Appropriate Consequence for Hurting a Sibling?

Don't let the family outing come into the equation for punishment. It is a family outing, not a reward for him personally. I think you did well for the first two incidents. You can make him wash walls, the toilet, the breakfast dishes. Sometimes I ask the child who did the harm, "How do you think you could make this up to him/her?" They come up with some good ideas sometimes, like making the sibling's bed, helping them get dressed, giving them their own candy, sharing a coveted toy, hugs. Good luck and enjoy the museum!

I urge you to take the family outing. Not going is too far away from when he hit to be a teaching moment. And it punishes the whole family.

A more serious consequence won't teach either. I would focus on teaching him. Have you tried listening to him and not lecturing? The immediate consequence of being separated from his sib is a natural consequence. I would send him to his room and tell him he can come out when he's able to say he's sorry. Do this over and over. It's the consistency that teaches.

Changing the consequence puts the focus on the consequence instead of finding out what is going on in his mind and helping him learn how to handle anger. Role play situations in which he's apt to feel anger. Model for him what to do when he's angry. If you hit when you're angry he's doing what he's learned to do. I'm not saying you do. If you yell when you're angry he's learning it's OK to lose control when he's angry. What do you do when you're angry?

A calm and consistent, "go to your room until you're able to say you're sorry" will eventually work when combined with teaching him what he can do when he's angry.

There are many good books written for children about anger. You can find them at the library as well as a book store.

After your SWH: All the punishment in the world will not help him learn appropriate ways to deal with his angry feelings. Punishment instead of discipline will only make him angry. He may stop the hurting of his brothers. However, his feelings will go underground and come out in a different way.

You've punished him and it didn't help. I don't understand your logic in thinking more severe punishment will help.

Also, I see this behavior as common and not serious. He has feelings and doesn't know how to appropriately handle them. This is an opportunity to teach.

You said you know why he does this. If you could tell us, we might be better able to talk about effective ways of discipline.

Above all, I would take the family outing. It has nothing to do with his behavior. The outing is for the family and will help build stronger bonds.

I don't know if he's just impulsive with his anger or possibly feeling jealous of younger sibling? It sounds like maybe a little of both. Perhaps you should try the reward system. Every day that he goes without fighting or physically hurting siblings he gets a sticker or some type of reward that is meaningful to him.

There is research out there that says you should reward behavior you want, not necessarily punish the behavior you don't want. Perhaps both would be a good idea so he has some incentive to do better.

Hi D.,
I don't have boys, I have girls....but they're in the same age range. My oldest just finished 2nd and she has two younger siblings. We were having a problem with her just being plain old mean. Girls are different, so it wasn't so physical, but similar to what you're saying none-the-less. I was being very reactive to each situation and the oldest was typically punished and I couldn't figure out why it was getting worse despite my best efforts. Finally, one day out of desperation (and not too long ago) I sat in her room after I calmed down. I held her on my lap and asked her why she thinks this keeps happening. When I stopped to listen to her response I broke down. I called her sister in to see if what I was hearing was true (you never know!), and her sister immediately started crying. My oldest was being provoked, but because she was the oldest, she was expected to just take it. We've had long talks and have started evening out the punishment and that has definitely helped us. (I feel like a bad mommy already, so please everyone out there...don't judge me).
I don't know if this makes sense or if that's what's going on for your family, but it's an avenue to explore. Hang in there. Motherhood is HARD.

He hurts his younger sibling on purpose.
He knows that. He is 7.
He knows it is not nice. He is 7.
He knows it is mean. He is 7.
A 7 year old knows this.

Is he jealous of his sibling?
Get to the ROOT of the problem.
Or he may keep doing it.
He is putting his resentment/anger/jealousy/frustrations onto his younger sibling.
Try asking him WHAT is bothering him.....
If you don't and just keep punishing him... then resentment will just keep building up in the elder sibling. It does not address, the root of the problem. Not saying that he should not be punished. BUT, that, you need to find out, what the heck is bothering him... and then acting out.... toward his younger sibling that way.

Teach him, that he is family. Siblings look out for each other. Family looks out for each other. Not hurt them.

Teach him, that developmentally, his 3 year old sibling, cannot do what he does nor understands things like he does. That is a big developmental difference between a 7 and 3 year old.
My kids are 4 years apart. I have always taught my eldest, how her younger brother is different developmentally and does not know things like she does. So that, she gains "empathy" for her younger sibling.

I don't have a 7 year old, as our boys are 3 and almost 6, but this is not unusual behavior for them. Do they know it's wrong? Yes. Do we let them get away with it? No. But it is very normal.

I do agree with what Marda said. When this happens, just tell him to go to his room until he can calm down and apologize. He does need to learn that you will not tolerate his behavior, but I'm not sure such drastic punishments are going to be effective. When you hand-out punishments that are this extreme to a 7 year old, there's a good chance the connection between the act and the punishment will be completely lost.

I would focus much more and building positive relationships with his siblings. Maybe find ways for him to bond with each of them individually. Also, make sure he knows that you understand feeling angry or jealous or whatever. Make sure he knows that what he's feeling is ok. That doesn't make it ok to hurt his siblings, but it's ok to feel certain ways. If you see him acting out, try to reach out to him before things escalate. Not always possible, but it's important to try.

Remember, when kids act up, it's usually because they are upset about something. With little kids, it's usually because they aren't getting enough positive attention and they figure negative attention is better than no attention. I think 7 years old still falls into the category of "little kid."

I really think you all need to go on this family outing. Having fun together can really help them all to laugh together and feel good together, and that's going to help their relationships much more than a punishment ever will.

I have a 9 yr old boy. If he hit his sister with a light saber with the intent to hurt, the saber would be in the trash can immediately, no matter how much it cost or where he got it.

You have been given some good advice. I always try to make the punishment fit the crime. So if he hits with a toy it either goes in the trash or is hidden for a looong time. Giving him extra chores is effective and tell him to think about what he did while he works and have a discussion when he finishes about what happened. If little brother needs his room cleaned big brother must do it to make up for hurting his little brother.
I have also used the idea that Lynn suggested and it works. Often times they give themselves a bigger/worse consequence than I would have given. :)

I have lots of boys in my extended family these ages. We're talking families with up to ten kids in them. They do not do this. Here is what WOULD happen if they did it. Pain begets pain. Their dads (or moms, but again they don't have this behavior in kids this old, so he may be a bit big for a mom spanking) would calmly explain that for hurting their sibling they will have a spanking to be reckoned with and then some hard labor. They don't have luxuries like video games to remove, but they might lose a privilege, but probably not necessary after a seriously stung bottom and hauling all the firewood or cleaning out the garage, etc. Their parents don't like to remove educational or social opportunities. My four year old son is also not aggressive to his sibs, and if he was, that is how I would handle it, and he knows it. That's how my parents would have handled it, and that's how my husband's parents would have handled it. So we never acted aggressively to others. It's not popular, but it's effective, again, the boys I'm talking about are happy, loving kids who do not hurt their siblings. Same for my kids, same for me as a child. You could warn them in advance, then follow through with calm warning, serious spanking (not angry), separation and hard chore. I bet you wouldn't have to do it more than once since he's old enough to make connection and is acting deliberately. If all else fails, keep it in mind.
***I like all of Anita's ideas of restitution, and I would use them AFTER consequence.

ps Don't skip family outing. IMO, family activities are totally separate than discipline issues, and should not be mixed. My kids NEVER miss outings. They just need to behave on them.

Talk to your ped about a psych evaluation. This isn't normal "bad" behavior. There may be a deeper issue here that needs to be dealt with.

After the action, he needs to make restitution to the child he wronged besides being punished. Perhaps have him make his brothers' beds for the next 3 days. Or have him clean their rooms. Or he can use his money (allowance, savings) to take his brothers to get ice cream (for them but not him). Perhaps he needs to plan a fun day for his brothers and do all the work that goes into the planning, set-up and conducting of such a day.

Also, perhaps have him write a letter of apology to the child he wronged. In it, he should tell what he did, what he felt when he did it, the many ways it hurt his brother, and why he won't do it again. He also may want to tell his brother what he will be doing as restitution (as prescribed by your discussion with him) and make his plea for his brother to accept his apology. Then, have him read the letter to his brother, just the two of them and a parent moderator. Then, the brother will need to be given the chance to state how his actions hurt the brother and to accept the apology and to agree that the restitution is acceptable.

Conquences are not working.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your son has some severe anger issues. He needs to be in counseling, maybe family counseling so you and dad can find out what is going on in his head.

As far as the family outting goes, go!! He needs to see that he is as loved and as important as his brothers are.