My Son Hates Going to His Granparents!

I would definitly not force him to go back there for now. He is old enough to tell you when he is upset and that is exactly what he is doing. Perhaps a well meaning talk w/grandparents could help to get the process started. I know it will be difficult, however, remember, YOU are his champion, he looks to you to protect him from all the meanness and hurtfull things in the world. It sounds as though Grandma and Grandpa could use a little "time out" from their grandson untill they can learn to treat him better.

Good Luck,
S.

Hi T.,

You might not like to hear this but I would not send my children to there house anymore. When your parents ask you why your children no longer come over you can elaborate and explain to them that your children have been upset by them on too many occasions. That you are not sending your children to their house so they can be treated poorly and belittled. Maybe they will straighten up. I am sorry to hear of your situation.

Why would an adult tease a child in this manner? I think she loves her grandchildren dearly but perhaps she is being a little tougher on him because she believes he is spoiled. I agree with the other moms. I too was a picky eater and textures were an issue. She can feed them and let them know this is what is served, no exceptions. If he is hungry, he will eat, if not, he'll wait till the next meal. He may eat just bread or meat, but most kids do just fine. I think I would discuss the issue with mom and perhaps she could take a little time with him so he knows he is as important to her as the other grandchildren.

Good luck

I went through a similar situation with my husbands mother only it wasn't our son it was me. I finally got so fed up with it that I told my husband that if he didn't talk to her about it that we where not going to be around her anymore. Well he did talk to her about it and she continued do it, so we don't see her much anymore, holidays is pretty much it. I know this may sound harsh but talk to your mother about what is going on, explain how it hurts your feelings that she would treat one of your children like this and that she needs to stop. Tell her that you feel like she is insulting your parenting by saying things like he is spoiled and also she is undermining you parenting by saying things like this in front of your kids. I would also tell her that if she can't stop talking like that around the kids and treating your son differently then the kids cannot come over with out you or your husband being there and the kids will not be spending the night anymore if she can't respect this. Like I said I know this sounds harsh but it is the only thing you can do to get it to stop.

Talk to your mom about his feelings and see what she says. I don't think any grandparent should force food on a child. Young children can be very finicky (sp.?) but they usually grow out of it. It shouldn't be a source of contention between your son and your parents.

Tell grandma to try putting some ranch on his plate or catsup. MY kids usually eat anything with that. I have this day care at home and I have a problem with one child now. He just will not eat anything. Eats to just barely stay alive. I am so mad at this. I am in the gove food program and have to put out the food regardless and just throw it away at every meal. They let their grandma give him whatever he wants whenever. The 9 yr old sister eats and to much. She could gain if she does not watch it but they would guess eat all day long. I have times set they eat and that is the schedule here. He will not eat fruit or veggies or milk. I do not see how any child can be healthy. I was picky too as a child but I ate a little of everything. I was skinny all through until my 50's. I could lose 10 pounds now but not huge. I get children that are on the verge of being obese asking all day when do we eat and what are we eating. I think that mom goes home after here and feeds him more top ramon. He will only eat pasta stuff. Not healthy. He is spoiled. The program tells us to eat a snack or breakfast. Snack have to have two food groups. A grain or fruit of veggie but one. Then meals are a fruit or beggie ( 2 of them) either two fruits or two veggies. milk, grain either rice or bread. They say that whole grain is the best. No white bread. Whole grains clean out our systems. If an adult eats whole grain for three meals they will lose weight. Then we have another snack at 3 and dinner at 6:30. Snack before bedtime. Whole grains, br sugars are better then white. Milk is essential. Years ago I was told that milk was not good for you from some facialist. The fact is osteporosis is caused by not enough calcium. So try to get children to eat those antioxidants. It can pay off in later years. He probably just does not understand humor. My son did not get humor for years. He just would tell me things and then just kiddying came a week later. One time he told me that I did to give him money for a field trip and he had to stay behind all day. I did not know for a week that he went on the field trip. I felt like the world's worse mom. I could have killed him. G. W

You've gotten a lot of responses, so I think you can easily tell you are not alone in having this issue. My MIL is just like your mother; she will even boast "let me keep that kid for a couple of weeks and I'LL have him (fill in the blank--potty trained, eating veggies & cleaning his plate, going to bed on time, etc. etc.)so it's mainly about your mom trying to "fix" what she perceives as "broken." You need to take your child to your pediatrician and talk about the texture problem. All kids have texture issues of some sort, but there are real physiological disorders children can have that are treatable. I believe you should take your child's side on this one. You mom is an adult; she can modify her behavior. I'm not suggesting your child be allowed to do whatever and eat whatever, but making a battleground over food never has worked for anyone; it usually leads to eating disorders. Tell your mom--offer him food, the same as everyone elses, and if he doesn't eat, fine. He doesn't get anything else later. And no more belittling children. That's being a plain old bully, and you know what they say...no one likes a bully. Finally, no more announcing to the other children her editorial comments on how you raise your children. That undermines your authority and confuses the children. Be plain and very frank with your mother--she complies or NO more grandkids staying with her.

If he doesn't want to go, I wouldn't make him. If she askes why he doesn't come over I would be very candid about it. I would tell her it is not her place to parent your son on eating habbits. Grandparents should be there to spoil the kids (moderatly), not shame them. Shame on her! I think she should apologize to you and your son.

Wow. I came from a family that was totally into the eat everything on your plate. When you think that a full grown adult at any one meal should really not eat more food than the size of their fist - think how small a kid's stomach can be. All kids are different, and stuff like that just makes kids have issues with food. It's silly. We should eat because what we are eating is good, not because we must eat it. My mom still tries to get me to eat swiss chard and I still can't keep it down. (frequent throwing up at the table as a child never seemed to get my mom to stop making me eat it....)

So my thoughts for you - I think the meanest thing here is that she's telling your other kids that the youngest is being treated differently - this can only cause conflict in your kids relationship with each other. It's not nice and it's not very adult of someone to tell a kid that. Especially about a 6 year old who doesn't really have any way to defend himself.

The food thing - he'll eat when he's hungry. Teasing kids about food is just bad, and you should let your mom know that.

Good Luck!

LP

When I was growing up (I am only 22) the rule was you eat everything on your plate (it was always a reasonable amout). If mom made it, you eat it. There was no such thing as "I don't like it". Now that I'm grown, I do the same thing with my kids, just not as strictly. I have a 5 year old and an almost 4 year old. If I made it, they have to at least try it. When they go to my husbands parents house, they eat whatever they want, whenever they want. When they go to my moms, they have to clean their plates. BUT, my mom would NEVER bring them to tears over food. It's just food. A grandparent doesn't have that right in my opinion. There is no excuse for making your grandson cry, I don't care if he is spoiled or not. That should not be accepted. I think you need to talk with them too. If you don't have a relationship where you can sit down and talk like adults, then why are they watching your kids? Know what I mean? And if that don't work, they wouldn't be keeping any of my kids anymore, it's not fair to make him be the only one staying home. They need to know that you are serious and your not going to just let it go. If you contenue to force him to go over there, he is not going to trust you to keep him safe. Especially since you know about the problem and have not addressed it...thats allowing him to get picked on. Now, I am all for convencing them to eat (unless they are sickly)but I would not make something that I knew my child doesn't like..thats just mean. An adult making fun of a child is just cowardly if you ask me! They have enough to deal with at school and elsewhere, why do it to them at home (or grandparents house) too? Maybe they don't realize what a big impact it has made on him and your family. But please sit down with them and talk. Good luck!

I was an extremely picky eater when I was little, and if anyone had said that to me, I would have balled up in tears and not eaten for days.

Isn't it interesting how some kids seem to get picked on more by others?

Anyways, I would talk to the grandparents, let them know this is a sensitive issue for him, and that you ESPECIALLY don't appreciate how they set him apart from the other kids (that's a no-no no matter which child is being victimized at the time).

I'm sure, they mean well (my fil is a kidder too), but if it continues after you talk to them, I would just let him stay at home, and they will see that their behaviour is jeapordizing their relationship with their grandson.

Dear T.,
I'm so sorry for this family upset. I know how hard this can be. First of all, let me say, my rule is to always trust your child when they feel they aren't being treated fairly. However, you are lucky enough to have older children who can shed light on what goes on at the grandparents. I would check it out with a totally open mind. Here are the possibilities that I can think of....1)the grandparents are picking on this child for some reason that shows they have a problem; 2)he really is spoiled and they are trying to "fix" it while he is at their house; 3)he has some sensory issues that make food textures a problem which means he really can't eat certain things and the g'parents need to be told this is a legitimate issue. I hope you will do some super sleuthing on this. Sometimes grandparents do scapegoat one of the grandchildren. And, sometimes we do spoil the youngest without realizing it. And, I have a child that will throw up over certain foods and now goes to OT therapy to overcome it. Your older kids should be helpful in figuring this out.
Good luck,
P.

It was interesting reading all the responses. I had to actually reread your post as I thought about this.

When my 4 and 2 year old boys go to my parents to stay, I DO expect them to be parents to my boys. I am leaving them there under their supervision for a period of time. Being raised by my parents, I do know their techniques of parenting pretty well. I also make sure that they know the differences with my boys. For meals, they do have them try new foods, but we do that at home too. I do expect my boys to follow their rules while I am not there (just like in school, etc..) or I should not leave them there without me being there.

I would talk to your mom. You know your relationship with her and how to approach her. Your kids may be telling you the truth or an exagerated version of the truth or pieces of the truth. I already get "different" stories from my boys and they are younger than your kids.

Open communication is the best way to go. If you and your mom can't get on the same page, then your kids shouldn't go there alone.

Your parents have raised kids...they actually have more experience than most of us. They are also human and operated in a different time period. It all plays together for experience.

I would either say something to her to try and correct the problem, or don't send you son over there. When I was 6 (I am now 32)my uncle did the same thing to me. He would make me eat things I didn't like, and I was very picky like your son. I would have rather not eaten than eat some of the stuff he was making me eat.

Since the grandparent/grandchild relationship is so important, I think I would say something. She obviously knows it upsets him if he was crying so hard he was about to throw up, but maybe she still thinks it is no big deal. If I asked my uncle today about him doing that to me for years when I was little, I am sure he would have no recollection, although I hold a huge resentment towards him for it. BUT, my uncle is a jerk in all matters, so it is probably different...he acts in the same manner towards his whole family to this day.

I would just approach her in a polite way and explain again how he is a picky eater...and maybe even offer to bring over his favorite foods if he goes over there. Evem if she gets defensive at first, I am sure she will come around pretty quickly.

Good luck!

Wow! That is sad to me. My parents would never tease my son for not eating to the point of bringing him to tears. I would talk to your parents and point out what an effect it is having on him. Most grandparents dont want their grandchildren to dislike them. I am sure that they dont mean any arm by it but it is having a negative impact on him and it isnt fair for him to be singled out like that. If he doesnt eat then it is his own problem and they should just tell him not to complain that he is hungry later. I am not one to make special meals for each kid so I would just tell him to eat. If he refuses to eat then he is old enough to realize if he is hungry and if he gets hungry enough he will eat whatever they are having. I am sorry I dont have any better advice than this. My son loves going to his grandparents...there are times that he doesnt want to go but not because they are mean.

Hi T. -

I have a VERY picky, texture sensitive 2 and a half year old, who is also pretty emotionally sensitive. I know he would hate going to his grandparents, too, if they teased him like that. I have tried to read up on how to make the shy/sensitive types not SO sensitive. One thing I keep coming across is never force them to do anything (unless absolutely necessary) - or they will have an aversion to it, whether it's food, loud noises, or whatever. Maybe try to explain this to them. I try to kind of make light or playfully state my requests to my parents...like "I know Nathan loves to stay up partying with his best friends, but for the sake of my sanity in dealing with him tomorrow, could you PLEASE put him to be by 8." If they don't listen after that...I'd get tougher on them. HTH :) Good luck!!

I have a sensitive son & an insensitive m-i-l. My DH is like that, too, sometimes, & I tell him it's just because he had to put up with his mother. He was forced to become insensitive because of her.

I've yelled at my m-i-l before for making my son cry over potty-training, & I've told my son to not listen to her in front of her. She's getting slightly better. My DH is getting better, too. I tell them that they will have to learn to work with his personality like he has to work with theirs. Don't make a baby cry just because it's your entertainment.

I have screamed at my DH about making my son cry. I tell him to look at my son, & I ask him if he likes that. Does it make him feel like a man when he makes his son cry. He usually backs off after that.

I would talk to them. Let them know that you won't be forcing him to visit if he doesn't want to. That may help them decide to be more sensitive to him.