My Poor Kids...

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} T. - you have a lot on your plate right now, please don't add guilt to it, you needed to figure things out for yourself before you could be in a position to be there for your kids. And this really sounds like more than you should try to tackle on your own - some good, compassionate, professional family counselors could help all of you sort out the pieces of your lives and start trying to figure out how to best put them back together again. It's going to take time, so please don't feel bad if you don't see instant results - we all want our kids to feel better quickly but genuine, honest healing takes time and sometimes well-intentioned efforts to speed things up can get in the way of deep lasting healing. The important thing is the you *want* to help make things right for your kids and even though they might not understand that right away, you know in your heart that's what you're trying to do and that's what, in the long run, will help you keep going and working on rebuilding. Hugs and prayers

Sorry you and your kids are having to go though this. The only thing I can suggest is counseling for your whole family as this has damaged you all.

Hope this helps....and good luck to you

I'm so sorry, for you and your children. And, no, you are not a fool, but sweetie, the mess isn't going to go away. Your husband has caused a major rift not just in your and his relationship, but in his and your oldest's relationship. The 11-year old may want you to stay because they're afraid of a change, and the younger two don't know what's going on, but know that something is.

What your children need is to know that they are safe, and that their world is still there, they need to feel secure again. My suggestion is for family counseling, (which I hope you and your husband are already planning for yourselves) so you can find out where they're coming from and what they need most.

And, your husband has to realize he hurt everyone tremendously, that the anger and pain he caused may remain for a long time, and that he himself also has to put forth effort, even more so than you, to make his family feel happy, whole and safe again.

The best thing you can do right now, today, is give them a sense of continuity. Kids thrive on schedule. They need to see things get back to something close to normal, as soon as possible.

We dont know if you're doing the right thing. Noone does. Time will tell. Whatever decision you make is going to be a struggle. We don't know what to tell you with the kids, beacaues every kid is differant and so are thier needs. You see that yourself. I know one thing, there are people better suited than you and me to help them. I know, it sounds so simple to say go to counseling. But, in your case, family counseling may be just what the dr ordered. Call your insurance and church and see if there is anything available.

You are definitely no fool or idiot. I think you are making some very deep, very *difficult* decisions. Unless your husband was harmful to your children, it will likely be more traumatic to them to be away from their father. To have parents break up is very traumatic for children (speaking from experience here). For the sake of the children, if you can make it work, make it work. I hope and pray he is being sincere and he is really trying to work on things. From the reading I've done, men really can love their wives while cheating on them at the same time! I'm sure it works the same for women who cheat. It sounds like sometimes they are looking for something they are "needing" and find it somewhere else, but their spouse still fulfills many of their other needs. Then I sometimes think people are just idiots and cheat. Hopefully whatever the cause for your husband, he'll be able to share with you why he did what he did.

My heart breaks for you. HOW DEVASTATING. I can't imagine the pain I'd feel if my husband did that to me.

As for your children, I get why you're feeling guilt over that. But you've been hit with something so hard, no wonder you are needing time for you to get your feet back under you. Nothing will fix things for your children other than time...and seeing that things are getting better. You continuing to be there for them, keeping them a priority to you, and making sure you ALWAYS listen to their feelings about this (please NEVER tell them they need to just get over it or be done...that doesn't work and only makes it worse).

I think when they see that you are there and will always be there, they will regain trust and a sense of foundation. It's an awful situation, but I think it's great that you feel like you want to work on it. It's a hard thing to decide and each situation is different. Divorce certainly isn't always the answer in cases like this. Again...even if you look solely at the children's needs, it would be more traumatic to deal with a divorce (though if hubby were abusive then that would be different!).

Did this happen at work or something? I hope he doesn't work there anymore...

T.,
My heart breaks for you and your family. Staying or leaving doesn't heal a family. It is how you work through the process. That is what you are teaching your children. As others suggested, find help for everyone in your family. And do not take on this guilt. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of your children (just like the airbags on an airplane). As long as their basic needs are being met and you are trying to do what you can, you are doing what you can.

Our motto in our house is, "Mama's doing the best she can right now."
Big hugs and the warmest wishes for your family right now.

You need to do what you feel is the best for you and your family, and support your children through this time. Whether you stay and work on your marriage or leave, your children need your support. I believe in being as honest as possible with children, letting them know we are human as adults and parents is OK, in my opinion. And yet, they do need to know that you are in charge. Your decision to stay or leave is not a vote. You will decide.

Kids are resilient. If you work on you being OK, they will be OK, too. If family counseling is possible, it can be a good thing for all.

You're definitely NOT an idiot! By staying together and fixing this you're teaching your kids to work hard and value what is important. Your husband made an insanely stupid decision. But your marriage and your family is more important than that. If he is serious about fixing this, then "all ahead full" I say. You and your kids will not heal quickly from this, but it will happen. They WILL be happy and whole again, and stronger too. And so will you:) Keep it up:)

T., I don't think you're an idiot! And there's no quick fix! Just like you and your husband, your kids will have good days and bad days, you'll both just need to be there to reassure them time and time again that no matter what happens in thecworld around them, no matter the mistakes that are made as parents, you love them! Keep the lines of communication open, as it'll be an ongoing dialogue, not a one time conversation, but I wouldn't talk details. My oldest was in kindergarten when his dad walked out, then he was 12 when he left his stepmom - he figured out a lot more of what was happening the second time around and he's asked some really hard questions - several that I've had to tell him are none of his business as a kid. I think what you're teaching your kids is the vows you made and there's a difference between doing that and being a doormat. I have seen many marriages survive an affair and be even stronger! It's not easy, but hanging in there can be worth it!!

Staying in your marriage and developing a healthy honest relationship again will be the best thing you and your husband can do for your children! (as long as things continue to improve) Good luck!

Haven't read the others, but just read your "so what happened."

I must take issue when you state that this is between you and your husband. It is NOT and by everything you've said, you know that it is not.

You have to allow their pain, just as you allowed yourself the 6 week period to go through your pain and confusion (and I'm sure you know its going to take a whole lot more time.) The only thing you can do is listen to them, not fix. As a family you need to work to repair; obviously differently between you and your husband when you are alone, but this is simply not a "happy" time in the family. Sadness and anger are healthy and warrented.

Your kids are also not "broken" just as you are not. They are in pain, but they are not shattered. Be very careful about the messages you give them because as they (all of you) crave stability and using inflated language is not going to help.

The 11 year old has their 11 year old perspective, just as your younger one has theirs, and their concerns should be validated! One is angry, rightfully so. One is sad, and rightfully so. But feeling and acting on feelings are very different. Do you need to make a choice right now? I'm guessing this is not a time to make a choice. You are grieving and those in grief should not make life altering decisions. Let go of the expectation on yourself to make any decisions.

And time, a lot of time, a lot. They (and you) are grieving one reality. Even your husband it grieving. When one reality is shaken to the degree it has, a new reality takes a whole lot of time to build.

Keep us updated and you are not a fool. It takes an enormous amount of courage to forgive and we are not in your shoes!!

Ok, He obvioiusly will keep cheating on you. How does he treat you besides that? If he is cruel then you need to leave because you are teaching your kids how to handle relationships. They will mimic you. If he is nice but can't stay with one chick then if you decide to stay you need to stop making him a priority and focus on the kids. Once a week take one kid out just you and them and just spend time with them. Take them to lunch, to a movie. Talk to talk about their lives not the divorce and not whats going on with you. As for you get an outside interest. Go back to school, go to the gym. Find stuff for you. And start putting money in your own bank account that you must not touch because if he leaves you need a nest egg.

I went back to read your other questions... you said this was the SECOND time he's cheated on you. He obviously didn't believe your pain and betrayed feelings the first time around and decided to disrespect you again and start another affair. Is that someone you want to stay and work on the relationship with? Is this a man you want your daughters looking up to as a role model for their future relationships?

Maybe an actual physical separation would be best until you ALL can decide what is best for the full family unit - including the step daughter.

***T.***
It's not that I think you are a fool - I think you are setting your girls up to accept cheating as a normal course of a marriage or relationship - when we all know that is not a healthy way to view partnerships of such magnitude between two people who state they love each other.