4.5 Yo and 2.5 Yo Being Nasty to Their SAHM

Try the books:
1) Have A New Kid By Friday by Leman
2) How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will talk.

You can read about it and the reviews of both these books, on Amazon.

MANY MANY kids, behave better with others. And with Mom, not. Because they, although it seems contrary, they are more comfortable with you so they let it all hang out.

Try also teaching your kids HOW to communicate. Kids this age, don't even know how to have a 'conversation.' So teach them.
Role Play with them, give them examples and what sentences/words they can use.

Emphasize, "TEAMWORK". My son likes that.

Also, I used the "Redo' approach.
Meaning, when a kid is being yucky... tell them "Redo that." It gives them a chance, to redo what they did, in a nicer way. That works with my son, too. Then, if they do not/cannot redo or correct their response, THEN do whatever punishment you deem fit.

Also teach them what a sibling is. But siblings DO fight. Even the best of siblings. But teach them what "FAMILY" means, it means watching each others back and helping....

Try having them, each day, think of 3 things that they did that was nice... or thoughtful. So that they get used to thinking of someone else and empathy.. ... instead of thinking of themselves.

Also, ask them, to each day (you all sit together with them), ask them what they did for MOMMY, to help and to help the FAMILY and the household.
Then, make a smiley face, for them, on a piece of paper.

ALSO though, emphasize that they 'try their best." Not that is HAS TO be 'Perfect"... but that they are trying. THAT is good.
So they can be commended on that.

Also this is a great article on how to talk & not talk to your kids:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

ALSO (and I did this with my eldest child), but EXPLAIN to your Eldest, about child development, in simple terms she can understand. So THAT, she will understand that her 2.5 year old sibling, CANNOT do things like she can or understand things like she can. My daughter was about 4 years old when I had my 2nd child. I explained to her each month , about how her brother is changing and his development... and that at his age, he is younger and not the same as her, in ability etc. THAT helped my daughter, have more understanding for her little brother. I still do that with her... my son is now 4 years old. So now, my daughter CAN understand, how her younger sibling, is per his age.

all the best,
Susan

Sometimes telling them a different way brings different results. There's a book called "how to talk so your kids will listen" and it's easy to read and full of ideas.

I didn't think they'd work, but I tried them anyway and they really help.

I try to think of my parenting as teaching my kids how to behave and how to make good decisions, rather than being sure they listen to me. This way, I'm giving them skills they can use their entire life. Discipline becomes about training rather than punishing.

How to do this is as varied as the times that your daughter is being nasty. However, focus on getting what you want to happen. Learn to do it by listening to your kids point of view (not necessarily agreeing, but listening), empathizing their point, using humor and showing kindness and love.

Doing this and you are showing them over and over that families are here to help each other. It doesn't necessarily get kids to learn their lessons any faster, however they are not any slower at getting the hang of things either. And they are getting wonderful skills to apply over and over.

My daughter started doing aggressive things to me and I read loving without spoiling which seriously helped me a lot. They have a slightly different way of counting but that slight difference makes a huge difference with my daughter's reaction to my counting. And I believe it was on sale at barnes and noble for like $9, I bought it last week and it's already made an attitude change in her.

That's why it's "the toughest job you'll ever love"--AND not get paid for!

While I believe it is common for kids (all people really) to treat those closest to them the crappiest, I don't think you need to put up with disrespectful behavior. List the rules and explain the consequences. (whether they are negative, like losing a toy for the day, or positive, like getting a "ticket" or "marble" in the jar for good behavior...and BE CONSISTENT. That is the really important part, I think.
Good luck! Those are tough ages--especially together!

Children are often on their best behavior at school and with others, and save their less than perfect behavior for Mom and Dad. My daughter started acting up with me when she was 3.5 and I quit my job to stay home with her and her newborn brother. Looking back, I think she was very angry that her whole world turned upside down overnight. She went from going to my mom's every day and being the center of Grandma's attention to staying home with me and a demanding newborn. The first couple of years were very hard for her and me. I constantly yearned go to back to work. Now, after 5.5 years and a third baby, I am adjusted and happy staying home. My daughter is almost 9 yrs old and continues to try my patience, but I try to remain calm and consistent and that seems to work the best. Come up with a consistent method of disciplining your daughter and don't waver from it. She needs to know that you're in charge and that when she screams at you, or gets physical, she can count on a particular consequence every time. Check out the book 1...2...3...Magic. It really works, especially with the ages of your kids are now. Good luck!

It's totally normal. I remember when my son was that age and did the same thing. I thought I would lose my mind. I told a friend about it, and her 4.5 year old was going through the same thing. It doesn't last long - just a couple of months if you are consistent with discipline. They're just testing us, and it's so much harder than "terrible 2s" because now they're smarter. Just stick to your routines and disciplines and you'll be fine.
(I say this as my 2nd son approaches 4.5 :)