At a Lost in How to Help My Son....

Please get the book Easy to love, hard to discipline. Also, get caring discipline.

You need to stop talking, and do more action.

You say you continually have discussions. One thing you need to do is stop having discussions with him. Tell him the rules and consequences and keep it short and sweet.

You are expecting to reason with him, and that won't happen. I would keep your discussions about his behavior to about three sentences.

I recall someone who posted a question about her son once, and posted a link to a video of her trying to talk to him. He looked about your son's age. She put him sitting up on a table, and crouched down to his level, and her tone was sweet, but she wouldn't stop talking at him. She went on, and on, and on, trying to reason with him. He was freaking out and it was really apparent that she just needed to stop talking to him.

Anyway, point is, keep discussions brief. And then when he's calm, spend some positive one on one time with him, just playing and loving.'

And some battles aren't worth fighting. Why don't you turn off the tv and clean his mess? He's only six, and for the two minutes it would take you to do it, you could avoid hours of conflict and misery.

You said he was doing well... until... did anything happen in his life to make him start misbehaving at school and home?? You mentioned in a January post that your brother was moving in in April. Did that happen or did it not happen?? Or has something else happened to cause him to act out? It sounds like you are addressing his diet. What about his sleep patterns and his eating patterns- have there been any changes there? Ask if there is a school psychologist that you can meet with until you get your medical insurance straightened out. (why is that taking so long?). My other suggestion would be to read the book "Love and Logic" and apply some of those ideas to dealing with your son. Good luck!

Write a letter to your principal asking for your son to be evaluated. It's covered by the school district and will include his teachers, school psychologist, everyone. It takes a little time so start the process as quickly as you can.

Here's my opinion. His teacher is the one who should be managing him at school. If SHE CAN'T manage him the school system should have the school psychologist come in and observe him.

This person will have the credentials to make a referral. He has had some upheavals in his life recently and he's acting out. He needs meds to help him through this. Not saying he's ADHD or anything else. Just saying that when we go through stressful situations we can get depressed, angry, upset, and all sorts of emotions we can't handle. Sometimes an anti-depressant or some other anxiety med can help.

If you have a pediatrician he can see go ask them for their temporary help until you can get kiddo seen by a psychiatrist for a med check.

I hope you'll tell his teacher to please do her job and work this out at school. You should only get a call to let you know he's having trouble. They should be handling it.

By bringing this home you're robbing the teacher of her authority. He doesn't associate this punishment at home to how he acts at school, that's why it isn't working.

He needs instant consequences at school not to wait hours and hours until he goes home and sees you. Not even the child care worker should talk to him, only the teacher who has authority over him at the time of the incident.

Talk with the school psychologist! Even though my child was in therapy outside of school, the school psychologist help him tremendously with school issues (figuring out systems where he and the teacher know where he is on a scale before 'losing it', creating positive rewards, etc.). Also, like a PP said, a lot of the evaluations can be done through the school. Of course, some schools are better than others. In Phoenix, the told me nothing was wrong with my son (only needed speech). It wasn't until we moved to IA that he was diagnosed with sensory issues and auditory processing. You need to be your childs advocate....and start through the schools. Ask everyone and anyone if they know of any additional help you may receive (for free) until your medical is transferred.

Unfortunately, we are at the end of the school year so asking for an evaluation through the school district won't happen, at least until next year. However, even if you do get your Medi-Cal issues worked out prior, I would ask the school to evaluate him. You have to put the request in writing and it MUST be dated. You need to say that you are requesting that your child be evaluated for learning disabilities and emotional disturbance. Those are the key words. The school district has a limited amount of time to do the evaluation - like 30 or 60 days or something like that. That will be done free.

Also, contact North Bay Regional Center and ask them to evaluate your son. I don't know if they do it for free but it doesn't hurt to contact them and ask.

Finally, all St. Helena Behavioral Health Center in Vallejo and see if you can get your son into their facility. They deal with children's behavioral issues. My GD was there for about 2 weeks a few years ago for attempting suicide at school. They are great and their intervention really helped.

Good luck!

First of all you are his parent not his friend. You can't always be nice to him, it's your job to make sure he behaves. As a parent you sometimes need to come down hard on kids until he understand you are in charge and he has to follow the rules.
Second, call your social worker. I believe Medi-Cal will pay 3 months back. So even if your not receiving benefits right now they pay for it once you do recieve benefits.

Talk to your teachers and school counselors. They should be able to assist you in the meantime and give you some advice. I'm sure they've dealt with your situation before. Put them to work!

Jim Fay has a good book called Love and Logic that is a great help to many. He believes in giving children choices, both of which you can be happy with. Definetly boundaries and consiquences. It's tough, but if you stay calm, firm and consistant it works with most children.

My first answer was deleted forgive if this is sort of abrupt.

Boys used to be shipped off to train to become Spartans or Knights in ancient and medieval times at age 7. Boys are extremely tough. As they should be. The human race would not have survived otherwise. My own 6 year-old son has all the tendencies you list. His wrongful behavior escalates in proportion to my effectiveness at discipline. When I am on my game, he is acting well. When life takes over and I slack, he gets worse. Normal.

He has never been allowed to disrespect me or yell in my face as of age 2. That would have been a quick swat on the butt at that age after a warning and it did not continue. Now he is 6 and recently started public school after homeschooling. He's got new rough influences. He's got normal testosterone. He's bigger and stronger with stronger emotions and the need to exert himself. He's always been very spirited. All normal. I have been calm and effective in the past so he rarely needs discipline. He's sweet and has great behavior in school. But a few weeks ago, for the first time in over a year, I needed to discipline him.

He was not listening, he was talking back, he was being a little mean to his sisters. He was reprimanded for running wild and kicking others in school. My heart felt lectures were falling on deaf ears and this was going on for a few weeks. One day we went to leave the gym and when I asked him to put on his shoes he yelled "I don't WANT to mom." in a very snotty tone. This was MY fault for letting things go for a while. I repeated my request and he KICKED A TOY??!!! and laid down on the floor and refused to come. I could not react in public so I gave him "the look" and told him I'd see him in the car immediately. My daughters were hustling and knew he was in trouble. He hurried to car. I remained quiet. He apologized the whole way home. I was SO TEMPTED to give him ONE MORE "Ok, but NEXT TIME there will be consequences if you talk back and defy me, we were running late and I really meant what I said blah blah yada yada..." but you know what? Slacking is what got us to that place.

When we got home I calmly and non-angrily gave him 6 hard stings to the butt (over jeans and one for each year of age) and let him cry and cool off. AGAIN, I was so consistent in the past with boundaries, he hasn't been spanked for AGES and I could probably count on one hand the times he has. I then sat with him and talked through the behavior that made it necessary for me to discipline him since my words had done nothing. HE apologized. Not me. We hugged and snuggled and exchanged I love you's and ate dinner and did bed time stories. The next morning, it was like a big weight was off of his shoulders. He was sweet again, and nicer to his sisters. He's been getting purple behavior marks in school (highest) instead of green (just OK). His behavior is back on track at home.

Because he got spanked? In our case yes within the broader context of his bigger loving and happy landscape where that is almost never necessary. Is it a miracle cure for all kids? No. It could make it worse for kids who will push back due to years of having control over parents, or years of excessive discipline so they are hardened to it..But you DO NEED a brick wall for your son to hit when he is being terrible. Whatever the brick wall is for you. But "punishments" that he can refuse to follow and act worse instead are NOT a brick wall. If he does not have that boundary, and you do not have that control, his frustration at lack of boundaries will cause normal rageful and terrible behavior. Not ALL kids are like this. My oldest daughter has never needed to be spanked. She's reasonable and gentle and cares about privileges that may be taken away. 6 yo boy? Not so much! I don't want to remove his experiences (grounding), and removal of luxuries isn't serious, and he's an "in the moment, tough, physical kid." who HATES to be spanked. He's not quite old enough to reason with all the time. Most of the time, but not all the time.

Kids do not like to act badly and get away with it. They do not respect you when you reduce yourself to screaming, but never take firm action. Your son's behavior sounds normal to me based on boys I know who have moms doing what you share in this post. If you get him evaluated, you will be encouraged not to discipline and he will get worse, and his diagnosis will be self-fulfilling. He may or may not have a disorder. I would try increasing discipline for several months before checking medical stuff. He's a male and you said your self you are always nice to him and have never so much as pulled his arm to guide him and he screams that you're hurting him. this is not OK.

Never apologize for discipline. Screaming isn't discipline, but still even apologizing right int hat moment shifts blame from his behavior to you. It's a mixed message. He's learning he is in charge of you. Be nice later, not at that time.

The book Back to Basics Discipline is great even if you are against spanking.

Food has little or nothing to do with behavior unless he's got a severe reaction to something he's eating. The disciplined kids I know are nice and the ones without enough discipline aren't and often the more lenient parents are the ones into health food. My son eats very healthfully but he would still act badly without very firm boundaries. That's normal.

You don't need to get angry. You just need to act effectively and consistently until he understands what your limits are. At his age, it will be a battle, he's very far along at this behavior. Some say it's too late after 5, but I don't believe it if you really get control.

PADDLE HIS BUTT at the first disobedience...Being perfectly calm while you do it, and tell him it hurts you to have to do it and you hate that he has put you in the position to have to do it. Then you don't have to yell. You need to change your actions to get him to change his. He does not respect your authority. Yelling doesn't carry any authority...it actually makes them disrespect you more. Most parents start out really lienient and passive...and then as the kid gets worse and worse as they get older they try to pull in the reins. Doesn't work at all. From the very start, lay down the rules and expectations and the consequences when it is broken and stick to it every time. Then as they get older, you can ease up a bit....because they have grown to respect you, you wont have all hell breaking loose in the teen years. Set up respect now to save heartache down the road. Time outs are extremely popular because some phsyco babble BS author of some book said they work. And it went viral. They do not work.

Keeping junk foods away helps a great deal - stay with that. That's good!
Hang in there, being a parent is tough, but you can do it, above all, you deserve respect. Expect and accept nothing less, and your home will be more peaceful in the coming years.

Stop talking to him and start talking to the school professionals.

Is he in the montessori class? If so, it might not be working out for him.

Phone the psychologist from his old school who thought he had a sensory processing disorder and have him/ her call his current one to discuss what to do to help your child. Get a copy of those records for yourself. His history plays an important role how to help him now.

You should've gone to the school and requested evaluations yesterday. Write a letter requesting the evals, drop it off in person and do not leave until they have set the appointment. You will not have to pay for this.

Call current/former Ped and explain situation. They may provide a temporary solution until insurance kicks in.

Have meeting with teacher and principal to discuss child's behavior and solutions.

Read books recommended here by the posters.

You need to be his advocate with the school and medical professionals. Make them hear you.

Best of luck.