Mother's Day Is Stressful!

You shouldn't be cooking on mother's day... maybe all the men can serve all the women that day and include everyone? Not petty, but if they've been doing this forever it would be hard to break the tradition.

Why don't the men cook or order in so that you don't have to cook and clean all day? They aren't helpless.

Perhaps this perspective will help. My mother died before my son was born and I've never been able to celebrate mother's day with her nor share anything about being a mother with her. Moms don't last forever and if you're married to the most wonderful guy in the world my guess is you're celebrating mother's day every day of the year. We're not all so lucky.

Best,
P.

Hi J.. One of the reasons why your husband is so wonderful is that these two women raised him. I totally understand your desire to have your *own* Mother's Day. Look at it like this - when those women are gone you will see all of your kids and grandchildren every Mother's Day until you die. The plan was cast before you entered the family. Trying to pull your son out of the big day will only hurt the relationship you have with his family. And, if the situation were reversed, you'd expect him to join you with your mom(s) every year, right? And maybe he and your daughter can bring you a nice breakfast in bed?

Just let everybody know a few months ahead of time that the next Mother's Day you are going to do something different. You want to spend the day with your family. You deserve it and you CAN do it. Nothing is written in stone. Your husband can certainly give you a day now and then. You are NOT selfish. If anything they are, for forcing you and making you feel guilty. You can still see them to drop off a gift and then leave. Even if they were to get mad they will get over it. You are doing nothing wrong. Only YOU can make yourself feel guilty.

Mother's Day or any other day is stressful only if you try really hard and focus on aspects which don't bring you peace. Try focusing on what you like instead. You're not tied down and gagged, you can go somewhere else and do what you want even if it's by yourself. If that will make you feel better, do what you want. Let him go where he wants, this isn't about him or what he wants. He's stuck in the middle and that's not fair to him.

The other mothers who are all spending the day together on their side of the family are not spending the day only with their family either. The only thing keeping you from having fun is thinking that you're not going to get your way or do what you feel is fun. Every emotion is legitimate emotion. It is an indicator that you're moving away from something you don't like or moving toward something that you DO want. Because you're feeling resentful it may be an indicator that you are pushing away from the idea that you don't get to have fun. Move instead into a direction that you are doing something that is fun. The smallest course of action for you to take may be to find a way for you to have more free time.

Of all the things that you feel obligated to do, (make a list of all the activities you are currently doing on a regular basis) Divide them into catagories:
A) things you must do or bad things will happen (go to job so you can pay your mortgage/rent
B) things you are doing because somebody else wants you to do it, even though you really don't want to.
C) things you are doing because other people are doing it and you would feel left out if you didn't.
D) things you do because it just feels great to do it.

Keep doing A and D things and reconsider how much free time you would have if you didn't feel obligated to do things you really don't want to do in the first place. When you let go of feeling guilty about not running around like a chicken with your head cut off just to please everyone else, you can start to pay attention to the things that really make you feel good and that is what life is all about.

Everyone has their kids doing 40,000 different activities, but do they ever sit down with the kids and find out if it is really something the kids want to do or are the kids just doing it to please the parents.

I think what you really want is to feel special all the time. Why wait for one lousy day a year. Be the person who cares enough about yourself that others treat you with the respect and love that you provide for yourself. Dr. Phil says you show others how to treat you by how you feel about yourself. Jerry and Ester Hicks in the book "ask and it is given" show how you are always a vibrational match to the events that are occurring in your life. You attract those events by how you choose to feel. That is right, when you decide to change how you feel and only focus on the events and things that make you feel a little better than before and talk in a way that is only about the admirable qualities of other people (or focus on something that you like that is on a completely different subject) then you change the situations and people that interact with you automatically and with ease.

Love, L.
Teacher of New Consciousness

Your feelings are very valid. Your husband "should" spend the day with you and your family and tell his "moms" that he will see them the following Sunday, or whatever works. That would be ideal, your husband putting you first.

However, in reality that just may not happen. So, why be miserable over it? Find a day, soon, that you can spend with your family and have your very own "Mother's day". Your husband isn't trying to hurt your feelings, he's trying to avoid a difficult situation. So, help him out a bit by telling him, "Next Thursday is officially Mother's Day in this house and I would love it if we could go on a daytrip."

He'll appreciate you taking the pressure off of him and may even make a bigger effort to make your "Mother's Day" special.

Hope this helped. Be blessed.

I totally understand how you feel. There is NOTHING wrong with changing the brunch to a Saturday for mom & stepmom in order for you to actually enjoy Mother's Day w/your husband & kids on Sunday. It sounds like you have sister-in-laws. Are they also mothers? Maybe you can ask them how they feel about it.

Hi J.,

Oh, I feel for you! And I DO NOT think that you are being petty or selfish! Although it's wonderful to spend time with extended family, we also need to pay attention to our own needs. I suggest that you sit down with your husband and have a good talk about how it makes you feel to be left out. Explain how important it is for YOU to be celebrated as a mom and how much you need some special time alone with just him and your kids. Now, that being said, the day IS about all moms, so everyone should be celebrated. So...split the day. His family can either have the morning or the afternoon, but not both. And if they plan a whole day, just show up for part of it, and spend the other part doing a small celebration for just YOU. It's your husband's responsibility to step up and talk to his family about it and explain that HE wants to do something special for just you, but that he'd like to make it all work.

Good luck! And let us know how it goes...

Hi J.!

First Happy Mother's Day in advance to you!! You sound like a wonderful Mom!

Mother's Day seems to be a really stressful time for everyone... the more and more I talk with my girlfriends & other Moms as well. I can understand your frustrations, ( as your "The Mom" and it's such a Special Day to be celebrated on:-). I can also see where it's hard being pulled in so many different directions. The best advice that I feel I can give....( is ask yourself how many Mother's Day's you feel this way? If it's every one of them, and you keep feeling like your the "Mom" that is getting put on the backburner:)) then try and find the best approach & balance to explain to the rest of the family that this Mother's Day you would really just like to spend the day with your personal family and you hope they understand, and also that it was a very hard decision.

I know that can be really hard about approaching the subject, ( as Mother's Day is so Special & can also be a really sensitive time for Moms) but hopefully they will understand that maybe you can alternate & in just being really Honest with them, hopefully they will understand. I hope that helped some! I feel for you, so I hope it all works out! Good Luck with it all.
Love, A. Toft

I do not think that you are being petty - you have the right as a Mother to enjoy your Mother's Day. I have a suggestion - could you have a Mother's Day Eve Dinner with all the other Mother and then spend Mother's Day with your immediate family (husband and kids)? Just a thought.

My mother and I decided years ago that neither of us were to make dinner that night, that it was up to the men.

What about a "special" Mother's Day just for you and your Mom? Maybe something simple.

I understand the frustration. I have six children, all adopted. Our Mother's Days are spent reflecting on and celebrating their birth mothers, which I know is so important, but I feel jealous and want to celebrate my own motherhood. We have to chose another day, not so emotionally packed, in order to allow for my needs to be met.
What a blessing that your husband's mom and stepmom get along, that you have family close enough to celebrate with,even that your daughter is able to participate in sports.
How about changing up the brunch thing a bit? What about taking everybody on a day trip to the ocean or Old Sacramento? Decide what you'd like to do and then turn it in to a fun "surprize" for everyone else. Even a picnic at a park can make it your day. Your attitude is key.
Have a wonderful Mother's Day
L.

I totally understand how you feel, and I don't think you are being petty at all. I have the problem that I WANT to spend the day with my whole family but my brother and sister are each an hour away in opposite directions and my husband doesn't want anyone at our house (because we just had Easter and my son's bday here) and refuses to travel anyplace either. What is up with that? He doesn't believe in mother's day or valentine's day, etc., because he claims they were all set up by vendors and stationers so we'll spend money. Bah!!

Anyhow, here's my opinion: I know it really sucks not to have the actual mother's day the way you want it, but I recommend spending the day with your husband's family and then planning a separate mother's day all your own. Who says you have to have mother's day May 11th? Mother's day can be any day that you and your family decide will be dedicated to doing what YOU want. How lucky that you get to have two!!!

And think how lucky you are that your husband even asked you what you wanted to do. My husband said, "Ah, mother's day is coming? Ah, man. What day is that now?" So try to get over the fact of the date and appreciate that you get to enjoy two of them. I know it's hard when you're the one doing it, but try to change the way you look at it. And maybe you can start a new tradition with you and your mother too.

Good luck, and hope you have a happy mother's day!!!

If you're petty then I think we all are petty for buying into the cheesy Mother's day commercials on TV and expecting something "special" on that day... and being disappointed and annoyed every year. Last mother's day my husband brought me to the (grocery!!) store so I could pick out my own flowers. Yippee! <insert eye roll here>
My opinion is that wives and especially mothers bow to everyone else's desires EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR, so if you want to spend mother's day as a family on your own outing, this is the one day of the year you should get to do what you want to do. Your husband should tell the rest of the family it's your choice and you wanna try something different this year. Do brunch the following Sunday- since it's a brunch that's not all about you anyway, there's no reason it HAS TO be on Mothers day. Good luck!

Ditto what others ahve said. Mother's Day for me is one of 2(my bday) days a year, I get what I do or don't want. Sometimes we do brunches, lunch, or dinner with all the mom's on DH's side and any of my family that's around, the guys usually make and clean up everything. The kids always bring me breakfast in bed & homemade cards, sometimes we leave town, sometimes we just hibrenate at home. This year, we're cleaning up the yard, to tip top shape, my way,everyone complies cause they want to bless mom, We're doing this because the following Sat. ds is graduating and we'll have about 200 people here. I'm sure your mil's feel really special, but also your sil may be feeling the apron string a bit tight, btdt, like you. Remember those wedding vows, "the leave and cleave part"? Sometimes my dh forgets the "leave" part but a gentle reminder and no disrespect to his mom is helpful. hugs~~K.

Can you do something the Sunday before and always make that your Mother's Day! You get to have a special day with your family and before everyone else. Make it a tradition every year so your husband isnt stuck between you and his mother. As for your mother can you have a special lunch with her and you alone durning the week when she is not working and do it up right for her bring her flowers and a small gift and spoil her. It will make you feel better too. And also give thanks that you have a large family that wants everyone to be together. I am an only child and both of my parent have past on...my husband's father has pasted and his mother lives back east with his only brother. It is good to have family close...good luck and have fun.

Please allow me to add a different perspective: Mother's Day is a day concocted by advertising agencies to boost greeting card, floral and restaurant sales. In my family we choose our own "Mother's Day", which is not the one dictated by advertising. Why would I want to go out on a day when restaurant's are over crowded and my family feels it's a forced issue. I receive cards, as does my Mother and Mother-in-Law. My kids take me, in turn, to lunch, dinner, brunch or tea individually on a date of our choosing. I love it because I get to spend quality time with my sons on an individual basis. They spend the advertised "Mother's Day" with their wives and families. My husband BBQ's on "the day" so I at least don't cook.
The message here is create your own celebration. It does not have to fall in sync with the date dictated by others and may hold more meaning, and less angst, if you choose not to follow the crowd. It's worked well for us.
L.

Hello.. no your not being petty. As you stated it's your day as well as a mother. I think you should allow your husband & his siblings to spend mother's day with his mother and step-mom. And you on the other hand, go and spend the day with your mother or just YOURSELF... (no kids). Just pamper yourself and/or your mom... go to a day spa, get a manicure & pedicure, have lunch, and go watch a movie. You would really, really enjoy the time to yourself. I'm sure it's overdue for you.. as for myself and so many other mother's. Just explain to your husband - that this is what you want to do for yourself.... it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else - but you would like to enjoy your day as well as be catered too - as the wonderful mother that YOU are.

Enjoy....

Why not spend mother's day with your mom instead of his family. Your husband can take the kids to the usual Sunday brunch and you'll get time away to spend one on one with your mom and the two of you can do something special together. Even if it's only for a few hours in the morning, then you can meet the rest of his family afterwards.

It sounds like you have 3 potential "Mothers' Day" to celebrate: one with you husband and children, one with your mother, and one with your in-laws. Enjoy all three opportunities, whenever they happen! Next March, ask your husband if he will contact his siblings and be a part of the planning process for the event for his mothers; maybe you can help to plan something that will work for all the families involved. They might appreciate the change also.

J.
The last thing I would do on Mothers Day is cook. Mothers Day is a day for Mothers to be appreciated for all they do all year. If anyone should be cooking it is the men!!!!!! I would never stand for what you are being asked to do, never. You do not need to feel obligated to partake in what seems to be another patriarchal affair.

It is your day. Do as you please. I personally am leaving my family to get a massage, go shopping in SF and then I will join my family for dinner out.

J

I have been through this for over 10 years. The only thing that has set me free from resentment is that I choose to live in the present. I try to enjoy and savor the time I am currently living in. When I do this, I realize that there is nothing special about Mother's Day ON Mother's Day. It truly does not matter what day you will get your requested Mother's Day. Know what I mean? It sounds like Mother's Day at your in-laws in an established thing and that it doesn't affect your own mother because you can't celebrate it with her that day anyway. I think you are lucky- you have the potential to have multiple and really precious Mother's Days!!! If there was a conflict between both your Moms (let alone yourself) then I'd have different advice.... Hope this helps. Don't be stuck on the actual day- be flexible on that and live in the present. In your case, you are not compromising on anything if you do this! :-)

You need to talk to your sister-in-laws,they may feel the same way. See if you can rotate the brunchs so everyone takes a turn having them. Do a true brunch with eggs, bacon ect.,then take the rest of the day to be with your famely. The other girls may feel the same as you do?
As to your MOM she can spend part of the day with you before or after her shift at work depending on the one she is working.I was luckey enouth to have inlaws that all got along,maybe your MOM would like to come to these brunches?

You are not being petty. I would totally feel the same way. You are a mother and should be able to celebrate with your children. As for your mother, I do understand that as well, but there's nothing you can do about that since she has to work anyway. Her working doesn't mean you don't spend time with your in-laws. Your husband is in a tough spot, but he asked you what you wanted. That should have been considered. I would tell him and everyone else that NEXT year you all will be there to celebrate with them LATE in the afternoon after you do your Mother's DAY with your children. I say next year because it seems as though this one, though resented, is going to happen the way that it's been set up. Go and enjoy the day, but make sure that throughout the celebration you grab some alone time with you kids.

Happy Mother's Day

I can understand the conflict you must be feeling. You want him to make the events of the day your choosing, you are, after all, the main mom in his life now. I don't think you should beat yourself up about feeling resentful, but there might be a way to some resolution. It requires that you make a compromise and then let go of the situation and enjoy the celebration as you've decided to have it. Since someone in the family is making the decision, can you become a more involved member of the decision-making team? Can you call the other mothers and add your input? What if you suggested a family dinner, so that you can spend the day with your immediates? The best way to end the resentment is to be assertive, with tact and a willingness to compromise but also firmly letting your needs be known. It can be done but it's an art. Getting involved in the decision with the other mothers might also bring you improved relations with them. They might appreciate your input as a sign that you want to relate to them as more than an in-law. Good luck.

You're not petty.
Don't feel guilty.
...anyway- what are they gonna do- FIRE you?
(then you'd have lots of time for yourself-ha)
So, go get a pedicure (so you look good for that brunch)-
So as not to insult the moms, you'll probably need a new outfit too.
Have fun.

Hi J.~
Does your mom live in the same town/area as you? Maybe she could join your husband's family as well. My husband and I never had a problem on Mother's or Father's Day. My mother lived near Fresno and his parents both live here in San Jose. We'd go to my mother-in-law's in the morning and I'd leave to go see my mother. I'd leave early enough to have a long visit with my mom and he'd spend the day with his mom and brothers and sisters. Christmas was always the same: My family had Christmas Eve and his celebrated Christmas Day. So, for those two days we traveled a couple of hours each way. Maybe you could spend Mother's Day with your mom and he could spend Mother's Day with his mom. I am so glad that we never had any disagreement. We both felt that it was important to be with our Mother's and it just worked out for us. My mother has since passed on; and I never missed being with her on Mother's Day. On Father's Day we always just went to see my father-in-law because my father was deceased.

I think on Mother's Day you should be able to do whatever you want!!!

I understand. I am struggling with something similar. My problem is that my mom passed away 10 years ago and my dad wants us to go to the cemetary and have a family dinner together, every year. I don't want to seem selfish, but I want mother's day to be about me, not my mom since she is gone now. I visit her grave on her birthday or do a cake or something. I'm afraid to do anything about it because it is such a touchy subject for my dad.
My advice for you is to maybe alternate years with or without extended family, or split the day up. Brunch or dinner with your husbands family, and the opposite at home. I think that is what I will do until I have the guts to keep the whole day for me. Then, all you can do is to make up your mind to enjoy the day no matter what happens. It isn't healthy to hold on resentment. Either change your feelings of resentment, or change Mother's Day to be what you want it to be. Either way it will be a gift to yourself. Best of Luck!

Hi J.,
Well, if your husband asked you what you wanted and you told him, then by gosh, I think that is what he should treat you to: a day with just him and the kids! If you guys usually always spend mother's day doing the brunch thing with the family, then this one time shouldn't be such a big deal for you to miss. I think your Mom-in-law and step and everyone else (at the brunch) will totally understand that you just wanted a quiet day with just husband and kids. I'll tell you something really crazy, this last Thanksgiving holiday my in-laws and my extended family were so particular and picky about how and where to spend the holiday that my husband and I made a decision to stay home with the kids and make our turkey dinner just for the four of us! It was such an amazing day, no traveling, no stress,just the four of us and it was awesome! Now, my in-laws and my parents were irritated at this decision at first, but then thought it was a nice way for the four of us to bond and now my sister and her husband want to stay at home, just the four of them, for next years Thanksgiving. There is too much pressure on us, (mothers and wives) to please everybody on the holidays. Mother's Day is about us, so I think it should be our choice what to do that day. After all, it's about spending time with the people who you love so dearly! God bless you this mother's day!! E.

Puhleeze! You ARE a Mother and it should be about YOU! If it is a family tradition on your husbands side then do it every OTHER year. As mother's we spend our life catering and pleasing others anyway, take this day and make it your own. There will be some who think you are being selfish, but I say - Good for you! I will say, however, that Mother's Day is just a day and you can designate any day you like as your Mother's Day.

Hi J.-
The hard thing for a husband to do is cut his purse strings. Literally. We spend alot of holidays with my parents just because they are more social. However, he was feeling that his family (and we) were getting the short end of the stick. Now, every holiday is scheduled. If we need to spend the day with one family, then let's say my family gets the top half of the day and his family the other. If it is to be just us celebrating without all the extras, then they can schedule a family bbq or something on another day and work around our shcedule. The fact is that you are now your own family unit and deserve to have your own time to celebrate you. Maybe send a nice card and gift to the other mother's, tell them you are thinking of them and wish them a happy mother's day. Better yet, rotate years. One year with his family, one with yours, one with just you. Or they can all come visit you and celebrate with you. This is for ALL holidays. You deserve to be celebrated just as much as anyone else. The same goes for father's day with your husband. The more he realizes that it is for both of you, the better it will be. Have your kids make the day really special for him and teach them to do the same for you... home made stuff is really special.
I don't think you are being petty. I think that you have to be fair to everyone (this is what to tell your husband) and that includes you. It doesn't mean you love anyone any less.
I hope this helps.
Good luck!

Since you're married to such a wonderful guy who's stuck between a rock and a hard place, do Mother's Day as planned. Remember, these people will not be around forever, so celebrate them while they are. In return, ask your husband to request of these two lovely ladies that they take your children for a weekend so that you and hubby can get away from being parents for a bit--it will relieve your stress. I'd suggest an inn--somewhere quiet and romantic. N. A.

Not an uncommon one....We are a family of 6 daughters all married all with children....ALL MOITHERS!!!! It always seems to revolve around my mom and all the husbands moms..strange....Anyways, the Girls got together and we are now going for the HUSBANDS and KIDS need to take us out to dinner (at least on my side- not cooking- no potlucking) So at least, us girls get that one-day of no-cooking. It's not easy, you do have to try and work it out though and then come to terms with, there are just a lot of us mother's out there, that One-day is not enough to celebrate!!! I am working on still not feeling somewhat not as special as it wouldbe if you could have that whole day to yourself. Maybe us Mothers need to get together and redefine what Mother's Day really means.:)

I think a lot of younger moms are in your boat. I spend Mothers' Day with my mother-in-law, her mother-in-law and her mother. Even the childless aunts get more love than me. On top of that my mom always complains that I am spending the day with them instead of her. She lives two states away. Am I to fly up there for the day? I really just want to spend the day with my boys doing something we all enjoy. But I figure one day it'll be my turn.

Yes you are being petty. It's hard sometimes to share holidays with in-laws and relatives, but the older mothers have been doing it a lot longer and when they are gone you won't have the reason to get together and believe me you will miss those times together. These are the perfect type of gatherings for your children to learn to listen to their elders stories and to learn to behave in a large setting that is a loving atmosphere. You are the only person that can decide if you are going to be happy or not, so set a good example for your children. Besides it sounds like you knew ahead of time about the usual Mother's Day brunch, why would you put your husband on the spot by asking him to do something so different. Your setting yourself up for disappointment, let him off the hook.

J.,
Why not have the get together at someone elses house? Make the suggestion that they rotate years, because as a mom you would like to relax and be the special mommy every few years or so. Cherish what time you have with them, my mom
died when she was 50, and I miss her, and so do my kids.
That was in 2001. I always knew she would find a way to make my moms day special also, since my husband usually would forget, or get something really off the wall.
W.

You have inlaws who love you. In laws you get along with each other. Extended family members who all *want* to get together and spend time with one another. Do you have ANY idea how lucky you are? Any idea at all? I would love to have that.

You think you're stressed now with your busy schedule just wait until you hurt everyone's feelings for not wanting to go to this Brunch. Do you want to hurt them and cause family strife over this?

You spend mother's day with your mother on a different day due to her schedule, why can't you do the same with your husband?

So yes, you are being petty and selfish. Stop looking at this tradition as a negative thing. It's a positive beautiful thing full of love. Don't do anything to jeopardize that. It's not worth it.

PS: Since you're a Mom too, have all the guys cook and clean up. Go with that angle when you talk to your husband and I'm sure he'll agree with you!

I agree with amny other posts that MD is just an arbitrarily-designated day for celebrating moms, that's now become over-hyped. Same with Valentine's Day. I never insist that my husband and I go out on VD b/c you can get the same dinner at a restaurant the night before or after for less (with better champagne!). BUT I insist that we have other, better romantic evenings out once-in-awhile. The same is true for MD. So, make sure you get a day that's ALL ABOUT YOU.
Having said that,it does seem that your husband and his family are being a little selfish by taking THE WHOLE DAY to celebrate Mother's Day. There are 24 hours in a day - can't you spend some with them and some with just your family? I'm concerned that just because your husband has been doing it all these years, he forgets that once he has his own family, things change. He needs to pay you just as much homage to you being a great mother as he does to his own. And, not to be morbid, but several of the posters assumed that his mother and step-mom would pre-decease you, so you should just wait your turn. I totally disagree - not only because your status as a mother shouldn't have to "wait" to be recognized, but also, you just never know - any of us could be hit by a truck tomorrow. Live for today! Ask for what you deserve! If you don't get it from anyone else, do it for yourself!

well personally i dont think it is selfish of you to want the day about you at all and the other mothers should reverse roles sometime, maybe still come to your house but they bring the food and cook and you relax with the family. also honestly if your husband is so wonderful I think him and the kids can find a way to still make your day a special one despite the other planned traditions. but i would want a lil something for me on my mothers day as well :)

Hi J.,
If your Mom's hospital/workplace is near by, make a surprise visit just to bring her a little something an say I love you.

Go to your husband's Mom/StepMom brunch -- (that's really something that they all get along.

Decide where you want your daughter to be when she is grown and has a husband and family of her own. Will you share with her husbands mother or be jealous if she isn't with you?

Let your husband and children make special plans JUST FOR YOU -- Sounds like he might be the kind of man that will do that anyway.

I think there might be a few wives and mothers out there that would like to be in your shoes.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hi J.-
I have been in your shoes for 10 years from the cooking for his family to the jealous mom. One year, my oldest was about 18 months and I begged for no fancy far away long meal... We had a fancy far away long meal... and when I ordered the dessert (the mothers special) my husbands sister actually said out loud "I just realized you are a mom too!" I could have died.
You realize your husband is in a tough situation, so my best advice is get over the day thing. It has taken me 10 years and I still have a problem on occasion but if you can do that you will be better off. Last year, my gift was I didn't have to go to LV with my husbands whole family for mothers day. I got to stay home and take care of the kids. Doesn't sound like a gift? It was! We celebrated on a different day. Perfect no. But, when my husbands parents pass away, I will know it was right. Plus, he isn't my kid.
Good luck.

Hi J..

I would wish my family a nice day and hop in the car with J. M !! :-0

I like the idea of doing a MD evening dinner. Maybe a simple but elegant bbq or an evening out (no dishes/cooking) after your dd's game.
Then MD is yours to spend as you wish, and as it should be.

S. B~

I agree with you, you are a mother too!!! If he wants to do a mother's day brunch, then let him as long as you are sitting alongside the other mothers.
If he isn't good in the kitchen, many places do take out...
As rude as it is that your in-laws don't include you as mother, you are stuck with not saying anything to them.
It is time for your husband to step up. Since this year is already planned, you could let the family know that next year you are planning something different...and it's a "surprise!"
If they protest and say that this is great as is...ignore them with a smile! And do your thing.
Good Luck!

Change the tradition!!! GO OUT for a mother's day brunch to celebrate all the mothers available in your family (your mom could take the day off too). Exchange gifts and cards or whatever over a nice relaxing mimosa. After brunch, go your separate way with your own family (husband and kiddo's) and do WHATEVER YOU WANT for the rest of the day. Seriously...with all you do the entire year, make your claim for your one day!
Have a good one!
K.

Mother's Day?????? What's a Mother's Day????? Oh yeah, it's the day that I THINK it's going to be about me, and my kids are going to gather flowers from the surrounding yards.....my husband is going to make me a beautiful breakfast for my kids to deliver to me......a beautiful homemade card full of love.....Oh yeah, I have boys :o)

Never happened....not yet anyway. My boys are 5 and 11 and 46 :o) I'm hoping that THIS is the year!!!!! Oh, by the way, I'll never stop dropping "hints" and buying things they could use to make me something.

Just "sort of" kidding!!!! We all go to church as a family, and my "boys" believe Mother's Day is over after that :o) But, they did REALLY good on my birthday this year, so we'll see what happens on Mother's Day :o)

Your not alone, J.! Your family will forever think YOU UNDERSTAND... They still love you, though!!!!

:o) N.

I'd say to my husband, "I'm going to meet you at the brunch after I've been to visit my mom at work." Now that you've bought yourself a couple of hours, use that time to be alone. On your way to the brunch, drop by mom's work with some flowers or a nice gift, get to the brunch fasionably late (remember don't volunteer to cook anything--If they ask, have your husband go to a store with a deli to pick it up on his way to help). After eating, I'm sure you can come up with a nice way to say, "The kids have decided to take me to a movie or (you pick a place) to celebrate mother's day." Since you'll have your car, you can leave when you want and leave your husband to help with the clean up.

Dear J. P.,With me it was always spending Christmas with my brother-in-law's family. I recognize the irritation. To make a long story short--after being married 40 some years and moving away from "the family festivities!" I still find myself the outsider. When I griped about my discomfort at attending another function, my not very sympathetic daughter, said something to this effect, "Mom, you've know these people half your life." In other words, get over it." On reflection this is true. I now try to be more gracious about the many invitations that come and enjoy the relationships that have developed. By now my own daughters have more than made up for it with wonderful Mother's Days adventures. Christmas is still crazy even though we don't spend them with in laws anymore. My advice. Keep looking for ways to change it if you're sure thats the problem OR develop your own traditions at other times. My real problem was that my own extended family was not geographically close enough to celebrate holidays. So when we got together we truly enjoyed the time. Todays blended families certainly put many of us in this situation. Many people do it beautifully but I bet if you dug a little they all have to work out some wrinkles. Mary Ann

Hi J....I absolutely feel your pain and I don't have helpful advice except that you are not alone. This year, I plan to invite my family to a brunch that my SIL plans. I believe that it's not fair for me to spend the day with my MIL just because she doesn't get to see her (only) grandkids everyday like my mom does (my mom babysits my 2 girls (5 & 17mos).
Anyway, again...I'm not helping, but I just want you to know I am there right next to you.

I understand! The proverbial rock & hard place. If you don't go, they will talk about you and you will be the troublemaker. If you do, it isn't what you want, and yet again, you have to deal with that. Is is possible to see if your mom can come to the brunch too? That question will make them think about the fact that you too have a mother. If his mother can get along with the ex's wife, I'm sure she'd be agreeable. They probably just think that since your mom typically works Sundays that you have no excuse for not being there. If you ask the other sisters-in-law what they think, just be careful in how you phrase your words, they can be taken wrong so quickly when there is the least bit of resistance to 'what we've always done'. WHen you do decide to bow out, what ever year that comes, ask your husband to tell the family that HE decided to take his wife & family out, not that YOU want to do something else, they may pressure him a little, but they'll respect that it is HIS decision. If he suggests it is your idea, they may resent you. Whatever you decide just have a good attitude about it, your kids & husband will be better off & if you have to change Sundays & your day isn't Mother's Day as the advertisers promote, then enjoy the fact that the restaurants won't be as busy!! Good luck to you!!! (I am a mother of 5 girls)

Honey, been there, done that. About 7 years ago, I had a total melt down. We went to Lake Tahoe for a "Mother's Day" Weekend. I spent the whole weekend chasing kids and paying homage to my MIL and running errands for everyone. By the time we left on Sunday to come home, I had not been able to sit down and had to repack my gifts from my kids into my luggage and take them home. I wasn't allowed the time to enjoy "my day" and relax with my kids. I was totally upset. Before we left, my MIL asked all of us if we wanted to do this again next year, and my hubby and his brother and everyone looked at me because I had already had a minor melt down earlier, and I said, "No." I am a mom too and don't want to work that hard on my day. Period. So, the real melt down happened when we got home and I just walked into the house and left everyone outside. I went in, sat down, and proceeded to ignore everyone, except my kids, for the rest of the night. When I get quiet, they know I am mad. Well, I have since made it a point to state that if they want to do somehting other than letting me sleep and do what I want to do on Mother's Day, then they do it themselves. I won't cook, I won't clean, I don't do anything. They can deal. I had someone tell me that was petty and selfish but I don't think so. I spend the rest of the year catering to everyone else so I deserve my day. If my MIL wants to come for Brunch, my husband cooks.

Maybe you should go with your kids and do what you want or just go on your own. It might take once for everyone to realize you mean business. It was hard for me to not be helpful but I did it and now things are better. You could tell you hubby that if he wants to be with his mom and family fine, you'll go out with your kids and have fun. I know a man who told his wife that she wasn't his mom so why should he do anything for her...so now she does things for herself and the kids.

I feel for you. It is hard but we pamper them on Father's Day so why can't they return the favor?

Hey wait a minute, you're a mother too, you deserved being celebrated. You may do something for your own mother and mother in law, but I think you should come first. Children,men and single women are the ones who should dedicate themselves for celebrating mothers on this very day.
As soon as I became mother myself my relationship to my own parents shifted, because now I have the family I'm coming from and the family I've created with my partner. It is a lot of love and a lot of responsibilities. And I had to experience what it can mean in a very hard way, but it made it very clear where is the priority. I live here, where my son was born almost 3 years ago. My mother had a stroke in France where she lived with my father just before the birth of my son. My priority was giving birth to my son and taking care of him, although I longed to be with my mother. Of course I have visited my parents since then, but without my son I would have spent much more time with them. When my mother passed a way not so long ago, I left for the funerals, but I had to come back soon, because here is the family that needs me now.
I'm telling you all this, because I think your husband and the rest of your family is mixing up their priorities.
Maybe your husband can celebrate all the mothers in his life on different days, or different weekends; sometimes we need to be creative to make every one happy! As a child of your own mother you can celebrate her and as a mother you need to be celebrated as well.
Good luck and happy Mother's Day in advance!

I understand your feelings. Lucky you that your mom is still around! I suggest that you not do any of the preparation but be pampered for the day just like your husband's mom and stepmom. You should be one of the honorees, not a cook! All the moms in the celebration should be honored and made a fuss over. Invite your mom too, hopefully she can make it. You could make it an early dinner if it means your mom could come to that. I think that would be a fair compromise and nobody could/should/better complain!!! Also, I also think you should plan another outing just for your immediate family on another day - a second celebration! I love being with my family so any time we can be together is a celebration for me - my boys are 19 and 21 years old. A nice thing my guys do for me . . . whenever we go to SF I always get a corsage or flowers. A small token, but oh so appreciated, so on your second celebration, let your hubby know you would like a corsage to wear for the day. I don't think any man would mind getting that message. It's just that sometimes they don't think about it, so a suggestion (a sweet one) would probably be welcome.
Enjoy your day(s)of Mother's Day celebrations and give an extra hug to your mom for me!

J.,
Not that this is an answer to your problem. But what i've always done to get out of spending the whole day with my inlaws is... We go to breakfast @ El Torito brunch and then we go about our own way. That way we don't waste our whole day and we satisfy the "family" thing. Then we go about our day with what I want to do. We usually go across the street to Arden Fair and buy me something special. But Old Sac isn't that far away. And by the way I don't think your being petty at all. I often think about when i'm older and my son has a wife and children. And how I want things / life to be different for his family rather than the struggles that I had to go through with my in-laws. I will respect his wife and her wishes. Does that make sense?

M.

You are a mom too. You should not have to cook and entertain his family every year. I suggest doing a dinner with his family on Saturday night after your daughters game. Sunday is your day with husband and kids. If your husband explains to his family nicely that he wants to spend the day with just his immediate family. They will understand. If not too bad. They will get over it. Good luck. And happy mother's day :) Your husband is very sweet it sounds like he does not want to hurt anyones feeling. But if you do not cut this family tradition off now it is going to keep going on and on.

I know exactly how you feel! We live very close to my husband's family and about an hour away from mine. The scenario you described is very similar to what happens to us every holiday. We alternate holidays with each family, which has worked out pretty well, but it doesn't leave any open times for our immediate family. I told my husband that this mother's day I wanted to do OUR family thing first this year and then we can get together with the rest of the family later in the day. I know this may not work every year because our family is so big, but I don't think that letting me have the attention for half a day every other year is too much to ask. Good luck!

I feel your pain! After three years of "sharing" ourselves with our parents and the rest of the in-laws, my husband and I are finally enjoying holidays as a "family"--me, him and our 5-year-old son. It does hurt everyone's feelings at times, but we are a family unit and need to spend special days as such, and sometimes that means we are on our own. We let everyone know our plans, and sometimes his parents or my parents may join us on Christmas Eve or Thanksgiving, etc. That is fine with us since we don't want to subject our son to be pulled in all directions and turn our special holidays into stressful events. It is definitely hard, but you have to "stick to your guns" in order to save you and your family's sanity!! As our son gets older, we may go back to doing things with all of the families, but for now, this works for us. We also plan ahead to spend times with our parents and in-laws around the holidays if we will not be with them. Good Luck!!

Knock off the pity-party. You are not your husband's mother. Let your husband honor his mother and step-mother that day. YOU honor YOUR mother---if she's working and you do it a different day, o.k. If you do it on Mother's Day and it means that you do something with your mother and your husband does something with his mother, that's o.k.
Start early having YOUR children honor YOU on Mother's Day. Often a 6 year old plan can be the best and most memorable in the world!!!!!!!!!! Their home-made gifts and/or the breakfast they fix or the activity they plan can be a delight. Don't put a lot of your expectations on your children about what they should do for you---------let THEM plan and carry out the plan. And no nagging and no "poor little me" if their plans don't meet your expectations.
Try living in a spirit of thankfulness for all your have!! It'll take a while, but eventually, you'll realize that you've been complaining about the wrong stuff!!!!!!!!!

HI J.,
I TOTALLY relate. You didn't mention how you get along with your Step-Mother and Mother-in law... I am in the same boat in a lot of ways and I find it to be very frustrating. Luckily, my husband, and it sounds like yours too, is supportive. However he still feels obligated to spend the time with his family. My frustration was mostly around us doing all of the traveling with two little kids and taking up the whole day in doing so. Or they might come to our house where we did all the cooking,cleaning etc...while they visit with each other (whom they see all the time ) and totally ignore our kids)... and they would stay for 2 hours. BUT they also drive me crazy for lots of other reasons...

Anyway, I would suggest that you compromise to do it "their way" one year and yours the next. I assume that you see them all again for Father's Day in June like we do. Hopefully they will understand that as busy as life gets you need to have some boundaries for yourself and you Mom too. Or maybe on the years that you have your own day to yourself for Mother's day you can travel on another weekend to someone else's house and let them do all the work to celebrate with his family.

Good luck!!

Can you and your husband compromise? Maybe you can go to the brunch for a true brunch and not an all ay affair. It should be up to your husband to tell them that you want to spend time together celebrating the occasion with your own little clan for a few hours. Yea, it might be hard for him but sometimes we have to do hard things, right? Good luck!
L.

p.s. Please, please tell me that YOU are not the one preparing the big feast for the entire family?

Here's my take on Mother's Day:
Totally Hallmark... why let commercialism dictate when and how your comittment to the future of our society is celebrated. Just like Valentine's Day all the venues are super-crowded, service is terrible and everyone acts like they're in a pressure cooker. Having something at a relative's house is easier and more relaxed... especially if you just show up and leave when you like!
Tell hubby to make certain you feel celebrated in the morning with cards and maybe even gifts from he and the kids... breakfast planned, prepared, served, and cleaned up by him would be a fantastic touch as well. Before you venture to your BroInLaw's it should be all about you (no work on your part to prepare for the trip). Arrange for a spa day for yourself sometime in the near future... even if it's just going to Starbuck's and then getting a pedicure while you enjoy your coffee/tea/cookie. Dad can watch the kids.
Make sure you plan something special for DaDa on Father's Day in advance so no competing activities are scheduled then. Celebrate him the way you'd like to be celebrated so he knows what you'd like next year. Ask what he'd like and do that as well... it will be more work this year but will let him know your top priority is His Day.

Mother's Day is about all mothers, so I'm not sure why only your husband's moms get the special treatment. I would say that you all should do something together to celebrate all the mom's in your family. If that's not possible, your husband should recognize that you are the mother of his children and you deserve special treatment as well. If that means that you guys don't attend the brunch every year, then that shouldn't be a problem, and everyone in your family should understand. It's sounds very one sided, and I don't think you are being petty at all.

Hi J.,

I had the same problem. a few years ago I was the one that took care of the kids and cooked dinner for my husbands mother. we had everyone over, which meant that I had to clean all day saturday (without help) cook dinner and clean it all up. One year I got no thank you's and said that is enough. I told my husband that if he wanted to spend time on mother;s day with his mother he could take the kids and go see her. I was staying home and taking a bath, reading a book, or doing whatever I pleased. I deserve a day off from dealing with everyone.
He only did it for one year and now he calls his mom on mother's day and we have a nice family day together.

good luck

H.

a little about me: I have 4 girls. Ages 9, 7, 5, and 3.

Hi, J..

Well, It's Mother's Day so I am having a bit of trouble with your sentence "usually we spend Mother's Day cooking brunch"... since it's Mother's Day, it should be your husband and any other available man cooking brunch for you too. I see nothing wrong with in the afternoon going to Old Sac or whatever YOU want to do. What happens on Father's Day? I feel you should stand up and be heard... Mother's Day is YOUR day and you should be treated like a queen!

I do not think that you are being petty - maybe you could rotate years - this year do something just with you guys, next year do the brunch? Are any of the other brothers married with children?, or do they just have their own mother(s) in their life? I think that it is important to honor you on mothers day, as well as your mother, and his mother(s). Maybe on the years that you don't make the brunch you can send them each a nice bouquet of flowers or something? I don't know, my husband is quite the opposite, I am the one who would want to have my Mom and His Mom over for lunch or dinner, and he says "No - YOU are a Mom too and it is your day" - ultimately he leaves it up to me and sometimes we have our Moms over for dinner, (or whatever), and sometimes we do our own thing! Good Luck - I think that you really need to sit down and talk with your husband about this. Another suggestion is -they could do the little brunch thing on a saturday, then all of the Moms would have Mother's Day to do as they wish, you guys would still be honoring your mothers for the holiday, and maybe your own mother could be invited to the event, if she doesn't have to work on Saturdays? Anyways, I don't think that you should feel guilty for wanting a day with just you and your family! Hope that you have a wonderful Mother's Day, you deserve it!

J.,

You are not being petty. You have the right to spend Mother's Day however you want!!!Be strong and tell your husband what you want.

Molly