Need Advice from Moms with 4 or More Children

Phil. 4:6-7

lean not on your own understanding.

First understand what your real reason is for wanting/needing a 4th child. Then you will be able to decide. I had four children, which I love dearly (3 boys, 1 girl), and they were just enough for me to handle but sometimes too much for me to handle. I was the sole caretaker, as the father of my children did not help with anything. I stayed at home with my children until my oldest was 17 and a junior in high school, and my youngest was 8 (there is a 3 year age difference between each child) then I went to work full time because I was forced to return to work (remember the father of my children did not help with anything at all). My children were involved in numerous activities, several activities for each child and all at the same time. I also volunteered with the recycling program, sports, and at the school and had my own sports activities. Yes, I did get tired and I was running all over the place, I went on minimal sleep, but the children are only kids once and I got through the years with alot of scheduling and some help from the other parents whose children were involved in the same activities (help with carpooling). Quick meals of healty fresh fruit, vegetables and sandwiches. Housecleaning was minimal, but we all survived and are happy and healty today. Best wishes on your decision.

A.,

I have 5 boys ages 13 yrs 10 yrs 7 yrs 5 yrs and 23 months. Going from 3 to 4 was an adjustment for us, but going from 4 to 5 was a cinch! I think a lot of it depends on the personalities and temperments of the members of your family, I see your oldest is 11, which is old enough to be a huge help to you, and your 6 year old is big enough to help out too. I believe children NEED to contribute to the well being of the family, for their own self esteem, and to learn a good work ethic.

However I am a SAHM and the extra curricular activies are not a problem for us. My boys are close enough in age that sometimes I would have 2 or more in the same sport at the same time, like soccer or basketball, or in the same after school activies, like an afterschool science program our school had, so we could consolidate trips. Now that they are getting older their interests are more individual and they are participating in different things. Sometimes I will coordinate with anther mom to drive kids, like she picks everyone up and brings them to the practice or activity and then I pick them up after and drop off everyone at their homes. My oldest is 13 now and he will sometimes babysit the younger ones while I am on "taxi" duty.

We encourage the kids to do things they are interested in, but do not push them to participate in extra-curriculars just for the sake of "being busy", we value our family time also and I think its important for everyone to be home together at the same time regularly too.

I have 4 in school and volunteer there quite a bit, but I am lucky that I have retired parents who love to babysit the toddler, which I consider to be quite a blessing!

You do need to plan things out ahead, and for us, sometimes its a juggling act to come up with extra cash if we don't know in advance about something that the kids are going to want to particpate in. But things always seem to work out somehow and my kids always seem to be able to do the things they are interested in. God has a way of providing for us.

I guess I would have to agree with some of the other posters and advise you to pray about it, and listen to what God would have you do. It is interesting because we only planned on having 4 children and I actually had my tubes tied and we were done having babies and considered our family to be complete, and suprise!! I found out I was pregnant again. We just believe that the 5th baby was meant to be, and he has been such a blessing for us I couldn't even imagine life without him now!

Good luck to you and God bless!

In your case, do what you like. You manage things well. You manage things and lives creating possibilities each day now. Keep up the great work.

We have 6. Yes six. They are now 33,30, 25, 23 today, 19 and 17. I would not change it. Four was easy. The only issue down the road we found is in carrying friends. It is hard to let everyone bring a friend to an activity in a 7 passenger van. I don't remember expenses being that bad going from 3 to 4. Remember though as they get older their activities do increase and you may be pulled in several directions. One thing you will find is that your oldest will be soon be old enough to babysit if you need to run to the store or even go out for an occasional evening.

I have 6 children aged 10,8,6,5,4,and 3.

From one to two, as you summed up beautifully, I learned to divide my time (as well as help the kids manage thier relationships). The third child taught me strategy (suddenly I had more kids than arms!). The fourth on? Well, what's one more once you've got all that figured out. I'll be honest that for me 3 to 4, 4 to 5, etc didn't feel like a big difference.

I feel strongly that it is important to have a healthy amount of family togetherness time (and time spent in your own house pursuing your own interests unstructured, etc) as part of the way we manage extracurricular activities in a way that coincides with that belief, each child is allowed only one long term exra activity. If something comes up that only lasts 1 to maybe 6 weeks that they really want to do badly, then we sometimes make an exception if the schedule permits. The kids have learned to really evaluate what makes them happy, and instead of wanting to join every little thing just becuase, and then I have to start forcing them to go about half way through, they only join the things that really excite them (and thus are much more enthusiastic participants in whatever program or club it happens to be)

Family is about the love you share, not how many extracurricular activities you make it to, IMO. My feeling is that family is the most important thing, and sometimes, for awhile, we all have to sacrafice just a little to make the whole thing great.

I say if you're ready go for it! After all the timing is not going to get any easier as the kids grow older and want to do even more things!

A. -

My oldest was 14 when my fourth joined the family. She has been the greatest gift to everyone. The biggest thing I noticed (and still do) was the amazing paternal/maternal instincts of my older kids. She seemed to become "their" baby. When no one else could calm her as an infant, my then 11-year-old son was the go-to guy. When the big kids get home from school each day, there is great excitement and huge hugs and kisses to/from everyone. It's heartwarming and wonderful raising a fourth with older children. I am certain they will all be incredible parents. Loving and learning to care for their baby sister has been an amazing life lesson. Your two oldest will be great helpers and will learn so much in the process. If your heart says go for it, have another and enjoy!

Regards, L.

How many kids you have is a personal decision based on what's best for your family. We have four kids and if we had more money we'd probably have more kids.

We never put our kids in daycare because my husband has always been a stay-at-home dad. Our kids do participate in a lot of extracurriculars (year round all four kids take gymnastics and piano - then depending on the season and the kids there's soccer, basketball, baseball, chess club, destination imagination, football, taekwondo, swimming, t-ball, lacrosse, etc. It's a lot, but we don't tell one kid they can enroll in something without saying the same to another. The hardest part for us as parents is the logistics of everything. We'd never be able to do it all if both my husband and I worked full time.

Good luck!

4 is Crazy!! I am a mother of four children wanting a 5th. I love the crazy busy. Mine are 8,6,4, and 17 months. All are either 2 years 4 months or 2 years and 6 months apart. I would like to concieve soon because I don't want to have them too far apart. I am a stay at home mom. Plus I have an autoammune desease that stops me from breastfeeding. I can only breastfeed up to the 2nd month than I have to supplememnt. So it is finacially straining. I do have two in good nights at night plus my 17 month of course is till in diapers. I tried to get the one out of good night but the dr says he has two smallof a bladder and may not happen till peuberty. The other one just started in a speech preschool so she is too excited to switch out of good nights right now. But is my goal for the summer. Anyway it crazy with kids going here and there and having enough time for them all. I also am in the process of trying to find work. I run a business out of my house on top of taking care of the house and children. I make enough for gas to to pay those bills. Its hard with the economic world right now. Hopefully things will change. As long as you have partner help I say go for it. I think big familys are awesome. If you'd like to chat more let meknow and we can chat out of mamasource. Good luck hopefully I helped your decision. What ever you decide decide from the gut it usually is right and don't have any regrets.

I also agree with the last mom about the vehicle issues. We have an 8 person mini-van, and it works well.. we just have to be creative with car seats and have the kids help each other into and out of the seats. We are now looking at some type of enclosed trailer to use when we go on longer vacations. Not much storage in mini-vans for a lot of luggage, sleeping bags, bikes and things....

The biggest change I have noticed from 3 to 4 (my 4th is now 15 months old!) is that we have to be a more organized and we have to work more as a family. The older children are learning that being part of our family means that everyone contributes. That might mean that they help read a story to their 4 year old brother to help tuck him in, they are "in charge" of the diaper bag to make sure it gets where ever we are going, to hold hands with the "younger" children if we are in a parking lot or crossing a road. It also forces my husband and I to be more deliberate and specific making sure that each child still receives some special one-on-one time each day and each week.

I love it! I wouldn't change it for the world. I always say that my children and my family force me to be a better person than I ever thought I could be. And they make life so real and interesting as we are helping them to grow and become young adults. Just my view!

(However, I have been able to be a stay at home mom. I might feel differently if I had to work full time. That's being pulled in a lot of different directions. And I don't believe the lie that they tell women that "you can do it all". We need to just try to do what we have to with balance :-)

Hope this was helpful!
Peace,
B.

i know that this was awhile ago, but with 5 kids I do not get on here much. I say to pray and ask God. I wanted four and and my husband wanted two. We let god decide and we had five. It sounds like you know what you are leaning towards. I say go for it, financial sacrifices are nothing when it comes to a child. Besides, my life is so much more complete with the last two. As far as activities, they learn to be dragged around and learn to love it. It is so nice to hear of people that actually want a big family. You are populating the earth with more Christians and that is always a good thing. They also make you more humble, I have surely learned that! Good LucK

Hi A.! We have 5 kids, two are my stepsons, and 3 together. Brian (8), Michael (7) and Eric (4) all play hockey, so we spend a lot of time at the rink. Kyle (2) and Emily (5 months) are relatively easy to take to the activities. The biggest difference I noticed when we went from 3 to 4 (and we will go through it again this summer) is that now that the older kids are much older than the baby, you can really see how being tied down for naps can affect the older kids and their activities. My husband and I try to divide and conquer so that the non-nappers can be at the pool, play hockey, go skiing, etc., but we can't always do everything together. I also work F/T and the best thing that we did after our 4th was to hire a nanny to come to the house. I can't imagine having to get three kids ready for daycare each morning!

Good luck,
J.

Hi! Well, I am a stay at home mom, so that part is something I cannot relate to, but working or not, I believe that once that baby comes, you would never wish things were back to how they were before the baby : o ) Because once you feel that little one moving inside you, and then meet him/her face to face, all that matters is the fact that the Lord has blessed you tremendously! Also, if it is in God's will for you to have another baby, He has chosen you to be the parents to that baby and to raise him/her according to His will. (What an honor!)
Ask God to help you guys know if it's the right decision or not. When you feel sure about how He has responded, you will have peace about what to do.
Our girls are older like yours as well, and they are very helpful with our baby, and they love it! It's so cute. Also, having a fourth child has forced us to stay more organized with things as well as rely on the kids to keep up on their chores and do their part- not only do we like that (for them to learn more responsibility) but I think they actually feel good about being relied on to help out! It surprised me at how good I feel about that...because I am one that gets stressed out easily. Our fourth has truly been a blessing!

I have two comments, I guess.

First, as a Christian, pray about this and see what kind of guidance you get.

Second, my fourth was a piece of cake. You're already doing everything that a fourth will require of you, and this last one will like just slide right into the mix and bring you great joy without a lot of new hassles.

Hope it all works out for you, A.!