Need Advice on First Born's Behavior Now That Newborn Is Here

A.,

My boys are closer in age than yours, so I didn't face exactly the same idea, but all children do this. Here is a link to the AskDrSears website that might help you: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t064200.asp

Best wishes and Happy Holidays!
K.

A.,

I was worried about the same thing that you are describing when I had my second child - I was given this advice.

Take time out of the day to spend with just her - have a mommy daughter day where you go out with only her or just whenever the baby is taking a nap, make sure that you spend time with your older daughter.

I found that my son, even though I was with him all the time, missed having just me and no one else - he wasn't used to sharing me with anyone and started acting out for attention. As soon as I started to take the time to make special days for us the acting out stopped.

I hope that this helps.

Good Luck and Take Care,
Mel

I have a new born too. Trying getting her involved with caring for the child but also remember she wants your time most of all. You need to give her one on one time without the baby. When you can leave the baby with someone you trust...dads are good...and take the eldest shopping or out to lunch. Plus it gives the dad time to bond with the child. The opposite is also true...have the dad or grandma take the elsest out for a while and you stay with the baby. Also does she have activities she is involved in. My almost 3 year old is so busy some days with activites she barely notices she has a 8 week old sister. My other big tool is a babysitter that will take her to there house. Twice a week I send my daughter from 4 to 8 at night to a family down the street that has three daughters, 12 to 16 in age. They take turns watching her. It gives me time to be alone with the baby and get some house work done. It costs $40 bucks a week and worth every penny. Have her pick out the cloths the baby will wear or pick something out for the baby at the store. If you read books have her hold the book and point things out to the baby, "Show baby Corrie the bunny," and the like.

A.,
I have read most of your other responses, and I think they all have very good advise. One thing I will add is that by 3.5 your daughter knows the rules. I am not at all saying you should be any harder on her than normal, but she should be receiving the same dicipline as usual. This will also make her feel safe. My son figured out very quickly that when I sat down to nurse our new baby I was not as willing to get up and stop him from doing things he should not be doing. He would stand and look at me and test me to see if I would be consistant. That made for a lot of jumping up and walking around while nursing, which is not that easy, but I needed to show him he couldn't get away with anything. They need to know not only that mommy still loves them but that you are still the same mommy all the way around. Good luck and congratulatios on the new baby.
J.

Hello A.. When I was pregnant with my second baby, my eldest child became very jealous. But I think that is natural for them to feel that way. So, I included her in everything that I did for preparation for the baby...including shopping, picking out baby names. And after the baby came, I would encourage my eldest daughter and involve her in everyday activities.

For instance, I would need to change the baby. My eldest daughter wanted to retrieve the diaper and wipes. Then after the dirty part was over, she would place the diaper under her bottom and help me fasten the tapes.

And I would let her help me choose outfits for her, and there were a few times when I let her hold the baby's bottle to eat so she felt included.

Unfortunately, older children feel like they are being replaced by the new baby. Just include the eldest child in practically everything. She will come around.

Blessings,
M.

A.,

Congrats on your new arrival!! I can sympathize-my son was 15 months old when my daughter was born. It seemed that he would do anything to get attention. My advice is to make sure that you set aside "special" time to spend with just you and your 3.5 year old-she needs to know that she is important just like her new sister is. Let Daddy watch the baby for that time, and also have Daddy spend some "special time" with your older daughter. Also, maybe once your newborn gets to be 1 or 2 months old, let Grandma and Grandpa watch her so you can spend some time with just you, your husband, and your 3.5 year old. Also, if possible, have her help as much as possible with the baby-like giving her the pacifier is she needs it or getting diapers for you-that sort of thing. Good Luck!!

C.

Oh my this sounds really fimiliar to me. My son was just over 2 years old when we brought our new bundle of joy home. Let the fun begin! It was a nightmare for a long time. He did everything to get our undivided attention. My suggestion is make undivided attention for your oldest. Take only her to the store with you, play a game with only her while your other child is napping. Make her feel special and let her know that you still think she is everything to you. Although, don't let her get away with rude behavior, which is something we are dealing with now. As far as resenting her, I understand how you feel. That is a rough thing to go through. My suggestion to that is, either have your husband take her out by himself or you take her out by yourself. You might need to bond with her again. One on One. It is not easy though. Just remember the feelings you felt when you brought her home for the first time. Have fun!! And good luck.

Hi,I had a simulair situation with my son, when my daughter was born he was 5 and really began acting out talking back, throwing himself up against the wall and screaming,I thought i would never get him under control, my husband works for mental health so we took him in to see a theropist ( they have ways of getting kids to talk} what we found out was, he thought that the baby was there to take his place, that we did'nt love him anymore, so what we did was after my husband got home, it was his time...for an hour it was just me and him no baby my husband handled everything for that hour. and within a few weeks he had really turned around and did'nt resent her as much.he is now 21 and loves his little sister..lol

My boss described how my 2 year old would feel once her new brother would be here like this... "Think how you would feel if your husband brought home a 2nd wife, and that is how your oldest child feels." That really hit home for me how my daughter felt when we brought our son home. She had a lot more temper tantrums and outbursts than in the past. One thing that really helped was keeping my daughter's schedule the same as before. She attended daycare 3 days a week and we kept her there so that she had a place to go to where she could play and have fun and didn't have to compete for attention. We also enlisted the help of Grandma and Grandpa to help give her some extra attention too. That worked wonders since she really adores her grandparents.

Definitely try to spend one-on-one time with your daughter but also include her in caring for the baby. Give her extra hugs and kisses too... she's feeling a bit insecure right now and needs extra love. It will pass... my daughter now adores her baby brother.

This is a normal reaction, I had it with my sister also when I was young. It is hard to have to share your parents, as much as you love the baby.
I wanted to make sure that I did not have the same problem with my children, so I studied this well--
Take your daughter on dates, just you and her, something special, do a tea party, take her to a place she enjoys. Have her father do this also. Instead of you holding the baby a lot, have your daughter sit on your lap with the baby in her arms. Refer to the baby as your daughters baby, over and over when talking about the baby. When you hold your baby, ask your daughter to get a book and sit right by you while you read it to her. Say the baby is cute and she gets it from the big sister, etc.
I did the above, and it did work with my children, Good Luck!