Need Advice on Relationship - Mattapan,MA

He is neglecting your child. He is neglecting you. Do you really consider that "having both parents?" ...Here's my fear for you....it's not going to get any better. ..(and it won't.) Your son grows up watching and learning how to be a husband and father, from his father. He learns how to pick a wife/gf by watching his mother. Do you want your child to grow up to be 'just like Daddy?' cuz that's how it happens.
It makes me so sad to think that you can't feed yourself. This is what we do. (meaning I did it ,too) Sacrifice and sacrifice and get nothing in return. By accepting this behavior, you're changing WHO YOU ARE. ...for what?
I know that a shelter does not sound very glamorous, but what IS glamorous is looking at your son...eye to eye ...(cuz he's 6 ft, now) and him knowing you did not settle for less than you deserve.
I'm not trying to talk you into leaving your man. I'm just telling you my experience.
I'd like for you to re-read your post. There are several things in this that throw 'red flags'up to me.
Feel free to contact me...I'm always here.

From personal experience I wish I had stuck hard to my guns and left when my son was still that young. Don't get me wrong, I love my H and loved him then, but I can guarantee it would have been better not to be raising 2 children when one of them was an adult. Regardless of "might have beens" I cannot even begin to express how broken, lonely, scared, jealous (of others who DID have partners), angry, and alone I felt during that time period. 6 years is a LONG time. And when your "partner" isn't, you have each and every single one of the drawbacks of being a single mum, but none of the benefits (like a support system, freedom, chutzpah, and a sense of being *worth* not having to fight for yourself each and every single day, not to mention court ordered child support). God. Looking back on that time period literally breaks my heart. And in addition to how exhausting it was, I couldn't ever let myself break down in front of my son... and believe me that kind of self control doesn't come cheaply.

My husband DID eventually "grow up". 6 years after kiddo was born. And it's still an uphill struggle. Luckily for us his immaturity mostly manifested in him being gone all the time (school, work, the boys, and then a year long affair... whee). Literally from 5am-10pm for over 4 years. Then he did the drinking thing for 2 years and the times switched to 10am-3am.

There are a NUMBER of ways to get out of a shelter. One being going to school. It can take awhile for financial aid to kick in, but once it does, you can look at ###-###-#### a month "left over" in financial aid. Which is more than enough to live on with an infant (I did, and I'm in an expensive city). Not extravagantly, but well. Same token, most schools have "family services" or "womens services". Their programs vary, but range from childcare subsidies to free childcare to housing to jobs.

Another thing to consider is that shelters are different. There are drop in homeless shelters that accept kids... but it's better by FAR to go to transitional family housing/ single parent housing. These are usually dorm type affairs, or converted hotels, or apartments, or homes that are split between several families. IE they're NICE. Not as nice as having your own place, but not scary/creepy like drop in shelters either. I'm not sure if Hopelink is available in your area... but Catholic Community Services are nationwide and simply STUNNING in their array of cares. There's no conversion factor, and in none of my experiences with them have they ever pushed religion on anyone.

All my best to you sweetheart.
R

First and foremost you must be true to yourself. If you are happy, your son will be happy. I know all about being with a selfish man (my son's dad and I divorced about a year ago) and it is very hard, emotionally and mentally. There are programs out there that can help you. You can apply for WICK and food stamps. There are also state programs to help with the cost of child care if you want to go to work. Sadly i doubt that your sons father will change much anytime soon. Isn't there a family member or friend that you can stay with? Being in an unhealthy relationship is hard on the soul. When my son was an infant i used to put him in his bounch seat in the bathroom with me while I showered. I would talk or sing to him so that he knew that I was right there. Being a parent is a tough job and SOOOO worth every sleepless night. Having 2 parents under the same roof doesn't make a child happy, having 2 happy parents makes a child happy.

I think it's great that you want your son to have both parents, but also know you can't force it. The same way your boyfriend puts a priority on pot and video games, you have to put a priority on your son and yourself. Basically if you think about it, right now your boyfriend is acting like a child because he's not owning up to his full responsibilities. You have one child. You don't need to sit at home and feel like you are raising two. Also, you need to look into assistance. In your situation you will be eligible for medicaid, WIC, which will provide food for you and your child, and tons of other help for single moms. Don't feel alone and like you can't make it without him. There's got to be someone, a friend, a distant family member, or someone that can help you out , if only for a little while. If not, don't be afraid to do what you have to. Also, I don't know what your religious standings are, but I was very much in the same situation where I didnt have any friends here or any family, and believe me, a good church can do amazing things in your life. I started going after never having been to church in my life, and the people become like family. Good luck and God Bless.

He won't change any time soon.
He sounds young?
Still, even young men have been shown to step up, when it comes to their child.

You can do counseling together.
You can do parent classes together.
You can get legal about it, and get a lawyer and designate custody and support for your child. Which I would do... for the future stability of your child and custody... and what if he one day wants to take your child out of state etc.?
You can get help... call social services, apply for food subsidies, apply for medicaid or child medical plans for those who can't afford it.
Call your social services agencies, to see what they can provide...
Call your local church.. and see what programs they have to help families in need with food/clothing/babysitting etc.

Ultimately, you cannot rely on him, now and perhaps in the future... unless he suddenly grows up, and/or sees the light and stops being a lump on a log.

If he cannot deal with the stress of a family and/or he is depressed which can happen when smoking pot regularly.. then he needs counseling...
Or he is apathetic because he stopped smoking pot and now he can't cope with the realness of his responsibilities so he plays video games all the time to cope and distract from the REALITY of his life.

He can't cope and does not want to cope. If he is unable to find help for himself and CHANGE for the betterment of himself.. then he needs counseling.... and perhaps a mentor who can direct him. He needs direction since he cannot seem to gather himself up by the bootstraps, HIMself.

Have your family or friends support you somehow or provide help, in any way they can.

reach out... to social services, family, friends, a local church, to find help. If you cannot buy yourself food, the what about baby? You NEED to get government aide, or something.

Next, would you be better without him? Is him being in the "family" really for the positive? When your baby is older... he WILL need good role-models, and not an irresponsible selfish Dad. If you all stay together and it is agreed upon... then he has to Dedicate himself to it... no matter what it takes.
AND YOU NEED to survive, now, no matter what it takes.
Do what you need, do what is possible, do what is impossible, do what you have to for yourself AND your baby. THAT is the priority now... not "love" or ideals of love and what it should be. It is not as it should be now. So, do whatever it takes, to survive for your baby and as your baby's Mom.
You are a Mom... now. THAT is priority.
Do NOT create your baby... to be like your boyfriend. Kids, have a real knack for "copying" their parents, for better or for worse.

All the best,
Susan

You are in a really difficult situation, and it sounds like your really isolated in terms of friends and family support as well. Taking care of a baby is hard work, even in the best circumstances and I would guess that your probably feeling very mentally and emotionally exhausted. You have already received a lot of good advice, but I can't help but add to it, since I grew up in a situation similar in certain ways to what you describe and I deeply sympathize with what your going through.

The circumstances you have described are similar to what my mom went through. It is really hard to have the energy and determination that you really must somehow have in order to improve the situation for you and your child.

Depending whether or not you choose to stay with him and try to make it work for now, I would recommend a couple of things that **I would do** if I were in your situation. I don't think these suggestions would make sense for everyone, but this is what I would do if I were in your shoes.

First, if you stay with him even another day:

Find a way to quietly save enough money, however you possibly can that you can leave him if you decide to, at a moments notice and go someplace safe. That may mean just enough for a bus ticket to a shelter, or enough for a hotel for a few days, but the more prepared you are, the more empowered you will feel. If he starts doing anything abusive or dangerously neglectful to you or the baby, you need to have a way to get out of there.

If you are willing to consider leaving him, or at least living separately from him (it doesn't have to be permanent):

Consider a finding a live-in home health care position helping an older or disabled person in their home, where you can have your baby there with you. Often people don't want to move into elderly homes and just need someone to be there with them. Be honest about what you can offer in terms of care and unique circumstances with your baby, but be as opportunistic as possible.

Consider finding a live-in nanny position for a family that needs you. Having to divide your attention between multiple children is a challenge, but it can also be a benefit to the baby, since kids really enjoy the socialization with other children. There might be a family out there who would be happy to have you as a live in nanny.

Get your name on a list for public housing in a populated community, and seek out other community resources that others here have mentioned.

Consider rooming up with another woman in a similar situation in a more populated area where you don't need to rely as much on a car. It may be difficult, but single moms (so long as they are clean and sober) are a determined bunch of folks and often do much better in co-operative households where they can support each other, exchange childcare duties, cut expenses and share friendship.

Try to find a job working from home, by telephone. These jobs don't pay that well, but it is something you can do without a car and with few job skills. There are telemarketing and other phone-only jobs that hire people to work from their home. Practice your telephone voice. Verify that the company is reputable. Depending on how much you work, you may still qualify for cash and food stamp benefits, but it would be a stepping stone to other jobs. Having an employment history of some kind is very valuable, even if you still collect state benefits.

The most important thing that you can do is find some way to build your independence (financially and socially), even if you choose to stay with him. If you are independent and capable, your choice to stay with him will be clearly separated from any dependency on him. It may be the only way he will be inspired to grow up and try to be a good father and partner, and it may be the only way you will be confident to leave him if he just isn't capable of that.

Try to take care of yourself as much as possible. You may feel like the best thing you can do is to make sacrifices for others, but remember that you must take care of yourself so that you can be there for your baby. If he is four months old, you have many challenges ahead of you, so try to take advantage of his flexibility, since it may seem to get more difficult as he gets a bit older. I have a little boy too and I found the ages of 12 -16 months to be considerably more challenging.

I really hope something in all these reply's helps you.

It sounds like your partner is providing a roof over your head, and that's about it. You and your son deserve much, much more than that. Still, if staying with him keeps the two of you out of the shelter, then your decision to stay put at least for the moment is probably a wise one.

That said, I think you may need to face the fact that your partner may never do the growing up he needs to do. Unfortunately you can't make someone else change; they have to turn some corner in life that pushes them to do it themselves. Now, since there aren't many more life-changing events than the birth of a child, and the birth of yours has produced no more than the lame changes you've described, I'm sorry to say that there may not be much hope for your partner stepping up to be man he ought to be. At least not any time soon.

I can tell from your message that you're a smart woman. You're articulate and kind. And right now it seems to me that you need to use all your smarts, all your gifts, all the resources in your command as creatively as you can to make things better for you and your son. My advice to you in this situation, since you can't depend on your partner, is to do anything and everything you can to empower yourself and remember that when you are empowered your son will be, too.

Use whatever, and I mean WHATEVER, services and benefits the social system provides to get yourself ahead. Use the computers at your library to research them. Call or visit your local Department of Human Services and ask them to send you all possible info on classes and other services they offer (many will let you bring your baby along). If you have a local YMCA, see if you qualify for a free membership; there are some that offer them to people on public assistance.

Don't let your situation isolate you from people who can give you help and strength. Since your partner is giving you no emotional support, find a Mom's group that can do that for you instead. Hospitals often have free support groups for new moms where babies are welcome, too -- plus you can often find bus service to get to them. Call the nearest hospital or the one where you gave birth and see what they offer. And while you're at it, find out what other classes or events you might be able to attend for free (don't forget to tell them if you're on public assistance -- there may be even be some pay classes that you can still attend free). Also think about calling local places of worship to ask what support groups they offer. You DO NOT have to join the church to attend these meetings if you don't want to. If the first group you go to feels funky, try it one time more. Still funny? Try again unless you're completely skeeved out, and then go on to find another group. There's a good chance you may even strike gold right away; if not, be persistent. You deserve to have people around you who support you, care about you, and understand what you're going through, and I promise you that those people are out there.

Consider this, too: you can change the world and your own life for the better when you put your energies into causes you care about. Volunteer organizations are usually very open to people bringing their kids along to their meetings, and they're also really great places to meet people who share your interests and concerns. So if you're into animals at all, think about joining a volunteer organization like the Humane Society or the SPCA. If litter or noise oin your neighborhood are driving you nuts, look for a community action group aimed at fixing those things. If your own experience with the difficulty of finding decent affordable housing ticks you off, see if there's a local chapter of Habitat for Humanity that you can join. Like old people? Maybe you can consider volunteering for Meals on Wheels. There's a group out there for every interest, and like I said, most volunteer groups are used to babies and kids tagging along, so you won't have to find a sitter for your son.

If you haven't already, take advantage of your local library. In addition to borrowing books, movies and CDs for you and your boy, you can use their computers for free to do research on anything I've mentioned that might interest you. The two of you can go to story hours together, and when he's a bit older your son can take part in kids' events like arts-and-crafts classes while you get a few quiet moments for yourself.

You said you'd love to find a job. Another plus of doing all (or even just one or two) of these things is that research has shown that the best way to find the job that works for you is to meet all the people you can. And the best people to meet are the ones who know lots of other people and who are involved in lots of public organizations and activities.

Whew. I know that's a lot to swallow. If these ideas seem a bit intimidating to you at the moment, they'll be easier if you take them a step at a time. If you're shy, remember that you need to be a bit bold now for you and your son. Your family needs a leader, and considering your partner's unwillingness to do more than the bare minimum, that leader is probably going to have to be you. So don't waste energy fighting with him. It's not good for you or your baby, and it sounds like it may not do much good anyway.You have an unquestionable right to ask and expect your child's father to do better, but since he's so resistant to putting out any more effort than he already is, it may be better just to start turning the world yourself.

I hope you'll get out there and grab all that's yours. I hope you'll get in mind what you need and ask for it. And ask for it again. And keep asking whoever and wherever you can think of asking until you find the path that takes you where you want to go. I really, really believe that you can do this. And who knows? Maybe you'll show your family how wrong they were when they didn't believe in you. Maybe you'll set an example for that man of yours. Maybe you'll be the inspiration that gets him off his behind and someday makes him a better role model for his son. Or maybe you'll meet someone who deserves and will treat you better. No matter what, *you* will be the light that leads your boy to a good and happy life. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Wow! I really feel for you.Try reading Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. It's a very good book on relationships.

I admire you for wanting this relationship to work out- even if it's tough. God bless you!

you need to seek couples cousling....of any kind.

I understand wanting your son to have both parents there, but if you're not happy and there's tension, it might be better in the long run to separate. Is there a YWCA close to you? I work for a YW and I know that we have housing for women. Maybe that could be an option? They might also be able to help you with childcare and getting on your feet. Good luck!

You've received a lot of practical advice. I'd like to add that having both parents is only beneficial if the parents are both present, committed, and responsible. It doesn't sound like your baby's father is that. Just loving your child is not enough. As your son gets older it will be increasingly important for his father to be a good role model for your son and for you to have the support you need from your partner. Right now he is more of a liability, and that is unlikely to change. People rarely change, and if they do it has to come from inside them, not because of outside circumstances that they perceive as pressure.

You will be OK, you're clearly strong and have your own priorities straight. THAT is what your son needs! YOU WILL BE OK, YOU CAN DO IT!

Kick that man to the curb.

Are these posts real??? This sounds like something from Jerry Springer!

my answer still is leave him your waisting your life away i know i been there he will never change. also you can fill out a form for low income housin. it looks to me you dont want to leave him. i feel for you i realy do. but do not waiste your life away because of him.
B. mello

You need to get out of this relationship. It's not good for you and it's not good for your child.

If he wanted it to work, why did it take 9 months to get a job and stop smoking pot. This is NOT a person who wants to make it work. He obviously does not care about you or his son. What makes you say he loves his son? A parent who loves their child puts their child first, if there's only enough food for one the child eats and the parent goes hungry, if the child needs food or clothing the child gets formula and diapers and the parent gets nothing, if the child needs a diaper changed or needs to be fed the parent stops what they're doing and tends to the child, if the child is sick the parent stays up all night nursing the child. A parent works 2 or 3 jobs to make sure the child has basic need (food, clothing, medical care & shelter)Your boyfriend doesn't do any of these things so what makes you think that he loves his son?

Why can't you get a job? Those cash benefits your getting can pay for daycare. Save up some money and leave, even if it means going to a shelter.

A child needs a loving, caring, responsible parent. Not parentS who don't care about him.