My Teenage Daughter Is Out of Control.

Hi, I am not use to this kind of thing. I am not a parent of a child that age, However I have some what been in her shoes. I think. At least This is how I acted at her age. I wasnt lucky enough to be adopted so I grew up in foser care. Have you considered that maybe she is dealing with issues concerning her adoption? Some times kids feel like they would be betraying you( the people they love and care for the most) if they asked about it. Just a thought. I know I took it all out on my foster parents because deep down I knew they loved me. They would do everything to help me no matter how hard I rebeled.
Hope this helps

Hi E.,

When I first saw your email title I thought of how I was a 14 year old - wouldn't wish it upon anyone! I am sorry you are going through so much. It sounds like your daughter is going through a lot too. After reading your situation from last night and other situations at school you have so much to figure out how to stop there is really too much for you to be able to control. I don't know if it makes sense, but I am going to give it a shot. You and your husband must be completely overwhelmed by now. It is time to just stop and somehow start all over again. Eventually, there will be bars on every window and bolts on every door - not to mention her room will be empty of every single thing she owns. It sounds like she is going to keep doing what she is doing until you figure out why she started in the first place. Girls have a tendency to decide what is and is not important based on how they feel at that moment. Your daughter is searching, heavily, to feel good about herself through everything else in the world. The boys (big one), drugs (gotta figure out how serious), and behaviors (anger, outbursts) are her way of showing it is not working. The cutting is a big sign of her searching for a way to stop hurting from something. You are at a battle of wills. And, you just have to stop, slow down a bit, have faith, and try and tap into what your daughter is trying to drown out. Don't interpret my response that she should not suffer the consequences of her actions. She needs to because that is a way for her to understand the depth of what she is doing...but, later in life, the consequences will be so great! As a rebellious young girl the things I did created lots of consequences for me in my life now, and I hate to think of that happening for your daughter. I am sorry if I rambled, I just really hurt for you, your daughter, and family when I read your email.

S.

I was exactly the way your daughter is, when I was that age. My parents put me in a couple of therapy wilderness trips and then a boarding school. Its not cheap but I loved it and will never forget my experience there and the things it taught me. The first wilderness program was SUWS in Idaho and then Explorations in Montana. Both we live out side for 3 weeks and 3 months, respectively. We do many different tasks like making our own fire, food, hiking, biking, rafting but with others that are in the same situation or similar as I was.

Then I went to Shelterwood Boarding school in Westminster Colorado, there is also one in St. Louis area. There were 5 different stages that you have to go through and it is very intensive especially with family and building the relationship and trust back up. School is on campus and it is coed however you are NEVER left alone with the opposite sex. If you would like more information I would love to give you some more.

A psychiatrist never worked for me because I hated them for trying to change me. So I was not going to give them an inch to lean on. We literally sat there the entire time. I dont know how your daughter feels about them but that is the way I felt when I was 14. The harder my parents pushed the harder I did what I was not allowed to do.

I would not put her into a juvenille facility. She needs to be somewhere where someone actaully cares about her and a christian environment. She does not need to be another number.

I feel for you because I never want anyone to go through what I put my parents through and it seems like that is what is happening to ya'll. I am terribly sorry and I will pray that everything works out. Please contact me if you need any info on the wilderness camps or boarding school.

E.
Mother of a 2 1/2 year old daughter.

E., i may not be a mother of a teenager but i have been the out of control daughter once for awhile. i used to cut myself just as your daughter is doing. i did it to take away pain of being upset about other things. i did it so the pain would go away and so i didn't feel the need to tell anyone. she has something thats bothering her enough to make her do that. i never wanted to talk to a therapist either at her age so i'm sure if she doesn't want to do it now the longer she goes ain't gonna make a difference. the cutting however and i really hate to tell u this, but the cutting only helps for awhile the longer she does it and doesn't tell anyone the worse it will get. mine did. take the sharp objects away for awhile. no matter what she doesn't need to be around them. lock them up somewhere and when she needs one then u stand there while she uses it whatever the purpose. they do that in juvenile centers as well. make sure to check her regularly for the cuts they will usually be the stomach, upper arms, and upper thighs, all places that are hidden.
as far as the hitting goes i have never hit my mother, but both my sister and brother have and they both have anger issues. enough to be put on antidepressents. they are dangerous most times even with their own children now. i do agree with the rehab and boot camp those things are the only things that will change her habits right now. right now everything no matter what u say is only going to enrage her to want to do all of these things more. your 8 yr old doesn't need to go through all this as well so by sending the 14 yr old to rehab and boot camp will show your 8 yr old that their are ways to stop doing bad things be it from u as parents or from outside help. but its for the best. its for the safety of everyone. good luck and u r in my prayers. if u need or have any questions of anymore of her behaviors like the cutting cuz u might also want to watch for an eating problem as well then msg me at ____@____.com..

Ok,I hate to hear that you are going through these problems but it sounds like somewhere the rod has been spared. I would take her to some kind of rehab or counsiling to try to find out what is really going on. But you also need to put her in Gods hands. Take her to church get her some prayer. And stop tring to talk stuff out. And this punching you.Don't let her do that to you. She is at an age were peer pressure is crazy and mom and dad are stupid. If you think about it we all were like that at 14. I have a 14 year old son who wants to act crazy from time to time i just act as crazy as he does. But seriously your daugther need some help because if she is cutting on herself she wants some attention from somebody and is not feeling loved. Or this is a biggie call Judge Chistie Little and send her to boot camp.

When you say adoptive, it makes me wonder if there isn't more to the story than you or your husband may know. This of course depends on the age at adoption and the source. A lot of times social service agencies will not release all information to the adoptive parents for fear of a child not be adopted. I know it's an unethical practice, but that's the way it is in some cases. I would have her evaluated by a psychiatricist and if worse comes to worse, you can always press charges against her for "out of control". Good Luck and remember sometimes love has to be tough love. Don't give up, she needs you more now than ever.

Sounds like you might want to check her in to rehab or talk to a counselor. Good Luck - I went through a simular problem when my daughter was a teenager. I have friends that went through the same thing. Please let me know if you need to talk or vent. ____@____.com. RAISING a TEENAGER is not easy.

E.,
I truly feel for you. Your 14 year old is adoptive correct? At what age did you adopt her? Not that not adopted children don't ever act like this. I just thought maybe she is acting out because of being adopted. Needing to know where to belongs. Then again she might be going through the terrible teens. Hitting you is not good the cutting is not good. I have two neices that did it and both issues with drugs and school. One has a alcoholic father and the other didn't have a father and mom died of cancer two years ago. Some kids act out for reasons others well we never know why they do the things they do. My advice is ask your peditrician if that is what she still goes to or a family dr. or the schools counselor for referrals for counseling for her. You need to find out what she is doing all this? She needs to realize that many of the things she is doing is very self destructive. I would definately get counseling for her though. Call Bradford Health services for advice or even Childrens Hospital. Don't let this get any worse than it already is. She can really hurt herself in more ways than one and she is for sure crying out for help. I wish you the best of luck.

L.

Hi, E. my name is H. and I have two children the ages of 6 and 3. I am not where you are but I know that they will eventually reach 14. The first thing that I want to say is no matter what your decision is or how you handle the situation. I would first pray. I know you said that you pray for her but do you pray with her. Do ya'll pray as a family together. This might not be the complete answer but I know this will definately help. Maybe even you and her in your room or hers actually anywhere kneel down and let her hear your prayer for her. She obviously does have some issues that she has not dealt with whether from her past or now. I just read the other responses and the first thing usually listed was put her here or there which it might have to come of that. But God should definately come first. He can carry us through anything even her your daughter. I know that as a child seeing my whole family kneel and pray together influenced me in more ways than can be named. I will definately keep you and your family in my prayers and have faith in him because he can fix anything. I wish you and your family the best and remember you are not alone there are so many wonderful women who would be very willing to listen and support you. Keep your head up and never give up.

Take care

E.,

Your daughter's actions are evident that her heart is not content. I totally agree with the others responses on sending your daughter to an institution. If I was faced with this problem, there would be no doubt to what steps I would take. I would get the authorities involved first. She needs to understand that her actions result in consequences and stand before a judge who decides her fate. That can be a sobering experience in itself. Then as a parent, I would suggest Mercy Ministries. Here's a link to their webpage: http://www.mercyministries.org/test_grad_michelle.html
They work with girls on a spiritual need. The girls that graduate from this program live enriched lives and are transformed by the love of Christ. If your daughter's heart is not changed, her behavior will not change. I will pray for you to have wisdom in making this crucial decision. I will pray for your daughter to be renewed.

I don't have any experience with this one yet. But, I did sneak out when I was about the same age with friends. I can tell you that my parents disiplining (sp?) me, and not giving up on me made me realize how much they love me. If it were my daughter doing this, I think I would try taking her to church every time the doors are open. Get her involved in the youth groups. Be active in the church with her. When I was saved in my teen years I didn't want to have much to do with boys. Church summer camps are great too. If you don't already, try spending some time with her, just the 2 of you. At her age, she probably thinks that she knows every thing, & your're just stupid. I remember those days. Good Luck.

Hello E., will you give me some more information and I will do everything I can to help you out with your daughter.. I know you said she was 14 but how long has she been with you and your husband? are the 8 and 14 year old sisters? when was the adoption final? I know you think none of this matters but trust me it does! Is her birth parents anywhere around? was she taken away by the courts? You said she started sneaking out in December, what about the trouble at school, when did it start and what kind of drugs is she on? you said you caught her but not the school and that she goes to therapy once a week, how long has she been in therapy, and is it the same therapist? I will be waiting to hear from you and I hope I can help. I was just telling my husband about this (he is a police officer for 21 years) and he of course started asking my same questions...and yes he said you should have called the cops but you act at times without thinking it out so it's ok... I hope we can help... D.

E.-

It hurts to hear what you are going through. Like many, I have been there, but I was the one out of control. Sadly, it took well past 14 for me to see this and decide to turn it around. You have time to redirect your daughter as best you can before these destructive tools she is using to cope become an ingrained way of life for her.

Someone mentioned that it's a battle of wills. They're right- but not one you will ever win if she can help it. Trying to control her will only make her push harder and further. Sounds crazy, but surrendering to the situation, realizing you can't control it, may be the only way. Hand her, her behavior, her self-destruction, all over to people who know what to do. In-patient treatment, juvenille detention, boot camp- these are all good ideas. Talk to people who do it, ask their advice, take it, and let her fight them! Love her through it no matter what. "We love you too much to let you keep doing this to yourself" is all I ever heard. Eventually it made sense. But, obviously, brace yourself because this is going to get harder. Just remember- this has become a fight to save her life and her future. She needs you to be strong and relentless in your willingness to help her.

And in the mean time- TAKE DOWN HER BEDROOM DOOR! Seriously... she has forfeited her right to privacy and she's a danger to herself. It's never hopeless. Don't give up!

What do you mean by losing all priveldges? Does she still have a cell phone, and get to talk to people? Tell her she is down to nothing- including clothing from the Salvation Army. Expect for her to have chores and responsiblities around the house-which she will have to earn back. Also, consider taking her to juvie to see what that experience is like. Have her volunteer, so that she see's the advantages she has. Get her involved in all sorts of things, like volunteer activities, church and school, so that she doesn't have time to do the other stuff. Take the door to her room off the hinges. All of this might sound extreme, but she is crying out for help, and needs to be taken seriously. Allow her to earn her privledges back. And talk to her!

E.,

I hate that you are having to go through all of this. I know what you are going through. I, too, have a 14 year old daughter and have gone through some very similar things. The sneaking out (or trying to), trying to sneak a boy in, the cutting, we've been going through all all of this for a while too.

It seemed like from the moment she turned 13, the little girl that lived here disappeared and this hateful "being" took her place. I hate to sound harsh, I love her with all of my heart and would do anything in the world for her, but she has really put this family through a very rough year.

You said that she has tried counseling....does that seem to be doing anything at all?? I had tried just about every avenue myself and was quickly running out of options when I ended up getting her into a counselor once a week. (I even went as far as to start looking up "boot camps" on the internet in front of her, hoping that would put some fear in her.) My daughter's hard-headed enough that if it bothered her, she never let me know it. After having her meetings with her counselor (along with having everything taken away from her), she started to change a litte.

Don't get me wrong, we've been going through this for a few months now, and even though she seems to be doing better...well, I keep waiting on the other shoe to fall! The counselor finally suggested that I meet with them. I met with both of them for the first time last week. It helped us to communicate with each other without yelling or getting off track of the issue at hand.

Something else you might want to try.....you might talk to a juvenile officer. I would go alone or call first while you are alone. (This was going to, and may still end up being my next move) You could try talking to a juvenile officer and asking him/her if they would talk to your daughter. The thing is....if things don't turn around soon, the odds are you're going to get to talk with one of them whether you want to or not. I say that because I worked in the legal profession for several years and that's usually the next step...they sneak out and end up in trouble. At least if you talk to one now, maybe you can head it off before it gets that bad. I've known of juvenile officers talking to kids before and letting them know what the consequences of their current actions can get them into. Sometimes it scares them into making some changes for the better.

Other than that...I just don't know what else to do or have any advice to give. I never put my parents through this, so this has been completely foreign to me. Too bad they don't come with instructions!

Let me know how things go...good luck and if you need someone to talk to, just send me an email.

If you have insurance I would check out Penninsula Village. It's a great residential program for out of control youth.

Let me just say. I know where your daughter is coming from and that is because I was her along time ago. I tell you the only thing that straighted me out was just a few hours in juvenial hall. Next, time she hits you or sneaks out call the police and let them take care of her just for a few hours and if that doesn't straighting her out nothing will. Best of luck to you.

My sister was in the same situation. My mom sent her to a juvenille facility and it didn't do much but it took moving and getting her away from her "friends" and the situation for her to "start over". I see your girls are adopted. How long have they been in your care?? Did something happen before possibly that could make her feel such anger?? Are her and the other girls biological sisters?? Have you had any other problems?? I would definately keep up the discipline and if she has a computer or phone in her room take them out and when you go to bed take the phones w/ you. If she can't call them that will make it harder for her to sneak them in. I would take her bedroom door down as well. It may seem harsh but she can't hide that way. Does she get a lot of positive attention from you?? Maybe she needs more?? I would also give her more responsibility to keep her busy. How are her grades?? Maybe you could talk to her counselor....

hello my name is berni im so sorry for your troubles i know what you are going through and it is very hard for you ! it sounds like she has had a tramatic childhood or something to that effect i would pray also mabey try a different therepest? but my daughter has been in therepy as well for a drug problem befor she got help i thought i would go crazy she is 22 it was hard to get her help with out her consent but finnally it happened thank god! i would try in-patient treatment thats the only thing thaT WORKED FOR MY DAUGHTER BELIEVE ME!

I too went through all these issues as a teen. I came from a very loving home and was never put through foster care. Although, I was still very sexually active, cut on myself, abused LSD, pot and alcohol. I think you are on the right track by loving on her and think you should certainly consult her therapist before considering a wilderness camp or bording school. Could be that the last thing your daughter needs is to be shipped off again. I truly believe it is a phase that she is going through and will hopefully soon outgrow. I fooled around with guys because I enjoyed the attention (even though I wasn't lacking any) and when I got into trouble was when I was off doing things I shouldn't have been doing. I strongly encourage weekend family activites. My parents even let my long term boyfriend tag along for family trips just to get me in the car (but I am sure I would have gone either way). I also went through several therapists before I found the right one. My Mom made a joke years later about trying so many different ones but I'm a firm believer that your childs comfort level with opening up to someone is priceless. I also used Tofernil (sp?) for a little while and then felt enough better to request to be taken off of it. Before the anti depressents I slept through class, cried to myself all the time and also used many destructive things as outlets. I now am 31 and have a 2 and 3 yr old daughter. My husband and I have been together 10 yrs. I of course cringe when I think about them putting us through the same stuff that I did. My mother had to work full time so I think being a SAHM is terrific. I am doing the same for as long as possible. Just continue to be there for her and when it comes to discipline be consistent. Does she have a cell phone? if so temporarily take it away to try and cut off her ties with bad connections. call her friends parents if she is staying the night over. I look back on the times that my Mother gave me the silent treatment and those were the times when it hurt me the most but that may be totally different for your daughter. Most teens would probably enjoy that. Just know that she will look back one day and really respect you for all the effort you made to take care of her. If anything I have a stronger relationship with my mother as a result of what we went through and how she never gave up on me or turned me away. I do think some kids need medication but I know research and consultation is important due to all the contraversy surrounding some. Take care and good luck. Would love to hear back in a year to see how things are going so I will have some tips from you on how to get through it with my girls. Keep up the great work!