Need Your "Take" on Sister's Rude Behavior

My take is that you need to have an open discussion with your sister.

"Did you cancel the bowling because I and daughter were going? Do you have an issue with me that we need to discuss?"

Maybe your sister has a valid reason for this behavior, and it's time to get to the bottom of it, not focus on whether she is "rude" or not.

Is she habitually flaky or passive agressive? If not, I would just take it as an off day on her part, and give her the benefit of the doubt.

My brother is the sort to have go bags packed for all of his extra curriculars, weeks in advance, with check lists, important phone numbers, car pooling arrangements etc.

Me, I get up in the morning, look out the window, grab some gear, and text some friends to let them know I will be doing xyz at xyz if they would care to join me.

Neither is right or wrong, we just march to the beat of our own drums.

Best,
F. B.

I'm not sure why you can't just talk to her about it. Do you two not get along or something? I mean, if I thought my sister didn't want me at a family function I'd be more hurt than concerned with her rudeness :-(

Ignore it. Count your blessing and don't nurse the slights. You can't control her behavior, only your response and taking offense will only make you unhappy.

It was mother's day, not mother's and sister's plus the whole family day. You had some time with your mother, and then she did too. You didn't have dinner plans with her, so your evening was open anyway. In the future, have a back-up plan and make the best of it.

Wow! Yes, your sister was very rude! While reading your post, I wondered why she even bothered inviting you to do the bowling Groupon, and then figured it out. As you said, she invited you at the last minute, which means you were not her first choice of the 6 people. One of her friends (or another family member with whom she is close) must have cancelled, leaving her strapped to fill the extra Groupon spot, so, against her better judgment, she decided to ask you.

Clearly, your sister doesn't like you (I'm sorry - that is sad). So, you were "good enough" to join them for bowling as a "6th person financial Groupon contributor," but not good enough to extend an invite for dinner at her house. That is low! How rude!!!!

I think you need to cut ties with your sister (until she starts treating you like a human being). Hang out with people that like you! Best wishes!

Dont' make a bigger thing of this than it is. It could be they are tight on money, or she didn't want a crowd at her house when she had to go to work the next day, etc. Does she have children? Childless people are often not tolerant of kids. Or maybe her husband doesn't like your husband, or any other combination. Maybe she's a little jealous of something in your life. Or maybe she thinks you make a really big deal out of stuff that's not a big deal so she wanted to avoid the drama?

People will often have gatherings without me. Sometimes I have gatherings without them. Sometimes I'm included in other people's parties when other's haven't been invited. That's just how it is. I can't let myself get upset about this stuff.

As for not having anything to do on Mother's Day - you were with your child weren't you? That's mother's day to me.

My mom passed away last year a couple of weeks before Mother's Day and it was the first time I didn't have her to go see. It did feel a little strange - just like this year felt odd. And my sister's now have grandchildren so they go their own way on Mother's Day. Family dynamics change as the years go by - sometimes it takes a while to get used to it.

My suggestion - enjoy your own child, have fun with her in a relaxed way - and don't make this situation into a dig deal. Your sister had reasons - they might have been about you or not. Either way what good would come of it to find out? The only thing you can graciously do is to ask if she's upset with you for any reason. Then, as every little girl can now sing to you - "Let it go".

Second guessing gets you no where, if you over all get along, just ask her. If not, well there you go.

I have noticed in our families the more children, and the older we get, the way we do things changes for different reasons.

I would not depend on others for the plans you want, instead you can be the planner. For mothers day what do YOU want. Do you want the entire family to get together? Then plan that, but be prepared if they want to spend it with their own families, or need to go to the inlaws, or want to plan the mothers day gathering on another day so the individual mothers can be with their young children on the actual day. Be a tree and bend.

It could be ANYTHING. If it's not a big enough deal for you to ask her directly, then you will just make yourself crazy trying to figure it out. You'll NEVER know.

I'm interested in what part bothers you, though. Had she learned of your presence and NOT invited you--even at the last minute--would you have found that rude, as well? Is it that you weren't invited in the first place? She cancelled the bowling for whatever reason. Would you have felt better about that had she just stood you up (since you say that you weren't on her original guest list for that, either)? I'm really not getting what would have made this perfect for you.

Do you two get along okay? Maybe she does not enjoy your company. Maybe you are toward the end of her long list of preferred guests. There's actually nothing wrong with that. We like whom we like.

"...She only invited me when she knew I would find out about it." There's a chance that this is accurate. It's more likely that you're just assuming it, based on your history. This is the kind of thing that you can NEVER KNOW without asking, so why get yourself all worked up over something that wasn't spoken to you directly from the so-called offender?

Maybe she feels like you always read so much into every litte thing that she does and she just has a hard time feeling comfortable knowing the most appropriate approach to dealing with you. Some people find that tiresome and not worth the hassle.

If you have a good relationship with your sister and your families normally get along fine, then why don't you just ask her what the deal is and why she acted so strangely?

If you don't have a good relationship with her, then you already know the answer. She didn't want to spend Mothers' Day with a family who she doesn't get along with. She wanted a drama-free day. Which is her prerogative (she could have handled it much better than she did of course, but if she didn't want to spend the day with your family, she doesn't have to. Just like you don't have to spend time with her if she annoys you by always being flaky).

I think that it was rude to invite you but to then cancel when you said you were bringing dear daughter. unless they were doing a more grown up day in which case it is totally in her right to say sorry not going to do it today. the rudeness was the lying part. I understand not wanting to deal with kids sometimes. is your kid a lot younger than the other one? is yours a lot needier not saying she is just asking. I love kids. but I have a set of nieces and nephews that I can stand for about 10 minutes max. as the whole event is mommy mommy mommmy mommmy mommyyyy instead of me being able to spend time visiting with my sister I have to listen to her referee. I choose not to go sometimes. And yes I have called her and said "so I am going to be rude and say we would like you but not the kids today" is it rude? maybe but it is my event/house and sometimes it has to be that way.

As far as nothing to do on mothers day it really wasn't her responsibility to entertain you and your daughter. I am glad you took your daughter and did something.

what's your history like with your sister?
this does sound weird and hinky, so rather than planning fun days like mother's day around your family, just focus on your own lot.
what's your mom's take?
khairete
S.

Life is too short, let it go. You went out with your daughter and that is what counts.

I don't get any of it. I don't understand why you are so hung up on it. Really, I don't.

Didn't you have plans to spend the day with your own family and daughter? Why are you so hurt to not be invited to dinner? Is your sister also a mother? (or was the husband/son you referred to your other sister and her family).. Frankly, I'm a little selfish when it comes to days like Mother's Day (and I don't mind admitting it). I wouldn't want to spend it at my sister's house... I'd want to be spending it with MY family (my husband and kids). Yes... seeing my mother would be fabulous (she doesn't live locally), though I'd honestly not want to spend the entire day doing that. I love my mom. But I'm also a mom, and deserving of a little indulgence for ME. At mom's, I'm not the mom, but the daughter/sibling... so I am the one doing for mom, not getting pampered.
Sounds rather crass, I know, but it's honest.
Maybe it's bc we never had these huge Mother's Day deals when I was growing up. It was celebrated, but it wasn't one of those "invite the whole family" type events. It's was smaller and central to OUR home. We went and saw my grandmother, took her a bouquet of flowers or something, and that was that... back home. We didn't all gather at grandma's for the day/dinner.

It just seems to me that you are viewing this as you being excluded from something that is not what you think it as. It isn't necessarily an extended family all day event. It also isn't Christmas, when everyone needs to be gathered at the same time (for a lot of people, anyway). It's a day when you recognize and celebrate your mom.
You did that. So why are you so bothered that you weren't included in your sister's plans (your sister's, not you AND your sister's, plans). Your daughter and husband should be taking care of you and celebrating you a little. Did they not? Why the hurt feelings at all?

I guess I just am missing something.

--
ETA
So that I am making sense: Instead of it being bowling and dinner, what if your sister was just sending flowers to your mom? Would you be offended and find it rude that she didn't call you and ask if you wanted "in" on contributing to sending them? And if you happened to talk to her and she mentioned she was sending flowers and then there was some awkwardness, and she asked if you would like to go in on that with her, the fact that it was last minute--would that bother you?
It's the same thing. She celebrated Mom not by sending flowers, though, but by bowling and dinner. She was not obligated to include anyone else in how she chose to celebrate your mom.

After your SWH: Who is "EVERYONE" else in the family? You only mention your two sisters and one of their spouses and son. That could simply be the host (and her family) and a single sister who has no one else to spend the time with. There is nothing rude about that, in my opinion. I had a grown brother who was single for a very long time. I never found it odd if he was included in anything, simply because he was single and had no other plans. Are there other people you didn't mention in this "everybody" else?
The bowling idea.. fine. But that didn't include dinner. So how that left you with no plans for dinner makes no sense.

I don't know. Sounds like you have other issues with your sister that predate this, maybe?
But, in answer to your actual question, no, I don't really find it rude. You obviously do, and you are entitled to think so. But I don't agree. And I am entitled to think what I think as well. You came here and asked. If you didn't want opinions that might be different from your own, you shouldn't have bothered asking for them.
You are upset because "we thought we had plans set for mother's day where my dd was included," yet the whole thing was "at the last minute." So, really, you didn't plan in advance yourself and you are putting the blame on your sister. That hardly seems fair.

I'm sorry you felt left out. But in my opinion, it was expectations on your part that caused it, more than any rudeness by your sister. Sorry you had a disappointing day. Next year, make your own plans from the start. If you want to include your sister, fine. If not, fine.

My sisters and I do combined celebrations sometimes for Mother's Day and other special days, but often we have our own individual activities going. I'm not much of a party planner (parties are just not of much interest to me since my daughter grew up) so most of my invitations to others are fairly spontaneous, when they occur at all. So I'm probably rather like your sister (and so are other family members, actually).

As far as I've ever been informed, none of us consider the others rude if we make plans for gatherings that exclude any of us, for any reason at all. So I guess I don't understand why you assume you should be included in your sisters plans.

But perhaps you're a good party planner and have done the arranging and meal-hosting in your family more often than seems fair to you? If your sister doesn't reciprocate when you're usually the one putting out the effort, I can understand your wondering why. The only way to know is to ask your sister.

But please don't begin that conversation by telling her she's "rude," which may not be the case at all from her perspective. Find out the whats and whys of her expectations and needs, compare them to yours, and see whether the two of you can find a comfortable common ground. Wishing you well.

Your sister's behavior was rude and hurtful. I don't understand her behavior at all. Do you have a bad relationship with her? I have one sister and we've always tried to do a combined celebration for Mother's Day, my mom's birthday, etc., and if we wanted to do something extra special for our mom on our own, we would do it on a different day. And we would certainly not keep it a secret.

Since your sister is a flake, I would always have a backup plan ready if your sister's the one planning things.

I'd chat with your sister and see what she says. I have a sister in law that if I know she will be their with their daughter, I may decline the invitation b/c her daughter is a yeller and she is an ignorer. Do you your kiddos all get along? Just a thought...I am not saying any one's kids are not well behaved, just wondering if maybe she was doing it to avoid a fight on Mother's day

Sounds like my sister. She's possessive of my parents even though she complains a lot about them. I think she is actually jealous of my family's relationship with them because my kids and I like them, whereas all she does is complain about them. But she doesn't like to share their attention when we are around, which is rare. So I've stopped trying. Now, I just set up our own dates. Makes life less stressful.