Appropriate Consequence for Hurting a Sibling?

Updated on May 28, 2012
D.B. asks from Lewisville, TX
11 answers

About a week and a half ago my 7 year old (J) punched his 3 year old brother in the stomach. Less than a week ago J jabbed at 3 yr old hard with a light saber (with the intent to hurt him). Tonight J bit his 5 yr old brother.

After 1st incident, J spent the remainder of the day either doing chores or on his bed and he was not allowed to play with his brothers. We discussed other ways to handle anger, what his role is as the big brother, how he would feel if someone hurt him, etc, and he apologized.

After 2nd incident, J spent a lot of time on his bed (house was clean already, darn it!) and he lost all electronic games for 1 week. We had another talk (I asked questions and made him do the talking).

I am at a loss for what to do. He obviously needs a huge consequence, but I just don't know what. We are supposed to go to the children's museum tomorrow for a family outing. We haven't had an all day outing for just our family in awhile, and this was going to be special time to just have fun together. On one hand, I don't think he should be able to go anymore. On the other hand, we'd then no longer get to have our family outing (yes I or my hubby can take the other 2, but the whole point was for ALL of us to go together). I am sad and frustrated.

My husband talked with J to find out why he keeps hurting his brothers, what he can do differently, etc. J was told we have to discuss what his consequence will be. This all happened right before bedtime, so he's now asleep. Any suggestions before the morning would be appreciated!

Added: J is almost 8 and is just finishing 2nd grade. He definitely connects the consequence with the action. He can verbalize it. He is not randomly being aggressive. I just did not put why because it doesn't matter why as far as what I'm asking here. I know why, and it's absolutely not because he's jealous. I know because I do not just lecture him (hence the word discuss, and the whole him answering questions). Yes, I praise him for appropriate behavior, but he is not 3 yrs old, so just having a reward chart and sending him to his room until he apologizes does not cut it. He can write a one page essay (for school) and teach a 10 minute family lesson on being kind and respectful within the family. Ever since he first became a big brother almost 6 years ago we've taught him about loving and protecting his brothers and how important family is. He is a big kid, not a little kid. If this happened at school, he would be suspended. At his age it is a serious offense, and unacceptable. Therefore, it requires a serious consequence. And no, it doesn't affect his relationship with his brothers. They have a very strong bond, are normally very loving with each other, he's practically inseperable from 5 yr old, and the worst punishment ever is to separate him from his brothers. However, a short time-out doesn't make that big of an impression, and I don't think a prolonged separation is approriate, so natural consequences in this case just aren't enough. So if anyone has some better suggestions, I'm all ears!

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So What Happened?

Thank you for the later responses!! Just what I needed to put me on the right track. I almost trashed the light saber right after that incident, but it's not just J's. They all share toys, and it would have punished the other 2 also. J did draw a nice picture for 3 yr old bro. and apologies always involve brother hugs and lots of giggles afterwards. Whoever noted he may be provoked, yes he was provoked, but I didn't want people to focus on that because in our home there's no excuse for physical violence. I'm the oldest of my siblings, so I'm very conscious of that dynamic. We definitely address it with the other child as well.

Thank you to all who encouraged us to not cancel the family outing. That felt wrong, but in the distress of trying to figure out what to do, it was hard to think straight! Which is why we waited to finalize a consequence :)

This morning I asked J what he thought his consequence should be. He said stay away from his brothers for a week. He looked so sad! I said absolutely not, that's too mean. I took Lynn E's advice and asked J how he thought he could make it up to his brother. Together we came up with a list of 7 nice things, so every day for the next week he will pick one thing to do for his brother (and I reminded him he doesn't only have to do 1 thing each day, nor does it have to stop after a week!). It was really sweet because J thought of some things that his brother has been talking about, so he's really doing things that brother will appreciate.

Thanks again! I know that serving others helps strengthen relationships, so I'm looking forward to less contentious times!

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L.E.

answers from Provo on

Don't let the family outing come into the equation for punishment. It is a family outing, not a reward for him personally. I think you did well for the first two incidents. You can make him wash walls, the toilet, the breakfast dishes. Sometimes I ask the child who did the harm, "How do you think you could make this up to him/her?" They come up with some good ideas sometimes, like making the sibling's bed, helping them get dressed, giving them their own candy, sharing a coveted toy, hugs. Good luck and enjoy the museum!

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

I urge you to take the family outing. Not going is too far away from when he hit to be a teaching moment. And it punishes the whole family.

A more serious consequence won't teach either. I would focus on teaching him. Have you tried listening to him and not lecturing? The immediate consequence of being separated from his sib is a natural consequence. I would send him to his room and tell him he can come out when he's able to say he's sorry. Do this over and over. It's the consistency that teaches.

Changing the consequence puts the focus on the consequence instead of finding out what is going on in his mind and helping him learn how to handle anger. Role play situations in which he's apt to feel anger. Model for him what to do when he's angry. If you hit when you're angry he's doing what he's learned to do. I'm not saying you do. If you yell when you're angry he's learning it's OK to lose control when he's angry. What do you do when you're angry?

A calm and consistent, "go to your room until you're able to say you're sorry" will eventually work when combined with teaching him what he can do when he's angry.

There are many good books written for children about anger. You can find them at the library as well as a book store.

After your SWH: All the punishment in the world will not help him learn appropriate ways to deal with his angry feelings. Punishment instead of discipline will only make him angry. He may stop the hurting of his brothers. However, his feelings will go underground and come out in a different way.

You've punished him and it didn't help. I don't understand your logic in thinking more severe punishment will help.

Also, I see this behavior as common and not serious. He has feelings and doesn't know how to appropriately handle them. This is an opportunity to teach.

You said you know why he does this. If you could tell us, we might be better able to talk about effective ways of discipline.

Above all, I would take the family outing. It has nothing to do with his behavior. The outing is for the family and will help build stronger bonds.

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S.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I don't know if he's just impulsive with his anger or possibly feeling jealous of younger sibling? It sounds like maybe a little of both. Perhaps you should try the reward system. Every day that he goes without fighting or physically hurting siblings he gets a sticker or some type of reward that is meaningful to him.

There is research out there that says you should reward behavior you want, not necessarily punish the behavior you don't want. Perhaps both would be a good idea so he has some incentive to do better.

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M.P.

answers from Dallas on

Hi D.,
I don't have boys, I have girls....but they're in the same age range. My oldest just finished 2nd and she has two younger siblings. We were having a problem with her just being plain old mean. Girls are different, so it wasn't so physical, but similar to what you're saying none-the-less. I was being very reactive to each situation and the oldest was typically punished and I couldn't figure out why it was getting worse despite my best efforts. Finally, one day out of desperation (and not too long ago) I sat in her room after I calmed down. I held her on my lap and asked her why she thinks this keeps happening. When I stopped to listen to her response I broke down. I called her sister in to see if what I was hearing was true (you never know!), and her sister immediately started crying. My oldest was being provoked, but because she was the oldest, she was expected to just take it. We've had long talks and have started evening out the punishment and that has definitely helped us. (I feel like a bad mommy already, so please everyone out there...don't judge me).
I don't know if this makes sense or if that's what's going on for your family, but it's an avenue to explore. Hang in there. Motherhood is HARD.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

He hurts his younger sibling on purpose.
He knows that. He is 7.
He knows it is not nice. He is 7.
He knows it is mean. He is 7.
A 7 year old knows this.

Is he jealous of his sibling?
Get to the ROOT of the problem.
Or he may keep doing it.
He is putting his resentment/anger/jealousy/frustrations onto his younger sibling.
Try asking him WHAT is bothering him.....
If you don't and just keep punishing him... then resentment will just keep building up in the elder sibling. It does not address, the root of the problem. Not saying that he should not be punished. BUT, that, you need to find out, what the heck is bothering him... and then acting out.... toward his younger sibling that way.

Teach him, that he is family. Siblings look out for each other. Family looks out for each other. Not hurt them.

Teach him, that developmentally, his 3 year old sibling, cannot do what he does nor understands things like he does. That is a big developmental difference between a 7 and 3 year old.
My kids are 4 years apart. I have always taught my eldest, how her younger brother is different developmentally and does not know things like she does. So that, she gains "empathy" for her younger sibling.

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B.G.

answers from Champaign on

I don't have a 7 year old, as our boys are 3 and almost 6, but this is not unusual behavior for them. Do they know it's wrong? Yes. Do we let them get away with it? No. But it is very normal.

I do agree with what Marda said. When this happens, just tell him to go to his room until he can calm down and apologize. He does need to learn that you will not tolerate his behavior, but I'm not sure such drastic punishments are going to be effective. When you hand-out punishments that are this extreme to a 7 year old, there's a good chance the connection between the act and the punishment will be completely lost.

I would focus much more and building positive relationships with his siblings. Maybe find ways for him to bond with each of them individually. Also, make sure he knows that you understand feeling angry or jealous or whatever. Make sure he knows that what he's feeling is ok. That doesn't make it ok to hurt his siblings, but it's ok to feel certain ways. If you see him acting out, try to reach out to him before things escalate. Not always possible, but it's important to try.

Remember, when kids act up, it's usually because they are upset about something. With little kids, it's usually because they aren't getting enough positive attention and they figure negative attention is better than no attention. I think 7 years old still falls into the category of "little kid."

I really think you all need to go on this family outing. Having fun together can really help them all to laugh together and feel good together, and that's going to help their relationships much more than a punishment ever will.

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S.K.

answers from Dallas on

I have a 9 yr old boy. If he hit his sister with a light saber with the intent to hurt, the saber would be in the trash can immediately, no matter how much it cost or where he got it.

You have been given some good advice. I always try to make the punishment fit the crime. So if he hits with a toy it either goes in the trash or is hidden for a looong time. Giving him extra chores is effective and tell him to think about what he did while he works and have a discussion when he finishes about what happened. If little brother needs his room cleaned big brother must do it to make up for hurting his little brother.
I have also used the idea that Lynn suggested and it works. Often times they give themselves a bigger/worse consequence than I would have given. :)

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A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

I have lots of boys in my extended family these ages. We're talking families with up to ten kids in them. They do not do this. Here is what WOULD happen if they did it. Pain begets pain. Their dads (or moms, but again they don't have this behavior in kids this old, so he may be a bit big for a mom spanking) would calmly explain that for hurting their sibling they will have a spanking to be reckoned with and then some hard labor. They don't have luxuries like video games to remove, but they might lose a privilege, but probably not necessary after a seriously stung bottom and hauling all the firewood or cleaning out the garage, etc. Their parents don't like to remove educational or social opportunities. My four year old son is also not aggressive to his sibs, and if he was, that is how I would handle it, and he knows it. That's how my parents would have handled it, and that's how my husband's parents would have handled it. So we never acted aggressively to others. It's not popular, but it's effective, again, the boys I'm talking about are happy, loving kids who do not hurt their siblings. Same for my kids, same for me as a child. You could warn them in advance, then follow through with calm warning, serious spanking (not angry), separation and hard chore. I bet you wouldn't have to do it more than once since he's old enough to make connection and is acting deliberately. If all else fails, keep it in mind.
***I like all of Anita's ideas of restitution, and I would use them AFTER consequence.

ps Don't skip family outing. IMO, family activities are totally separate than discipline issues, and should not be mixed. My kids NEVER miss outings. They just need to behave on them.

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

Talk to your ped about a psych evaluation. This isn't normal "bad" behavior. There may be a deeper issue here that needs to be dealt with.

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A.B.

answers from Dallas on

After the action, he needs to make restitution to the child he wronged besides being punished. Perhaps have him make his brothers' beds for the next 3 days. Or have him clean their rooms. Or he can use his money (allowance, savings) to take his brothers to get ice cream (for them but not him). Perhaps he needs to plan a fun day for his brothers and do all the work that goes into the planning, set-up and conducting of such a day.

Also, perhaps have him write a letter of apology to the child he wronged. In it, he should tell what he did, what he felt when he did it, the many ways it hurt his brother, and why he won't do it again. He also may want to tell his brother what he will be doing as restitution (as prescribed by your discussion with him) and make his plea for his brother to accept his apology. Then, have him read the letter to his brother, just the two of them and a parent moderator. Then, the brother will need to be given the chance to state how his actions hurt the brother and to accept the apology and to agree that the restitution is acceptable.

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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

Conquences are not working.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your son has some severe anger issues. He needs to be in counseling, maybe family counseling so you and dad can find out what is going on in his head.

As far as the family outting goes, go!! He needs to see that he is as loved and as important as his brothers are.

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