Older Child Will Not Listen Since New Baby

The more alone time you can spend with her the better she will be. Ask any helpful friends and relatives to hole the new baby ( boy I wish I could volunteer for that job) while you spend time giving her undivided attention. I know its hard and you're busy but even ten minutes here and there will help.

She hasn't "turned into a brat." Her entire world has just been completely turned inside out and upside down. Her routine has been disrupted, and Mommy and Daddy aren't paying as much attention to her. She's never had a baby living with her before and she has no idea how to cope. She can't possibly be expected to simply know how to handle everything.

What's happening is a stress response and she needs you as much as the new baby does. It's not a matter of her "not listening" but you needing to pay attention to her cues and her needs because right now your 4 year old doesn't know how to voice her anxiety and her needs right now. She's probably feeling very displaced right now and she needs reassurances, lots of snuggling, hugs, kisses, and one on one time. And understanding.

It may be helpful to realize that your daughter's behavior is signaling some need that is not being met. When kids are feeling lost or abandoned or pushed aside or in any "new" way neglected, they will begin, automatically, to employ behavior strategies to try to get that need filled. They don't do this in a deliberate, strategic way, they are just casting about to see what might work.

IF your daughter's perceived need is more of your attention, or more reassurance that she's still just as precious to you, she'll employ (very poor but unplanned) strategies to get more of your attention. Even if it's negative, to some part of her little psyche, that's still better than being pushed aside by this newcomer. So she'll accept the trade-off of your annoyance in order to get you to repeat the same requests over and over, even if you raise your voice. Or to have you take her by the shoulders and look her in the eyes. Or to have you take her hand and drag her to the place where she's supposed to do something. At least it's attention.

What usually works best is that the parents train themselves to notice as many appropriate and helpful things during every day as you can possible catch. Give her positive comments. Appreciate her finer moments. Thank her for helping you. To start laying on punishments when she's already feeling alone and afraid will be exactly the wrong thing to do – it will just cement in her mind that you don't love her as much as the new baby.

I also strongly suggest that you get your hands on either or both of the wonderful books by Faber and Maslish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, and/or Siblings Without Rivalry. You will be amazed at the slight changes it takes in your own mode of speaking to your child that will elicit a completely new and more productive family experience for everybody.

My very best to your growing family.

... Keep expectations, of her, age appropriate.
Otherwise, frustration will occur, for her and you.

Ditto the others here.

Just because a child is now an 'oldest' sibling, it does not mean, that the child suddenly grows up and matures. They are still... their same age.
And a young child.

The 'expectations" a parent has, upon the Eldest sibling... also can cause, the child to act out or not, or sabotage them or not. IF the parental expectations, upon the older child, is not age appropriate, then the child will never be able to meet those parental expectations. Thus, the child will get frustrated/resentful/unhappy/and stressed. ie: turning into a 'brat' too, at times.

For me, my daughter was about that age when I had my 2nd child. I ALWAYS, talked with my daughter, and explained baby development to her, in ways she could understand. So that, she understood, how her baby brother was/is/and what he was able or not able to do. That a baby wakes/cries/feeds from Mommy.
Because I explained things to her, about her baby brother, it helped her to gain understanding... and to not have to wonder aimlessly, about what is going on or why I have to tend to baby.
Each month, and at each phase of her baby brother, biologically and emotionally, I explained to my daughter, about what was going on.

Unless a child is explained to, they will not automatically 'know' how it is. Nor their place in it all.

I also, with my daughter, talked with her a ton, explained emotions and her feelings, I "allowed" her to have emotions and to tell me anything... and I validated her. I told her "Mommy knows, this is not easy for you either.... but WE ARE A TEAM.... and I am always here for you." I also told her to "Remind Mommy if you have to, when you need me.... because Mommy is so busy and tired. But I don't know everything either... but you are important to me. Please remind me too, of your feelings..."
Thus, I made her a part... of me and made sure she KNEW, that we were a TEAM.
I told her 'You are always, my first baby.... I love you...." even when I was nursing my 2nd child.

All of these things helps.
The Eldest child, NEEDS to be validated, and commiserated with, too.
It is their home, their family, and their baby too.
Their life is no longer as being an only child.
They have a ton, to adjust to.

I have a friend who just had a baby and her 2 1/2 year old is doing the same thing. It's really common for kids to test all the boundaries when circumstances change. There is suddenly a new person, you aren't going to work, her dad is probably at home a lot, you are having lots of visitors, her routine is likely different, etc. Her brain says "Hey, lots of things are different, let me see what other things are different too." So she starts breaking rules she never did before, refusing to listen when you ask her to do things, etc. For my friend the behavior improved after about 2 weeks, and got substantially better when they put her back into preschool for 4 hours per day when her brother was 3 weeks old. The visitors died down and they got into a new routine with the baby. Be grateful that she is not acting out against her sister and be patient with her. You just turned her world upside down and it may not have anything to do with jealousy or not being the center of attention anymore, her routine is just totally out of whack. My suggestion is to try to get into a routine as soon as you can, add some structure to her day and be consistent with the discipline that you used before the baby was born.

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I am on baby #4 and this is very common. Each of my kids had their own little thing they did to rebel against the lesser attention but they all come around. The biggest thing I learned is to involve your 4 year old in the baby as much as possible. So if you are nursing, pump so your daughter can feed her once per day, if you need to change her, have your daughter help you change the diaper, if it is play time with the baby, have your daughter lead the play time, etc. It will really help your daughter feel important and she will start listening again.

Good luck!

I have an almost 3 year old son and an almost three week old baby. My son is/was the same way. Each day he is getting better.

Part of the issue is the lack of sleep on my part and my patience. I just keep telling myself to be patient and not get so frustrated with things. We are also consistent in our discipline and are not letting him slide with things that are important. I have been giving him lots of special attention and trying to take him places alone.

Hang in there. It will get better. Even a week makes a huge difference!

Our older son was 2.5 when our youngest was born and he responded in the exact same way. Overnight be became the child from hell (obviously we still loved him, but it was like he was incapable of listening, straight up disobedient, regressed potty training etc...) He wasn't overtly jealous of the baby, but obviously his behaviors were expressing his feelings. I hate to say it, but there was no easy solution. We tried to do one-on-one things with him (I would take him on a walk in the mornings while my partner got ready), but it's just hard when you have a new baby and a difficult older child. With time his behavior got better and he eventually got back to his old self, but it did take awhile. Just hang in there!