Need Advice from Other Single Moms.

Parental visitation is such a benefit to the children. A child that young does take a lot of time and energy. The father is not willing to put forth the effort. Unfortunately, this is just the way some fathers are. My X took his visitation when the kids were younger but eventually moved to another state. He really did not put forth the extra effort it required to go out of his way until they got to be teenagers. Now I can really see a difference in the way he relates to them. He eventually moved back into the state and my son and him are best buds. I wish he would have taken more of a proactive stance when it came to visitation but the best relationship is not forced.

I might get some heat for this, but I agree with you. You can't force him to commit to his son or to anyone else for that matter. It's unfortunate for him, because in the end HE is the one who will lose out the most. Not even your son, because your son deserves more than that.

My suggestion is to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT ... keep a calendar where you write everything down. Every time you invite him to something, offer him to pick up the baby, meet him at a park, every time he cancels a scheduled visitation ... EVERYTHING. Good and bad. if he EVER tries to tell you you can't move away because you're infringing on his visitation, you can simply show that to the judge as your proof of his lack of caring in the time he has had you within close proximity.

Unfortunately, I have had MORE than one friend go through this with their childrens' fathers and it's heartbreaking because they really want the dad to have a relationship with the kid for the kids sake. But sometimes, no relationship or a limited relationship is more constructive than a consistently bad one. I had the opposite problem, my ex wants to keep the kids all the time and I had to get him to back off!! LOL!!!

I will be praying for you. I've been a single mom for 11 years now and i also moved closer to my family for my children's sake when I got divorced. Best decision i ever made ...

Good luck!!

Honey, he is a grown man and grown men don't like being told what to do and especially by any woman. Stop trying to force him into spending time with his son. Do you really want your son spending time with anyone who doesn't really have time for him even if that someone is his father?

I was a single mom for the first 14 years of my son's life. My son's father is in his life but he doesn't father him. Fortunately for me I have many great father figures for my son. I don't trouble myself over his father's lack of participation but I also know that 20-30 years down the line he is going to want his son and maybe my son won't make time for his father, not out of malice but because this was the example set before him. I'm also praying that my son is a real father for his children when he gets old enough to have and care for them.

Be the best mom you can be by making decisions that are in the best interest of your son and find great father figures for your little boy to model and have relationship with while his father is too busy. It really does take a village.

Get the divorce. Never say a bad word to your son about his father, and do not let anyone say a bad word around him, he will see. That is all.
This is the reason you have said you are separated, don't think that will change anything.
best, k

Unfortunately, you can't force him to take his visitation time. And, yes, DOCUMENT! That's great advice. Let him initiate visits. If he doesn't, oh well. Concentrate on your life and your son's life right now. And kudos to you for NOT understanding why he doesn't want to spend time with his child. It's not something I want to understand myself!!

Chin up and keep forging ahead. You WILL reach the other side!

Some men don't enjoy spending a lengthy amount of time with infants. They feel much differently about infants than women do. Also, he may feel that since you'll be moving he doesn't want to create a serious bond with the baby. Certainly once you move he will see his son much less.

I would just let him see his son when he wants to or you're just giving yourself unnecessary stress. You can't force people to do what you want them to.

Save your energy. You'll get support from your family when you return to NE

Yes you should. I've been struggling with this for ten years with my ex husband. Me..personally...I can't go more than a day or two without at least hearing her voice on the phone. But he can go two weeks without so much as a phone call. I've just accepted it for what it is.

Yes, you should just accept it for what it is- that your ex is unable to do anything other than what he is currently doing. You cannot change that. Speaking from my own personal experience, often when the father is absent or sporadic, we cannot fathom why they wouldn't want to spend as much time as possible with this awesome child! And, we are angry they don't see the same value in it as we do.

If you can manage to accept this, you will be at peace: Him not visiting your son or keeping visitation has everything to do with him and nothing to do with how great your child is. Possibly, the more you push, the less he will respond. Obviously there are some things he has to deal with and maybe he has to deal with them before he can begin being a good father. Is it fair? Nope, not at all. He may or may not ever come around, but I doubt you want them to have a relationship only because you tried to force it. At some point, they will have to establish that for themselves anyway.

I make my ex-husband aware of as much as possible and if he chooses to come- then great. If not, there is nothing I can do about it, but help my daughter navigate through it. You will be able to help your son navigate better down the line, if you don't have anger and hostility behind it. I've had to teach her how to make boundaries, but still forgive. If not, it robs her, not him. But, to teach it, I had to forgive.

With my daughter (she is much older than your son though) I had to explain my responsibility in all of it- that although her father made some bad choices, apparently I did too to end up in the predicament. I had to forgive myself for those mistakes and ask her to forgive me too...because they didn't just affect my life, but hers. I cannot be responsible for his mistakes, but I have to be for mine. You cannot be responsible for your ex not being involved in your son's life...all you can do is take whatever responsibility is yours in getting to this point, forgive yourself, move forward, and provide the best environment possible for your child, helping him navigate through as he grows older and begins to understand.

Take care!

Document his behavior. You may need it to move out of state or when your son is older and dad decides he wants more of a relationship (some men have a problem relating to babies and very young children). Boy, is he making a mistake.

Well I am not a single mom but I can tell you that you cannot "change" another person nor can you control what they do. If your ex doesn't want to spend more time with your son-you have brought that to his attention. What he does with this information is beyond your control. Sometimes it doesn't hit people until its too late unfortunately. Alot of it probably is immaturity and in time he will see but then will it be too late? Your son may eventually get a certain impression and feel disappointments in his life due to his own father's actions. Unfortunately we as the mothers are the ones to have to pick up the peices-but at least your son has that with you. A father figure doesn't necessarily have to be someone biolocically related. My girls LOVE my father -their pawpaw. They have a special connection with him. Hopefully your son can find someone just as special if his father doesn't want to be that kind of man to his son. It's very heartbreaking I know but just stand strong and hang in there without any negative comments -your son will develop his own opinions about his father but hopefully he will change and change very soon for the sake of his son.....but its his choice and you cannot control that.

This also happened to me and I said from the start that a routine HAS to be in place for the sake of my DD. I didn't care if it was once a week, twice a week or once every 2 weeks as long as we had a schedule. I don't believe you should ever let your child become confused and upset because they won't understand. Well my ex was the same as yours he saw her once a week for a month (August) then we never heard from him till Christmas Eve and he got told in no uncertain terms where to go!! Luckily my daughter was only 2 and she stopped asking for him after 2 weeks and would not even know him now 5 yrs later.
This may sound harsh to some but my daughter will never be put in a situation where she feels like she is not wanted. She gets enough love and care from me and my family and is a wonderful child.
Good Luck x

Just read Cari M's comment and that is a good idea about documenting everything that happens with your ex. I did this 5 yrs ago and still have all the information in case I ever need it.

I went through this as well when my son was a baby. You can't force him to be a father, it's totally up to him. I had to accept that and move on. In the end, your son will realize who is there for him without you saying anything. Stay strong!

Also document everything, your attempts, his response or lack thereof. He may put up a fight when you decide to move. That happened to me and it's not pretty. Good luck!

I know I'm late here but I have had the same issue. Husband left in 2003, only sends BD money if I remind him of when their birthdays are and expects THEM to call him. I didn't have to bad mouth him - my children see him for what he is and so will yours. 1 day these men will have to answer for their choices to the child and before God.