Need Help with Handling a Tricky Situation...

You need to take a stand and tell this child his behavior is unacceptable. You need to swat his hiney if he does it again. If he knows you are taking a stand he may respect you more and actually feel closer to him.

Taking the sibling (you and your sis) relationship out of the equation, I'd lay down the law:

My house, my rules.

And review the rules: We will use safe language in this house. There is no name-calling. Name-calling and mean behavior means taking a break in W or Y space(find a quiet place or two, create them if you must, it can be done).

With the older one: simply "I know you are angry about all that's happened. Your mother is working hard right now to make your life better. I understand you are angry, and your job is also to be able to get along at my home so I can take care of you and your brothers and sisters while mom is at school.

"If you need a break from the younger kids, come and tell me; I will help you find a space. If you need to get your mad feelings out, you can write them out in a journal. (buy him a small composition book or spiral notebook) I really want to help you make this work, and I need your help too."

Be clear with your sister that there *will* be discipline at your house and that if she cannot agree to that, she will need to find a new arrangement. Make your boundaries very, very clear and in a loving way. "I want to help you and this is what I need to make this work"

Tell her what you told us, too.... that you are proud of her and glad that she is making positive changes and growing, going forward in her life. Let her know that you want to help her in ways that are healthy for everyone. Unless it's just a cold with a runny nose, you shouldn't be doing sick care. Talk to your husband, too, about what are the most important improvements he needs to see. Rallying all the kids to do a big clean-up an hour before he gets home might help. The older four kids can help, they just need tasks which don't require a lot of hand-holding.

Ultimately, Leah, where you stand in this is really up to you and your husband. You two will need to be in accord so that your marriage doesn't begin to have problems. That's really what we are meant to do when we marry-- to put ourselves as man and wife first, then our family, and then our extended family. So, if he's really opposed to continuing, your sis will need to find other resources. It's hard to say no when we see someone working so hard to make things better, however, you didn't make the decision to have four kids or marry someone who was mentally unstable. She did. When all's said and done, it's really wonderful that you have helped her out as much as you have, and all of it is still her responsibility.

You need to lay down the law in your house with your rules. He may be going through a lot, but that doesn't give him license to act badly at your house. Your house, your rules. For ALL of the kids. Make sure your sister understands that you will be implementing a new discipline system. Explain to her and then explain how it will work to all of the kids. Tell your sister that you will be monitoring the situation to see if the behavior changes. If it does, you can continue to help her out. If it doesn't, she will need to make other arrangements for her children while she's in school. It's so nice you want to help your sister; you sound like a very giving person. And taking on an additional FOUR! kids is really no small feat. But helping your sister should not negatively affect your own family. YOUR family unit must come first. Good luck.

ETA: Oh, and the last 30 minutes of the day is clean-up time before they leave and everyone participates. You all are a family and a team.

You need to be able to have rules in place in your home that ALL of the children abide by where there are consequences that are consistent. That's just common sense. Issues need to be dealt with as they occur.

The children are mostly old enough to clean up after themselves, so they should be taking occasional breaks from their activities to tidy up. Even the two year old.

The ten year old... well, all of your sister's children but especially the ten year old... needs to see a therapist. Not only is his mom divorced from his dad, but she's now going through another divorce. That's very, very difficult on a boy his age. He's probably feels incredibly stressed and displaced and scared, and being only ten he may even feel responsible. He doesn't know what to do with all of his feelings so he lashes out at his sibling/s.

As for your fight with your sister... you owe her a HUGE apology. Like, you need to take her out to dinner and a movie and fall over yourself apologizing for what you said to her. You were 100% out of line. She clearly knows she's made bad choices but she's also clearly trying to fix them and do better. It's too bad that your help comes attached with so much judgment.

I agree with most of the advice you have already been given. It's time to sit all of the kids down and tell them about the "new rules" that begin immediately. If you don't allow your own kids to say bad words, then don't allow that behavior from your nephew. Sit your sister down and tell her that if you're going to continue to watch her kids, they are going to have to follow your rules. Tell her that you will discipline her kids the way you do yours. If she is that opposed to it, she will make other arrangements.

Why can't her kids be made to follow your rules when they are at your house? My niece destroys her house and doesn't listen to her parents as well as she listens to my husband and I, and she doesn't leave a mess either. She is 3, but she is easily the work of 4 kids! No kidding either.

I'd tell your sister she needs to get on board with you on certain things if she wants your help still.

However, if her family's problems are causing problems in your family, I'd have to tell her to find something else. You can't put your family in jeopardy because of her bad choices.

This is a tough one. The divorce is going badly for your nephew and he needs positive encouragement and someone to tell him he's worth being loved, etc. Can your parents take her kids one of the two days?

I undersatnd your husband's feelings about it - and I also understand your desire to want to help your sister.

A few things to consider - your first responsibility it to your husband and your kids. With all other things being equal (which they never are) you have a greater responsibility to your husband and kids.

Second - your nephew needs someone to set high expectations for him. I can't tell you how many kids go through a tough time during their parent's divorce. The people who used to be the rock in his life, the pillars of confidence and stability are now screaming at eachother (that is the norm is most divorce situations). His sense of self-worth and confidence are shaken. If mom and dad dissolve what else will? Girls get whiney and needy while boys get angry when they are going through a tough time. He needs a counselor. But I bet that if you pull him aside and ask him, as the older kid that you need him to take responsibility for a task - like gathering the kids to clean up in the 1/2 hour before your husband comes home. Tell him you know he can come up with a good game or songs that will encourage the kids to put away toys, hang up jackets, etc. Tell him you know he can do it and offer some ideas (make a list of things to be cleaned up and assign one item to each kid b ased on their age - like books on the shelves, legos in the bin, crayons back inthe box, etc.). tell him you're proud of how he handled the kids. If he doesn't do a great job remind him that you know he's got the ability to do this well and you are looking forwoard to his good performance. Ask his opinion of stuff since he's the oldest and most knowledgable. Use big words with him but not the little kids. He needs to know that he's capable of doing good things. Commend him when he does well. Look for the good in him and tell him when you see it. Give him a tough task and encourage him through it and congratulate him afterwards. Ask him to hep the little kids with homework.

Finally - realize that every older brother in creation torments his little sister. My brother whom I love dearly used to torment me and I now love him.

Good luck mama - so many things in life don't have a simple fix (I hate that!).

I understand those kids are going through a lot but it won't help them any to be leniant on them. Trust me on that.
Kids need rules and guidelines to help them feel secure and security is what they need right now.
Be firm and consistent and of course loving. They need you and the entire family right now and so does your sister.

I would encourage your sister to find them all counseling. There may be sliding scale therapy available and she can talk to his school for ideas. The guidance office may even have their own ability to talk to him or offer anger management classes. I think that holding them to a basic standard (no hitting, no spitting, no biting, no jumping on the furniture) is actually GOOD. When so much else is in chaos, kids need something they can count on.

You might want to read Love and Logic or How to talk so kids will listen or similar to get ideas how to handle them. Going through a tough time doesn't mean free pass to pick on other kids, their cousins or anyone else.

When children enter your home they follow your rules. Period.

Put the rules on a big board and ensure everyone knows them. Enforce any infractions with consequences.

If your sister doesn't like that, she can find another sitter. Remember, you're doing her a favor and don't deserve to be treated like a doormat or to have your boundaries disrespected.

Best,
C. Lee

I don't agree with the posters who have advised you to just stop watching your sisters' kids and focus on "your" family. Is that how you'd want your own kids to treat each other when they're grown?

But I do think your sister has some responsibility to help you lay down the law. If you can swing it, I'd recommend two family meetings.

The first should be between your sister and you. Say "I really want to continue to do this. I'm so proud of you for going back to school, and I really want to support you. But right now my house is a chaotic mess, ___ is not respecting my authority, and I don't think any of the kids are really happy. Can we work together to figure out a plan for his behavior issues, and some consequences if he gets out of line?"

Then, once you and your sister have come to an agreement, sit the kids down for a "Houston, we have a problem" meeting. Give everyone a "job" (age appropriate) so the older boy doesn't feel singled out. Make it clear that the whole family is a team and everyone has to do their part. List some consequences (and be prepared to make them happen, every time) and (possibly) hold out the chance of a group reward if everyone shapes up their act.

I think your house rules need to apply to everyone. If 10 year old is mean to 5 year old, then he needs to get punished, etc. If your sister doesn't like it then she is free to find another means of childcare.

There's been a lot of good advice set out for you here. I just want to add that if you do continue to watch your sister's kids, try to catch them in the act ... of doing something good/nice. When you see the behavior you want, immediately reward it with a small bit of praise, or a touch on the shoulder and a smile, especially for the older boy.

I really like Nervy Girl's response.

Life is full of lessons. I love what you wrote in this last part; "I love her so much that I feel her pain." So what if the tables where turned, how would you want her to help or not help you? I just want to comment first on your sister relationship. They are very special, and important. I'm taking it that you are the "older" sister too. Which means you probably always looked out for her, (I'm speculating a lot here, using my relationship with my sister.) Sisters do fight time to time and don't see eye to eye, but are there for each other. Keep on talking to her, one on one, even when the two of you get done fighting, let a day or whatever needed then talk. You know you cannot enable her, but you can be there for her. I'm not saying to forget about your husband and children either. But I'm sure your husband can at least see who close the two of you are, and also give you good advice from an outsider who loves "YOU".

If you can watch her kids at her house, I do think that is a great idea, if not, then have each of them do a little task before playing or whatever. Make them put back what they got out before they leave.

Now to the kiddos, siblings fight and tease and are mean to each other time to time. Your nephew might be having a hard time with step-dad too, not to mention the tensioned the house when step-dad is around, is the 5 year old his half sister by step-dad, that plays a roll in what's going on. I really commend you for being a great aunt, just set the rules up at your house or even if you watch them at their house. I'm in charge and these are my rules when I'm here. Tell each of them how much they mean to you and how much you love them. Keep good boundaries for them, rules are good even if they get mad, down deep they are glad they are there and someone cares about them.

You are a great sister, talk to your sister, keep on encouraging her to make the right choices in her life. Asked her how she would handle what was going on in her life it the tables were turned and you were going through it. I know she does appreciate you, with so much chaos in her life, having a sister like you helps her out so much. If you are a woman of faith, keep on praying, God will help you through this and your sister.

Tell you husband how much you love him and appreciate all he does for you. For being understanding with your sister and your bond. Tell him you appreciate him being your rock. I bet that will mean much more to him than a clean house.

God Bless!

It's great that you are able and willing to help your sister. It's good that you are understanding that your nieces and nephews have been through alot but you don't have to tolerate bad behavior just because you are understanding. That is how kids acting out become kids out of control (everyone allows it because of "what they've been through). You can be understanding and still not allow continued bad behavior.

Maybe your hubby and be a good male role model for the oldest

Ill keep this short and sweet.

Your house=your rules.

If sis doesn't like that, she can find another sitter.
If she can't afford a sitter, she can get a job to finance that.
Her choices only affect you to the extent you allow it.
Same goes for mom.

How can her kids have stepdad when the mom is going through a divorce?

First off, forgive your sister and ask for her forgiveness. You both are dealing with difficult situations and you HAVE to help each other right now - this isn't a 2 way street.

You've already been helping her by watching her kids, but continue to help her by focusing on what's best for all the children for example, the swearing has to stop.

She has to help by understanding her kids have to try harder to live peacefully with one another and she has to not only encourage her kids to stop any bad and uncooperative behavior, but also she has to enforce your authority. Let her understand everyone has to make sacrifices, including her children.

As for your nephew, let him know the swearing and bad attitude only makes him look like a small and immature little boy. It doesn't make him look like the intelligent, smart and young man he can really be.

Its a difficult road ahead but in the end, I'm sure you'll want to look back on these years and know you did your best, and you encouraged the children to do their best. Good luck to you!

This is a tough one. The only thing I can really think of right now is that mabey it would be better to babysit at their house. That way your house stays cleaner and you are disciplining him in his own house and have more leverage as far as sending him to his room, taking his toys away and so on. I think it would also help him him/them feel stability with everything that's going on. You are a great sister/aunt. Good luck

You need to start having "rules" for your house and enforce the consequences of the breaking the rules.
ex:
rule no mean talk
consequence for breaking rule no tv that day

rule: no breaking toys
consequence do a job that helps the family.

also at the ages you stated 4 of the 6 kids are in school all day. I would clean up and when the kids get home the house is clean and needs to be back to that way before your sister comes to pick them up. or even better take your little ones to her house to sit while she is gone. that would get the mess out of your house.

regardless of what your relationship is with your sister you need to have rules for your home and the child needs to follow them its great your helping your sister but if you throw it in her face that she made bad choices each time things don't go smoothly then your not helping her you are becoming yet another of the bad choices she made. it is wonderful when families help each other but sometimes the help is not really a help if you have to worry non stop about being judged as a mother, a caregiver etc.

I haven't read the other responses yet, but I have read your SWH. Ladybug, for those who say not to judge your sister, they obviously haven't lived first hand and personal what your sister is bringing into your house. If they were, they wouldn't say this.

The biggest problem is lack of discipline. You both feel so bad for the 10 year old and the breakup of his family, that he doesn't have consequences for his actions. The consequences have to be so very consistent that it isn't worth it to him to treat the other kids like this.

However, it's a full-time job to manage him. Is that really fair to you and to the other kids?

Your sister has no business fighting with you in regards to this issue. She HAS foisted her bad decisions and poor judgment on you and the family. It IS her fault. Instead of fighting with you about it, she needs to stop being defensive, show appreciation for your difficult position and work with you to help her son, and by helping him, help the rest of the children. She is STILL not taking responsibility for her problems by doing nothing to fix them.

If I were you, I would talk to her about trying to get the boy's real father more involved in his care. She needs to talk to the dad about helping the son handle this. Even if they have a bad relationship because of THEIR breakup, they need to let that part go and help the BOY. HE should be their main concern, not the fact that they may have issues as ex-spouses.

Your sister and her children also need some counseling. This boy definitely needs counseling. He has a great deal of anger and doesn't know how to handle it. In order to manage him, she needs a counselor to help her figure out how, including what consequences to give him.

The easy way for you to handle this huge problem is to tell her to find someone else to take care of them and give your own family a break from this. Your children come FIRST. Always. I wouldn't blame you if you told her that she needs to find other help. But if you choose to keep trying to help her, you must put your foot down, tell her that either she stops fighting with you and deals with the issue, or finds another babysitter outside of family.

She may resent the heck out of you for it, but this is her mess and she should not be allowed to hurt your family because she won't work to fix these issues.

Good luck!

When my brother and I stayed at my mother's sister's house, she treated us just like she treated her own children. When situations arose, she handled them. She reported to my mother only as FYI; she didn't wait for my mother to address something that had happened at HER house, on HER watch. Don't try to address what they do when you're not around. Address what happens when they are on your watch. I don't think that you need to even discuss her "bad choices" and how they've affected you all. Frankly, that's none of your business. If you want to help her to start making better choices for her family, talk to her about that. How you respond to her choices is on you. She is not putting you in any weird position. Just deal with the kids when you see an issue, and let her handle the rest. When you talk to her, it should sound like this: "I've been working with Freddy on removing the word STUPID from his vocabulary." That's all, unless she's one to ask for details.

You decide how it's gonna be in your house, and enforce that. Your sister trusts your parenting, obviously, so handle it.

Well, if her 4 kids are going to be at your house, then they all need to abide by the same rules as your kids...plain and simple. They need to either do that or your sister needs to find other care arrangements. Yes, it will be chaotic...with 6 kids, I don't know how it wouldn't be. I like the idea of having the last 30 minutes of the day be cleanup where everyone participates.

As far as your comment to your sister that her bad choices were affecting everyone, can you honestly say that this comment was helpful? I am 100% sure that she KNOWS that she has made some bad choices. You throwing it in her face was just bad form and rude no matter how true it is. You owe her an apology for this remark...it was highly insenstive.

Decide one way or the other if you are able to help her with her children. Don't do it if you are only going to be angry and resentful. You have been given a lot of good tips on how to deal with the kids, so try them.

Not terribly practical advice on my part but consider the following. Try not to allow your empathy to steal your energy. You need it to focus on your own family and to help support her and hers.

As for being tough on the kids. I would hold them to your usual standards/ expectations. Kids take comfort in some things never changing.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

As the adult in your home, your rules should be followed and explained to your sister and her kids. Not every home has the same set of rules or values, so this can be tricky. I would sit all the kids down with their mom there and explain the do's and don'ts. Hopefully, your sister isn't one of those "don't discipline my kids" types. And if she is not in agreement then she has the option to make other arrangements. Don't compromise your rules to accommodate your sister's situation. Just because her kids have "been through so much" please don't let that be the cop out for a teachable moment. You don't get a "pass" in life for having things rough.YOU might be their opportunity to learn a better way of doing things. Your mother should stay out of this situation, as you are not in any way blaming your sister or creating drama, you want to help and can really be a good influence in the lives of these kids.

You should be as tough on them as if there were your own kids. They have enough chaos going on in their lives; they don't need to turn into little hooligans on top of it all.

Your sister's kids ESPECIALLY need structure and discipline, now more than ever.

It's nice that you want to help your sister. But your immediate family is suffering and your husband needs your first. I am with Angela on this one that is time to find another place for them to go.

If you don't sort this out, your marriage may suffer far more than you know. Hubby trumps sis. Sometimes you just can't do it.

Sit down and figure it out. Talk to hubby first. If you do have to watch them, then go to her house and watch them. Time to change the game plan.

Good luck to all of you.

the other S.

PS Time to cut out the stress in your life. Life is too short for all the drama. No one gets anywhere.

She needs to find her own childcare. Aren't 3 of these six kids in school most of the day anyway?

Oh boy, this is a toughie.

If it were me, for the good of *my* family (my top priority), I would stop watching them on a weekly basis. I would still invite them over for dinners and get-togethers WHEN your sister is able to be there to supervise her own children.

I would research after-school or alternate child care options for her and then advise her of them. But I would - in as nice a way possible - draw a boundary and put a stop to consistent destructive influences on my own family.

I would also stay very sweet and loving with her kids. But I would NOT be responsible for them 2 days a week.

JMO.

arent they in school all day? ecspecially the oldest? if so you only have them a few hours and only 2 days a week. keep them busy , take them out to the park where they can play seperately or in groups. it will keep your house cleaner too. it seems shes trying to straightn up since she;s in school so your words seem harsh. if its too much then dont do it, dont hold it over her head and put guilt on top of everything else