I do not know if I am overreacting, but ever since the new child has came into our lives my husband and I are having major problems. I was a single mom for two years, then met my husband and we got married after only knowing each other for 8 months! Well two months into our marriage and many problems with losing twins (due to a bi-lateral ectopic pregnancy), me having a hystroectomy, and then a letter in the mail about a 1 yr old son that could be his, which ended up being his, he has changed so much. I have tried everything from trying to talk to him, acting different and even suggest to go to therapy. He refuses to do all that, he always tells me he is to busy, or to tired or just wants to relax. We never go anywhere or do anything, when I bring all this up he tells me that I am depressed from losing the babies and that I need to go on anti-depressents. My question to all of you is what should I try to do next? I love my husband and he loves my children like his own, but i feel like I am going crazy. He never asks me to do anything he just tells me what we are going to do. I lived with a abusive man before and this is how he started out. Do not get me wrong my husband is wonderful and he would never raise his hand to me, and I know that for a fact! But how can I get him to see that I am not wonderwoman, I am just a woman who is craving some attention from her husband! Any ideas would be great.
K.
K.,
I have an informative handout on this subject that I can't seem to attach here. Please feel free to e-mail me directly and I would be more than happy to send it to you, My e-mail is ____@____.com
A little about me:
I am a certified Birth Doula through both DONA and CAPPA, I am the mother of 3 adult children and the grandmother of 3 granddaughters.
Hi K.,
While your husband may not be receptive to therapy, it doesn't stop you from getting help for yourself. If nothing else, it can help you sort out your feelings and help you determine if this is a relationship worth staying in. Maybe once your husband sees the clarity you get from it, he might join you. If he refuses still, then you know where you stand with him.
Best of luck to you!
M.
I agree with all these other smart woman.
YOu need to date. Do on a date once a month. take turns planning. But there has to be guidelines. No talking about work ,kids or money and the date can not be a movie, play or a concert. That is advise someone told me and my husband. We have a two, and a three year old. And I have a 8 year old step child. Life is tough. We all get tired, pissed and overwhelmed. Take time for each other, and yourself.
K..
i agree with jennifer.. i was in a bad relationship that dealt with motional and physical... and that is no good. just becarefull and have a plan on how to go somehwere just incase something does happen. hopefully it wont. get some help for yourself and then bring your hubby with you.. as therpist will ask for others to join after while. i had my 9 year old in therpy and i ended up in there and her father.. so sooner or later you get what you want by you and your hubby getting help. and it wont be lieing either. life wouldnt be life if we didnt have bumpy roads to go down just have to learn how to deal with them and sometimes thats hard to do.. good luck and stay safe!!!!!!
I would suggest the family couseling because I don't agree that your husband has the education to diagnose you to take anti-depressants. Couseling will help you work together and it may just be adjusting the way you communicate that will fix things. You could also go seak couseling yourself and ask him if he'll join you if the couselor needs him in on a session. There's alays time and it's an excuse he's making in my opinion. What's he hiding? If it's important to you then he should also think it's important and try to help your marriage. It's a partnership not an individual union you have with him. If you do go to couseling I'd suggest getting a male so you husband doesn't think it's one sided or feel like he's being attacked. Good luck.
Hi K.. I read all the advice you were given and it all sounds good, but I just wanted to add a little note to you. My husband and I have one son here and an angel we lost shortly after we got together when I was 7 1/2 mos pregnant with him. I have two children from before. He has stepped in as the parent with them and done great. But he and I are very different. During our 5 year relationship we have had our ups and downs. We never had to experience what you are now with the finding out he had another child, but his reaction reminds me of my husbands to some other things. And it is like what do you do? You love this person and you are a family now and you just have to make it work. But the more you talk, the less he seems to hear. I realized that I needed to actually stop talking (oh and I'm sure someone will have something to say about that). But my husband has his way of dealing with things that I sometimes don't understand, but he still needs to do this for himself. But on the other hand you are in this together.
What I did was just kept quiet a couple days. I didn't bring up the issue so it could just give him time. Then I told him that I just wanted a few moments to share something with him and to have him just listen to me until I was done. No expectations for any type of response from him, but just listen to me. I was not sure how he felt and if he wasn't willing to share it at that moment that was fine. I would give him time to figure this out because it seems he is trying to figure out something. but I was afraid of the distance that seemed to be growing between us. Unexpected things happen, but that does not change my feelings for him. I love him. And I told him I knew he loved me. Maybe now he doesn't feel like talking or maybe he did think that I was dealing with issues from losing our son.. and so on. But I did want to get back to us. The way we loved each other better then anyone else could. That no matter what we were there for each other. Take your space and I will work on my issues, but let's try to still make space for us.
Men truely seem to be so far from us at times, but it's finding the best way for the two of you to work through this. Good luck K. and if you need anyone to talk to just e-mail me.
J.
K.,
I know that I have written to you before, and once again, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have some really great advice here, but one thing that was maybe missed is how to talk to your husband. Being a counselor who often does family theray, I know it is hard. Aswomen,we often have a difficult time expressing what we want. We tend to turn our discussions into something else. I used to yell at my husband allthe time to throw is garbage away, and he'd forget two minutes later. When I explained to him that leaving the garbage laying on the counter for me to throw away made me feel like my time is being devalued and not as important to him, he never did it again. Be clear on what you want from him and why you want it. If your needs are not being met say "My needs are not being met, and as a fmaily we are not functioning because you are not respecting my feelings" or whatever it is that you want to say. Sometimes our messages get lost. If he refuses to give you that respect,you need toreevaluate the relationship seriously. Okay, therapy session over, sorry about that, I get passionate. Good luck.
S.
