Need Friend Advice

C.,
You are right that people are taking advantage of you. I'm sorry. Do not worry about being polite, when these people are being so rude. They probably won't hear your polite answer, anyway. If it doesn't feel right to you, the answer is NO. No explanations are necessary. Your twins and you come first. Period. For example, return phone calls as you are able and IF you feel like doing it. And, no, you do not babysit other people's children at this time. We mom's are here for you! And you are being anything but selfish. Stand firm and get ready for some fallout from these extremely selfish people.
Amy

Hey C.!
I think i emailed you back yesterday but haven't heard from you- I would love to get together sometime and talk about things! I have plenty of friend issues as well. And quite simply- you are a busy mom of two doing it all on your own- so don't worry about saying no- she should understand, and if she doesn't well tough! Would she want to watch your two little ones all the time? That's a lot for anyone to handle- twins- and especially at that age- but on top of that to watch another child that leaves a mess- is rediculous. Why not get a name or two of some babysitters that are recommended and let her know about them- that is a neutral way to say no but still be helpful.. just a thought! I don't remember where you said you live? Let me know if you would like to get together sometime soon- I am a proud single mama of a beautiful 11mth old boy named Payton! ###-###-####
D.

Hi C.,

The more you practice setting boundaries in your life, the easier it will be for you to do so. People will push us only as far as we are willing to let them (much like our kids).
You might want to say to her something like "Your friendship is important to me and that's why I want to let you know now that it is just too much for me to watch your little one so often with as much as I have on my plate. If you are in a total bind, I want to be here for you and if you could plan ahead with someone else to babysit...that would be great."

And then weave into the conversation "And with twins and being a single mom, it really is so much easier on me when you call before you come to visit." You might even want to compliment her for anytime she has called first and how it made your life easier...and your time with her even more enjoyable.

It doesn't sound like she is doing anything deliberately...it's just that we teach people how to treat us. When you say yes to her, you are saying no to you or your kids. It's not about being selfish, it's about taking care of your needs and your kids needs. By setting boundaries it comes down to you having choices and choosing your time with her and her child.

Returning phone calls...that's another thing that you get to teach people. Perhaps you can start telling people now something like: "I just wanted to let you know that I love getting your calls. With as busy as I am, I will get back to you and it won't always be right away. I want to enjoy every minute of my children so I appreciate it when you are so patient. If you don't hear from me in 2-3 days, go ahead and give me a call to remind me. You know, I really appreciate your support.
Ofcourse it's not going to sound exactly like I'm saying it however, it's just to give you an idea of how it can sound.

Good luck and congrats on your twins!
J. B., RN, CFLC
Life Coach ;)

God bless, I dont know how you do it! I have one quick thought... maybe you should turn the tables on her just one time. Plan an evening to go out with your friends or just by yourself and ask her to watch your twins. Once she sees how difficult it is, maybe she'll back off. If not, then maybe you can use her babysitting services to get a break more often. She owes you anyway! :) Or you can always be honest and just tell her that you are really pooped out from being with the twins and you just can't do it today. Good friends understand.

Good luck!

Denise

I to am a single Mom of twins (15 months). I would try to turn around the situation and ask your friend to baby-sit for you one day so she can see how flipping hard it is and maybe she will re-think asking you again. Also, as far as the friends who get ticked when you can't drop everything and call them back just ignore them. I had the same problem and I always called them back but maybe a few days later. I started inviting them over and when they ask can I help you I say yes, fold that laundry or can you load those 8 bottle into the dishwasher etc. they all got the point on how busy I am every waking min. and now finally get it. Goodluck, it's gets harder when they become more mobil

I am also married and both my husband and I work. I did approach a friend with a 3 year old and a newborn about watching my 2 kiddo's. I asked because 1. I really like my friend, I think she is an awesome mom and my kids love her and her children. 2. Money wasn't a motivator for me, I would have paid her the same as I was paying my current sitter. My friend also polietly declined. She said she would love to watch my kids, but having a newborn takes up so much of her time and she just didn't think now would be a good time. If your friend should take that as a polite no. You have twins, don't get much sleep, your super busy with changing, and feeding and interacting with your own children, that you don't think that you could handle having another child in the mix, someone would be missing out on your full attention, and your just not interested, but thank her for thinking that you would do a good job.

About her child messing up the house. That is an easy one. Next time they come over and play, and they are getting ready to leave, look at the child and say, I really could use some help cleaning up all these toys. Would you please help me. If the child responds no, the mom should jump in. Maybe mom, just doesn't notice the mess her son has made. 3 year olds definately make more of a mess than 4 month olds. Her house may be clutter with toys and she may be oblivious to the mess.

As far as you returning phone calls, if they are your "friends" they should understand that you have twins! Just remind them of how busy and tired you are.

Hope that helps
Good Luck with the Babies and the Friends
E.

How frustrating that must be. You have so much to do right now it's sickning your married friend is even asking anything of you right now, if anything, she should be offering to give you a break. It kindof sounds as though she is taking advantage of you. And for the messes that are left behind that is ridiculus. I would politely ask her daughter to pick up anything she has left behind. Three year olds can handle some responsibilty.
Is she oblivious to your situation? Maybe you just need to explain to her how busy you are, and simply say "No". But don't apoligize for not being able to babysit for her.

As for your other friends, don't feel bad for not being able to get to them as soon as they want. You have a lot on your mind right now, they can wait.

Good luck with everything

No, you are not being selfish. No one has the right to expect you to regularly babysit, without setting up an in-kind arrangement or paying you for your time.
I guess I would try to be up-front in a calm and polite way and say "You know, I'm really busy with my own two, and need to make an arrangement with you where we swap babysitting or another favor. Or you need to get a babysitter."
Good luck!

Any "friend" who wants to drop off their child to a single mother of infant twins is not a friend - this is a user. Don't be afraid to say, "I really have my hands full with the twins, so unless you want to babysit them tomorrow, I can't really help you out." I have also had issues with some "friends" who get upset if you don't call them back immediately. I have weeded these needy people out of my life. I don't mean to sound harsh, but we are moms - we don't have time for this petty stuff. If your "friend" can't figure out why you don't have time to call him or her back immediately when you have twin infants, then this is NOT your friend. Explain the situation to this friend, and if they can't deal with it, too bad.

Hi C.,
Your friend probably sees your babysitting as playtime with your twins for her kid. I don't think she realizes that it's not something you care do do since they already visit frequently. Don't be afraid to speak up and tell her you need a break. Ask them to babysit for you sometimes. Also, don't let her kid leave w/o helping your kids clean up the mess. All kids know the clean up song by Barney! Start singing and watch them start cleaning!

Friends that get offended becaue you don't immediately return their phone calls will get over it. You are a single mom with twins and you may not have the free time that they have. Either explained that to them or just ignore it and don't loose any sleep.

M.

Oh my....where to begin. As tactfully as possible, tell her that she needs to babysit for you. I have 22 month old twins, a 5 year old and a partner and there's no way when my guys were that little I could have handled having someone dropping in, leaving a mess and leaving their kid behind. The complete lack of consideration for your needs and feelings is amazing. All of your friends need to know in very simple and clear terms what you need. I actually found that folks were more than happy to help me once I told them what I needed...groceries, a load of laundry, whatever. You need to speak up. Also, we changed our voice mail to say "Josh, Daniel and Ethan can't come to the phone...this means K. and Alex will NEVER get to the phone again. Leave a message and we'll call you back when we can." A humorous way to get your point across. Talking on the phone was at the very bottom of my priority list at that stage!

C.- < My advice, be honest with her. Tell her how you feel. Start a clean up routine right before they leave. If she can't handle how you feel, then maybe it is time to cut her off. I know that seems harsh, but it seems friends come and go depending on the season of our lives. You sole responsibility is for you and your family. Take care of this first.

As for the babysitting, same advice...be honest. Tell her you would be willing to sit only if she were in a bind. Tell her it is too much for you and your children. Again, if she is not understanding, what kind of friend is she?

Good luck, let me know how it turns out!
K.

Why are you offended that she asked you to babysit? I would be flattered that she thought I was such a great mom that she would trust me. I can completely understand not wanting to do it. It really isn't a good idea to be friends with the person who is watching your children...it can ruin a friendship too quickly, but to be offended that she asked? I think your other friends are getting to you!!

Just tell her that you value your friendship, and you are worried that getting into the babysitting things may cause you to not be friends any more. I think it is a pretty easy explanation.

As far as her "stopping by," TELL HER. Being honest is the only way to handle those things. Just tell her that you really need her to phone before she comes by. Then, you have the option to tell her that you are busy. Trying to find a way around being honest isn't going to work.

PLEASE!

You have twins! They require work and twice as much at that. I have a 3 yr old and they do make a mess but at this age you teach them to be respectful and clean up after themselves, if the mother isn't doing that she has much to learn. Given that she simply drops by I'm guessing she doesn't have manners as a top priority.

It sounds like you don't want to be mean and being a single mom that is totally understandable, you don't know if you will need help someday but I have a feeling that these people are not the type of people that would truly help you out in the first place, well, and not have it really cost you later. My advice is the next time she comes by, tell her that you are busy and she really needs to call first. A key to raising twins (or any child) without making yourself crazy is to have a schedule. Tell her that you are experimenting with schedules and the "drop bys" are going to have to end. You may feel you sound mean but that is only because boundaries were not set up before. If she doesn't like it, she isn't a friend and only wants you to do things for her, not someone that would be willing to help you out in a bind.

As for the friends who get mad because you don't drop everything and call them back, I'm guessing they don't have twins at home, or even children. Tell them, jokingly that you're lucky you get to shower everyday and maybe they will get the picture.

I'd find a twins support group too because you need to find some friends that get it!!!!!!!!!

Good Luck,
L.

Hi C.,
I'm Appalled!
Mom here of 7 month twin boys and a preschooler! Congrats on your twins! Hands to you for doing it on your own. It is a challenge for me and I have a very hands on husband.
The early months are sooooooooo hard, atleast it was for us. Take care of yourself and your babies!!!!!
I am still exhausted, not getting much sleep and to think about babysitting is out of the QUESTION!!
Messes, can't handle them either. It is hard to keep up with the kids let alone others.
We have friends who over stay their visits and leave a big mess with their 2 kids. They were not invited over for the first 2 months b/c we had such a hard time just making things work for us. They still don't come over much b/c it takes so much out of us.
If your friend is a friend, kindly tell her that you are super tired, getting little sleep and having a very hard time keeping up with the twins, your own sanity and your home. It is just too hard for you to watch her child as well.
As for calling others back, it is hard. Ask your friends if they would like to talk to stop over to chat and HELP out.

I can say that those who do not have kids really cannot understand all that goes into parenting until they have their own and the same goes for twins.
My mom always says one child is like playing house and 2 are work and you have twins!!!

There is a neighborhood bunco for all the women once a month and I have yet to go since I had the boys. Even though, everyone is a parent, from some of the women, I get a little guilt trip. I respond by saying my husband is unable to nurse the babies. Plus, one never nurses before bed but will wake up 1 to 2 hours later for his feeding. The other will nurse a little then wake up later to nurse again. My family comes first and that is just the way it is. Luckily, most everyone around me is very supportive have kids of their own and have no idea how they would manage twins. That always make me feel good, b/c we are managing.
Keep up the good work. Things will get easier. :)

Good luck to you! Any questions, please ask.
M.

Wait, I'm confused here...YOU are the single mom WITH TWINS and they expect YOU to have the time to baby-sit? Please. That's insane. I'm a FT working Mom and my husband works FT, also. Most of our friends have kids in the group and I never, I mean NEVER have asked any of them to baby-sit our son. Some of the Mom's do sit the other kids as a favor once in awhile. But, for the most part, don't.

Personally, if you can be honest with them, do it. Say that you barely have the time to manage your own life and being a single mom OF TWINS have the added pressure of doing it alone. If they can't understand that then I don't think they are truly good friends.

About people getting angry about not returning calls...are they parents? If so, you could probably joke about it. If not, they have NO idea what a typical night after-work is like! I run into this sometimes with my sister. We used to be able to talk and talk but since having Jacob, my nights are filled with making dinner, cleaning up, play-time, bath-time, bed-time. At that point, I want a cup of hot chocolate and a chance to visit with my husband before we both fall asleep!

I think you should just be honest, without being insulting, and see where it goes.

Good luck, though. Sometimes people are so fricken touchy! LOL.

T.

Hi C.
I am a firm believer that if you are not getting anything out of a friendshiop other than a headache and uncomfortable situations - then it sounds like it's more work than fun - it's time for a GBU: Girlfriend Break-up...sounds harsh I know - but sometimes old friends just grow up differently...
As for returning phone calls promptly - that's just riduculous - you are a single Mom with twins! You're friends need to get a grip on reality...
sincerely
R.

As far as your friends and phone calls, just remind everyone that you are raising infant twins and if they dont get that you are busy, nothing you can say will make them get it. I have friends like that as well. The issue of babysitting, you can politely decline, when they ask, just simply tell them that you have your hands full with your kids right now, or that you had prior engagement, I know it might sound horrible to lie to a friend, but if they are not getting it, you might need to create excuses every now and again other wise you will lose your sanity.
I hope this helped.
M.

Congrats on your twins. God bless you and them. Ok..In my opinion, she is not a friend. I have had many many people act like this and I just clean house so to speak. I don't let people like this "into" my life anymore, I dont need the drama and I dont need to bring myself down everytime I would worry about offending them. I true friend would not act like this, and would be sympathetic to the fact you are on your own. I only have one and shes 7.5, but still its hard. You are NOT selfish. And if people cant understand why you cant drop everything and return a call at this second, they arent true friends either.. Please feel free to email me personally if you ever want to talk..K.

First of all, let me say that I wonder about this "friend" who thinks asking the mother of twins to babysit is even remotely acceptable. Can she not see how busy you are when she comes for one of her frequent visits? She should be asking you if SHE can babysit for YOUR kids so you can catch a break (I am the mother of 3 kids, 6, 4, and 1, and I have a friend with new-born twins, and I actually go over to her place to help her out when my husband has mine because I know how much work she has on her hands!)

So I think I would be re-evaulating this friendship or at least wondering if it could do with a hiatus till you feel you have your life back a bit. I know I didn;t see anyone for about 6 months after each of my kids was born.

But if you absolutely feel you owe this person something, try this:

"Oh, Gladys, so nice of you to call! Of course I would love to see little Ashlay Madyson, but you know, I am just so crazed right now, I just don;t think I could handle it. (Insert your chore list here--the babies just spit up all over your sofa, you haven;t taken out the diaper genie in a week, better yet, call her when they are both screaming--I mean it, they'll survive for five minutes and then she can get an earful of what your daily life sounds like). What I would love to do though is find some time to spend with you--it has been so long since we had an uninterrupted grown-up onversation. Say, I have an idea! Let's pool our money and get a sitter for an hour so we can go have coffee."

If she doesn;t get the message, then you have a really tone-deaf friend on your hands and it may be time to find some new ones.

I wish you luck! be sure to write us and tell us how it goes!

T.

I was going to send you a response, but after reading what everyone else wrote. All I can say is, take heed to wht warnings of those who have been in that situation. I can honestly say I haven't. For the simple fact that I refuse to let anyone else children mess up my home. Tell her that if she doesn't have enough respect for her children to make them behave at least have enough respect for you to make sure they take care of your home. Or else don't visit. And as for babysitting; tell her you'll babysit her kids after she takes the twins...Good Luck. If you surround a golden apple with bad apples, pretty soon all you'll have is BAD APPLES. Remove her from your life and get a real friend that will help you instead of beating you down. My God bless you and those bundles of joy.

Girl, I understand this one personally. I have been friends with people like that in the past. I don't take that any more. When someone comes into my house with their children, I make them and their children clean up before they leave. You can't allow someone to come into your place and make a mess. If she doesn't respect that, then she's not a real friend. The only way to say "No" and to be polite about it is "Just do it". You have 2 children who I am pretty sure are a hand full especially being a single mom so I would suggest that when you don't feel like it, don't do it. You're not being selfish...you're being real.
C., if it were a survey that asked how often I answer either of my phones, I would be in the lower 5%. I mean, there is not enough time in the day to tend to everyone's beck and call. If they get offended, just let them know that you are a busy person. My ex once told me this " The best way to get over it is to get back on it". When he first told me that, I was pissed, but I have realized that people have to get over some things so your friends will get over it...trust me. You have to put your foot down. Perhaps, don't be as harsh as me, but be clear and get your point across.

C.,
First of all let me start with congratulating you for still having wits being a single mom is tough enough without doubling the work with twins. The situation to me sounds like you have been the friend in your group to always be available when you were needed, the helping caring friend. I am shocked that the friends that are upset that you are not returning phone calls, since it can go without saying that you have had your hands full. As for the one that wants you to babysit....it seems that the selfish shoe is on her foot. I would simply explain to her that your plate is full, and honestly if she can't understand that, you will probably always have issues between the two of you. You will have the sleepovers at your house, you will pick the kids up from practice, you will have them for dinner..etc... It sounds like your the giver, between the two of you, and it's funny how your priorities adjust when you experience the miricle of birth. What was ok for our friends to do to, or with, us, is suddenly not ok for our children because you hold their concerns above your own.

Long story short, just let them all know what is going on, and that you just need some time to get back on your feet...

Good luck!

H.

Dear C.,

I am sorry that your friends are doing this to you. Sometimes people don't realize how they are behaving and that is no excuse. The next time your friend asks you to babysit, just be blunt and tell her you can't because you need a break. That you have your hands full with your twins. I would also mention to her right before she leave that she needs to have her daughter pick up. My 18 month helps pick up at my friends house so a 3 year old can. You may want to even say something to the child like 'It's time to pick up your mom wants to leave, if you don't pick up you can't come over for a while.'
I would tell your friend that calling before she comes over would really make you happy.

As for your other friends they should understand that you can't drop what your doing just to talk. I had a friend like that once, so I left a message on my machine that said. 'I am busy right now I am either sleeping or feeding, bathing or changing the kids, and leave a message and I will call you back.' Don't be afraid to tell your friends that when they do call that you can only talk for a minute. My youngest is two and I still say stuff like that.

Good Luck because for the next couple of years you are going to have your hands full with the kids. You may lose a friendship because of it, but just remember they really weren't worth having if they don't understand that your family comes first.
B.

With twins that young, I would just tell her "No" if she gets upset with you then she wasn't much of a friend. Two to contend with are alot more work then just one and to add that child into your mix you are going to have to buy stock in Rogain!
As to the friends who get upset that you do not drop everything to chat they are just going to have to get the picture that your lifwe has changed. Friends fall away through out our life but there are new friends to be had!

Good Luck

Clarrisa,

Hi, Twins how blessed you are. As for you neighbor for her to even think that you have time to babysit another child she out of her mind.

I would just tell her that I am sorry but I really have my own hands full with my twins and I can no longer babysit for you.

As for your friends not understanding that you area single mom with a set of twins. Maybe they don't have any children let alone twins and understand that right now and for a few more years your gonna be a bit busy with the babies.

I would explain to them all again that your life is very full and that you dont mean no to return their calls and or mails but you are very busy with the twins.

Maybe a playdate for you and your friends to come to your house would be nice. Show off your babies. They are beautiful.

Good luck.

J.
www.noahbyjodi.com

I think she may only be asking because she is comfortable with you being with her child than anyone else. That's a good thing. But she should see how busy you are with TWINS! Drop suttle hits "I haven't sat down all day and you want to send your kid here, haha. If she doesn't catch on, you need to let those hormones roll in and just flat out say no. Your friend need to understand that with 2 new babies you do not have the time to talk like you used to, if they don't then they are not your real friends. Real friends would be there for love and support....and HELP! Now is the time you will find out who those people are. I lost alot of friends when I had my first...who needs them anyways? Good luck to you and your family.

Hi C.,

Sounds like this is just a matter of boundaries. (I am a Life Coach and this is a very common challenge for many people (saying 'no' without hurting feelings or the relationship).

A very easy way for others to receive a 'no' (without getting their feelings hurt) is for them to first hear or understand (from you) that you would like to help them out.

Because your friends situation is different than yours (1 child, compared to your two, and married vs. your singlehood) she understandably (but a bit surprisingly) has no idea what YOUR reality is like (a bit maxed out, I would say).

My advice would be to say something like this: (Note: I put important words or phrases to include in your communication in ALL CAPS)

"I would love to help you out more (or babysit for you more), but with the twins and no other hands around here to help me, it is difficult for me, AT THIS TIME, to handle anything more. I am sure this will change as the twins get older...but for RIGHT NOW, I am not able to babysit your child (or can only sit for X amount of time).

I hope you can understand that I am doing the best I can, and what I need most right now is to keep my time, home, etc. manageable."

C., a lot of people are afraid to communicate directly what they need or feel. I don't know if this is you or if you have no problem doing so. From my experience, I can assure you, if you are not able to care for yourself in this way (or in other words...stand for yourself) the tension or stress in this particular area of your life is likely to get worse, until it eventually breaks and makes it more uncomfortable for you.

Regarding your friends who get offended when you don't immediately return calls...you could either change your outgoing message to say something to the effect that "I am not able to take your call right now...and, unless it is an emergency, it may be a few days till I can return your call.

Or, you can talk them directly and say.... "I know it is frustrating to call me and not hear back from me right away...I would be frustrated to..but right now, all my time is consumed caring for the twins, the house, and then myself. I very much want to talk/visit with you. The first minute I am truly free of any chores or responsibilities here...I will call you."

(Note: What your friends ultimately want is to know you still care about them and want to spend time with them. They love you and probably do understand (logically) that you are up against a lot. They just need to know you still think about them and want to spend time with them).

Hope this helps.
L.