Need a Boost (Just Venting)

Its totally normal to feel that way. Whe I had my third I went through an odd funk and wondered about myself as a mom. It's only because my other two girls were wanting the attention I gave the baby. I thought they would never stop, but they did. It will just take some time to get into a routine, but you definilty need sleep and not to feel guilty about it!! Things don't have to be perfect for everyone to be happy!

Mom,
I would consider getting a mother's helper to come in and help you out until your daughter is bk in school. The other option is Grandma help if you have some near by. The mom's helper can be a neighborhood girl that is nice and trustworthy probably about 13+ yrs old. Talk with the girl you ask and meet with her mom too so they know what she will be doing to help out and what is expected of her. You can pay her $5 hr to entertain you daughter and play with her inside and out so you can get some rest. THe girl can play games, help your little girl her clean her room etc and watch her for you a few hrs a week, while you are at home if this woud help. If you have mother in laws that could help out too that would be great. Maybe they can take your daughter to thier house to spend some time with her a few hrs a few days a week so you can get some rest and care for the new baby. Most G-mas would love to do this. ANother idea, have you and your husband set up a daily chore list for your daughter? If not I would do it now since she is old enough to do some basic thing to help out around the house. The list might include her making her bed daily, keeping her room clean, putingt her clothes in the hamper, helping out with simple things around the house, loading and unloading dishwasher, vacuuming some areas of house a like dusting, setting and clearing dinner table etc, even helping prepare dinner, like salad making etc. If you set these things up as a reward system to help you and your husband with the house since hse has a sibiling she will feel a sense of being the older big sis. If you want you can tie rewards in with this like going to a movie, w/ Dad or out to eat on the weekend, going to do a special thing like bowling with Dad, a playdate with a friend, or even a small monetary reward. IF you do the monetary reward set a dollar amt per week for her for allowance. Base how much she gets on the chores she completes each week. If she does all you have asked and listed clearly on a chore list for her to see, she gets the full amt. If she does only 1/2 the jobs then she gets 1/2 . We did this with our daughter at about your girls age and it worked for us. We continue to do it now in her early teens and she helps out with more challenging things like vacuuming.bathroom cleaning, dinner assist, laundry folding for whole family, trash etc. Hope thig helps, it will instill a sense of responsibility for your girl. It will also help her learn how to do things so when she is on her own in college and beyond she will be better prepared to live on her own.
I hope things will get better 4U Mom, You sound like a good and caring Mom and are blessed to have a good husband and sweet healthly children too.

If you can I would talk to a counselor or therapist, to me it sounds like depression since you are having issues sleeping (I know that you have a new born but even with hubby telling you to sleep while he takes car of the kids and you still can not sleep when tired is sometimes s sign of depression). Also with the way you have written this you seem down, maybe not depressed but could be going down that road so maybe outside help from a counselor or therapist might be helpful. I have struggled with depression on and off since highschool and most of the time I can easily conquer it with the tips my therapist gave me, other times when life overwhelm me I do into a downward spin into depression.

With your older daughter sit down as a family and maybe write out a list of chores & rules, example: Must clean up room before playing outside, must finish homework before playing outside, add in something she suggests that you agree with so that she feels apart of the family. This gives them a sense of value and "control" in a time of changing. Your oldest sounds like a wonderful girl so maybe involving her in writing down the house rules might work for her.

You are a wonderful mother, remember to focus some time into your well being.

Don't be so down on yourself!! These feeling happen because you are very overwhelmed right now. I would just get some help until you get your sleep caught up. Once your 8 year old is back in school all day it will help. She is probably bored right now and I know when my kids are bored they can be a major pain in the butt. She knows you are down and overwhelmed right now so she is pulling out the "you love her more then me" card. I would not take it as a personal attack! She does what she can to get her way because that is what kids do. It will take a while for her to get used to the fact that she has a baby sister that is around now also. Summers are hard on everyone because there is a change in the unfamiliar routine. Once you get you routine back then things will be a lot easier. Everyone just had a major change and there will always be new things to adjust to but it will be a whole lot easier when you have enough sleep.

I whole heartedly agree with Joanne, and would add that you are pretty harsh on yourself. All kids are challenges at some point, and 8 year old girls are especially emotional little beings. (I say this as I see my neighbor girls' daily drama unfold and it usually consists of hurt feelings, tears, and yes, refusal to come inside and stop playing.) That's normal.

Don't focus too much on the clean room. A clean room was TOTALLY not on my list of priorities until I was a teenager. My mom used to lock my sister and me in our room all day on Saturdays and thought that if she did so that we'd finally clean our room. Nope. We just played in there and sang with the radio. I think it'd have been different if she'd have watched over us as we cleaned, but she never did. Maybe you could bring a comfy chair in her room and sit and feed the baby and sing songs with her as she cleans up.

I only have one so I can't say I know how you feel, but I will say a prayer for you. From seeing my freinds with 2 or more, I would suggest regresssing a bit with your 8 year old, and sit and read to her. Let her snuggle etc. - it seems that the older ones don't always ask for it anymore, but they really need is a good cuddle and one on one time to make them feel special.

It is so hard. My boys are 7 1/2 years apart . #1 son had been an only child for so long that he melted down once he wasn't the center of the universe. It takes time because you have a new family now. You all have to get used to the changes. I'm sure you haven't "missed the mark" 8 yr olds are tough. She is going through her own stuff right now and frankly you are so tired it makes everything harder. Shoot me now, but if you are nursing the baby just put her in bed w/ you and that way you can just roll over in the middle of the night and not have to completely wake up. Get some sleep!! You DON'T have to do everything! Is your husband helping you out? Meals ,laundry, vacuum etc...? You did grow a human. He can do a couple loads of laundry.

Okay, at some point, decide what's more important; fighting with your daughter about doing what you want or a happy child. Yes some discipline is necessary. 1. at the cost of your own well being? 2. where's hubby's help when he suggests taking a nap? Can he take over while you do? I think so. You're no good if you're totally wiped out.

If hubby isn't able to come to the rescue, find an acquaintance who can step in while you rest. It won't be all the time, just until you can recoup a little.

First of all try and remind yourself that all of these felling are normal...we feel at one time or another we are not being the best mother that we can...

Then remember these normal feelings are amplified about 500 times by all of the pregnancy hormones still in your system. And amplified another 200 times by lack of sleep (they used to use lack of sleep as torture for prisoners of war...it has sense been outlawed...but tell that to a baby that needs to be fed every 2 to 3 hours round the clock).

You are a great mom because you are worried about your kids and about being able to handle it all...a bad mom wouldn't care.

Your 8 year old is well...being an only child now forced to share mommy and she isn't going to to like it...but one thing in your favor is school should be starting soon and you will have a bit of a reprieve during the day to nap with baby and rebuild your strength.

If you can find someone to come hold the baby and keep an eye on your 8 year old...you will be surprised how much just a good long nap...like 5 to 6 hours straight will give you more clarity. If you have a hard time getting to sleep melatonin is a great natural sleep aid...only stays in your system for an hour just to help you get to sleep, but you won't wake up groggy. The kind that dissolves under your tongue is quick and easy.

Also don't discount talking to your OB/GYN about this if some sleep doesn't help you feel better...they are there to help you get out of this funk, if it is more than the baby blues. Call then they will get you right into the office.

Your 8 year old can be dealt with when you are in a better frame of mind to put your foot down to her behavior...right now let her play outside and watch some tv...send her straight to her room and close the door if she is having a crying fit...she can cry in her room away from you. In a few weeks, when you are feeling better, THEN start working on getting her back in line, but a few weeks for you to catch you breath isn't going to effect her long term.

Sending you a huge HUG!! This mothering thing isn't for wimps...we have to stick together. You can message me if you need a pick me up, you can make it!!

If you don't do it yet I would suggest a "rest" time every afternoon. Tell you daughter she has to be in between say 1 and 3 or 12 and 3. she can read a book then watch a movie. in the same room you take a nap in. so on the couch or whatever. the only rule is she has to be quiet and stay in the same room. make it right after lunch. feed baby and put her to bed. then have a rest time with your older one. She is probably really feeling displaced right now. Has your daughter had her room updated recently? it may be time to spend some time with her and let her choose a new color for the walls or new sheets and bedspread etc. I found my daughter who is 6 years older than her brother loved getting to be the "big" sister. do you let her help with stuff with the baby? holding her? feeding her if your not breast feeding etc? packing the diaper bag (with you checking it after of course lol) The not sleeping thing is hard. I ended up having to get an rx for that after the 2nd son was born. I could hear him crying all the time even when he wasn't in the night time. but a really good nights sleep takes a huge amount of the stress off. take the kids and go for a walk. that always helped me also.

Oh you are for sure not alone and parenting is not easy. You say that you wonder why God would give you another child because you think you made a mess the first time. Your daughter sounds great, the fact that she has a kind sharing heart says the opposite. What you have is an 8yr old and this age is it seems similar to the terrible 2's. My daughters are exaclty the same don't want to clean and don't want to do their work, the more frustrated and tired i get the worse they get. My friends kids are the same way, My oldest daughter now 10 but developementally she is much younger also was jealous of her sister, i started to try and do special things with her when Katilin was asleep or I got a babysitter for an hour or so and took her to the library or something and we still try to do this. It does help. Good luck and God Bless .

It sounds like you may have a bit of post partum depression. I would talk to your doctor about it. I did and am currently on Zoloft. The weepiness has lessened, and I have been seeing a psychologist, and that is helping too. Even just talking about it and finding out that it is normal, has helped me. Sorry, but I don't have any help for the 8 year old.

First, if you have someone that can take both girls for overnight, DO IT. You are wearing yourself down, which makes you crabby and you will get sick. I was in the same situation after my daughter was born and my son was 2 1/2 at the time. My daughter did not sleep through the night for numerous months, due to a minor physical thing. I went back to work part time and after 15 years at the company felt like a demotion. The supplements I took, which I was told were natural kept me somewhat awake but ended up severely hurting my health (went off those when I found what they did) and as a result I was a wreck. So sleep deprived and nutritionally deprived DEFINITELY not good.

You need to take care of YOU so that you can take care of your children. You know you love both girls, your 8 year old is "playing" you. Many kids do that. So get rid of the guilt. Parenting is never easy and it's called tough love. If you don't get tough now, it will only get worse. What I did with my kids when they were that age is, I told them to do or not to do something once, if they didn't listen I told them again, but if got to a third time automatically they were punished. Take something away she loves (ie game, tv, etc) for a reasonable amount of time and stick to it (that's the even tougher part).

Get sleep and get out on a date with your husband. Us moms need to put ourselves first so that we set good examples for our children. If you put yourself last, they will do that when they have children.

Many blessings to you and know that you are not alone.

Your husband sounds supportive - whencan he take 1 (or both) girls out for an hour or two so you can nap, or at least have the house to yourself for quiet time? 8 years is a big age gap - your oldest is just old 'enough' to verbalize her feelings, whereas a toddler would probably regress in potty training or be less vocal about her feelings.
I could still be postpartum, though - don't discount that. Nothing is wrong with that, and it can be addressed appropritely with your doctor at your next check up.
When your little one is a month or so older, maybe your 8 year old just wants some one on one time? Make sure your husband gets involved, too, with her discipline so it's never 'you' against 'him', so to speak.

Getting your 8 year old to read could be really simple...find out what REALLY interests her: hobbies, or adventures...when my middle daughter as about 8 she started reading the"Little House" series. I think it was sparked by the pioneer history class at school. The history grabbed her a bit, I got her the books and ever after was a great reader AND student.
As for the crying etc...she has been dethroned aftter being the only child for 8 years! Those feelings are totally normal. All you can do is reassure her, spend alot of time with her when baby is napping or whatever. Love on her alot. Keeping her room clean...just my opinion...it's her room. If she doesn't pick it up it's her problem ie: can't find things, no clean clothes, embarrassing when friends come over. Shut the door, don't look at it and give her the choice of being orderly or living messy. Don't major in the minors...choose your battles. At this time only 6 weeks into a new sibling give her a little break! It's an adjustment for everyone and looks like her way of coping is by trying for negative attention and pressing your buttons. Relax, this will pass.

Do you spend as much time with your 8 year old as you do with the baby? This might be something to think about.

Does she spend time with you and the baby? Maybe having all 3 of you do things might help.

Make going outside a reward for cleaning her room. Would she clean her room if you were there with her?

Good luck! I have 4 boys...it does get better!

I don't know how many responses you've had, but you might want to talk with your doctor or midwife about whether you might have postpartum depression or not. It's not at all uncommon and is very treatable. I hope you're feeling like your old self soon. Congratulations on your new baby. S.

The first three months with a newborn can be hell, no matter how ideal the situation is. Its overwhelming!!!!! However, THAT does go away as they age! :)

Get your nap. Bring 8 year old inside and have her do something quiet for at least 30 minuets (set a timer) so you can lay down, even if you don't sleep you will rest. An 8 year old does not have the right to play all day long! They need to be your little helper, and an 8 year old can do a TON of stuff! Teach her how to pick up the messes in the house, even to use a vacuum (my 3.5 year old is learning this now, its just a bit heavy), or dusting. Washing dishes (again my 3.5 year old LOVES to do this, and she's kinda good at it, but I'm sure will be independent at it when she's 8). You are not a mean mommy to require your daughter to help you around the house. She's not a princess and you the maid! Everyone in the household needs to work to keep it clean and functional. You are giving her a GIFT, a good work ethic, that will benefit her the REST OF HER LIFE. Just because you didn't know better when she was younger does not mean you can bring things into line now.

The sibling rivalry is very common (I don't like to use the word normal because it has the connotation that you don't need to address it and it will go away on its own - not true!). My 2.5 year old did many of the same things when the baby came home. She was not as expressive, but acted out a lot! Very destructive, regressed on potty training, mean to baby... I made the mistake of not dealing with a lot of the issues and now a year later my 3.5 year old is a HAND FULL! We've made a lot of progress with a zero tolerance on being rebellious. This includes saying no, ignoring me, doing something similar to what I asked - but not quite what I asked, hitting/kicking/pinching, screeching, talking back, being negative, etc... It took about 6 weeks to get things under control again (meaning not spending ALL DAY) doing it. My biggest advise would be, don't let her get away with stuff while you're nursing! Better to put down a screaming baby and deal with rebellion immediately, then to wait 30 min for baby to eat and fall asleep before dealing with it.

Anyway, I know that this sounds exhausting and you're already exhausted, but investing some training in the big sister will pay off!

Best wishes!