Need Advice for 2Nd Grade Daughter Crying Everyday When I Drop off at School

Lots of good suggestions below. I just wanted to add that you could get her the book "The Kissing Hand" It's about a raccoon who is afraid to leave his mother and go to school. I used it with a granddaughter who was hospitalized and frightened. It was a behavioral health hospital and no one was allowed to spend the night. We read the book, I kissed her hand and left. The nurses said she rubbed her hand on her cheek all night with a smile on her face!

If she's really not eating, talk with the teacher about any other issues. Someone should be observing her at lunch just to see what's going on at the lunch table. I wouldn't usually suggest this, but I have to wonder if she's experiencing something socially or if there's an anxiety disorder happening. Let the teacher know that your daughter isn't eating, because that also means that she's really not prepared for an afternoon of learning.

I'd also check in with the school counselor or psychologist if it's affecting her well-being. This sounds like more than "I don't want to stop talking to eat my lunch".

Definitely don't have lunch with her. Some ideas are good in theory, but it's important to stop if they aren't working.

My boys rarely want to think about food in the morning. They are not morning people, so I try to let them sleep as late as I can. I give them Carnation Breakfast Essentials. Some days they drink it before we leave. Other days they drink it in the car on way to school. But it does fill them up and keep them happy until lunch.

If she doesn't eat her lunch, does she like what's in her lunch? I'm sure you already thought of that, but I just wanted to check. Make sure she likes what you pack in her lunch.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but can you just homeschool?

A friends daughter was the same. My friend told her that if she still didn't want to go to school after 1st grade, she'd homeschool her. Her daughter is so happy at home.

I let my kids decide. I've encouraged homeschooling, but I do ask if they want to go to school. They prefer being home.

You have no idea how many homeschooled kids were just like your daughter. The anxiety disappeared as soon as they got to stay home. It really isn't natural for kids to be away from home for that many hours a week. This is a new invention, just a few hundred years old.

Mine was same. Tummy upsets and she was sick (actually threw up) first day of school.

I knew I just had to take control because she was getting worked up. So I told her enough was enough. I said it's absolutely fine to be nervous. It's absolutely ok if you throw up - we'll clean you up. And you can cry. That's ok. But we still have to be out door by ....

I was just matter of fact about it. I gave her this little smooth stone that I called my 'courage stone' - I told her I'd lend it to her for courage and she could give it back to me when she didn't need it any more. She hasn't yet but she no longer has it in her pocket. That first week, she carried it around with her.

My husband did drop offs because he's even more matter of fact than I am. He just wiped her tears, let her hang over the toilet if she had to, and said "Ok off we go to have some fun" when he dropped her off.

Now we're just at sniffles.

I knew mine loved school, dance, going to friends, etc. So I knew it wasn't anything other than having spent the summer with me and just finding it hard to transition back to school.

If I were to go to lunch or draw out goodbyes, it would have been disastrous.

I also did not reward her. Just gave her the stone. I don't want to get into any routines I don't want to keep up.

Therapists can be really helpful with coping techniques for kids if needs be. She sounds fine other than the lead up and the actual dropping off. Not eating at school could still just be an upset tummy after the morning upset. As long as she eats later on in the day and once she's home (supper, etc.) then she's probably ok.

Can you get her to talk through what is making her nervous and go through the worst case scenarios? For my little one it was "But I will misssssss... you". I said "You didn't yesterday. Did you even think about me or were you so busy having fun you didn't notice?". She said she was too busy. So I said "It will be like that today".

Good luck :) I know it's super hard and very hard on your emotions. That's why I had my husband do it for a while.

My daughter has anxiety and emetophobia (fear of vomit, yes it's a real thing!) so I get it. Please get her a therapist, like NOW, because it will only get worse, and it will affect every aspect of her life, not only physically (germ fear, not eating/drinking, obsessive hand washing, etc.) but socially, she won't want to travel, stay at anyone else's house, be away from you, etc. My daughter was 12 years old when she had her big breakdown and it took over a year for her to learn how to deal and cope. It was a nightmare, for all of us, but especially her :-(
Please call her doctor, and get some referrals for therapists that specialize in anxiety disorders in kids/teens in your area. It's more common than you think, which means getting help could take several months.
Please PM me if you want further advice/info!

This can be pretty typical -- but if it's not typical for HER, especially since school is not a brand new thing for her, something could be going on. Likely she will just stop very soon on her own, so I agree with not lunching there and I would add: Make mornings very swift and businesslike; ensure her bag is packed up the previous night, lunch packed and in its bag, every scrap of clothes laid out right down to the socks (and no dithering to try on different clothes). Get her to make the clothing choices, pack the lunch, etc. and treat it like a big, fun privilege. If she dawdles over breakfast, give her X minutes to eat and then the food goes into the fridge and she gets a sliced apple and cheese stick (or whatever) on the way to school.

Basically, try to get her out the door briskly in the mornings, so you need less of the distracting just to keep her going. If you drop her at school (no bus), then do not walk her to her classroom door or even to the door of the school -- stop a certain distance away and make that your "meeting point" for both morning and afternoon. Again, don't let her think that all this is some punishment for her tears--no! Be clear that this is just a way to get to school smoothly and fast and to give her more choices and fun regarding clothes and food. Then drop the topic and just get her there.

With the behavior: So this is new? She wasn't like this with first grade or kindergarten? Does she separate from you willingly and without tears in other situations besides the start of the school day?

Those answers do matter. If this is new and related just to school, just so far this school year, then possibly there's some reason specific to her school day that is making her anxious. If this really is a change compared to her past behavior regarding school, then I would let the teacher know that -- say that you are aware it's pretty typical for some kids to do this but it's not typical for her. The teacher reports that she's fine once you leave and that's great, but I would want to ask about other things in her day, especially if this continues much longer. Because bullying is so much on the radar right now, the teacher might immediately say, "Nobody's bullying her" etc. but this is not necessarily about that; even small things can stress a kid in ways that we adults don't always understand. So think through some possibilities:

--Is the class size a lot larger than last year, so maybe she is feeling lost in the crowd?
--Maybe the teacher (or an aide, or another "specials" teacher in music or gym) scolded a kid in a way that has made her fear that person? (And bear in mind, what a second grader considers to be "He was really yelling at so and so, it was scary" might be no more than a slightly raised voice to an adult, but sometimes kids hear any firmness as "yelling" in their minds.)
--Could she be having problems with other kids? I hesitate to say "bullying" because that gets thrown around a lot for cases that aren't really bullying (targeted and sustained), but it's worth digging into it.
--Is she now separated from some buddies who were in first grade with her and she's not with her friends now, and that has her feeling lost?
--Does she know any older kids, including older siblings, who might have talked up how tough this teacher is, or how hard second grade will be, etc., and she's stressing out anticipating that?
--With the vomiting fear, could she have seen a kid vomit and that freaked her out, or the adult response upset her? She doesn't even have to have seen it herself; some kids by second grade are very adept at telling horror stories to other kids just to freak them out, and if she's sensitive she might have heard about something that has her overly worried now about vomiting or seeing someone else vomit. (Even some adults have a particular horror of vomit, their own or someone else's, so it's not totally unknown to have this kind of fear, but it shouldn't be making her this upset.)

Most importantly, has anything changed outside school to make her clingy toward you in particular? New home/move, marital issues, new sibling, a not-new sibling who needs a lot of attention right now for whatever reason...?

Once you think about whether any of those changes or issues might apply to her, talk to your daughter. Don't do it on a school morning when she's still sleepy and has woken up resistant -- do it at some neutral time when school is a little way off, like on a weekend, and while you and she are sitting at the park; or take her out, just the two of you, for pizza (no siblings around for this conversation). Don't grill her but talk -- Does she like the other kids, does she ever run into Friend who is not in her class this year...

This is all very likely to pass soon, but if you think there is a little something going on, it's worth reassuring her about it. There is really nothing you can do about a large, overwhelming class, or the loss of her buddies who aren't sitting next to her this year, or even a little fear of a new teacher. But you can make clear that you do take her concerns seriously and listen to them--at the same time you get her out the door more swiftly.

I also suggest seeing a psychologist for this. They can help with coping skills, cognitive behavioral therapy, exposure therapy, breathing techniques for anxiety and more. You might be able to just go to a few sessions and help her learn some ways to combat the anxiety. I'd definitely keep her in school though, since taking her out would allow her to avoid her fears entirely and would contribute to a huge amount of additional anxiety when she has to face those same fears in the future. When you avoid things, your confidence takes a nose dive and you learn to avoid anything that tests your discomfort. I'm on the fence about the lunch situation. I have a similar situation with my daughter and I have been staying with her at an activity that is causing her anxiety right now. I know she feels better when I'm there, so I'm trying to ease her stress a little by staying close for now and then I'll start slowing switching things up and dropping her off instead. I think I'd try something similar in your case. Keep going to ease her stress, and then start backing off slowly, but only staying for 1/2 the time or going less often and see how it goes. It's a tough question though, since you are only there once a week and she seems distressed the whole time you are there.

well, a lot of this falls within the normal range, just at the far end of the 'anxious' end of the spectrum. so that calls for calmness, routine, firmness, understanding and soldiering on.

but the fact that her anxiety is still this extreme after battling through it in kindergarten and first grade already, with no improvement and even some worsening, indicates a kid who probably needs further help.

i doubt you're making it worse by having lunch with her, but it should for sure have passed already. what does her doctor say?

i'd homeschool her, but that's not always an option, and can in certain cases (if a child is overly coddled, or the parent and child are feeding off each other's anxieties for example) it could make it worse.
khairete
S.

i would talk to the pedi to rule out anything health wise with the not eating and saying her tummy hurts.
you are probably making things worse by having lunch with her once a week. if she is fine a few minutes after you leave then don't worry about it too much. talk to her to find out if shes being teased or bullied that would make her not want to go to school.
as for drop off give her kisses and reassurances that you will see her at ____ when school is over for the day.
friend of mine had to do a rewards chart with her son because he was having issues only at dropoff once he was in class he was fine all day. now he gets a treat on friday after school if he was not a hysterical mess at dropoff. he was doing better with that. (her son is in K) so that could be an option if you don't find a valid reason for your daughter to have such isues at dropoff

I absolutely understand what you are going through. I really do.

YES, you need to stop going to have lunch with her. I think you have the right idea by wanting to reward her with something if she can keep it together at drop off without crying, etc. But, please, choose something else.

For example, after school everyday you can decide if she did a good job going into class without crying, etc. Then reward her immediately with a treat with mom. Maybe you go out for ice cream once a week or give her 10 extra minutes to play the Ipad. Something like that.

If the teacher says she is ok after class, I would trust what she is saying. Your daughter may be sensitive to transitions and/or sensitive to separation from you. It's really important to work on this... Try using these positive reinforcers and see if it makes a difference.

You need to stop going. If she's going to work through this you need to drop her off and don't come back until you pick her up for the day. If she asks you why you aren't coming to lunch tell her that it makes you sad to see her cry. SO being around her when she's crying isn't fun/easy/sad/etc...

Tell her if something is wrong she needs to tell you. If this is new behavior I'd be concerned and push a bit, when it's open, to see if she shares anything. If nothing is wrong then let her cry and don't look back, don't wave bye from the car, nothing except let her get out of the car then drive off once someone makes sure they have her.

Kids who are crying for no apparent reason other than they don't want to go find they can control everyone around them when they cry and everyone comes running or they hang around and don't leave.

It's horrible for moms though. If dad can take her, or a neighbor, anyone else but you then that might make a huge difference too.

Something needs to happen and it would appear that it's you leaving school quicker and not returning until school is out or having someone else take her and pick her up.

Yes, you are making it worse by going to see her at lunch.

When I was in HS, I worked at a home daycare center. It is very common for kids to cry at drop off. The longer the parents lingered and stretched out their goodbyes the harder it was on the child. We use to encourage the parents to leave quickly. Say goodbye, and tell your child you are fine, you are going to have a great day and exit quickly. We used to tell the parents to peek in the window on their way out. As soon as the parent was out of sight the child would be absoultly fine.

My two thoughts are 1) she isn't getting the school work and is frustrated/scared/embarassed & falling
behind. 2) Somebody at school is giving her a hard time or bullying her.
I'd look into both. As far as "not getting the school work", get her a tutor. If it's that she doen't
have friends encourage her to invite a friend to come over or go to the mall. Let her see her old friends
and encourage her to make new friends that are in her class telling her that it will make her life better.

My daughter had a tough 2nd grade too after a great 1st grade. Part of it was because most of her friend were together, in another class and a group of other girls who had been together in 1st grade were in her class and already tight. She cried many mornings. I think 2nd grade is also a time when they start being aware of differnt kinds of friendships. in K and 1st grade everyone is friends with everyone. Then around 2nd grade kids start forming little groups. If your child isn't in one of those groups they will feel left out. Years later (my daughter is now in college) my daughter told me that she and another boy would cry every morning and when it came time to return to the class after specials (art, music, library) the two of them would cry again. I also remember crying in 3rd grade when we had moved across the country - not at school or in the neighborhood - but in sunday school. And probably because it was a small group of girls who were all friends and I was all by myself.
My suggestions: - encourage her the night before - be positive - tell her how proud you are of her and that you know she'll be able to go into school without crying, tell her again in the morning about how confident you are in her - that you know she will smile at the world and be like a light bulb shining bright. Tell her that you'll do something special after school - if that's possible - play in the park, invite a friend over, etc. Encourage her to invite a class friend over after school. At the end of the day tell her how proud you are of her - that she smiled and went off into school without a tear. Pour on more positive praise. And stop going up to meet her for lunch. If she asks tell her school time is to be with school people. Leave it at that.

Keep up the positive encouragement and it will work.