Need Advice For

P., It is painful, but remember she is 2, she really does not comprehend her emotions. She feels deeply and uses whatever words she has to express. She is using tantrums and acting out as her way of saying she isn't feeling right.

When my 2nd daughter was born, my first born was 3.5 and VERY jealous. She had ALL of mommy's and daddy's attention until "IT" came home. It was terrible. But we tried some different things and some worked and some didn't. Some worked some days but not the next.

Here are some of the things we used:
Mommy and me time: not nap time when the baby went down, or when daddy was home, it was hire a baby sitter and spend time alone. Made her feel special.

Daddy and Daughter time: daddy took her to the park, to the store, where ever just to be "alone".

Daily chart: she got stickers to place on a calendar each time she felt that mommy and daddy gave her “me time”. By the end of the day she had to have a sticker from both of us or she got to stay up a little bit longer.

Special Signal: she and I created a special hand signal that even daddy didn’t know to communicate that we love each other.

P., she loves you and wants you to know. Now as the parent you have to let her KNOW you love her.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

Here is a great link:
http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=10132

Well 2 years old is naturally a hard age... and at this age they do NOT even have full development of emotions, nor the capacity to handle what they are feeling.
But, at least your daughter IS expressing herself... although not pleasant.... but you must encourage it, otherwise she will withdraw and that will be worse. A child has to be able to communicate and express themselves and wallow in it even... so that they can explore and learn from it.
Think of yourself as a "Coach"... and "enabling" her to feel good about things and to know what certain "feelings" are, good or bad.

She needs to know that you are there for her no matter what, good OR bad. A child this age can also be "testing" for that and wanting to know about Mommy's "love" for them and loyalty etc. Do NOT take it personally when she says things that are hard to palate. For me, I would literally ALWAYS tell my daughter (after her brother was born), that I LOVE HER ALWAYS... no matter what, even when "Mommy" was grumpy or busy... that SHE is my FIRST "baby" and she always will be... and is special in my heart.... that even if I am busy, I think of her always and LOVE to see her smile...."

A child this age also begins to "compare" things in relation to themselves. Its NORMAL developmental based things. But you need to gauge her and guide her... not "reacting" to her acting-out.... but rather, guiding her.

The Book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" and, "Your 2 Year Old" are GREAT books. I really recommend them. You can get it at any bookstore or on www.amazon.com

You cannot "stop" jealousy with a snap of a finger... but rather, it is something that will be realized and managed better, in the child....with you "coaching" her.

And, your daughter was an "only child" all this time... NOW she is an "eldest child" and HER role in the family has changed. A child this age does not always know how to handle that. Adjustment to a baby, will take time.

Important also, is that the "eldest" child is still regarded in an age-appropriate way... not "suddenly" expected to behave "older" than they are or to "be" more than they are capable of. Otherwise, a child WILL get "stressed" by that and all that is put onto their shoulders.

A child with a new sibling, has to be given MORE attention many times... and nurturing. Otherwise they will feel lost in the shuffle... they are NOT able to, at this young an age, to completely understand why Mommy is so busy with baby, now. For us, we always explained to our daughter about how a baby is and what they do or cannot do... and how SHE can "help" too.. .and that her little brother LOVES her but can't do what she can do... but we are ALL A FAMILY. Not just her being around. That she is IMPORTANT.

Your daughter is probably just upset that you are not available for her as much now... and you have a "baby." So she is upset about it. Its okay. Tell her that you "understand" her... and its okay. For me, I would ALWAYS spend extra time with my daughter... just her and me, and we'd talk story... this is how my daughter bonded with me and felt better about "me" and how she STILL FIT INTO THE FAMILY.

Make allowances for her, meaning, do not expect "perfection" in her... because she is adjusting to so much right now, and is obviously having a hard time. Her behavior is telling you that. Try not to take her remarks personally. She is only 2 years old. But KEEP TO A ROUTINE for HER... just as it was before baby came onto the scene. A child NEEDS that... very important. They need CONSISTENCY in their daily routine and activities. In a kids shoes... having their entire life "changed" because of baby IS irksome and upsetting... and they become just a satellite floating around busy-ness and baby. They don't feel good about that. Keep your daughter's OWN routines and activities... something that is JUST for her. As it was before baby. And, let her have her own special things, and 'teach' her how SHE can help with her baby brother too... fostering kinship and empathy.
Kids, no matter how tough they seem to be... are quite tenderhearted...

All the best,
Susan

Dear P.,

A lot of good advice so far. A two year old is really still so young...hard to deal with or even label emotions. This may not "get better fast" no matter what you do.
I would see what I could do to include her in caring for the baby (or even caring for Daddy or a pet) since it is a lot of work with a newborn. Inclusion/feeling important can do a lot for behavior...my Mom even used it on not-so-academically motivated kids in her high school Latin class.

HI P.,
I'm sure you will have a bunch of people tell you, but it sounds like you need to spend time alone with your daughter. You have to show her that she is important too, and try to include her in the responsibility of taking care of your son. Maybe with food prep or sending her to fetch a diaper for you. If she doesn't want to then, just keep asking her. Maybe she will one day and then you can make a big deal about it. But I think that alone time will help the situation. good luck!

I think you have 2 things going on at the same time.

Yes, it sounds like there is jealousy, but she's also going through the phase of being a 2 year-old and trying to exert herself and learn what her place in the family is. Unfortunately, it gets worse in the 3s (we haven't hit 4 in our family yet, but we're in the 3s, and it's a challenge).

My best advice is to explain to her that it's not acceptable to say she doesn't love Mommy. But, she is also 2 and is answering a question asked. Sometimes, if you don't want to know the answer, you can't ask the question, because they don't know how to lie at that age.

I'd say that the best thing you can do is to spend time with her and ask her what's wrong, how you can be a better Mommy and devote one-on-one time (even if 10-15 minutes while the baby is sleeping). It's hard when there are SO many other things to do around the house, and especially if your infant has had medical issues.

But, it will get better. Please just reassure her that you (and Daddy) love her as much today as you did before the new baby was born.

Good luck!

Hi P.,

This is absolutely normal. She's mad at you because you are responsible for having the baby. What she needs is as much of your undivided attention as possible, each day. Also, it's important that you acknowledge to her that you understand her feelings. She needs to know that you know that she is angry and jealous and that that is OK with you. Role-playing with dolls is a good way to have this conversation with her. Let her know that it's OK for her not to like her brother. You love her anyway.

In terms of her acting out, she is expressing her frustrations and anger through her behavior. She protests as a means of taking some control in a world where she feels pretty powerless. That's all normal, as well. The more opportunities you can find to allow her to make decisions, the less argumentative she will be when you need her to do something. Once again, this is totally normal. Here's an article I wrote that might be of some help. http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/7/21_The_Ga...

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

Hi P.!

She definitely sounds jealous. Is it possible for you to give her some undivided special time while your husband or someone else takes over baby duties? If you use a timer and commit to doing whatever she wants for that time it will help her get the idea that your commitment to her hasn't changed. Be aware that if she wants to play with dolls or stuffed animals she may use them to get a lot of feelings out. Don't take it personally, she knows you love her, she's just mad right now. The time doesn't have to be long either if it becomes too much. Start at 5 minutes and work your way to 15.

Another idea is dates. Again, it's all about special time for just you and her without baby. You could go for ice cream, to the bookstore or park, even get manicures. This could help you set some rituals with her now that may help to get time with her when she's too cool to hang out with her parents as a teen.

My friend once said that bringing a new baby home and telling your first child you still love them is like your husband getting a new wife and telling you he still loves you. I am the eldest of four girls and even through all our fights, I can't imagine not having them in my life.

Congratulations on your new baby. I hope that whathever health concerns that you have been having with him resolve quickly enough.

As for your daugther, actually, what you are describe sounds pretty typical for a 2-year old girl. That's the age when they definitely prefer daddy to mommy so please don't take it personally or worry that there is something that you are doing that is causing her to prefer daddy over you right now. This phase lasted for about a year with our daughter but eventually, she started including me in on her praise and adoration and all was fine. I just think that, biologically, this is a natural and right stage for a girl to go through since this time with her dad right now will have some influence with regard to the types of guys that she will end up dating and marry eventually. If she establishes a good relationship with her dad now and gain a sense of self-confidence within that relationship, hopefully she will end up with someome who makes her feel equally as special.

As for her acting out, yep, that's pretty typical for 2-year olds as well. This is the point where they are hardwired to try to establish the independence and discovering that their voice and actions can and does have power over adults sometimes. It's a perfectly natural stage but it is important for you to be the parent and the one in authority right now so that she can learn acceptable behavior vs. unacceptable behavior, who's the boss (you and your husband are, of course) and maintain some sense of order in your house. When my children where younger, a friend of mine bought me the Super Nanny book and it was really helpful in teaching me how to be a more resourceful, understanding parent. If they are still publishing it, or if you can find it on Amazon, I highly recommend it to everyone.

Wishing you all the best with your two little ones.