Need Help with Stong Willed Child

My nephew was like that. His pediatrician recommended a tsp of mineral oil daily to keep him regular. With the mineral oil, he COULDN'T keep it in, even if he tried. He was on mineral oil for over a year until he learned not to hold it in.

I have 3 daughters of my own, and all I can say is that she will poop in the potty when she's ready...I made it into a "big girl" game. Let her poop in her pants and let her experience how awlful it is, then tell her that big girls poop in the potty...I also made "shopping" for big girl panties a huge deal and that seemed to inspire them. There big sisters also helped by using positive reinforcement, telling her she's a big girl....I let my gils pick out the potty chair they wanted...we got "potty" books, cool potty wipes and stickers or M&M's for when she finished. Good Luck...

My daughter was the same exact way and I too felt like pulling my hair out or slamming my head into a wall. We fought and I would always cry at night over it. Fortunately, that phase ended but it took a lot of time.

We did many things. She liked chocolate, gum, and jellybeans, oh and juice. So she would always "get" one of those if she pooped in the potty. Also, she loves princesses so we told her princesses pooped in the potty. I also bought the Elmo DVD on pottying because she loved him. I gave her applesauce to speed the poop along. We celebrated anytime she'd do it. And one last very gross thing we did which sucked but I think actually worked was we left panties on her instead of diapers (this was our last resort). They pee and poop in them enough and they no longer want to do it in their pants. We used a lot of carpet cleaner and I was always watching her every second. It sounds ridiculous and gross, but I think it helps. To each their own. Most importantly though is to calm down and stop fighting and be gentle. Because they get so worked up when we get frustrated. Count to ten if you need to but try not to get upset. All kids potty train differently and at different ages. Good luck. Hope I helped, J.

I have heard of a similar experience with a young girl at my son's daycare. I also have a very very strong willed son who is 2 1/2 so I can relate to nothing working. What they did at my son's daycare is they simply stopped. They put her back in diapers and let her get back to a regular schedule of going and the school actually worked with the family and let her stay in preschool. After about two months of her seeing that she was the only one in diapers, she wanted to get her underwear back, and she could only wear underwear if she pooed in the toilet. I remember it was a struggle that i always overheard the parents talking to the teacher about but I do remember that the teacher said it was simply a power struggle that the little girl had to win.

I think as long as you have been working with her Dr and they ruled out a medical issue, i would put her in diapers for a short time and just back away from it to see what happens. Will she go in diapers? Maybe she just needs to get back her security again. I would just not even say the word poo unless she brings it up and see what happens.

This'll sound odd, but we do odd things for our children - especially for the bullheaded ones. My son did NOT want to poop on the toilet, so, we had toilet parties. When we woke up, I'd announce it was time for a 'Potty Party!', and we'd run in, I'd sit on the tub and have him sit on the toilet for a while while I read to him and sang silly made-up toilet related songs. We'd give it about half an hour, and then wash up and go about our day. We'd continue that every few hours. He'd still have accidents now and then, but if I caught him hiding in a corner, or acting like he might need to poo, I'd say 'Is it time for another potty party?' in an excited voice like it was the highlight of my day - oh joy! Eventually, he'd request potty parties when he needed to use the bathroom. After a while of that, I told him I'd be in in a moment and that he could grab a book to read while he waited. I'd wander in and out some, but eventually, I'd just talk to him from another room. Mostly, I think it was him getting lonely because it does take much longer to pass a movement than to urinate. You could try getting your five year old involved too, which would help the little one relate better.

I am very thankful I was able to potty train our son in just 2 days, but my nephew had troubles as you mention. My brother finally had to leave him in a soiled pullup/underwear for about 45 minutes, and refused to hold him because he was "stinky" and since my nephew hated to be dirty, he finally started using the potty. I don't know if this helps, but that's what worked for them.

Good luck.

I had the same problem with my daughter when she was 3 yrs.old
She would pee in the toilet, but would always hold back when she needed to poop. Very frustrating, I know! She didn't poop for at least a week, I was so worried.This went on for several months. I started feeding her baby food prunes (they taste good) several times a day. The prunes softened the poops and allowed her to release it easier. That may also be the problem your child is having, too. The poop may feel like it might hurt and is too hard to push, which it probably is because it's so impacted. My daughter would sometimes wake up in the morning, with poop insider her underwear. Her bowels would naturally open up and release everything she was holding in. Offer you child apples, fresh vegetables, more fiber rich foods.
Aloe vera juice is also a natural laxative, which tastes good too. I buy strawberry/kiwi aloe at www.marketamerica.com/2bewell my 3 kids all like it, 2 oz. 1x morning and night.
Offer your child a reward if she poops. Maybe taking her somewhere special or giving her something she likes. It may seem like bribary at first, but will turn into a habit to start pooping on the toilet, then you won't have to use bribary!
Hang in there, try my advise, it will get better!!

mother of three

O.K. I have a 4 year old boy that went through the same problem. I started putting Fibersure in his sippy. Boy did I see a difference. In about 3 days I noticed a difference. He started going on the potty because it didn't hurt him. The doctor said that he was not getting enough Fiber. After seeing that it worked I stopped putting it in his cup and started putting it in our dinner since you can put it in food. Hopes this helps.

L.,
Wow do I relate!! I have a very mature 3.5 year old boy with the EXACT same problem - its been over a year now. He will purposely hold it for a WEEK then we end up giving him a suppository (which is traumatizing for all of us) to make him go. He has absolutely no interest going in the toilet. Modifying his diet (no banana, peanut butter, etc) has not helped at all since it it is him CHOOSING not to go poop.
My oldest son had the same problem and we ended up living with it until he turned 4 years old, when he miraculously became potty trained on his own. No bribing, no begging, no accidents after that either.
I've just decided to keep my 3 year old in diapers until he decides he's ready. For now I occasionally give him this root beer tasting stool softener for children I found at Walgreens (sorry can't remember the name, but it is a little glass bottle). This is the only thing he will take orally since the rest of the laxatives are very bitter tasting even when mixed with juice. Also, the liquid suppositories (box says for 2 - 5 year olds) work much quicker than the solid ones. After I give it to him we sit in a chair, him on my lap facing away from me, and I hold his feet so he can push it out. This is the only way he wants to be held to get it out.
Oh I hope things go better for you. I sincerely understand your frustration!
L. M.

My youngest son didn't want to poop at all and waited so long he always had accidents. After trying many things, I decided to do a reward chart. I made a BIG chart and let him pick out the stickers. I didn't make it to easy to earn one. He had to poop in the toilet 3 times to get his first reward. Then I kept increasing the amount until he finally earned the big reward. I made sure the rewards weren't always food related. They were small toys or trips to the park, special play times with mommy, etc. His big reward was a nice toy. This worked for us. You have to make a big deal about it and don't slack off.

Hi, sorry that you are going through this too. My son just turned four and is finally getting the hang of going poop in the potty. If she goes without going poop for more than 2 days, you can give her the Little tummies brand laxative. The stool will soften enough for her to go and not struggle with the pain. My son was drinking tons of apple juice and not much water, so I started to give him other kinds of juices like berry and fruit punch and some more water.

I thought we were the only ones. My daughter is 3 1/2 and had no interest in pooping in the potty. After trying everything I have heard and read I came up the "Diaper Fairy". I told my daughter that when the fairy thought she was ready she would take her diapers away. So that night after my daughter went to bed I got rid of all the diapers. We went cold turkey, she had an accident right away but we just cleaned it up and put another pair of big girl underwear on and went on with the day. It's been over 2 weeks now and it's not 100% yet she still does not want to poop in the potty and she usually starts in her pants and then I have her try to sit on the potty for a few min and read a book or we sing songs to get her mind off of it but eventually so goes. Hang in there.

I come from a very large family and well when i was in the middle of potty traing my step-son going poop is the last thing that you will accomplish as a team. My step-son had no problem going pee, but there for a while he refused to poop in the toilet, he would run and hide and poop in his pull-up. I would ask him if he was proud of himself because he did so well going potty and we had a potty chart that showed when he went potty in the big potty as we called it and he liked it because he could then see how he did and also show daddy his accomplishments too. I would ask my step-son several times a day if he had to go potty, but I took him to try and potty every hour on the hour and as he was starting to get it we did not go to the potty as often, but then it finally got to where he would tell me that he had to go potty.

My aunt when she potty trained her daughter would let her blow out a candle and make a wish because that worked for her. my cousin when potty training her daughter used the sticker charts and let her daughter pick out her stickers or other small rewards.

The fact of the matter is there is no one method that is going to work. So keep trying and she will do it and even though it can be frustrating just hang in there.

My daughter is the same age and has had almost the exact same problem! The only thing that has helped for me is rewards when she does go poop in the potty and telling her if she wants to go to pre k she has to poop in the potty because they cant wear diapers there. she still is afraid to poo after the big ones that she has but she is getting better so im seeing light at the end of the tunnel. i pray you do too soon.

i have not dealt w/ this personally, but my friend did. They don't know what happened to cause it, but her son would "hold it in" well over the age of 5!! They gave Miralax to make him go....and KEPT giving it for MUCH longer than they thought he needed it (just to make sure)....I think for like a total of 6 months. It took a while but w/ the Miralax he didn't get impacted. And he quickly learned that it was easier to go on the potty than make such a mess.
Sorry that I am not more help.

I just went through the same thing with my little boy who will be 4 in January. He refused to poop in the potty and had no problems peeing in the potty. His teacher suggested getting him a "special" toy that he could only use while he was sitting on the potty trying to poop and he could play with it for 5 minutes after going poop in the potty. It took a day or so until he sat there long enough to poop. Once he did it the first time and everyone made a big fuss over it, he loved going poop. He did call everyone in to look in the toilet the first few times. But he was so proud of himself and has now been going poop in the potty for a few weeks.

L.

Perhaps your little one is picking up on the 'intensity' of the struggle - try changing your behavior first deal with every poop situation as if your telling someone what time it is - absolutely no affect on you what so ever - I know it may be asking for an academy award performance but you see if it is not poop it could be ANYTHING else - I mean a strong willed person is a liberaci in pushing buttons. A simple you say potatoe I say potaatoe method of "everyone does things differently" and point out to her as you go for walks that "see that little girl is wearing tennis shoes that other little girl is wearing boots" "that little girl chose to wear shorts today and you chose to wear pants" once your daughter understands that We ALL make our choices over EVERYTHING then you can very calmly aske her "Do you want to go poop in the potty or your panties?" then when she sees/hears her situation as a choice she can't dig in her heels she has to choose one (of course at first she will choose the panties to check to see if the 'button' is still there" simply clean her up and go about your business. Then the next time ask again are you going to go in your panties or the potty? etc you get my drift.....then while shopping you can be looking at some really great looking panties and oooh and aaaah over them and say "Oh look here I can't wait to buy you these, I just have to wait until you choose the potty instead of choosing the panties so they don't get all stinky - then I get to buy you these panties that will be great!

Strong willed children are my favorites because they grow up into wonderful advocates! They can use that will to stick to hard things like college! I was and am still a strong willed child and working on my doctorate :)

Good luck you just may have the next female president on your hands! What a responsiblity!

J.

Yes, I have had a similar experience! I have raised a combination of six children, three being my own and three bonus and with each child came new experiences.

It was with my last son who is now almost five (in January)that I had the potty problems that you are describing. The way I handled it was I just let him revert to the pull up and praised him whenever he used the potty rather than deal with a power struggle.

We tried several different potty chairs, ones that stand alone and ones that are an adaptation for the big potty. I let him play with one of the stand alone pottys with his stuffed animals. It sat in the living room and he would place his stuffed tiger on it while he watched the potty video.

If you have never heard of this video it is called "Once Upon a Potty" and they have a version for girls and one for boys. You can google it or check on Amazon. We would also add corn syrup to milk for him to drink which would help move him (he had stomach problems since birth and this is what the doctor had us do for him). One tablespoon corn syrup to one cup of milk or formula or soymilk.

At almost five, he is mostly potty trained but sometimes still reverts to having accidents and still wears a pullup to bed. I think it is important to be supportive and reassuring with potty issues because they can become a deep seated shame if they are punished or pushed.

I'm sorry that this is so long but I also think that it is important to address something that you may not know about. It is something that I was unaware of until my son was three and a half. My son was diagnosed with PDD (NOS), Pervasive Development Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, which is a form of Autism. By all counts he is very happy and appears to be a normal child who is EXTREMELY bright. But he has always had quirky little things that I never realized were symptoms of his condition.

This whole potty thing is one of those symptoms. I thought that he was being strong willed and that we were involved in a power struggle but actually it is linked with sensory processing issues and brain stemming and it needs to be handled in a compassionate manner. Anyways, I hope some of this is helpful to you. If you would like more information on PDD or Autism Spectrum Disorders, feel free to message me and I can recommend several books and websites.

I know this may sound gross but I would suggest having her wear underwear all the time (except overnight). It will be messy for a while but she will eventually decide it's not worth being poopy and having nasty underwear. Right now she knows you will eventually give in and let her wear the pull-ups. I would also suggest giving her raisins or some other dried fruit every day (dates or apricots). Gerber also has an apple/prune juice that you could give her for the times you offer juice. My son ate a little box of raisins every day and became very regular. If I ever noticed his BM looking more like rabbit pellets than poop then I would give him some of the juice.

Also, my son was initially shocked when his poop splashed up and he felt it but then I tried to make it a game to see if he was "lucky enough" to get the water to splash up so he could feel it.

The best advice I can offer is to let her go on her own. You can't force a child to use the toilet before they are ready or like you said, it becomes a power struggle and you both lose. My son was VERY hard headed when it came to potty time and after we just let go of it all, he started using it when he was ready. It also helps to offer rewards for using the potty.

Boy,do I sympathize with you! Let me share my story: One of my daughters (who is now 21) did the same thing for several years around the same age as your daughter. My daughter actually ended up in the hospital nearly blocking her bowels before it was all over with let alone the countless infections such as strep that she continually had as her whole body was poisoning itself which left her immune system in shambles. Plus her body had to relieve itself so unfortunately she went at night in her sleep. (This was long before pull ups were made! UGH!) I also had a neice that did the same thing and the two main issues they shared was that 1.)Pooping is time consuming and when you want to play all day long a few minutes out of childhood seems like forever. 2.) When you don't go much it hurts to go. So pain was an issue. The doctors did give me stool softeners and we learned to feed her foods and juices that helped as well. My advice as a Mom of 4 and (GULP-I am not old enough to be a) GRANDMA-First-Seriously make sure there has not been a change or trauma in life for her that might have triggered it. Even small things can upset a child and they can have different reactions than us adults....Watch the dairy products and sugar and encourage healthy things like oatmeal, fruits and avoid starches. (You know-all that healthy stuff that us grown ups are supposed to be eating! LOL!) I am guessing you do not give her sodas, etc as they dry out your system and make sure she drinks plenty of water. We also got a sticker and reward system. When my daughter pooped she got a sticker and after so many she got a small toy or reward of extra TV time, a trip to the park, extra parental time together etc. I always made sure that Mommy got to inspect the poo poo too so take the time to do that to make sure it is really there. Even if it is just a little bit and she is proud of it-give her a sticker or something as it makes her want to do it more. And if she makes an extra good poo poo give her an extra sticker. Make it something special that gives her positive reinforcement and tells her she is a big girl. Another thing we learned to do once she got a bit in the swing of things was get her to go BEFORE she was able to go outside or play etc. So it got to be part of the routine. Now this was not all a quick fix for us as it did take some time to adjust to and it will have to be her decision since it is her body. Also, make sure you carry some extra rewards in your purse for when you go somewhere. I do know that there is a book about poo in most of the good bookstores but I cannot remember the name of it so you might want to look that up. All my best to you and please keep us posted!

A.

My son who turned 3 in Sept. was going pee on the potty 7 months ago no problem. POO on the other hand was a different story. Would not go. He said he was scared. Could not put him in underwear, and if I did it did not seem to bother him if he pooped in his pants. He did not have a problem going but he refused to go in the potty. I tried everything. Treats, toys, different activities everything, saying Mama and Daddy go poop on the potty. The one thing that did work was he loved the different caracters on his pull ups. Spider Man, Bob the Builder, so I said "know Spider Man goes poop on the potty, and so does Bob the Builder." My son had a eureka moment and ever since then (3 month) I think he has had just one or two small accidents. Keep trying don't give up on her yet.

I had the same problem with my daughter. We started using a supositories with her back in oct and within a month she was pooping by herself

I have a 6 year old girl soon to be 7 that has been holding her poop since she was three years old. We have made several trips to the doctor, put her on Mirilax and added extra fiber to her diet and nothing works. Her doctor said this is a very common thing amongst kids this age and it will pass with time. My daughter said she is so used to holding it in, it is hard to stop. I have talked to several other mothers of kids my daugther's age and they too have this problem. It is frustrating, but it is something we will have deal with until they out grow it.

L.,

My son now 6 had a fear of going poop. He would run around yelling "OH DEAR" "OH DEAR". It was a living nightmare. I've heard that some kids feel like they are losing a part of there body when poop comes out. This is most common with boys though. The best thing to do is to remain calm "easier said then done". We used Fleet Babylax for ages 2-5 years. It is a liquid laxative that comes in rectal applicators as soon as you squeeze it in they usually have to immediately run to the bathroom. My son didn't like me using the applicator so I only had to do it a few times before he decided he would rather go to the bathroom then have the applicator inserted. I believe at this point in my life that Potty Training has been the worst experience of parenthood so far! I have a 6, 4 & 2 year old. My 2yr old will be 3 in January and I am still working with her on both pee & poop. She's been quite stubborn herself (this is my only girl) I've heard girls are easier but it hasn't been proven in my case. She knows what she is supposed to do but just doesn't do it. I've tried about everything there is. She always tells me "Mom I went Pee change me". Fun! Fun! Good Luck J. C