Neighbor's Daughter Coming to Play W/o Asking

I would try to make contact with the girl's family. Talk to them and see if you can find out a little more about what is going on. You may have to let them know you can't watch her and if you think neglect is going on, report them. It's sad, but if something would happen to her, the whole neighborhood would feel awful. Maybe watch and see if you can see when they drive in and you know you'll catch them at home.

Good luck.

We are having a bit of the same problem over here. Luckily school starts tomorrow. A new family moved in on the block and the 6 year old roams the neighborhood by himself. He comes to house and rings my doorbell several times a day. When we (me or other neighbors) are outside he comes and plays. That is fine but none of us has ever met his parents. They have never once come down to see if we are ok people. They must be very trusting. Anyway, when he comes over to play I have just been saying my son is not able to play right now. If we are alread outside playing then fine but I have 3 kids of my own, I'm not signing up to babysit a 4th b/c the parents of this kid are not keeping an eye on him.

So, that is what I do. Just say no or you can take them all out front and play.

Sad to say, but it sounds like Children's Services needs to step in and take a look at this situation.

I wouldn't be too quick to contact Children's Services, maybe take a few other steps first - though if it becomes clear that she is being neglected do not hesitate to call. I would follow your usual protocol. Walk over to her home and knock on the door next time she comes over to play. Try to be cordial and say "she came over to play but I wanted to make sure that this was okay with you" ask to exchange phone numbers and if there is anything you should know, like food or pet allergies, etc. Maybe also let her know that you don't mind her playing as long as someone calls first, just so that you know that her mom knows where she is. A six year old cannot always be trusted to tell you the truth, (I know because I have one who likes to make things up) so don't take her word for it that her mother isn't home - go check before giving up your afternoon for free babysitting - if the mother is nowhere to be found, then contact the police. If you don't feel comfortable with her in your home, do not allow her in. Tell her that you're sorry but your son isn't allowed to play right now and that she should have her mother call to set up a play time. I hope that some of this helps. Good luck!

Hello K.-
Know more about the situation and have facts before you call anyone. You can reach out to the neighbor- you can have boundaries for the child. Try not to judge if you don't know these people.
I am the youngest of 6 and my parents were older. Dad was a Vet who struggled w/ alcohol, my brother is schizophrenic, Mom was overwhelmed and very depressed. All I can say is I am truly thankful for the neighbor who provided a safe escape and set a good example for me!! I am a better person because she decided to open her home and was thoughtful to me. I am friends w/ her to this day. If I were you- I would be the one to introduce myself to the neighbor and take the initiative. You'll be teaching your children how to handle situations properly. If you see a need to contact CPS, do it after you have more than assumtions or the phrases used by a little girl- you don't know well. (Mommy might not be home but maybe Grandma is?) Good luck

Wow... all I can think of is that poor little girl. What a ray of sunshine and hope you and your son could be in her life!

It sounds like you need ot call childrens services to have them check out the situation. The mother may be leaving her home alone which is making her wonder from one place to the other. Also I would tell her that you need to talk to her mother before she plays at your house. It is more for your portection b/c if she were to get hurt you would not want to take on that responsibility especially since you do not feel comfortable with her in your house.
This is just my take on the whole thing. You are not punishing the kids if you put your foot down.

The next time the girl comes over, tell her she needs to go home and have her mother call you to 'get permission' for her to be there. Let her know that you're okay with her playing with your child, but that in order for it to happen she needs to have her mommy call you. Send her back home with a piece of paper with your phone number and a nice note to contact you. This way, hopefully you can open lines of communication with the mother to see 'what's up'. It's a good way to break the ice.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this current play situation either, but ganging up with the rest of the neighborhood moms and siccing DCFS on her does not sound appropriate in this case without confronting the mother first.

This sounds like a tough situation. As I don't know your neighborhood, I don't know if there is a need to make a call to Child Protective Services. However, it sounds like this little girl has a horrible home life. Although it may be difficult, I wouldn't be uncomfortable making sure she is safe for a few hours a day and has at least one good meal. As her parents aren't even concerned for her whereabouts, I wouldn't be worried about the mother implying you are providing inadequate care.

If I were in your shoes - and I have been. I would make contact with the mom and find out more about the little girl's situation. It could be that the neighbors are the only ones that little girl has to watch out for her. It may be an inconvenience to you and the other neighbors but you all just might be a God-send for her. ;)

This sounds like something that seriously needs to be investigated by Child Protective Services. Before you call them (please do!), go to the girl's house when she claims they aren't home, and knock on the door - just say you wanted to walk her back home to make sure she got there safely. Introduce yourself, give them your phone number, just be "neighborly". If they indeed ARE NOT home, time to call CPS for neglect. That is so sad...it makes me sick to think there are some parents like this...

You HAVE to set boundaries and this parent needs to know the rules and respect everyone else's households. You COULD invite this woman along w/ another neighbor mom or two or three to a lunch or coffee or something and have a talk about neighborhood rules, etc.

If you attempt to INCLUDE her, she won't feel as threatened as if you just approach her and tell her how it is.

PLAN your approach carefully, talk w/ some of the other moms and take it from there. I think this can be a wake up call for the mom, a chance to be a good neighbor on your part, a chance to include her and see that things can be different. I'd make SURE and talk about respecting each other's homes, etc. without specifically singling her out.

Address the need to have alone time for homework with your own child, etc. Talk about a schedule of some sort so that within a specific time range, all or most of the moms will be doing "homework", reading, etc and they know that children will not be allowed at another one's home unless there are special circumstances....i.e. mom had to take sis to the dentist, etc.

Make this an opportunity for ALL of you to bond together as neighbors - not a gang up - but an opportunity to make a change for the better.

Hi Kristin,

I am dealing with a similar situation. When the little girl comes to my door, I ask her where her mom is and if she knows where she is, and of course, she says that her mom knows she is at my house. I told her that I have not met her mother, and until I meet her mother and we discuss the kids playing, that they cannot play inside te house. So I send a note with the child to take to her mother explaining that we need to meet so I know that she has her permission to play. Also, I have insisted that she come over to view my home to make sure it is okay in her eyes, knowing of course it is, but it is what I expect for my daughter to go to anyone elses home. Kids come to my home only when the parents and I have met, and they have been over, and each time they play, there is at least a signed note allowing them to play, then I make the child call their mom to let them know that they are in my home and get the time to be home. You can't be too careful. So far, my child has not been to the other kids homes because I see that their rules are far too lenient. I guess I am strict, but my daughter is 7 and I will know where she is and with whom. She will not be running the streets like I see some of her friends. She has accepted this now, and is cool with it. I have exlained why I run things the way that I do, and tell her that the other kids are not safe. When they are running around the neighborhood, someone could easily hit them with a car, they could be snatched up in a car and raped, molested, kidnapped....etc....I have also explained that to the kids taht she has hung out with so tha they are more careful even if their parents don't make them. I am the neighborhood mom it seems.

Dear K.,
If this is a neighborhood protocol to ask first, I probably would've dealt with it for as long as you have but my reaction now would be to walk the girl down to her house, sort of escort her home (this would not be punishing either child), to find out exactly who is supposed to be watching her. If it's one of the older sons, ask them to keep her home that day until the mom gets home, then walk down soon after she gets home from work to let her know her daughter has been at your house several times without parental consent. Maybe the mom does not know the neighborhood protocol. Honestly you should not have let her in to begin with so now it is up to you to make it right. I'm sorry your other neighbor missed out on an outing, although it was not her job to do so, it is very nice that people are willing to help other parents. Maybe this mom is single and has her hands full. Be gentle about the protocol and your uneasiness about the situation and maybe things will get worked out so everyone is happy. Who knows, maybe the mother has no idea her sons are not watching her daughter and someone in the neighborhood will get paid to watch her from now on. Regardless, someone needs to let the mother know. Good Luck! -H.-

Hi, I just read this for the first time, and I wondered if anything transpired later...?
The authorities should look into this. Many times situations that turn out really badly had warning signs people missed!

I would definately call the mom and talk to her. I would say something like, seeing as your daughter comes over to play all the time we should at least know each other. I would also tell her that you have a one yr old and it would be great if she could call you or come down with her daughter to see if it is a good time to play, I would tell her that you want her to come down with her because you don't feel comfortable having her walk home by herself.

Also, I would think about calling children services and letting them know what is going on, it sounds like a case of neglect. If the child isn't disruptive, rude or bad, she probably doesn't want to be home and that would be the best thing someone can do for her. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors, it might just be a bad situation

Good Luck

Hi K.,

When my boys were young, I too had other children, dropping by, unannounced, and for hours each day and then stay for dinner too. I felt bad for some of the kids, but it was taking into my time that I could not go anywhere with my kids that I finally would say to the kids when they came over that my boys were napping, and when that did not work, because my sons would want them to come in if they saw them coming over....so I found out who the parents were and dropped by and introduced myself to them and said that it is nice that they
can play together but I find that I can not watch them all
the time because I have errands to run or whatever...the
parent said to me "well just send them on their way out when
you have to go"....so I thought well this isn't going to work
now what? When the kids would come over, I told them they could only stay an hour and that seemed to work better. Hope that helps.

I guess you could call her Mom and just play dumb. Pretend like it is the most normal thing in the world to call her. Just have a conversation like you would with any parent as if it's what you've done before. This way you would avoid confrontation but you would also open up the pathway for her to (hopefully) start calling you. Just say something super nice (even if you feel dumb doing it) like "I love when she comes over but this week our schedule is this so these days and times work best for me. I will write it down and send it home with her" "thank you so much have a great day" "here is my number call me anytime she is alowed to come over and I'll let you know if it's a good time!" bla bla bla. She mightthink your a little strange but whatever. No arguments and she might take the hint. Good Luck. Poor little girl.

Hi, K. well reading from all of the responses and from my own two cents I will give you a different perspective. I have 4 kids that love to make new friends and have many things going on at one time, I keep a close watch on my kids and make sure they are safe, I can be overbearing at times, and I call other moms and make sure that my kids are home on time to eat dinner. With that being said, some parents aren't as watchful or are naive and I think they just assume its okay for their child to play where they want to and for as long as they want to. You say you have no relationship with this person, well why not go and introduce yourself, maybe she doesn't have many friends and you could make a new one and then your son and her daughter will play while you talk and such. You say the neighbor has not contacted you well why don't you contact her, you weren't afraid to come here on this board and ask about it, go find out whats the deal. How can she contact you when you haven't given her your phone number, maybe she's afraid to come over and ask for it. I think it takes a village to raise a child, that in no way makes an excuse for her letting her child run all over the place for hours on end. But, to me "YOU" are seeing this and the other neighbors are "chatting" about it obviously, why don't you be proactive and just go and find out what is going on. How do you know about the other sons having trouble with the law, is that the talk of the town or is it truth? What are you talking about with "Protocol" is this part of your homeowners association rules, maybe she is ignorant to the fact that you have to "call" in order to play, please make an effort to get to know her and if her daughter wants to come over instead of it being negative, turn it into a positive and gladly accept her over, she's keeping your son company and it sounds like they have fun together. Don't look at this as being a pain in your butt, but an opportunity to see your child being happy playing with another child. What don't you feel comfortable with, she's a child, do you have to know her her whole life before you let your child play with her, and honestly you are preventing yourself from getting to know her. Well that neighbor who stayed home to watch her, should've said something to the girls mom. It seems as if you and your neighbors are just standing around waiting for her to come to you, make an effort and go to her. If its bothering you that bad go see her. I don't think your hands are being tied behind your back are they. In no way should child protective services be called, I think that would be ignorant to call them and I think that you have the power to find out where this other person is coming from. You need to walk over to her house and introduce yourself ask her what she does and begin to ask your questions, your not going to find your answer here, because we are not her, Hope you make a new friend. I am a happily married to an awesome husband and have 4 funloving and friendly kids that enjoy making new friends in their neighborhood.

I first want to applaud you for not only being concerned about your son but also about this little girl. I have a similar situation at my house. Our neighborhood is fine but down the block there is an apartment building that is notorious for housing the type of people that I would not want my son around. I know it sounds bad but most of the kids (not all) have parents that don't watch them and the kids don't listen and get in a lot of trouble. However, a lot of them want to come and play at my home. We always try to make sure that the parent knows that their child is coming over and we monitor our sons play VERY CLOSELY. Unfortunately, there are some children that we have had to tell my son that he is not allowed to play with because there have been multiple issues. My advice is to first contact the little girls mom and let her know how your neighborhood functions. Approach it from the "I was concerned that you may not know she was at my house angle" and try not to sound judgemental. Tell her that you would appreciate her calling you first and give her your number. The rules you put in place are for the safety of all kids involved. If she doesn't cooperate then you have to decide whether or not it is worth the hassle. You never want to exclude anyone but we have to look out for our kids' safety first. Also, as hard as this is...if you expect some kind of neglect..you should call the authorities. It's hard to do but sometimes it is in the kids best interest. Good luck.

I would think that if she is coming over to someone's house there should be some contact between the parents before the child stays on your property in the yard or in the house.

Perhaps the neighborhood association could put a note in the directory to communicate when children are leaving and supposed to be arriving at a friend or neighbors house. Or perhaps an anonymous letter could be given to everyone on the street stating the same thing. You could put a note that certain child offenders have been released and that parents should be extra careful. Or perhaps just approaching the parent and stating you have concerns and that you wanted to make sure that she had your phone number in case anything happened to your son on her property or if she needed anything sometime.

If there's an issue of possible neglect on the parents' part, then perhaps it would be better to let the authorities look into it. Perhaps the neighbors could write formal complaint letters or call DCS individually to state their concerns.

K.,

There is no "protocol" here. What you're witnessing is a case of neglect. Please do this little girl a favor and report her parents to Children's Services. You can do so anonymously. Just tell them what you've witnessed (the girl roaming alone for hours, never knowing where her mother is, etc.) CS is required by law to investigate every call.

Trust me, this could possibly be the best thing for her. We had a similar situation in our neighborhood... someone reported the family and it turned out that the mother was never home because she's a stripper, and the father was selling drugs out of the house!

Your insticts regarding this little girl are good. Please make that call ASAP.

I have had this happen several times too. I just call the family and introduce myself and let them know that I don't mind if the kids play together, but it would probably be best to call ahead to make sure that we are home and that we don't have any other plans.

It's common in our neighborhood for kids to go to a friend's house and ask to play. Sometimes the parents call first but usually not. My son is always walking or riding his bike down to a friend's house in our subdivision (he's 6). He'll get to a friend's house, ring the doorbell and when they answer he'll ask very politely if so-in-so can come outside to play or if he can go in. If they say no because they are busy, or are not home, my son comes right home. He always asks me before he leaves. The friend's parent will usually call 15-20 minutes or so after he arrives to let me know he's staying for a little while. His friends come to the door all the time and do the same thing, too.

So... I have no problem with a kid coming over without prior arrangement to play. If I say no because it's a bad time for us, they simply go home.

If you're worried about this child being neglected, then call CPS to investigate.

I would confront her about it. I'd invite the mother over for a cup of tea or coffee and explain to her that you don't mind her daughter coming to play, but you think that the mother should know where her daughter is all evening.

I would at least give her a chance prior to contacting child services. It's possible that she just needs a gentle reminder that you are not the girl's babysitter.

I've had to call CPS before and it's not a good time for anyone involved. The time I had to call, there were children running around on second story balconies with no railings, a 2 year old running around in the back yard with pruning sheers, 2 year old running the streets, the children were always dirty and not fed, the mother was in and out of rehab, etc. In this case, CPS ultimately ended up taking the children away, which was heartbreaking to watch. That sounds like it was a totally different story than what you're seeing above though, and again I'd at least give her the chance to fix it prior to calling. If you're seeing any of the other things I mentioned, I would definitely skip the cup of coffee and call.

i K.. Maybe next time she wanders over, walk her back to her house and talk to a parent or guardian (Her mom may not live there). You can take that opportunity (hoping there is someone there to talk to) to ask them to please call before she comes over so that you know it is ok for her to be there and what time she needs to come home. You may be the only positive in here life. So you can take some pleasure in knowing that.
It seems families are different. Some families welcome kids over at any time and if it isn't a good time to play, they say that. My son has friends like that. Some want to set up an actual "playdate" and others play at their leisure. We are more the play at your leisure family, but everyone is different.

K. this is a health and safety issue for this little girl. I was a Court Appointed Special Advocate (some states call thse trained volunteers "guardian ad litem") for a couple of years. This child is neglected and not being parented. This situation needs to be reported to your county Child Protective Services now. Thank you and your neighbors for watching out for her to this point but someone has to intervene now. It is up to you. Already the little girl will have abandonment issues, what/who are the older brothers and mom bringing into the home? What about a wandering child being snatched by a child molester? She is probably very vulnerable to attention and thus easy prey to anybody. Pray for her, make the phone call and report mom. You may save this girl's life. Bev

She is not your responsibility, if it is not a good time for you or your son, simply send her home.

Hi K., As a grandmother now my advice would be to go see the childs mother and make a judgement as to the situation as a whole.
I had many years ago a similair situation with my oldest son, It transpired his friends mother worked and then went out in the evening.
I approached her about him constantly turning up a my home without any prior arrangment, she thought it was not a problem for me as I didnt work. When I pointed out to her that during school holidays her son was permanently at my home for meals etc she acted amazed that I was commenting upon it. I told her I didnt mind her son coming over but would not be used as a child minder by someone I didnt know. There was no father in the picture and her neighbour was supposed to be looking after her son and being paid to do so.The conclusion was the boy didnt come over anymore and left me feeling quilty,about the situation.

This one is going to have to get reported. You can do this without identifying yourself. Do this for the little girl. One of these days, she is going to go into the wrong house and get hurt (or worse). This mother has let it happen for too long. No one else is responsible for watching this little girl except HER parent. I wouldn't go and talk with the mother, because it would be a waste of your time. She obviously does not care for her children, or they would not do what they do. Don't feel like you are punishing the little girl. You are helping her. She may even end up with people that care and shows her how her childhood is suppose to be. This is just my opinion. Hope it helps!

If you think the child is alone and not being cared for at that young of an age I would call child protective services. If she is roaming the neighborhood for hours she is not properly being cared for. My heart breaks for the poor child.

Call 241-Kids.

C.

Hi K., Have you thought about going to your neighbors house and introducing yourself? Meeting the mother might be a good idea because then you might get a feeling about who they are and what they are about. This would also give you a chance to let the mother know that her precious little 6 yr old daughter is coming to your house unsupervised and that you want to make sure she knew about it and maybe you could put in the conversation that she is running around the neighborhood alot all alone. It might not help, but like I said, it might give you an idea what they are like and also give you a gut feeling if you should contact child services or not. You might want to call child services anyway because if you do go there to talk to her about her daughter and then child services is goes to her house then she might know it was you and give you trouble. I don't know for sure, but this child should not be running the streets alone at her age.

Go to the little girls house with her in tow and knock on the door, and introduce your self. If the mother doesn't come to the door, then call CPS and report that a child is being left alone., and you are concerned, because she comes to the neighborhood several times a week, reporting her mother isn't home.
good luck

You must go and talk with the girl's parent. I know how hard that is as it sounds like a situation I've had to deal with in my own neighborhood. You have to involve yourself for the sake of the child. Any parent who leaves a six year old unsupervised needs help in parenting skills. They were probably not taught any parenting skills as a child either. And so the cycle continues. It is your job as a human being to watch over the little children, all children not just look out for our own. And when you approach the Mom just look at her as the child that was probably left alone at six as well. If as a society we all start to understand that someone else's child is our responsibility, the world will become a much safer and peaceful place.

If you know where the girl lives, I would just go over there and talk to the mom. Next time she comes over, walk her back home, explain to the mom that you weren't sure if she knew the little girl had come over to play. Explain that you don't mind, but if she could call ahead in the future you would appreciate it. Give her your phone number. Speak with other parents in the neighborhood and see if they would do the same. If they see the little girl our and about by herself, they really should be taking her home. It's just not safe for a little one that age to be around unsupervised. Hopefully the mom will take the hint and become a little more responsible. It could be that mom really doesn't know the little one has gotten out of the house. If it's a case of neglect, then you may have to pursure other options. Opening the line of communication is the first step.

K.- you never mentioned anything about the child. Is she disruptive? Ill mannered? A bad influence on your child? If not leave it all alone. Set limits and explain rulesa t yourhouse IE- good manners are expected teach her if you have to. Obvioulsy this kid needs you and as long as she isn't a problem for you why punish a kid in need.

As for the mom not bein ghome- I;d march the kid over to her house and find out if its true and if the mother i snot home and htere is no one to watch her, call the authoritites.

I also have this going on in my neighborhood and it is a pain when you are always watching someone else's child and you know it will never be reciprocated. I do understand that. We have told the two little sisters they are not allowed in our backyard, even though it is fenced, until we meet their Mom. I just worry about someone getting hurt. After we did this, the sisters came down for a walk with their Mom and we had the chance to meet. Maybe if you told her she cannot come in your house to play until you met her Mom, she might go home and get her Mom. Good luck, let us know what happens.

Why would someone take the word of the little girl and make her there problem?? I would never let the girl in the house to play without knowing that the parents are fine with it. Its time that someone goes and talks to the parent and see what the real deal is. Maybe children services should be involved. Thats not being an a** that is being concerned for a child that wonders the streets by herself. There are so many peditors out there that she isn't safe at all. There is a problem and someone needs to find out what the problem is and quit turning there heads because they "Don't want to get involved". If more people cared there would be less violence. Sorry don't mean to preach. Good luck.

When we first moved into our home there was a little girl(now 15)who would come over to play with our son. She was not a nice child and her parents never came over to introduce themselves, just assumed we were good people I guess. Anyway, it went on for a while and I just started to get really annoyed. Sooooo, she was leaving our house one day and I sent a note home with her with our phone # and asked them to please call before she came. They did after that and then would also call when she needed to come home. But eventually we had to have her quit cooming over because she was just a hateful little girl.I wouldn't be so quick to call Children Services unless you really feel she is being neglected, try to work something out with her parents. If that doesn't work, it's your house and your child. Remember too sometimes kids come around because you may be the bright spot in their life.

I am a little sad to read some of these responses. I have had this happen in my neighborhood as well. I live somewhat in the country, but I am a psycho-overprotective mom. I do not let my 12yr old leave the driveway without a walkie-talkie. We have a code word if he is trouble. When we first moved to this house, we had a little boy who was about 6 or 7 that would show up to play on a daily basis. He would sometimes be here until 9:00 at night with nobody checking on him. When it was becoming dark one night and he had his bicycle with him, I decided it was time for me to take him home to find out what was going on. I loaded his bike up in my truck and drove him home. I asked him to go in and get his mother/father so that I could meet them. They wouldn't come out at first. The overly drunk father finally did. It made things alot clearer about this little boys home life. One day he came over on an 80 degree day with sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt. I sent him home to get something cooler to put on. He came back 1/2 hour later, and said thank you he felt much better. This kid just needed shown some love and attention. Kids don't choose their parents. How shamefull that everyone thinks it is such a burden to show love to another human being, especially a child. One thoughtful and loving act could be the one thing that changes that child's life forever.

I would go to your neighbors house and talk to the mother. Let her know that you don't mind if her daughter comes over once in a while to play but you would appreciate it if she could contact you first. Also, the neighbor that had to watch her if this happens again should go to the girls house to see for sure whether or not her mother is home. This sounds like a mess and of course as you said it isn't the girls fault. The mother needs to be responsible for her daughter which it sounds like she needs to get some help in that department. I would go talk to her and get to know her.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.