Need Advice on How to Handle 3 Year Old Boy

With my boys, I am a big time out believer. I have a timer that I set and let them hold onto the timer. I sit them in the time out chair, give them the timer. One minute for each year. ( My 4 year old gets 4 minutes since he's 4 and my 8 year old gets 8 minutes since he's 8.) I tell them to sit until the timer goes off and not to move or they will get another timeout. When the timer goes off, we talk about what happened, give hugs and kisses and our day continues, but with better attitudes. It has worked for me thus far. Hope this helps you.

What is he actually doing that you object to? Kids get mad sometimes, how do you want him to show you that he is angry? I would encourage him to find ways to express his anger (sometimes the baby cries, sometimes the baby stinks, sometimes he wants something he can't have, sometimes he wishes he had you all to himself) in a way that works for your family....could be hitting a pillow or foot stomping if he is a physical kid, or a verbal expression of anger that doesn't involve yelling. Teach him how to get mad, show him you understand him when he is mad, and he will be much more cooperative with your requests. If you know he wants to go to the park, try to stay positive, as in "let's get dressed so we can go to the park", and then if he doesn't respond, ask him what the problem is. Say, I know you want to go to the park, but you aren't getting dressed, so what is the problem?" Let him learn to problem solve. Threats are usually not necessary or helpful. This can be a hard age and a big adjustment to another person in your family, but he will grow up and his life so much richer for having a brother.....talk this up with him, the joys of all the things they will do together when they are older.

I am not there yet. My son is 1 1/2, but I've been in a playgroup that read and disucssed a great book, at length. It's The Emotional Life of the Toddler. It's long, but has lots of good examples. It is in line with one other book suggested here that stays away from time outs. Also a good one is Adele Faber (sp?). I can't remember the name, but you'll find her easily if you do a search. She's working with older kids, but some of her methods--like choices--may help. I recommend the Emotional LIfe. It's a rich resource. I also strongly suggest that you take from all of these sources what works for you. And, follow your instincts. If you think this behavior is not your kid, or something is going on. Check it out with someone. Don't let people tell you it's just a toddler if you really think something else is going on. Listen to you gut. You know him better than anyone, probably.

Hi T.,
I started taking my son to Tuesday's Child when he was 2 1/2 for similar issues. We don't have any other children though, so that might definatel be a factor in your home- the older one kind of wondering where he stands now- having to share his things and parents' attention- that's stressful on a little one. And remember, their all ego right now too!
We had great success at Tuesday's Child as our son was and still can be extremely oppositional. I know you said you're not interested in giving out candy or making sticker charts, but you've got to find a way to a make the daily routine fun for him. If there's nothing in it for him, what's going to motivate him?
For exapmle, I have leared to always praise the good behavior and ignore the behaivor I don't like. That way my son learns that if he wants my attention he's going to have to use good behavior to get it.
Secondly, I always give him choices- its time to go to the park, do you want to put your shoes on now or in two minutes? If he says two minues, I say ok and set a timer. When the timer goes off it's time to put his shoes on. If he protests, I say Do you want to go to the park (yes)? Ok, me too- the way to get to go to the park is to put your shoes on. I really want to go to the park, can you please help me? (No!) Its time to put your shoes on, do you want to do it, or do you want me to do it? (You do it!) Ok. Then we put on shoes and off to the park we go.
Or I've also used a snack to get him moving too. For example; when you get your shoes on you can have a swedish fish. He loves those so he comes running.
The object is to get you out the door and on to your next thing without a lot of hassle. Its important to be firm, yes but its also important to have fun.
Oh and leaving time for them to have a freak out. If I'm running late, I have less patience or time for these upsets. I try and start getting ready 20 minutes before we're going to leave so that we can get out the door on time. This doesn't always happen, but it something I strive for.
Also, I would look into your son's diet. My son has suffered from 'leaky gut' for pretty much since he was born but I didn't know abou it. Its a pretty involved discussion, so I won't go into it here, but if you're interesed in checking out the info. the web address to what we're doing is www.bodyecology.com This along with Tuesday's Child has helped Ben immensely. I hope that helps.
blessings,
J.

It sounds like he needs time in rather than timeout. There are several good books on why traditional discipline (time outs, rewards and punishments) generally don't work well in the long run. Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper, Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and Positive discipline by Jane Nielsen. These books are based on a lot of research. Time outs were originally devised as a way of training pigeons - the long name is time out from positive training. It all involves love withdrawal and in the end puts distance between you and your child. If your 3 year old has sibling rivalry issues with his brother, then the worst thing you can do is give him a time out when he is already feeling left out. A better approach is to give him a hug and then when he is calm talk to him about what is going on. Attachment parenting is more work but the end results are very rewarding. The library has these books or Amazon. Good luck.

Your situations sounds very similar to mine. I have been married just over 6 years with 2 boys although my kids are slightly older than yours (oldest born in January 05 and youngest born in November 06). Ever since the younger son was born my older son was very jealous of him. Ever since birth he has been hitting, pushing, etc. him just for the heck of it (probably to get attention). Ever since he was about 3 and 3 months old he started being rough with other kids at the part or at preschool too. He is very confrontational and most of the time fights me and my husband on everything we ask him to do. We read the book Love and Logic and How to behave so your children will too and really think they help (it sounds like you may have read love and logic too from your question). However, I have a really hard time always following through and being consistent even though I know I should be. Another thing I've realized recently is that I tend to react with anger when my 3 year old does something wrong, and that this causes him to fight back. However, if I respond with sadness instead of anger, he tends to feel guilty and not continue acting out (at least for the short term). Also, if you point out the positive more, this helps too, so he gets a positive self image. Finally, it helps to review the discipline books regularly because I find he acts better (or I act better) right after I re-read the books. I live at 60076 (by Old Orchard mall), so a bit of a drive, but am happy to get together if you think it would be helpful.

Read 1-2-3 Magic! It really works like...MAGIC!

I am also not a sticker/reward person and can relate to wanting to be consistent and firm, but you have to make sure that the requests/ultimatums are things that he can reasonably do. If he is working himself up, it may be rather hard to respond to "if you don't get dressed and get your shoes on, we are not going to the park," the first time you say it. But maybe if you say to him clearly that you will ask 3 times, give him space in between, try to react dispassionately (without anger or frustration or sadness), and let him see the natural consequence of his choice (that he can't go to the park - not because you won;t let him but because kids who are not dressed are not allowed in the park), that may help.

My daughter was a peach all through her "terrible" twos, but became really tough to handle when she was 3. She's just over 4 now and expecting a new brother AND sister in October so we're going through some transitions for sure. I've been trying to make sure that I "catch" her making good decisions and let her know that I noticed, and she often says to me "I made a good choice!" and is very pleased with herself. She has shown me that it's been more effective when she feels that she has power over her own destiny and happiness, rather than when I or my husband try to wield that power too much.
My ultimate suggestion is to read up on different approaches and pick and choose the best elements that match your own style.
good luck!