I have a three year old daughter who is raised primarily by me, her single mother. Her father is very strict and I am way too easy on her, which leaves her the opportunity to not respect my authority. I have gotten a lot more consistent and have definitely become more authoritative, but after three years, I am afraid it might be too late to change her behavior or lack of respect for my authority. I love her so much, but I grew up in a very violent home and do not ever want to cross the line of being abusive in any manner. I use time-outs and limit her activities as negative reinforcements when she does not listen or behave, but she still is manipulative and tries to get the best of me. She is so smart and very clever, but I do believe things need to change so it does not get out of control.
I have taken a lot of the many suggestions to heart and have found them to be very helpful and useful in reducing my anxiety regarding my mothering skills. I am more consistent and have realized that this is what really needed to change. I needed to lighten up on myself in seeing that discipline is for her good, not to cause her pain or discomfort if done appropriately. I have been taking some advice from parenting classes offered by my preschool program she is enrolled in and have applied many skills that you have also provided me. I do not feel alone anymore and your continuous encouragement makes me feel like I am doing a fine job and that when it comes from the basis of "love" with her personal growth and future success as the goal, I really do not have anything to worry about. I did talk to her father and asked that he back off a bit from the strictness because she has no freedom with her whatsoever, so when she comes home to me, she lets loose of all the pent up energy and desire to go against me for a release. He needs to understand that she is a young toddler that needs to explore her environment safely and allowed the autonomy to learn from her environment of what is appropriate and what is not. How will she learn to respect other people's stuff when she never gets the chance to see it or taught properly how to use it. She gets stimulation at my house, maybe too much, but at his house it is total stagnation, nothing, no tv, computer,no touching anything except the toys I buy for her so she does not go out of her mind while he sits and plays his stupid video games that are violent, while she is left idle for hours on end. She has the internet with me, TV with complete cable, I spend at least 6 hours every evening of quality time playing board games or other activities with her. He does not want to clean up a mess so he avoids any activity that might make a mess, I am always cleaning up, but at least she is having fun. Thank you all again for your support.
Hi J.,
It's absolutely not too late. She's only three. But the longer you let it go, the harder it will be to change.
P. B.
It sounds to me like you are taking steps in the right direction. You can be a strict parent without being abusive and still let her have a good time being a 3 yr old. You seem to be aware about where that line is and how not to cross it. Because you have been the more easy going parent - it will take time for her to adjust to this new role.
All I can say is be consistent and be in control.
And good job. :)
Check out the ideas from "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood" by Fay and Fay and Dr Latham's "The Power of Positive Parenting" - both books have been lifesavers for me, hopefully they help you. Your library probably has both books.
From a mom of five daughters all of whom are wonderful moms themselves, contributing citizens to their communities, and happy people:
Be consistent after being mindful of what you want the result to be
Be liberal with hugs and praise whenever it's appropriate and always at bedtime (but not for every little move or word)
Give her specific "chores" to do or help with suitable for her age and make those hers (let her know you depend on her to help with those assignments)
Be conscious of all your words, deeds, and thoughts as much as you can be--review the day after she goes to bed to catch any spots that you don't want to repeat
Detach from her behavior with love so you can do the right thing (Pretend that she is someone else's child for the moment so you'll get it right)
Remember what a loving and wonderful mom you are and pat yourself on the back each night for the good job you are doing
Be consistent, be consistent, be consistent but keep rules to a minimum and realize that some of what's going on could be just being three....
I agree that it's never too late. This board might help: http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?board=... It's not just for Christians, but it's a whole different way of looking at parenting. Also, the book "Playful Parenting".
Use positive reinforcements and constantly rederect her attention to appropriate activities. The most important thing here is that you love and respect her and she will intern love and respect you. Trust is a huge part of this too... She needs to trust in you, and vice versa, that you are going to be there for her and not cut her down. She IS a loving little girl! Her time with you is most likely the time where she gets to be herself because with her father she is under his strict idea of what she should be like. Try asking her what she wants to do, pretending she could be anyone and have anything and see who she really is striving to become. You feel like its manipulative behavior but it is all for a reason. There is some sort of frustration she feels with not being able to do exactly what she wants... Understandibly so too... We all feel that way. I think just give it a shot and it is never too late to turn things around... not even when shes 60. Cut her a little slack and when you get frustrated stop and think about whats really going on at that moment. That seems to help me. I find that at times I feel the need to control every action when, when I stop and look at it... It really doesnt matter. More times than not, what shes doing isnt really hurting anyone or anything and is making her happy. Dont control, Guide. Permissive isnt bad.
Wow... hope that wasnt preachy, and that it helped. I think you are doing a great job and that your concern for your daughters best intrest shows this. It also shows that your daughter wont grow up in the same invironment that you did because you are so aware and so wanting to do the right thing. She knows that too.
Take care and good luck, you dont need it though
Hi J.,
It sounds to me like you are already doing the right things -- you just need to be more consistent with it. Nothing you are doing sounds at all abusive to me, and your daughter is certainly going to test you, but it is most definitely not too late. As a mom of 6, soon to be 7, I can tell you that all kids jump on those inconsistent moments, and test, because they need boundaries. The more consistent you can be, the more balanced your children will be. I have found that I just need to get over the idea of being the "bad guy" and try not to care too much if they don't like me temporarily, because the fact is, they're really just reacting to the situation of being denied what they want, and an hour later, they love me again, and respect my authority more. And if you ever feel like you're crossing the line, as you say, just give yourself a time out before disciplining her. I need to do this occasionally, and it really helps. It also teaches them that even Mommy gets mad, but that there's healthy ways to deal with that. Good luck. Keep up the good work!
"Three year olds are basically two year olds with a brain." Someone told me that when my Charming, Sweet, Darling, Happy two year old turned three...and became a Changeling: Rude, Mean, Mouthy, Defiant, but then happy & charming again.
It's a Phase...and I agree with your decision to be consistent, that is VERY important. Be loving, consistent, and you won't have to worry about crossing the line with abusive behavior. We don't hit in our house, and we don't use time-outs - except for me. "Mommy needs a time-out" is an important phrase here, it indicates that I've had enough, and need to get out of the situation before I do something I don't want to do. (Yell, Hit, threaten, belittle...)
The book "Kids are worth it" by Barbara Colorosso is VERY good for discipline concepts and ideas - and has helped me a great deal with my spirited now-6 yr old daughter. :)
Good Luck!
You are doing the right thing by changing your own behavior toward your daughter now. Three years old is still a very maleable age. Please don't wait until she's 9, 11, 13 ---- if you do, you will indeed have a big problem.
Everyone else is probably saying the same thing ---- consistency is the key. That is what kids need because it gives them a framework to understand the world. Of course they will test or even push a bit at the boundaries --- that's their job. They are figuring out when boundaries can move. But as parents, we need to stand firm most of the time (although if it's 100% then we have become dictators).
One trick we use is that if we say 'no' to something, the kids basically have one chance to change our minds. We realize we are not perfect or may not always have all the information, so if the kids can tell us something new about why they should get to do whatever, then maybe we will decide it's ok. But once we've said 'no' twice, then that's basically it. Whining, wheedling, pleading, complaining are all out.
Our latest change is to ban sentences that start with "Why can't...". For example, DS says, "Can I play on the computer?" I say "No, you've had enough screen time this afternoon." DS responds, "Why can't I?" Well, I've already told him why. Now he's just annoying me and pushing the boundary. The answer is no. OK, so he's mad at me. Oh well. I don't like that he's mad at me. But oh well.
BTW, I was a single mom for 7 years with my oldest. We used to eat pizza and McDonald's all the time because I couldn't deal with the pressure of cooking. Now we don't; we eat dinner at home (not fancy, mind you!) around the table as a family with my husband and other kids, and we even have certain routines about what we talk about. It's ok to change how you do things. Kids appreciate consistency. My oldest always participates in the routine now. I think routines and consistency help kids feel secure.
Just remembered: the book "How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" (by Faber & Mazlish) is excellent. It will help you find methods to be consistent without feeling like you're nagging. This book has helped not only us but other families we know.
There is a wonderful book by a woman named Ginger Plowman called Don't make Me Count to Three.
There are lots of great techniques and I am sure you'll get good advice here. I just wanted to also say that a smart child will be good at pushing your buttons from an early age, and I believe (hope?) that doesn't mean that things will necessarily get out of control. It is just the beginning of that long, complicated and wonderful struggle that is the parent-child relationship (and will go on forever).
Hi J.,
It's definitely hard to find a balance in disciplining, but I don't think that it's too late for your daughter at all. She's only 3 years old. She has to learn to respect you and your authority, but I think kids will try to challenge that until they're grown up. If we're too permissive with our kids they turn out to be spoiled, ungrateful, demanding adults. So keep doing what you're doing, be consistent. If you're firm yet loving you won't cross any lines and even though she'll test her limits and try to manipulate (they all do it), she'll know that you love her and that you've set consistent boundaries for her - this is what kids really want and need and it helps them to grow up with a sense of security and self esteem. I've found that a rewards system works well with my kids. They each have a chart with different things they need to accomplish, such as getting dressed, picking up their toys, getting no time outs, etc (whatever each child needs to work on). Each day that they do those things they get a sticker on their chart. When the chart is full, they can go to the store and pick out a small toy. They get very proud of themselves when they earn a sticker. Plus, when we give them time outs or take away a privilege, it hopefully will teach them that there are consequences for negative behavior - and that is important. But the reward system accentuates the positive and most of us respond well to positive reinforcement. There are so many different ways to do a reward system, you could probably do a google search for other ideas. I wish you all the best. Keep up the hard work.
Jen
Hi there,
Just remember that all children want rules and expectations. That is how they learn in the world. You do not need to be mean to provide discipline and expectations. Praise her for all the good things she does that you like, and praise her often. Remember it is okay to say no, because you are the adult and you know better. You do not need to negotiate with a three year old. Enjoy her and have fun, but make the rules clear and constantly tell her how you expect her to behave. Praise her for what she does, such as "I like how you sat in your seat at the restaurant or... I like it when you use your nice voice...." When you pick out all the good things she does (and I bet there are thousands and thousands of them) she will want to do more. Give yourself a break, everyone has a bad day and don't be ashamed to tell her that.
I am a SAHM of 2. It is not always easy, but they are worth it.
Hi J.,
First let me say it's not too late. I believe in positive reinforcement. Prasing her for the good things she does, really make a huge deal out of it. As far as the things she does that she isn't suppose to do I would definately be consistent but not make such a big deal out of it. Let her know what she is doing is not ok and if she does it again what will happen and if she does it again do what you said you would do. I believe she will continue to test you to see if you will follow through but don't give up she will eventually see that you will do what you say you will do and the "bad" behavior will subside.
Hi J., it does sound like you have your hands full! I am turning 40 this year but my daughter is 14 already. Still a lot of work but in a much different way! Luckily my daughter was easy going and didn't push limits but I have worked with children and parents through speech therapy and I have observed that the lenient parents who don't follow through on their "threats" have children that don't end up believing anything they say. I respect that you came from a difficult upbringing yourself, but I feel it's true that you'll be doing your daughter more favors by setting firm limits and following through with what you say. Try not to say things you don't really mean, like that she won't go to the birthday party when you know full well you would never take that away from her. But if you say no toy at the store, follow through and she'll always know you back up what you say. I think that will foster respect for you. You certainly don't have to threaten violence, just taking away things she likes, or an earlier bedtime, etc. I have also learned that the consequence should be immediate, not something that would happen much later or the next day. The biggest thing I have learned by watching parents over the years is that kids test us because they want us to guide them and set limits to show that we care. Giving in to everything she wants now is teaching her to be demanding and less respectful of you. You obviously love your daughter a great deal and want what's best for her. The best thing is your quality time and your clear direction. She'll be better for it in the end. It's hard to say no sometimes, but they get over it and learn to respect you. I always reciprocate the respect as well with my daughter. I respect her talents, her look, her space, her dreams etc. and it's a wonderful thing to see who they eventually become! My best to you! J. B
Hi Jodi,
studies show that what matters is not so much how permissive you are as how consistent you are. so long as the rules don't really change much, that is the main thing - that stability is what she needs to feel secure. however, it's her job to find out how stable and firm the rules really are... if i ask 5 times will the rule change? what about 10 times? 20 times? so understand that she's just doing her job with that, making sure her world is truly stable. if it is, she'll ultimately be much happier and more stable herself. it sounds like you're doing a great job staying calm with her. there are a lot of tricks to help toddlers listen more, too, but i don't know a good book to list them. for example, toddlers (and humans in general) don't hear negative words as well as positive words. so rather than saying "don't climb up on the table" it is better to say "keep your feet on the floor"; rather than saying "stop shouting" it is better to say "clap your hands if you want to make noise!" (she won't hear the word's "don't" or "stop" very well, see what i mean?)
also, you can frame things in terms of her making choices - for example: if you ask her twice to come into the bedroom and she ignores you, you say "I guess you need me to help you come into the bedroom" and make like you're going to physically move her/carry her into the room. If she resists, you say "oh, did you want to walk in by yourself? Ok, you can walk in by yourself." if she still doesn't go, you say "well, you're telling me that you need some help, so i'll help you" and then just do it. don't give her another chance to stall.
anyway, those are just a few tips i learned working with toddlers in child care centers. i hope it helps! good luck!
Hi J. - I think it is great, that despite growing up in an abusive home (that understandably led to your being more permissive with your own child) you are able to see that your daughter needs clearer limits and boundaries!
My first recommendation would be to find a discipline "program" that works for you. There are good books and discipline philosophies out there. Having to think on your feet when you are having a challenging moment with your child, can be exhausting and can often lead to being inconsistent. I know this from experience!!! My daughter is 6 and also very clever, spirited and sensitive. She has gone through a few intense phases of testing out the boundaries and was ultimately desperately looking for clear limits/boundaries. Children feel safer and more protected when these things are in place. I found, 1-2-3 MAGIC by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph. D. to be very effective! You can find it easily online. The basic idea in this book is to take the talking and emotion out of discipline. Dr. Phelan believes (and I agree) that engaging in power struggles, debates etc. with our children, make us more likely to do and say things that we regret. The discipline techniques are very well mapped out in this book, making them easier to use with your own child. I definitely recommend this book.
My other suggestion would be (and I did this with my own child with great results) to find a good play therapist for your daughter. I say this hoping that you don't view therapy as something reserved for really "messed-up" kids-I certainly do not! It was great for both my daughter and I to have the advice and support of a compassionate and knowledgeable professional during some of my daughter's more challenging phases. I was also a single mother for a few years and it was great to have another adult who got to know my daughter well that I could get advice from and bounce ideas off of.
The best of luck to you! Don't give up. My daughter went through a phase of being very disrespectful and I thought it would never change - but it did (with the help of the things that I mentioned above).
Watch Supernanny! I know it sounds corny but I actually get good ideas from her :) I'm sure it's not too late to change her behavior. My son is two and I use time outs and a firm deep voice with him. I never yell or hit but I am very firm and try to be consistent. It is hard to be consistent since there are so many grey areas of behavior but I do my best. My son definitely is testing my husband and I but overall is a good kid and, knock on wood, our discipline seems to be working. And I also don't care about disciplining in public. If he cries and make a scene, oh well. I know it's hard to see your kid cry when they aren't happy but in the long run you'll both be happier so just keep that in mind. And good for you for being so aware of your past and not wanting to make the same mistakes that your family made with you. Good luck! If you ever want to chat feel free to get in touch :)
~R.
