After 14 years of marraige, my huband and I are seperating. This was my decision. It has been a long, turbulent road, and I finally made the decision to leave. It is as amicable as it can be under the circumstances. Husband understands why I am leaving and is not trying to stop me or stop me from taking the kids. Our son is fully aware of what is going on, and is actually OK and supportive with my decision. My dilema is my 4 year old little girl. She is joined to her father's hip, and is truly her daddy's girl. I have not told her that mommy is looking for a new place to live, as I know it would send her into a tailspin. She has finally just about gotten out of her tantrum phase (which was horrible). I am having a hard time finding a place to live within my budget and in a neighborhod where I'll feel safe, so I don't seen any need to rush to tell her - however, I may be wrong about this. I may posibly be moving in with my dad for a while. My question is this....HOW do I tell her. Although she is very intelligent, she will not understand this at all - I mean what 4 year old would. The thought of her reaction is killing me, as no mother wants to put her children through heartache. However, I know that this is the best thing for me and my kids. I have a huge support network from my family and friends. Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts? I could really use the advice of others that have traveled down this road. Thanks!
what about if daddy left instead and didn't make the children change their homes?//
just a thought.
L
I think that it is really important to focus on what she will have instead of what she will lose. For example, she'll still have a mother, father and brother that love her very much. She'll have 2 homes and 2 rooms. You know her better than anyone else, so try to keep it on her level. Try to anticipate what she may worry about the most and then reassure her as best you can. (ie teddy bear will be able to go on visits with you) Let her know that she will always be able to talk to her dad or you when she's with the other parent. I would even have her put together a special photo album to keep with her on visits. Then she can always have both parents with her when she feels sad. As long as you are loving and listen to your children's needs, you'll get through this difficult time. Children are usually much more tuned in to our stress levels than we realize. I seperated when my son was just under 3 years old. He had been having night terrors and temper tantrums. All of those stopped once we got out on our own. I hadn't realized how much he was absorbing the stress from his dad and me. He is now 12 and a wonderful successful child.
Dear S.,
Divorce is painful, even when you are the one who has made the decision, and especially since your little one is so attached to her father.
If your home is not being sold, perhaps you and your husband can take joint custody of your children. The children stay in the home, where they feel safe and you and your husband find respective studio apartments or in your case you can move in with your family for a while until you are able to afford a place where you feel safe.
You stay with the children in their home half the time and their father stays with them the other half. If your husband it not an alcoholic or abusive in anyway, this might be the best solution for your children.
Too many times in divorce it is the children who suffer the most. You are seeking a new life without their father. He may be looking forward to the same. Neither of you want to be without your children. If sacrifices are to be made, let it them be made by you and your husband, not the children.
PS...don't mind that remark about being selfish....that mama is probably suffering too. All the best to you and your family.
Hello S.,
I have never traveled down this road, but have had friends who have dealt with the same situation you are in. I think you should realize that the telling her part will not be as hard as dealing with all the after effects and endless questions and emotional turmoil she will go through. I'm sure you probably are expecting that to a degree. Four year olds can only process a little simple information at a time, so when you do tell her, keep it short and simple. Then she will ask the questions and start dealing with her emotions and confusion in whatever way she prefers.(probably major dramatics and acting out) She might not even have any questions or response at first, but a day or two afterwards. Then again, she might freak out, like your anticipating, but you never know! You're just gonna have to go easy and matter of factly. I'm so glad you and your husband are doing this peaceably!! It would be sooo hard for the kids if there was a tug-of-war going on with the kids and terrible anger and fighting!
Please make sure to emphasize to her that she will still see her daddy(on a pretty regular basis i hope) Because nothing will scare her and disrupt her world more than thinking she will never see her Daddy again!! If she knows this, I think that will help her accept her new living arangement better.
There are so many available resources out there that can help you through EVERYTHING you are facing now. Educate yourself, especially about how kids deal with seperation of parents and ways they cope in different age groups, etc. You have made a huge life changing decision for yourself, and kids. Stick with it and always recognize the positive that will come with it all. Seperations and divorce are awful and so hard, but also they can be positive and help strengthen us. Be a good, strong, loving role model to your kids, especially your daughter, through all this and she will grow and develop into a courageous, strong and happy person. When they see you happy and strong, they will see everything is ok and they'll model themselves after you! You're in my prayers--E.
Try findung a place near dad so she can see him often.
Good for you for making the decision. I only say that since your husband is not stopping you. I made that decision back in November, but my husband fought for me.
However, I had already begun the process of telling my almost 4 year old son. And what I said seemed to work. I wouldn't put it negatively and I wouldn't say we're not going to be together anymore. I would simply say mommy is getting a new house and daddy is getting a new house - we're going to have 2 houses - how fun is that! My son often spends time alone with me and often spends time alone with my husband so since there was little family time to begin with, and so it seems normal.
Just because you're sad, doesn't mean you have to make this a sad transition. Kids will sense that. Think of this as a good thing. You are getting on with your new life without him keeping you back any longer. You get to be free of that burden and you will be a better mommy for it.
Financially, everything will work out. I was in the same boat, living in an expensive area and not wanting to be far away from my soon-to-be ex for the kids' sake, but take a look at mobile home parks. Seriously, you can purchase nice ones for $117,000 in some areas and if you own your own home now, you might make out with some extra equity that you can put down on the new place. It will work out.
Keep on trucking and don't let the kids feel that this is a bad thing, this is the best thing you are doing for yourself and for your kids!
There is a great resource for you - Kid's Turn (www.kidsturn.org) I don't know where you are located, but they have an educational program for kids of divorce where both parents and children participate. It is a wonderful program and can help your daughter process the divorce and help you and your husband learn how to communicate with each other and your daughter in a postive way through the divorce process. I used to work with the youngest kids in the program (it runs about 6 weeks and is affordable) and the effect is really significant. On figuring how to tell her, i'm not sure what advice to give, other than just telling her and not letting your guilt play into that conversation. Take her out of your environment to a park or something and have a conversation with her - maybe bring a book about the subject. My understanding is that the most important thing for her to know is that she will still have both parents, both still love her. Good luck.
This is a very hard time you are going through, my heart goes out to you! Your little drama princess will find this hard simply because she cannot control this process. She cannot change the situation no matter what she does. This is difficult for children to accept, especially since she has possibly used "drama" to control the behavior of the people around her. That said, your best bet is to rely on your friends and family for support and simply accept that life carries with it both joy and happiness as well as pain and disappointment. While we all want to protect our children as long as possible, we also have to help our children deal with reality. And reality is seldom constructed so that we will get everything we want! Smetimes therapy helps - someone who specializes in working with families in your situation. Good luck as you find your way through this very difficult time.
I'm so sorry to hear about your seperation. I've never been through anything like that so I can only imagine what you must be going through. My only thought is that when you do tell your daughter you and your husband should do it together. That way she sees that you too are still "friends". Hopefully that will ease the transition.
Good luck
PS I don't know where you're looking to live but another mom posted that she was looking for a house sharing situation in the Berkeley/Albany area.
First of all, I empathize with you. This is tough but when you nkow it is right and have done all you can, it just becomes time.
Now on to the most important question. Why are you moving out with the children? Why isn't your husband moving out? The children will be much better off if they stay in their home.
I have a few other suggestions to help you but the answer to this question is important.
I'd love to hear from you.
Blessings,
+B+
