Dear P.:
Welcome to the teenage years!! My sweet, loving 10-year-old daughter turned into a moody, argumentative 12-year-old, too. Now at 14 it's like a light switch, off/on, off/on. I frequently feel like I've got twins, a good and evil one!
I'm finding I'm falling back on how I dealt with my daughter as a toddler. Pick your battles. What is also extremely important is respect, which is a two-way street. My daughter and I frequently will disagree, but there is no name calling by either of us. If my daughter is angry she will go to her room to cool off, and vice versa!
What we do with arguments is when everybody is calm my daughter presents her side. I present mine. If she does not like my decision she can "appeal" it with her reasons why it's "unfair." She asks me why I made the decision. If she can find a way around my concern, i.e., "Can I go out with my friends if instead of seeing the 9:00 movie we see the 6:00 movie?", then I'll change my decision.
Nobody likes to be told "because I said so." I know I never did! But I also will not let an argument drag out. If our discussion becomes "but I want to go!" and whining, end of discussion. You will have stomping and door slamming on occasion, but it gets less and less with time. NEVER, NEVER make the mistake of giving in to one of those door slamming sessions!! It's worse than giving in to a 3-year-old with a tantrum!!!
I've also found teenagers want to keep the communication door open with parents, but on their terms and schedule. I've had to learn the time to talk with my daughter is when she comes up with something while we're driving or she's the one that brings up a subject on the TV commercial, et cetera. If I try to start a serious conversation I can just watch the eyes glaze.
Hang in there. It's natural at this time for your son to be argumentative and not as close to you, at least off and on. You need a friend, family member or somebody that you can gripe to about your son. It just helps with the frustration sometimes!
L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter