What Do I Say????? - Dana Point,CA

Out of 4 paragraphs, I couldn't find ONE valid, actual reason why you don't like the woman, or her child. Color me confused.

Why feel bad that her kid is bored? That's her lookout. You're nice to be sensitive to her feelings, but she's going so far overboard that you need just to be unavailable by phone.

Your family's schedule alone means you just don't have time for play dates -- yet you let her son come over. Why? If your kids do like spending time with him, that's one thing. Do they? If not, are you doing this out of pity? Don't -- her child needs his own activities and she seems unable or unwilling to find any for him. If your kids actually do like to play with him, however, invite him -- there's no need to cut him out -- but only on your terms, with very specific invitations issued in advance, not letting him come over when mom calls and he's at your door five minutes later.

I would tell her very nicely next time she calls: "Sally, sorry, but we can't have Son over to play right now. I don't know if you realize, but the three kids play three sports each, and that means we're tied up most of the time after school, evenings and a lot of weekends too. If the kids are around to play outside some Saturday or Sunday we'll get in touch, but between school and sports -- the kids are super busy!" With a big smile in your voice. Sounds like you may have to repeat this, combined with screening her calls and simply not taking most of them, until she finally gets the message.

By the way, I wanted to add that the term "spazz" that you use for the boy comes from "spastic," which is an old term for people with "spastic" or seizure conditions such as epiliepsy, and now it gets used just to mean people who are clumsy or clueless. It's listed as "derogatory or offensive slang" in the dictionary. Please just consider not using it any longer. I'm figuring here you just may not know its origin or how it sounds to others.

Learn to say no and stick to it.

She is taking advantage of you and the only way that will stop is to be consistant with "No thank you", "no we cannot watch your child right now"

You "owe" her nothing.

You can only be used if you allow someone to use you. I know you want to spare her feelings but think about it.... Is she thinking about your feelings, schedule, etc... Nope. She is thinking of herself.

Dont answer the phone or the door, if she corners you when outside, repeat... no thank you. She will eventually move on to her next target when she realizes she can no longer use you.

Good luck.

She's taking advantage here totally. You're best to keep telling her you're busy-especially when she calls to see if your son can come over to your house. If she keeps calling, stop answering your phone.

I had a "friend" that would only call me if she couldn't pick her kid up from school and wanted me to bring him home. Since I knew she was just being lazy (she lived two minutes from school) I just quit answering my cell phone when it would go off 10 mins before pick up time. It took most of the school year, but she eventually stopped calling.

Spazz? Sorry, this just sounds kind of a mean thing to say about a five year old boy. Did you decide the child is a spazz, or is that what your kids have decided? Hopefully he will get to know some other children in kindergarten to play with because it sounds very sad that they are trying so hard to be friends with you and your children.

Rinse and repeat with what you have been doing. That's really the only thing that you CAN do without getting nasty and most certainly hurting her feelings. You are telling the truth that you are busy...no need to elaborate and tell her that you do not trust her to care for your children.

OK...I'm confused here.....the kid is a "spazz" ...why exactly??
You just don't like your kids hanging out with this kid and he's not your kind..is that it? Wow. And how old are you that you do not have better language than "spazz"?

Stop beating around the bush and put your "very straightforward and tell it like it is without much of a filter" attitude to use. If this is really who you are, I don't see why you are still having a problem. I shoot from the hip myself and when I say something, filter or not, it's understood.

So, based on no information at all except you just feel uncomfortable about it you have decided to limit your interactions with this neighbor. BUT you do let her son come to your house...I don't understand this at all.

Either you like the family or you don't. I don't think you have given her a chance. She has asked and asked. You just don't want to. I think you need to step up and get to know her better. That way you may find out what it is about her that you don't like then you can settle this once and for all then cut ties with this boy. You know this has to be making him feel odd, left out, and not liked.

Say nothing. Stop taking her calls. I don't remember the last time I got stuck talking to someone I didn't want to talk to, not on my personal phone, anyway. Answer your phone when YOU feel like it.

I'm curious how you know the child has no social or developmental issues. You describe him as always moving and going through things, not to mention "spazz". Children with developmental issues do not come with "diagnosed ____" stamped on their forehead, and their parents don't necessarily announce it to the world. Perhaps this child does have developmental, social or mental health issues that you know nothing about. I know you consider that "off topic," but you're the one who gave that as part of the history. So, it is totally fair to include it as history in the response.

I don't know why she wants you to watch her child, given how you feel about her child. Nonetheless, simply tell her that you are unable to watch her child and that your kids can't go over to play. If you want the kids to be friends, you can add "we'll try to get the kids together soon." If you don't, then just let that be the end of story. If you consistently are not available to help her out, she'll stop asking.

Hi,
I get it. You don't want to have to be asked to watch her kid. The next time she calls it could go like this:

Lady: Hi J. I am in a tight spot and I need someone to watch Johnny. I'm going to bring him over in a few. K?
You: Hi, _____I am sorry but that won't work for us.
Lady:What? Why, you know Im in a tight spot.
You: Oh...sorry to hear that-- I am sorry but that won't work for us. Good luck! I have to go now, dinner is waiting for us. Bye.
Lady: Oh, ok. Bye.

It is awesome that you are listening to your gut and you don't have to justify it or explain it to anyone. If you feel something is off about her- listen to your gut. You don't have to be nice anymore if she isn't getting the picture. Tell her nicely No that won't work for us and if she keeps persisting---say, I understand you are in a position to need help. But I am not comfortable with helping you anymore. I wish you the best but please don't call me anymore about this. I am done discussing this with you. She should get it after that. Good luck.

Oh and I thought your word choice was funny. I never considered the word to be derogatory.

Don't you just love how people get so far off topic?!

Anyways:
"I know your son enjoys time with our kids, and I know I've helped you in the past, but we are just so busy right now with school and sports and such; it's just a lot for me to handle with four kids. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't ask anymore, because I always feel so bad having to turn you down; and I'm sure it must be disappointing for you too. Would you like me to recommend some local babysitters that might be able to help you out?"

Good luck.

J., it would have been okay in my book for you to admit that you don't like the mother or that you don't care for her son. Your feelings are your feelings and you don't have to apologize for it. The thing is, you've laid an awful lot on the table in your post, and people are really paying attention to it. You kind of have your radar on full blast, feeling that your child wouldn't be safe at her house, and that is probably what some people are reacting to, though I haven't read their posts. It sure has my mind spinning. I would wonder if perhaps you would want to call social services if there is something you haven't talked about here that raising such red flags for you...

I have to tell you that after reading everything that you wrote, that perhaps this child DOES have some issues. Taz/Spazz who goes through all your toys like the Tasmanian Devil may actually need help. If you have children who are developmentally normal, you may not actually realize that this child has problems because you haven't learned how to spot them. Of course, this isn't your responsibility to figure out. I mention it because I actually think that he DOES have problems...

So, on to your question. If I were you, I would call the telephone company and ask for caller ID and caller block. It doesn't cost much. Caller ID is WONDERFUL - I never answer 800 numbers because they are ALWAYS telemarketers! If it's someone who talks a long time when they call and I'm getting ready to run out the door, I know not to answer it.

Once you have caller ID, stop picking up the phone when she calls. If she starts calling from another number you don't recognize, block that number. You are then in control of the process.

This is how you keep the woman from calling you. And you don't have to talk about it with her. She isn't a friend and you don't owe her the explanation.

Good luck,
Dawn

I always go with my instincts, they are ALWAYS correct.

It sounds like you and this woman just don't jive. That's okay. It could just be that you and her have different ideas about things. It doesn't mean there's anything WRONG with her. You're radar is just picking it up, without being able to put it into words.

You just need to learn to say "no." If someone is taking advantage of you, then it's YOUR fault just as much as her's. No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

I would continue to say "no." You can start nicely. "No, that won't work for us today, we're so busy. Have a good one!" You don't need to explain yourself.

She might come right out and say "Hey, I noticed you haven't had Son over in a while, are you mad at me?" You can just say "Honestly, it just doesn't work for us to have him here. I have my hands full with my 3 boys, homeschool and our activities. Having someone else here just disrupts our schedule, and we're so busy as it is."

I've had to be blunt with people before. You can be nice about it, but be firm.

10 flowers for everything Leigh R. said, and especially for the diplomatic way in which she addressed your use of the word "spazz."

I'm confused by the question because it seems like 2 different things that aren't connected. You mention that the kid is like the tazmanian devil and doesn't stop moving. That, to me, is not a reason to not have your son go there.

Now, a separate issue is WHY are you uncomfortable with your child visiting unsupervised at her home? Have you been there? I get the gut feeling thing, and I would say to trust it, but it would make more sense if you actually had a reason and didn't just judge first.

Now if the behavior of expecting you to watch her kid all the time is what's putting you on the alert, that's fine. But you should just decide when he can or can't come over, and then let her know. "Taz can come on Tues/Thurs between 4-5:30, but otherwise, we have family stuff...". That's direct without being rude.

If you want someone to stop calling you, then you tell them straight out to stop calling you. Be direct.

"Liz, I have to honest with you. Our children don't get along and it's time to end the play dates. Please don't call any more. If you call again, I'll hang up."

"Liz, I'm sorry but I'm not available to babysit at all. Ever. Please stop asking. Please don't call any more. If you call again, I'll hang up."

And for real, stop using words like "spaz" to describe people of any age, let alone children. It's indecent and morally despicable.

She's not even on your street. The truth ALWAYS works best, though you can be kind -- sounds like you are. Just tell her your life is already too busy with your own children, and you find her son too much to handle on top of all your own responsibilities. If she persists, tell her to check with her church or a preschool, or suggest something that helped you. But be SURE to continue to say NO, I cannot take care of your son anymore. If her son is difficult then she needs to hear it and get some help for him or herself -- it's not up to you. Often when we deal with these things quickly & cleanly, they fade away very fast. It's hard enough to be a mother to your own children; you can't take responsibility for those of someone who's not even a close friend. Good luck!

J.,
The best way to get her to stop asking for babysitting is to stop hinting that you are not interested. She is not getting the hints, or if she is sensing your reluctance, she is still willing to try her luck knowing that you probably will give her a break. Listen, we all need a break sometimes, but you don't need to be the one to be in charge of that.
I have a similar neighbor, difficult kids, always was calling me to help, and I felt bad for her because she was ill a lot of the time. But it got to be too much. By the time her kids would leave the house, my house would be trashed and I would be on the verge of tears- they are THAT hard. My kids would always end up hurt. The neighbor would show up hours later than she agreed with some sob story. The way I dealt with it is I stopped answering her calls right away. I realized that just because I am home or have a cell phone, I am not obligated to answer the door or the phone everytime it rings. I stopped dropping whatever I was doing to tend to her problems right away. She started finding other people to do her bidding.

My mom faced this problem by being more direct than I am, and I applaud her for it. She kept getting calls from the ladies in charge of the Womens group at church asking if she would babysit for some of the other ladies. She told them politely that she is not interested in babysitting, she works full time and she watches her grandchildren from time to time but that is all she is interested in doing. She is very happy she told them no to beginning.

Lastly, you could direct her toward resources, if you want to. "Patricia, I am too busy to help you with babysitting, but can I suggest calling one of the teenagers in the neighborhood, Maggie babysits our kids sometimes and we like her a lot. There is also a by-the-hour daycare down on N Street that has reasonable rates".

Sorry, I'm all for instincts and intuition but as a neighbor I would at least try to get to know her before deciding what kind of person she is.
But you don't like her kid, and you don't want her calling you anymore? Tell her the truth: I don't know you but I know I don't like you. And your kid seems like a brat.
Easy as pie.
I promise she won't be calling again :(

I'm sure that you have tried but maybe insinuating that your children and their structure through out the day is needing to be a little more rigid and even though it seems as if they have a lot of free time, it is actually instructional with breaks and you are really finding it hard to re- direct them after having any other children incorporated into the mix and then getting back on point. Let he know that during the week you are going to strongly limit their social interaction to outside play with anyone and everyone and limit the indoor activities with others. It is not totally honest but might help limit her asking since your are directly stating no visiors during the week. When the weekend comes, just let her know your busy schedule does not permit you watching other children due to the last minute changes with games, schedules and after game activities.

Good luck. Either way it is difficult when you are just kind of annoyed at a lack of awareness of tact froma neighbor. It is manners, bottom line. I never ask anyone to watch my children and when my daughter plays over at a friends it has a beginning and an end and I am very sensitive to it being a play date that is encouraged by the other family....ie. she is invited.

Do you have caller ID?

Another tactic would be -"You know, this week is pretty well booked, but maybe Thursday after next? I'll call you when we are free."

Invite the kid over once a month. Choose a time when your husband is home, and maybe make play dates for 3 of your other kids, so you can have 2 on 2 supervision.

She knows - she is just trying to force herself on you.

Stick with your gut.

But just saying - I can take an hour to unload my groceries and stock up my pantry - I'll take food out of cartons and wash produce. Unless there was a big hicky on her neck. . . .LOL!

Good luck!

Just KEEP SAYING NO.
Just keep repeating that, and do not give in.
You do not have to take in a child that you don't want to, for whatever reason.

Get caller ID for your phone. Don't answer her calls.
Or change your phone number. Or BLOCK her calls.
And if she comes to your doorstep, just say NO.
You do not have to have a reason why.
Just say, NO. And then walk away and close the door.

And NEVER let your kids go to her house.

Some people do not get hints.
Some do, but still disregard it and will still be pushy about things.
I think, this woman is just plain rude and does get the hint, but just keeps PUSHING you to babysit her son.

Get caller ID and stop answering your phone.

J. you are my home girl!!!!! I was cracking up reading this because we are so alike :) Now, I have had a very similar situation in the past though I was not so unfortunate as to be neighbors w/the mom. Quite honestly I believe you & your hubs are very wise to respect your gut feeling and not dismiss it. Gavin deBecker who wrote "The Gift of fear" and "Protecting the gift" discusses that extensively. If you have a feeling that something is off, 99% of the time you are right. Besides, why take a chance? I so feel your pain because let's face it, there is no easy way to tell someone that their kid is a spazz or that you don't like their behavior. Rarely is that information received well :) I think you have two choices:
1. Keep putting her off with the fact that you are busy. It may take her longer than most to get the hint.
2. Lie and tell her that you are too much of a control freak to let your kids play at her house and that her kid would need to come over to yours AND then say something to the effect of "I hope this isn't awkward, but I need "little Johnny" to understand that he has to follow the rules in my home. I expect my kids to do it and I have to ask the same of any kids that come over to play." You could even try to say this in front of the kid, along the lines of "okay I told your mommy you can come over, but you need to make sure you listen to me and follow the rules of our home." Now if the kid is just too wild even after the warning and you can't stand it then you tell the mom "look I'm really sorry, but he just wasn't listening to me at all and I can't have him come over if he can't behave, sorry". At that point, she'll either address the issue w/her son or be pissed off at you and think you're a control freak. If it's the latter, who cares???? Then she'll leave you alone and you'll be off the hook. Maybe, just maybe she'll figure out a way to tell this kid to behave better and then it might work out. I wish you lots of luck Mama :)