Need Help with 11Yr Old Email Issue

I would talk to the other mothers. That way they know what is going on and maybe you guys can get them to work it out. Good luck

I'm not there yet with my daughters, but in preparation I read "Odd Girl Out". This problem is not specific to email, but this kind of ganging up and ostracizing is a way that girls often show aggression, rather than physically. It's done "in real life" as well as on email. Email was just the vehicle in this case. What you did is right, to talk to her about it. And if she is ever a victim, be there for her in empathy and don't minimalize or rationalize it.

Read up on it. I've also picked up "Queen Bees and Wannabes" on recommendation but haven't read it yet.

Best of luck!
L.

As a mom of grown children, I would contact the other child's parents and let them read the message. Let them drawn their own conclusions. Children need to learn email is not private and many persons are privey to the infomation. The other child's parents can deal with their child in their home as a family, privately.

Connecting with your daughter is best and telling her how proud you are with her is most important.

Good Luck!! A.

Hi M.,

I feel your daughter knows how to handle the situation. I would not get involved as you may make it something when it may just be nothing. I would educate her on how important it is to stay neutral and not give back negative messages to others. Treat others how she wants to be treated. So she may pass on messages to her friends that you are teaching her. Teach her to express how much she cares about her friends and that she does not want to hurt them.

I see my son teaching what I taught him when he was a little boy. He is 28 years old.

Do not worry about her she will be fine. Always ask her how her day was at school and how her friends are doing so you may keep up with her.

Hope this helps.

Have a great day.

N. Marie

Kids do and say mean things. If your daughter knows right from wrong and as long as you are monitoring her emails I would listen to your husband and leave it alone. However, if the girl continues to ask your daughter these things I might reconsider and talk to the mother of the child that is saying or asking for the mean words. Sometimes kids are just tring to find out what the other friend will say behind the others back and making a big deal out of it might make things worse. Good Luck...

Hi M.. Welcome to middle school girl politics. It's a tough world and these pre-pubuescent girls are moody, not eating or sleeping well coupled with new interest in all things boys--(mostly just talk). I have a 12 year old who has always run with the "in" crowd and as a result we have had more "mean girl" discussions than normal people should. Don't jump to the conclusion that this will lead to cyber bullying because in general I've found that these girls say what is on their mind without a filter and don't even know it. My suggestion is that you have your daughter call them on it because more than likely something else is going on with them (bad day, arguments with parents or siblings, thinks their friends don't like them, bad grade, etc.) I've often told my daughter to ask them what is really wrong when they start to go down these negative paths and more often than not they don't even realize their tone sounded like it did and they apologize. How many of us say things in a way we didn't mean because we were emotional that day and regret it or want to know if we have consensus with our friends? At this stage there is a lot of exploration and best friends change depending on whose in the class.

Keep an eye on things, but more importantly be the ear--the listener. The more you comment(in their eyes judge) the more they keep from you. And tell your daughter not to take their moods so seriously, after all if you keep up on her friend gossip every day you'll find one girl in and then she's out and then she's in and out etc. Also, a word of caution when talking to other girls parents--I've often jokingly told my daughter if the girl is mean where do you think she got that from? Mom's of girls may look at the situation very differently than you and your "suggestions" may not be warmly welcomed. And then you've affected the dynamic between your daughter and this other girl.

Be the listener & personal cheerleader because in the end she's the one you really care about.

Best of luck. N.

I would not advise you to talk to the other parents about this. It is your daughter who you are responsible for, not theirs. It is most important that you give your daughter tools to handle these situations in the future. I think it's great that you spoke with her about this. Let her know that "this must be really difficult for her" to both want to support her friend and want to be liked by others. You can help support her in finding ways to do both.

Best of luck!

Sadly, this is very typical behavior for girls this age. And it can be much, much worse in middle school so brace yourself. My 13 year old has had so many friends come and go over the past three years, and I think at times it's been harder on me than her!
I would NOT go to the girl's mother at this point. Yes, it is disturbing, but it is very important to keep communication with your daughter as open as possible. Her friends may turn on her/shut her out if you make public these "private" communications between the girls. Friends become VERY important at this age, and it is hard to step back, but believe me, you can make things much worse by being overly involved.
This is part of growing up, and it is painful for both parent and child. But if you have given her a solid foundation, she will come through it just fine.
BTW, we have a lot in common...I'm almost 41, work part time as a first grade aide and we have a dog, a bunny and a guinea pig!
Best of luck to you and your daughter...

M.,

You did the right thing. I don't think you should tell the other mothers. Your daughter knew, because of your parenting, not to take the bait. Also, since she knows what kind of friend this other girl is, maybe she will choose not to be her friend anymore.

If you get the other mothers involved, then you will not allow those girls to learn how to solve these kinds of problems themselves.

D.

This is only the beginning... You may want to read, "Queen Bees and Wannabees" to get the full scoop. If it were my daughter, I would praise her for not responding and talk to her about how she feels about it. I would follow up later to see if the "friend" is still bad mouthing the other friend and if there may be bullying going on.

My eldest daughter has been bullied and teased a number of times (too many to count.) I always appreciated when parents or teachers let me know what was going on so I could follow up and make sure my daughter was OK and help her handle whatever was going on. If the other girl is being bullied, I would definitely talk to her mom. So many kids don't tell their parents what's going on and try to brave it out. The problem is often it gets out of their control very quickly and they get hurt. After years of therapy, my daughter is more open, but she still sometimes tries to pretend everything is OK if something going on is minor, but that's the best time to catch it!

I just want to say Hooray! for your daughter for not falling into that trap. She didn't respond to the bad comments about her friend (she didn't join in with the bad comments). I agree with your husband leave it alone. She handled the situation and no good can come from telling the girl's mother what was being said about her daughter. You already talked to your daughter about it and she now sees what kind of person sent her that email. Hopefully her lack of enthusiasm to bag on her friend will discourage any more bad comments. Good Luck!

Sounds OH so familar. My daughter is 10 and her "friends" are constantly doing things like this. They all talk bad about each other (as a mother I hope that all the talk with my daughter have stopped her from participating). I never know when I pick my daughter up who she is going to be friends with today. It is a group of about 8 girls and everyone of them have been outcasted but luckly it never seems to last for more than a day if that long. We work on statigies to help our daughter cope and to learn how to avoid people like this and what she can do or say to not participate and or get hurt. I have heard that middle school can be worse. I am hoping not, I am not sure I can cope with that, I guess my view as a parent is to keep working on teaching my daughter what she needs to know to cope with this and how not to be involved. We also try to have all sleepovers and playdates at or house (although it can be a bit much at times) but it allows us to superivise and help all the girls problem solve when problems arise. We also always intervine with the girls when bad talking starts about another child. A lot of her friends parents have the view point that they need to work it out themselves. I agree that they need to work it out but they are still young and need to be taught statigies to work it out. I wouldn't recommend getting anyone in trouble and maybe having them all together for a playdate and spread some light on the situation. Maybe one girls said something to hurt the others feelings, usually accidentally and the other is trying to cope and the only way to save face in her eyes is to come up with something to hurt the other girl. They need to be shown by example other alternatives to help the situation now before they head to middle and high school. Sorry so long.

Your job is to parent your daughter, and you've done that. Continue to be open so your daughter will confide in you and you can monitor this sort of thing to help her protect herself. If you go to the other mothers, you may alienate your daughter's trust in you, and it will likely only open hostile feelings from them and their daughters which will worsen the problem. If your daughter continues to ignore the negative emails, I think the other girl will soon get the hint that she isn't interested in 'bashing' her friend and will stop. You do need to stay aware in case the other girl still escalates the issue, and be ready to help your daughter through whatever happens in the future. This doesn't mean you come to her defense like the 'mother hen' but that you arm her to defend herself.

Hello M.: Talking with your daughter was the best thing that you could have done. With 5 children I have learned the first rule they seem to have is "Nothing is left out by accident"!! She needed your advice and support. This could be just as you think one girl pitting against another then run to the other or it could have far reaching problems. When our daughter went through this we could see she was not comfortable being in the middle. I asked if SHE cared if I talked to the other parents and was given the o.k., as long as I was kind about it. I was blessed to be at the same place as the mother of the one who sent the note and we talked generally and then I told her what I found. I made sure that I wasn't judgeing or telling her what to do, but was concerned for all involved. Our situation worked out for everyone. They all made it through jr. high as friends. I know things can easily be made into more than was intended, but you can also be stopping a problem from getting worse & in this day of things happening I am grateful you talked to your child & didn't just ignore it. Good luck in the great adventure of parenthood; Nana glenda

M.,
As the burden of knowledge of this situation has come before you, I would start taking notes. There is that saying about if you see one mouse, there are probably many more. I would not jump right away as your husband suggestion because if you can gather some more data and Write it down, print that email, maybe talk in confidence with school psych to see if anyone else has reported this, you can enough information to bring in an anti bullying workshop, cyber as well.

I think I would supervise my children's email through these rocky years. She is in rocky waters at this age and the technology is enough to send kids over their vulnerable emotional top. Check out kim Commando, a mom and a tech expert who has a section for kids on her radio website.

I so appreciate going to the mom. I think I would go with as much information as possible, with everyone's email, FB , twitter pages so that this cannot be a fire ignited elsewhere. I guess I am saying go in armed with information and some strategies. Can you believe what it takes to teach appropriateness? The thing is, kids have had these inclinations for years, it used to be on the bathroom walls, lockers...and maybe still is...but now it is everywhere it can haunt people. Classic stepping on the dog because they want to feel better. This leaves me with my last point, the perpetrators could have issues at home and telling the parents of who are doing this could go several ways, not all good. I know you just want to tell the mom of the girl being picked on but as I said, you need strategies.

Some districts are implementing anti-bullying laws and procedures. Email me if you want. Best and I will keep these young girls in my thoughts and prayers.

C

This sounds like completely normal conversation between 11 year old girls. You just happened to see the "note." Kids are always going to be this way. It's somehow in their nature, unfortunately. Not all kids are like this, but there are always some that are. Maybe the person who wrote the email was angered by the girl who she was trying to bad-mouth. Maybe she was jealous. These are normal feelings. And kids at this age haven't developed the maturity to not bad-mouth someone they are mad at to the people that they like or depend on. Heck, some adults in office situations do this as grown ups! You're getting involved in this is only going to make your daughter mad at you and feel like her privacy has been invaded. It really is her business, not yours. She could just as easily of had this conversation with the person directly at school and you would have never known about it. You're daughter has to decide for herself if she is going to go along with the bad mouthing or if she is going take the high road. That's the part I think you can help with. You can have separate (unrelated to this incident) conversations about being positive, and not going along with people when she thinks that are trying to get her to say or do something she doesn't really want to say or do. But don't use the email to start the conversation. Also, mentioning it to the other mother's is not really appropriate either. The mother of the girl doing the bad mouthing will likely just get defensive. The mother of the girl who was bad mouthed will just worry that her daughter is getting picked on - and there's not much she can do about that except pull her out of that school, which is ridiculous because this sort of thing goes on in every school.

With the rise of email we now have a rise of evidence of what people say and do. Before email, people (including teenagers) business was much more private. Email leaves a nasty trail of communication that can be scruitinized later by people who are not part of the experience. This can be a good thing in the case of really bad situations - when something truly bad is going on requires intervention like drug use, inappropriate sexual situations, etc. But when those things are going on, there tend to be other clues as well. But it also allows us to get into business that really is not our business.

I would say that if your daughter is having a conversation with a friend about another friend. And all that's happening is bad-mouthing - it's really not your business.

But you can have conversations with your daughter about being a nice person in general, and not giving in to peer pressure (which is so common at this age) on any issues.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHT....Why not let the "mean girl" become the ODD GIRL OUT? Giving one a taste of their own medicine can sometimes be the BEST cure.

M.,

If the girl writes mean things, there's no telling what she is capable of in person. I would print it out, give it to her parents and block her from your child's email until she apologizes to the other girl.

Blessings....

Ughhhh, Jr. High... Your post makes me grateful to be 30 something :)
Yes, I would advise you to leave it alone. If the other moms get involved the girl in question may be antagonized further. Besides, if Jr. High is anything like I remember it, it'll be someone else's turn to be harassed next week. It might even be your daughter's turn one of these days and she is really going to need her best friend to stand by her. Make sure she know that. No, I would not worry about cyber bullying here. This is typical 11 and 12 year old girl behavior taking place through the current communication method of choice.

Hi M.,
I'm going with the majority here (so far) and recommend staying away from the other mother. It's so much better to "handle with care" than to go into it like a bull in a china shop and have it blow up in your face. I think that would only make things harder on your daughter at school. I would recommend monitoring everything in her e-mail or online sites and let her know you are doing so and that it is for her own good and safety. What the other mothers do with their kids is not within your control. If it looks like the e-mail conversations are turning into bullying, then print those things up and take them to the school. This is an excellent time to teach your girl about internet safety if you haven't already. However, the main lesson to be learned is character. She needs to know how to be a true friend regardless of the venue. It sounds like she's well on her way. Good luck to you and God bless.
P.S. I just read someone else's posting and want to say if something is going on with your child, it is ALWAYS your business. You have every right to monitor her in any way you deem necessary. It's called love. I am 40 years old. My mother monitored everything she felt she needed to. Yes, I was upset at the time, but oh so thankful now. She saved me from a lifetime of misery by intervening when she saw I was making poor choices. Thank you, mom!

Your husband is right. You handled it perfectly by talking to her and telling her the possiblilities. Anything further would be meddling.

Here is the problem with the written word, it can become easily misconstrued.(im not sying this pareticular letter wasnt bad, I'm saying the written word can lead to problems.)

A hundred years ago, writing was an art, and there was much education and guidelines about the do's and don'ts of the written letter. Ettiqute was in place for a reason- it expected people to be civil and to take others feelings into account... at all times. It made living in that society easier. Our society has gone so far as to vilify our lost art of ettiqute. What a shame.

Now adays you can take one person's written word, and simulanteously send it to hundreds of people. Once those words are in writing, they will be floating around indefinitley. The proof that cyber messages do, is the fact that someone will send out bogus junkmail and it keeps cycling back through the net for years and people keep forwarding them. You end up seeing them on urban legend websites. You can even take someones Email, and once you hit the FORWARD key, you can change anything you want in the body of the forwarded email and send it on. Boys have taken phone pictures of girls and have shown kids accross the entire school. Our privacy in today's age is under attack- and it's dangerous. How can someone maintain integrity and character in todays lack of privacy?

Recently the whole internet/email/cyberspace thing has been heavy on my own heart. Even for myself, Ive decided to really cut back on my time spent on the computer. I've recently learned that "facebook" and I'm sure many like it Ask for a LOT of personal information on you, and even if you decide you don't want to be on the space anymore, they still keep ALL your personal info.. indefinitely. Including every friend youve invited( and their email addresses), everywhere you went, everyone who visited your site, everything youve said, etc.

You know, you could tell you daughter about the mistake of participating in online gossip, but the temptation will rise again, because ALL the kids of today are doing it, not just her best freind. I think the best way to eliminate the danger of it, is to get her OFF the email and using the phone or in-person contact to interact with freinds. (I would discourage texting as well.) I have been so open with my 12 yr old daughter about the evils of cyberspace, the stalkers, and how stuff said can come back to bite you ,that she doesn't want an email address.

Be wary of holding up the sins of children to other parents.
Not all, but many will vilify YOU and stick up for the offending child, even when the child is misbehaving.
It is becoming an odd, odd world we live in.

Good luck.

No, I wouldn't tell the other girls' mothers, just tell your daughter not to make unkind comments about her friend, and to reply to this girl that she doesn't like talking about her friend that way.

Hi M.,
I am a therapist who specializes in teens (and your daughter's on the brink) and their families, and I would urge you to talk to your daughter and what she wants. You can explain your concerns, see what she says, and even offer to tell the other moms your daughter doesn't know you're talking to them, thus letting her off the hook. Keeping communications good with your own daughter has to be your top priority here.

As moms, we always feel the need to swoop in and save our children from painful experiences, but that doesn't help them to learn how to deal with life's up and downs. Honestly, this is so typical of girls that age and it's good you had a chat with your daughter to explain why its not nice to write unkind words about a friend, but let her handle it herself and maybe you could encourage her to discourage her friend from writing unkind words about another friend. I wouldn't go out of your way to call the other moms, but you may just want to mention it to the girl's mom when you run into her...don't make a special call...that looks a little too involved in the girls' business.