Decreasing Sibling Rivalry-how?

Updated on August 09, 2011
J.H. asks from Minneapolis, MN
11 answers

I know it's not unusual-I see it everywhere I go-but I want to decrease my kids' constant bickering and jealousy and promote friendship-or as close as I can get! Daughter is 9, son is just 5, so developmentally they're worlds apart; their temperaments are opposite (she's outgoing, easygoing and adaptable; he hates change, is active and feisty but shy), and they're like oil and water. He's jealous of everything that she can and gets to do, she gets jealous of every little thing, too, and doesn't want to include him because he can't keep up or is "annoying." She is more capable of controlling her emotions/behavior, but seems to like to push his buttons. She taunts, he hits. She teases, he gets aggressive. He provokes, she overreacts. I'm ok with roughhousing, but she's so much bigger. Sometimes they play beautifully together, but the fighting dominates and drives me crazy. If you have a similar age difference among your kids, how do you promote them getting along and enjoying each other?

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L.G.

answers from Eugene on

When I was a child my parents would say Genug and then we would just stop.
I used the same technique but substituted the English-ENOUGH loud and clear.
My kids knew to stop the behavior immediately.
Today my grandchildren know Genug means the behavior must stop. Maybe they do it because they know I speak German or maybe because they know I really mean it. Time out can happen, or no treats, or no trips or whatever.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

The one resource I've heard about again and again from families with more than one child is the book Siblings Without Rivalry, by Faber and Mazlish. Another book by the same authors is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, an absolutely brilliant and practical book. It teaches us how to work with children's attitudes and needs in a gentle and respectful (but amazingly effective) way.

Every parent I've talked to who has used these books are astonished at what simple changes in focus make such profound changes in their children's attitudes. Read them and try them – you will wonder how your family made it this far without these resources.

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J.K.

answers from Sacramento on

Have you read the book "Siblings Without Rivalry"? Might have some helpful info!

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J.C.

answers from Cleveland on

Ugh! It's awful, isn't it? And when you see them during the good moments, having fun and laughing together, you just can't understand why they can't do that all the time, right?

My son is 12, my daughter is almost 9. They will go for several months at a time behaving beautifully toward each other, then one of them hits a "stage" where the balance is disrupted and then they have 15 arguments a day! We are going through that right now, because my daughter has already started the "Nine Year Change", though she has six weeks before she turns 9. My son is at a wonderful phase - 11 - 12 is a nice calm age. The Nine Year Change is over and the teen years haven't hit yet. But, with his sister at 9, she is very aggravating, and he has trouble dealing with it. And it's not just aggravating for him - but for all of us. We will be glad when this stage has passed. But, it can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months.

I'm wondering if your daughter has hit the Nine Year Change, also, and that is not helping matters any.

Anyway - sorry to ramble. Here's what I do:
1) Consistently state my expectations - "we treat each other with kindness and respect".
2) Put all their privileges for the week or the month on the blackboard. When they treat each other poorly, they have to erase one of the privileges, and it's gone. I do not allow them to earn it back. (That wouldn't really teach them anything, in my opinion)
3) Make sure that they each get a turn every day to have my undivided attention. The other is not allowed to interrupt whatever it is we are doing. During our private time we do things like play games, read, take a walk, go get ice cream. And very often, (since they are enjoying my attention and in a good mood and willing to listen) I use this time to talk to them about their relationship with their sibling. I try to get them to see the other's point of view, and empathize with whatever the other one may be feeling.
4) Last, and only when they have a really big fight, do I pull out the "You-are-brother-and-sister-you-always-will-be-and-when-I-am-dead-and-gone-you-will-only-have-each-other-and-no-one-else-will-ever-have-the-shared-memories-you-two-do-when-no-one-else-is-there-for-you-your-sibling-always-will-be-so-you-better-start-learning-how-to-get-along" speech. : )

This is what I've been doing all summer break, and it has been working very well. I hope that you are able to make use of some of these ideas.

Good luck!

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K.R.

answers from Spokane on

My kids are younger so we haven't hit the "pre-puberty" stage your daughter is in, but our biggest focus on how to treat/talk to/talk about others is very simple. Make sure your words are used for kindness (this goes for actions too). That's it.
Of course my kids slip up, but I just point out (gently) that if the same thing was said to them or about them it would make them feel sad/embarrassed/angry, and to remember that words are used for kindness. I also use my words for kindness towards them and when I'm on the phone chatting with friends or my husband. If I lose my temper with my kids, or act in a way that is less than patient ;) then I apologize later and tell them what I was feeling when I said whatever it was but that I shouldn't have made them feel bad.
This takes a lot of focus and energy some days, because some days they seem bent on not getting along, even when I am interacting and trying to be a buffer. Lately my 3yr old delights in irritating her brother, this is very trying for all of us, but I try to just keep on keeping on!
Also, consequences match the actions. Today my 6yr old was vacuuming and the 3yr old wanted a turn, she wouldn't move out of his way during his turn. I told her simply that if she didn't move, he couldn't finish his turn, so she wouldn't ever get her turn. She stood there for a minute thinking about this and realized that what I said was true. She jumped up on the couch with me for snuggles and he willingly finished his turn and gave her the vacuum.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

You EXPLAIN child development to them.
I did that with my eldest child, once I had my 2nd child.
THAT worked.
SHE understood, even if she was 3 when I had my 2nd child.
If my daughter could understand that at that young age, an older child can too. What her younger brother was like developmentally and what he can/cannot do, in contrast to her and what she can or cannot do, and that she was like that too, when she was younger.

THEN you teach them what "family" is, and that being a sibling means having each other's back.
That they need to be a 'TEAM.'

Then you also have to let each child, per their age, have their own things, do their own things, and have alone time too... and be taught that they can ASK for that, when needed.

AND teach them about respecting each other's privacy... and that everyone is DIFFERENT.
That, they are NOT NOT NOT, the same.
And that's fine.
They are individuals.
So rejoice in that.

DO NOT LET "bullying" behavior to happen, among siblings.
My sibling was a MEGA BULLY and it was so hated and so OPPRESSIVE, for me, the younger one. It was MISERABLE.

DO NOT ALLOW your eldest, to BULLY.
Period.
CALL her on it.
POINT blank.

THEN, each day, make your kids DO something nice for each other and to say something nice about each other. Like 3 things. AND to do it, for you/Daddy too.
TEACHING them, about thinking OUTSIDE of themselves.
It takes, learning.

My kids are 4 years apart as well.
They get along.
We do not compare them.
We teach them not to compare themselves too.. .that it is NOT A Competition.
They are individuals. NOT the same and don't have to be the same nor do the same things. AND that, they need to watch out for each other... because, they only have each other. And thus, you take care of one another.

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C.W.

answers from Sioux City on

Lead by example: model the behaviors that you want your children to exhibit and ask your babysitter to do the same. Your children watch what you do and repeat your behaviors.
Teach kindness, empathy, and big-picture thinking. If you are driving and another motorist cuts you off, do you curse or calmly state that the other driver must be in a hurry or having a difficult day? If a friend of yours takes a position that you cannot support, do you condemn the position or do you state that, while you understand why your friend has chosen that position and you support your friend’s right to take that position, you hold a different position? If you get laid off at work, do you speak ill of the company or state that, while you regret losing your job, you can only hope that this round of lay-offs can help the company remain in business so that your former co-workers can keep their jobs?
Exhibit calmness, gentleness, and a sense of humor. Calm and gentle responses, especially when confronted with difficulties, is a learned behavior that is essential for healthy human interactions. Humor helps people, adults and children alike, “roll with the punches”.
Give hugs and kisses often. Additionally, tell your children often that you love them.
Praise your children when they exhibit loving behaviors.
Practice shared family activities and emphasize the value of family. If a family member experiences a success, hold a family celebration. If a family member experiences a challenge, hold a family support session. Foster a sense that each family member shares in the successes and challenges of each other.
Include your children in information about the happenings in your home and lives. This is especially true if you and your spouse are expecting. Let your children know about their anticipated new sibling. Involve your children in planning and preparation.
When sibling rivalry occurs, be objective, don’t play favorites. Treat your children firmly but respectfully. Don’t speak badly of one child in front of your other children. Encourage your children to get to the root of their conflicts and discuss them openly, negotiate fairly, and find resolution where possible. When all else fails, encourage your children to agree to disagree and accept that outcome peacefully.

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S.G.

answers from Rapid City on

By not taking sides but correcting both with each arguments will help. Understand there will always be some between them but unless you are right there all the time you can't see who is actually provoking who. My youngest son use to yell "shut up" to his brother all the time in the morning and i would get after him because I hate "shut up". One morning I followed my older son down the hall without his realizing it and heard him lean into his brother (5 1/2 years younger) and say "you're a girl" which my youngest would yell "shut up!" I realized that each time I got after the youngest, I should have gotten after the older one who instigated it. One thing I did was make each of them my favorite in something. Who is my favorite 9 year old? Who is my favorite 5 year old? I kept journals on the kids since they were babies and we would read them together. They all would see how much I loved each of them by the stories I told. Hitting is a automatic time out in my house with the grandkids, my kids got spanked if they hit and that was a lesson learned really early. They got into arguements but hitting wasn't part of it.

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C.A.

answers from Dallas on

Hold your head and say...Ohhhhhhhhh! Say it like you are in lots of pain. Tell them they are draining your energy by all their bickering and fighting and now they have to replace your energy. Tell them you have to hire a babysitter and to pay for a babysitter they have to pay for their sitter with one of their toys. Hire someone to come over but better yet tell one of your mommy friends your plan and the next time they fight then have your friend come over and you go somewhere to relax and have fun. Go anywhere you want and then have the friend have them go get one of their toys. Make your friend have them give her one of their recent toys so it makes an impact. Plan this out beforehand with your friend. Then come home and say your energy is restored now. The next time they fight....say Ohhhhh and hold your head again and that your energy is getting drained again and see how fast they straighten up.

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

Leave the house. Seriously, without an audience kids don't fight. Why do you think your kids are good for the sitter?

The psychology behind it is the one you defend you love. That is Dr Phil psychology mind you but if you leave they will behave.

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J.B.

answers from Rapid City on

For me, siblings are designed to be lifelong friends. When your other friends bail on you, your parents pass away, in the end you are left with your siblings to be your lifelong friends. When my kids argue, pester each other, etc...I tell them "This is not how we treat people that we love - both of you go sit on the couch together until you can play nicely". Or, I give them an activity or puzzle or problem to solve together. YOU can teach them to work together, and to understand each other's strengths/weaknesses, and in the end they were designed and born to be lifelong friends.

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