talks AT your husband. This behavior is not acceptable & that is what you NEED to tell her. The more she does it, the more you're allowing her to do ot. Its not easy-there may be conflict. Either she wont say a word when you say something, or she'll argue back. My mother has her own opinion & thats fine, but she knows to keep it to herself! This is YOUR family & Your baby, not hers. Defend yourself before it gets worse.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries..........We must in Love set boundaries. I have a similar problem. We don't want to disrespect our parents but we live with our husbands now and have our own family. You just have to in love tell your mom how everyone feels. And tell her that you appreciate all she does and how much she cares but when she comes to visit she is there only to help and to be a grandparent. Never disrespect you our your husband. And let her make the decision. If she cannot comply then she cannot come to visit. Because the little guy can sense the tension no matter how small he is. They feel the tension. I had to do that with my mom. She would do the same except she would complain to me. ANd I would go to bed all stressed and constantly having to address my husband about things that would bother her. Well I had enough. I told her to talk to him from now on because I cannot be the middle man. And if they cannot work things out then she cannot come to visit. You must for all people involved set boundaries. Everyone will be all the better. As humans we need boundaries.. Good luck and remember with all the love in you heart talk your mom.

DEFINATELY put your foot down now. You are setting the stage for all the relationships pertaining. Let her know that she had her chance when raising you and your siblings, and this is your (and hubby's) turn. Tell her you appreciate the help she has been giving, but if she has issues with the way you do things then she needs to keep her mouth shut, or go home. Tell her that you need to be in tune with baby's needs, and he needs to learn to trust you. If she is swooping in everytime, it is not helping anyone. Good Luck girl, I wish you the best!

Hi N.,
I'm sorry you're going through this. It seems that your mother is not respecting your husband or you. When she tells him that she feels like a piece of furniture, how does he respond? It seems he should say something. It's as good a time as any to let him get off his chest how he feels ("I just need to tell you.") She doesn't seem to listen when you tell her how you feel; good for you for speaking despite not liking confrontations.

I know you don't have the heart to ask her not to come for more extended visits to India, but as hard as it is, it seems you think about doing just that. Her behaviour causes a strain in your family, between you and your husband (who do just fine when she's not around, correct?) and ultimately this behaviour is not going to be healthy for your child.

When you move to NY, you can visit them and stay in hotels and have day visits when you can pay attention to your child and make sure your mother doesn't say things like what she is saying now. When she says things like "I know you're sad b/c you're cold, I'm sad too!" You can respond in kind, "Oh, grandma (or what she is called in your culture) is being silly! You're not sad! If you're cold you'll let mummy know by crying, and then mummy will give you a blanket! Mummy loves you so much!" If she asks why the change in visits, you can tell her about your efforts to communicate with her about her passive/aggressive behaviour with your husband and the way she talks to your child, and her seeming lack of effort to make ammends. Best of luck!

That is a tough situation and Im sorry you are going through that. I actually have a similar situation with my mother in law. My husband and I found it best to just respond directly to her when she makes comments like that and to do it immediately...so it doesnt sit and "stew" in anyone's head...
And when she is saying something to your husband when you are out of the room, then you should bring it up to her..."mom, i understand you think you are not needed here...if you have a problem with us lets all talk about it together, so that it can be resolved"
so she understand that you two are very connected and are not going to hide anything from eachother and she should tell you things directly.
Good luck!