When Is Enough Enough?

Get out sweetie .... life is hard as a single mom with 3 little ones. I know, been there and done that! I left when my youngest was 13 months old and the other 2 were 11 and 9. It was hard at first but you get used to it and life will be brighter each and every day. Therapy is a great idea and well worth the money so keep it up.

You'll do just fine and I think the kids will be happier too knowing how happy mommy is :-)
Blessings Always,
D.

T., I have been married to your husband for 18 years. Get used to it if you want your marriage to work. NO, life would NOT be easier on your own. If he does the smallest things, it's more than nothing. And you do NOT want to be on your own with kids to raise. Those kids never asked to be born but they deserve a mother and father in their home. Buck up. Hire a cleaning service. Take charge over your life even if you have an assistant. Can't afford it? Hire someone for 3 months. Then he'll realize throwing in a load of laundry is cheaper than he thought. Or making a dinner, or washing dishes, or making beds, or getting everyone of those kids to where they need to be on time. My daughters are teenagers and if you play your cards right, they'll recognize a trade off when they really want to. It won't guarantee a husband's input, but you can always threaten one more cleaning lady/taxi/nanny/ stint. Or come to my house for margaritas. (They HATE that) It's perfectly fine for husbands to unwind in the bowels of someone's basement but the Lord above forbid a woman twists off a cap and overs on the almighty remote after a long, hard, hot, day! You deserve a break, sweetheart! Take care of you. Hugs!

I see you've gotten many responses, and I didn't read them all so I might be repeating, but here are my 2 cents:

You really are blessed in your life, do you know that?? You have a husband, 3 beautiful children, and a wonderful job. Try not to get so down on yourself and look on the bright side! Yes, these are trying times for you. It won't always be perfect, no one ever promised you that. But, you do what you can do and it will work out just great. Have you ever thought of not doing something?? Let me explan what I mean: What if you quit doing the dishes? I mean totally stop. I can see you rolling your eyes right now. You think he won't help, it will just get so full and you will end up doing them in the end anyways. No. Stop. You won't do the dishes. You just can't anymore. Don't say anything to your husband about it, just stop doing them. Wash a dish for yourself or hide some paper plates. See if he just might do them. It might take a few days. Your kitchen will get really dirty. But he'll help, but only if you don't say anything! Did you hear me?? You can't say anything about it!! You have to leave them and let him do it. He will see. He's no dumby. He just doesn't want to have to listen to you. He doesn't want you to tell him what to do. This is just they way guys are. They were created like this by God. Maybe it's not the dishes for you. Maybe it's the laundry. Do your own, do the kids, stop doing his. He will notice. He will do it himself. But just don't say anything about it!! When he asks, just tell him you just don't have the energy to do them anymore. And don't say anything else.

You can learn more about effectively communicating with your spouse about these types of things in a wonderful book titled "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerts. Go buy it right now. It is a Christ centered way to change your relationship for the better. It will get better. You can do this! Don't give up yet, I know you will have a wonderful life with him!

The 7th and 8th year of marriage are the hardest. I found a lot of our friends getting divorced at that time. Divorce is very hard on children. I know, my parents are divorced and it is very hard on my mother when I go to my dads house for holidays and what not.

My advice: Don't leave!

1. Give him 2 chores to do per day. It is easier for a lot of men when they know they have a certain job to do. If that is not done, they have no excuse. Start with something simple like taking the garbage out every morning and grill a meal out on Friday night. Then add to it...usually something he finds fun.

Also... Hire a tween in your neighborhood to be a mother's helper. Have them play with your kids to give you a break. They usually only charge 3$ an hour. Do this a couple times a week.

2. Give the 5 year-old 2 chores. Have them in charge of dusting or cleaning sinks with Lysol wipes. My 5 year-old vacuums and loves it.

3. Give the 3-year old a job like dusting. Give them a feather duster and let them have fun.

These types of issues are very common in a marriage. Remember to keep it simple. This is a very stressful time in your marriage. Don't be a statistic. You and your kids will be better off having a family unit.

I remember an especially lonely period in my marriage....I asked my mom if my dad appreciated all the work that she did. She said that it didn't hit him, until my oldest sister had children. It was hard for my dad to watch my sister struggle when her husband didn't seem to help her out very much.

I truly believe that one of the reasons that we love our spouses is because we catch glimpses of who they can be. Not what we neccessarily are trying to MAKE them be, but who they will be as they continue to progress in life.

I also think that it incredibly normal to fall in and out of love with our spouses. I am married to a great man, but I swear that sometimes..... seriously.

I have some dear friends that chose divorce and now looking back realize that they chose the harder road.

One thing that I have tried to do that has really helped in our family is that we have a family planning meeting on Sunday nights. We go over the schedule, chores that need to be done, and meals that need to be planned. It helps our whole family see the load. Then I ask DH what part of that he is willing to do. He knows his schedule and what he can and cannot contribute that week.

I think it is important for a family to act as a team. For us it has been outlining responsibilities. Having a weekly chart on the fridge and going over it together. My kids are 6 and 3. Not very different than yours. I don't think that 5 is too young to start helping.

Find something that fills you up. That helps you be happy. I new hobby, some great books.

I hope that I'm not sounding judgemental, but I have been doing all of those things in our house too for the last 7 1/2 years. For me it was all about finding joy for myself and then getting our family working towards common goals. Rooting for each other.

T.,
I'm so sorry about the way your hubby is treating you... I was in a relationship like that too.. Your situation sounds so much like mine. I'm so sorry... i did go for counseling and he did join me, but got kicked out many times...
I did divorce him. It's so sad for the children... But you are the one that needs to think about your self and what is good for you and the kids. there are so many people that can tell you it's sad for the kids, and it is!!! but in the long run, i think it's better to have the kids live in a happy environment instead of seeing their daddy come home from work, wait for supper, lay on the couch, fall asleep and make mommy take the kids away so we wouldn't interrupt the tv show that he's going to fall asleep to anyway. Kids adjust!!! it takes a while, but they do... Do what you feel is right. and I have been reading Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus.. and i have read the 5 Love languages.. they are great books. read them and really think about what they say..
Please think about things and do what you think is right for yourself and your children.

I noticed this in my husband LONG before we had kids into our first yr of marriage...and I started refusing to do things..sort of like going on strike. I asked him to do the dishes...and when they didn't get done when I asked...I let them sit. Infact, we had people over...and as hard as it was,...I let those dishes sit and if people asked about them, I'd say..."Yep...hubby said he was going to do them 2 weeks ago so I'm giving him time."

I even had to eat cereal out of a huge mizing bowl once because there weren't any dishes clean. When we had those people over for supper...I ran out and bought paper products. I think that changed his mind and the next day, he did the dishes. I even hid them in the stove and couldn't cook in the stove that evening because it was full of dishes. (It was either that, or they would have taken up the entire counter.) He didn't realise the trickle effect from him not doing them, and I don't know if he eventually thought I'd do them or what...but I never did. It was actually kind of fun playing his little game.

I also stopped washing his clothes once and it piled literally to the top of the closet door and we couldn't get into the closet anymore so I started piling his clothes in his side of the bed so that I could get into the closet. He'd have to crawl over the huge pile everyday to get in/out of bed. It was funny. He finally got tired of it and spent an entire weekend doing laundry. Because of his clothes on the floor...our floors got pretty dirty because we couldn't vacuum...which I also refused to do so he got tired of looking at the super dirty floors. Just STOP...and even though it's hard, it's an important lesson that he obviously wasn't taught early enough.

Stop being his mother and let him fend for himself when it's in regards to his stuff...let him be a pig...eventually, he'll realise that he doesn't like being a pig and he'll start helping.

Wow, It looks like everyone has a connection to this issue! I love the advice from more than one woman, to just STOP doing his chores. Leave it for him, he'll get to it eventually. The reason I like that advice is because it is a way to put your foot down without actually leaving the relationship. It gives him one last SERIOUS chance that he can't miss or ignore.

I had to leave my ex to make it clear to him that things had to change and it was the final test. I told him I wasn't leaving for good, but I was going away for awhile, to live with my mother. I needed a break. I told him the things that HAD to change before I would return and I stuck to it. Unfortunately, my ex tried to work on a few things, but couldn't stick with it. After 6 months I told him I was done waiting.

But the best advice I got through the whole situation was from my sister. She said, "YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU." I know it sounds harsh, but it made me wake up to the fact that over the years I had let him get away with more and more, not put my foot down, been too accomadating. Not only was he used to it, but once he realized he could get away with one thing, it just kept going to the next thing and the next thing. You need to make a decision as to how you NEED things to be, the MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES. Then put your foot down, hard! Don't give in if he only tries a little, cuz that means he doesn't get it. And I'm not saying that you should tell him to watch the kids, do the dishes, do the laundry, clean the bathroom, mow the lawn...... etc. But the main issues. What is the biggest deal to you? What would help you the most? Meet him in the middle, but once you do, don't budge! Because that is teaching him how to treat you, that your wishes deserve his respect and attention. And if he won't give his respect and attention to a simple request, it just shows he is more concerned with himself than you. Pure selfishness.

WARNING: This won't change overnight! Give it 6 months, at the minimum. A year would be better. I look at my ex now, after two years, and he has FINALLY changed most of the things I wanted changed then. Not all, and I'm still relieved and happy to be out of that relationship (there were temper issues involved also), but he has improved greatly. It took him 2 YEARS!

So stand up for yourself! Teach him how to treat you RIGHT! Keep going to counseling, make him do his own laundry or dishes or whatever. But be strong for yourself and be proud of yourself. You deserve to be treated well and respected. Show your husband that by treating yourself that way. If he can't step up to the plate and learn how to do that, he doesn't deserve you. But take the time to TRY!

Wow. Good luck to you, I don't envy your position, but I understand it.

Make sure you post again so all of us interested Mamasource ladies can find out what worked for you!

Do you still love your husband? It sounds like you do at least some if you are trying to salvage the marriage. Maybe you need to reconnect with him even before the whole housework, etc. issue. Think hard about what you've built together before you consider the big D. Sometimes divorce is a short term solution with long term damage. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much. Good for you that you're getting counseling. You are doing a lot of good things. Love those kids and try to remember why you married your husband.

There are so many reasons to stay married when you have young kids T. (I have been divorced twice so take it from a pro). Your life will not get easier - it will get harder - as will your children's lives.

What will get easier though, is that you will no longer have any expectations of your husband while you are at home. This IS tangible, but it may not be the best answer for you at this time.

I would like to suggest that you start by writing down a list of all of your expectations you have of your husband today. Rearranged them into two columns:

1. Things I can do without his help,
2. Things I need help with.

Take the "Things I need help with" column and start to delegate these things to others: babysitters, handymen, cleaning services, relatives and neighbors. This is what you will be doing anyway if you are a single mother of three kids.

Take the "Things I can do without his help" list and take a moment to give thanks for the time, money and energy to do them.

Then walk away from your expectations of your husband by working to not have them anymore: Go to therapy so you can work out your left-over frustrations. Take care of yourself by taking short vacations (forcing him to take care of the kids) every week if you have to. Make your own plans... get a hobby, go to school, join a book club or get a career.

I have learned this technique as a single mom because I realized that every single mom will continue to have to work at the married relationship - just at a distance.

I would be more than glad to be helpful to you at this time of great need and distress T.. Having been there twice, I would commit my life to helping women through their children's young lives by making their bad marriages work until the kids are out of the house. This way fewer children will be living lives in two homes with split friends, neighbors, and hearts.

In the short run, these techniques will help you to cope. In the long run they could save your marriage OR just make it bearable until you have what you need to leave (money, stability and courage).

Take care ~ I'll be thinking of you. A.

One of the things that I've noticed is that we judge things in terms of today or this week or this year. When you figure that ideally we marry for life, I've learned that the only way I can get through the tough times is to think about what it would be like when: The kids are in school, the kids can drive, the kids go to college, the house is empty. My husband can be completely impossible, but I try to look at the big picture. The house is one of our biggest tangible stumbling blocks. He grew up with family values that a house is just a place you put your stuff whereas my family always thought that a house reflects your self-image and needs to be maintained as the single greatest investment financially and emotionally. When we go camping, it's amazing how balanced it all becomes but at home it's never like that.

I can't work and keep my house organized and clean all by myself. I've learned that peace is more important to me. Almost daily I wish for a dust free home, but I'm glad that I get to spend time with my kids, and we have great meals and great times together. The other day I saw an ad on tv for some new drug - I can't remember the name but it was for PVD or something like that. A mom and son were at a computer and son was typing away, all I could concentrate on was that the "study" they were in was cluttered with books and papers on the floor and I was so RELIEVED! It looked like my house a tiny little bit. A lot of my friends have cleaning ladies and different arrangements, that make it hard not to compare.

I think that we have to figure out our own values and what is most important for our families. I think your husband does love you and your kids - you may tell him and see if he responds that your way of seeing his love is if/when he does something for you. I tried that and it didn't work. They have to love us and communicate their love in their own way. Too bad for us.

Get some exercise and get some sleep and remember that this too shall pass. You have your hands full - and when it's overwhelming, remember God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

Please ask him if he will go to marital counseling with you. Divorce destroys children in many ways; you do not only have your own happiness to consider.

In a book I recently read on marriage called "love and respect," (which I recommend!) the author states that men are motivated when they have their deepest need met - which is honor and respect (for women, it is love). Try positive reinforcement, respecting him when you don't feel like it, and telling him how much your children and home needs him (in a positive way).

Stick with the counseling! When you are feeling more confident and sure of yourself, you will know what you really want as far as staying with or leaving your husband.

Another option is to stop waiting for him to change. Make whatever adjustments you need to on your own. For example, make a list of all the chores etc that you do, (sort it out by catagory: home chores, errands, kid-related stuff etc), then prioritize what is most important to you. If you really think long and hard about it, you will find that there are some things that are really important that must be accomplished, and the rest of it is just stuff you do because you're "supposed to". Simply stop doing the stuff that isn't a MUST DO. See what happens. Don't expect your husband to pick up the slack. But see if it relieves any of your stress.

Flylady.net offers some wonderful housecleaning tips, and if you go with her free email program, she also has a way of boosting up your self-esteem as you go.

Another adjustment you can make on your own is to bring in some outside help. A neighborhood teen might be willing to come play with your kids for two hours a day, so you can get your priority chores done in peace. A friend with children might be willing to trade a day where she watches your kids so you can get something done or relax; then you watch her kids another day so she can do the same. If you have family or close friends in the area, call them in to help you. Those who love you will be willing to help you! Don't suffer in silence alone. Whatever you need, ask for it- you already know you can't ask your husband and expect to get result, so start asking other people.

One other thought, when you ask a man to "help you", he doesn't really hear what you mean. And the more emotional about it you get, the more he shuts down and shuts you out. Instead of saying, "I need your help", try saying, "Would you be willing to take on just one chore this month? will you be in charge of -fill-in-the-blank" Don't make it a big catagory either, like "be in charge of the kids". He won't even know what that means. "Be in charge of picking the kids up on Tuesdays and Thursdays" might be something he can handle though.

But really, the better you feel about yourself, the better able to handle life you will be. Consider anti-depressants too if you are always feeling "down." I'll be thinking of you.

Jen

I am sorry you have to go through this...for 8 years you must be at the end of your rope. I too have felt the same things as you have but I have only been dealing w/ it for 1yr w/ one child.

Have you read the book "Baby-Proofing Your Marriage"? I just finished it and took a lot away from it. It is written by (3) women but you can tell that they did a ton of research because they did a good job of explaining to me what is going through my "Pig-Headed" husband's head. I see things a little differently and feel good about going forward.

One of the things they suggest is that you make a chore list--even hang it in the house. I thought, no way--my husband will feel like he is being babied. WRONG--I sat down w/ him and asked him what jobs he would be "able" to do. He listed a few such as taking out the garbage, emptying the dishwasher etc...so I listed them. Now, he does those jobs on the list to no avail. I was SHOCKED! I came from the type of home where if I saw the dishwasher full I would empty it and I couldn't understand why my husband would just pull out the dish he needed..I thought that was his way of being mean to me. But it wasn't...he actually had to be told what to do and when to do it. And now w/ the list he does it. We started w/ baby steps--first his two jobs were the dishwasher and take out garbage. But I do see him picking up after our daughter lately--and even assisting w/ her needs a little more. He even picked up the book the other night to read it on his own...I noticed even those two simple chores helped me--and I was a little less crabby.

He is a work in progress I have come to realize--I am sure yours is too, as the book said we just have to come down to their level. As much as we hate to be or act like their mothers I guess that is what works--at least for now!

Good Luck!

Always remember this- you cannot change another person, only your reaction to them. A few things I have found very helpful in changing my outlook are flylady.net and 'The Secret.' Once you are happy with your life he will wonder what he is missing! Go out with girlfriends, or seek out local groups to join (meetup.com is great) and take some time to yourself. Don't ask- just go. If your husband doesn't want to watch the kids, hire a babysitter. Even a couple hours out of the house doing something you love will make a big difference for your sanity. I am a single mother without any help financially, emotionally or physically. It is not any easier on your own, believe me.

Tracy,
I completely know how you are feeling. I would have a total breakdown and freak out to get my husbands attention- and you are right, it's really hard to have someone there you think should help and not get the help you deserve. I opted to leave my husband figuring I was on my own anyway- let me tell you- it has been a HUGE struggle being single. Worse than anything I thought I was dealing with in my marriage. My husband is really a good man(ex husband that is) He provided a good, stable home- I worked full time as well, and took care of kids, cars, home, yard, etc etc. I think it is that some men just don't get it. Look at how he was raised- did his dad help his mom?? I know there are things they can do to make the change to be helpful now in their own lives- but change is hard and takes time. I now choose to look to the LORD for my strength. I got myself where I am today,with GODs help and help from my family and friends of course, I am still going it alone- and it's a struggle. When I was married, I sought GOD, my husband saw that in me and actually commented on it- he is not a Christian, but loved that I was. Hang in there, and turn to GOD for your strength-I think in the long run you are best to stay with your spouse if he's not abusing you.

T., I have walked in your shoes. Try and remember special moments with your husband before you got married. You said "I do" for a reason 8 years ago. And, if you were on your own now, you truly would be handling everything yourself. My husband and I met during college, where we both lived in dorms. He grew up in a home with a stay at home mom who doted on he and his brother & father. I grew up on a farm where everybody pitched in and my mom worked outside of the home. We often get married and think things will just happen a certain way, and then get upset when our expectations aren't met. It sounds like you have shared your expectations with your husband, which is good. Have you given him a chance to share his expectations? It may be, like my husband, that he doesn't expect you to do any of the things that you do, but he has simply gotten used to you doing them without realizing how much you do. We must remember that we made a commitment, through thick and thin, to stay together. Once you either hand a task to him or he volunteers to do a task, you must refuse to do it, like a previous post, Jenn, said. Also, try humor as much as possible. A few years ago when I went back to work full time, I called a family meeting. I playfully announced that I had fired the maid and from now on, I would expect every family member to pick up their own messes. From that day forward, I only washed my clothes, only put my dishes in the dishwasher, ... But when I leave their messes, there isn't anger and spite because there mess isn't my responsibility. To this day, my husband doesn't see a mess until it is big enough for him to trip over, but when he notices it, he takes care of it. His timing is different than mine, but that isn't because he expects me to do it, it is simply because he sees things differently than me. When we hand them a task or quietly expect them to do something, we can't always expect that they will do it in our time frame or our way and we can't "take the task back" because they don't do it when or how we want. Your marriage is a partnership and it is worth fighting for. We are celebrating 15 years this summer. It hasn't always been easy. In fact, parts of it were absolute hell. However, we have seen that on the other side of a struggle, we are so much stronger together. Some days, I don't like my husband, but I make a conscious decision to love him and treat him with honor and respect. I am sorry if this seems choppy. God bless you in your decisions.

I just said a prayer for you.
A thought...no big decisions until your youngest is at least a year old. This is a stressful time. I have also been married 8 years and have 3 kids.
I highly recommend the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend. You start to see how you can respectfully set guidelines, giving your spouse the freedom to act or not. Very helpful. The books recommended by others, Love & Respect and 5 Love Languages are also good.
I can echo others who say write it down, specifically. Men don't always see the tasks that women see.
Does your husband earn an income that helps to support you? Thank him for it. How much $ would you need to earn to pay for daycare without your husband in the picture? Is there enough cash to hire a part time housekeeper? It's true you can't do it all. Think about what you CAN do, then think about who can help you do the rest, outside of your husband. At one point, I thought, I could spend $ going to a therapist about how I'm having trouble keeping up with my house, or I could pay a housekeeper/pro organizer to help me.
A further thought is, talking to your husband hasn't worked. Acknowledge reality, stop asking him for something he's not willing to give on a consistent basis. Now respectfully and non threanteningly make choices about your time, while staying with him. When you empower yourself with making decisions, he will have the freedom to make decisions of his own. "Hon, I'm sorry I've been nagging you. I'm going to stop. But I'm also going to hire someone to come in once every 2 weeks to help with what I can't get done. To pay for it, we'll have beans and rice 3 nights per week for dinner."
You have options beyond your current situation vs. divorce. Start with yourself...think/pray/read...get creative!
A

First, I think going to a counseling is a good start.

When there are chores to tend to at my house, I will ask my husband, "Do you want to do the dishes -OR- would you rather take out the trash? Both need to be done today." I think giving husbands some direction, and choices, in a polite manner, is the way to go. Is it annoying to have to point out to my husband that when the trash is overflowing and there are flies circling around it that it needs to be brought out? YES! But when I am polite and direct about it needing to be done, he does it.

Women often give their husbands the vague complaint that they "need help with housework", but they don't provide direction. Men aren't mindreaders. Be specific:

Tonight, do you want to give the kids their baths OR would you rather sweep the floor?
Can you please take the recycling out today?

Another tactic I use at my house is I set the timer for 20 minutes, and we both clean and pick-up until it goes off. It is amazing what 2 people can get done in a short amount of time.

You might also want to evaluate how clean you WANT your house to be, and how clean it really CAN be, considering you have 3 kids, and you work full-time.

Another thing you can do is announce that once a week, you are taking some time to yourself. "Wednesday evenings, I am going to the cafe for 2 hours to read and knit. There are frozen pizzas and canned soup for supper." Your family will survive, and your house won't burn down.

Don't give up T.! Your children need a dad and you need a husband, even if that dad and husband is lazy. Talk with him about it. If he doesn't get it, talk about it with him again and again. It's hard for people to change, and if you've been doing it all for 8 years I can imagine that its going to take some time before he will pitch in and help without prodding him along. Happiness doesn't come easy for anyone. You have to work at it. Schedule a date with your husband. Tell him your feelings, he loves you and you love him, or you wouldn't have been doing it all for the last 8 years for him. If the cleaning is really bothering you, take a little time off from it. Take some time for you, let him have the kids for a night and go shopping just for you or get a pedicure something to make you feel special. You know a dirty house never killed anybody.

T.,

You sound totally overwhelmed. I can relate to what you're going through a lot. I think lots of people have given you great advice in dealing with your husband, and just letting some things around the house go while your kids are small. I'd also advise you to go to Christian counseling. I think your marriage would have a much better shot at succeeding if you choose Christian versus nonchristian because you'll start with a counselor who begins counseling with the assumption that the marriage should be saved, if possible, and then working toward that goal.

Don't forget that in just five years, your youngest will be in kindergarten (maybe four years in 4K), and this difficult part of your life will be over.

I recommend Dr. Laura Shlessinger's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". I balked, at first, at a lot of Dr.Laura's opinions, but came to know that her suggestions really work. The gist is that men are very simple beings, with few needs, and when we meet their needs, they will bend over backward to meet our needs. For my honey, I found that with increased appreciation, attention, and intimacy (initiated by ME, for a change!) he was happy to do more for me. He does 90% of the laundry, changes diapers, cooks dinner at least once a week, and often cleans the kitchen with out me even asking. Your kids deserve both parents. Before you shake their world, give Dr. Laura a try. I'm happy I did.

My advice to to go to counceling and give it your very best shot at making it work. All relationships go through tough times, some more difficult than others. Set aside some time for the 2 of you to have a date night where you can remember all the reasons that brought you together..keep trying and hang in there a while longer. If he says he wants to change, let him try. ...you will get through this and there will be better times a head. For now, just take it one day at a time and hold on to keeping your family together.

All the best, from my family to yours.

I think you have had enough. He is not going to step up and start to help with the house work or taking care of the kids. My ex-husband was the same way and I filed for a divorce, he moved in with his parents ans stayed there until he got married again about 5 yrs later. When I would tell our children that they had to help around the house and pick-up after themselves. I was told that daddy and grandpa and grandma loved them more than I did because they could be messy at their house and a housekeeper was hired to pick up after them. I was a mean mommy to make them pick up.
I think you have given him enough chances. He doesn't want to grow up and accept responsibility for himself or his children. I hope he doesn't play mind games with the kids after you split, but I have a feeling you will. He is a jerk--get rid of him.

Sweetie, you have your hands full with kids so young and at that age they are so needy. Mine are 10, 4, and 3. Last week I watched my 3 month old nephew and my oldest had a friend over. I felt like I was in a zoo! Taking care of them is enough. You really need to let the things go that don't really matter. Noone is going to care if the carpets need to be cleaned or the cupboards dusted. Your 5 and 3 year olds can pick up their own toys. If they do not. We pick up the toys and put them in a big garbage bag and throw then in the garage. They notice really quick when their favorite things are missing. Also, you need an outlet. Something fun that you regularly do whether that be yoga on Monday nights, shopping every Saturday morning with a girlfriend, Whatever is fun for you. Get away from it at least once a week. I get out to play volleyball and let my husband make dinner, bathe, and put the kids to bed. Even if I have an early game I do not go straight home to help him with the kids when it is my night away. It really makes a huge difference and reenergizes you.
I have also found that if I make a list of the things I need to do(which I do every night before going to bed)my husband sees how much I have to do and he offers to help with the things he can do on my list. I learned to do that from my Mary Kay business. We were taught to make a 6 most important things to do list every day to help us get started each day doing something for our business. It worked so great that I applied that to the housework. And I cross them off one at a time. He looks at my list and all the things I have crossed off, what is left, and lets me know how he will help me finish my list.
I agree also with another posting that when you want more from your husband you just need to give him what he needs. It's so true!!! When I tell mine how much I appreciate what he does for me, initiate sex, or help him get his grades done, ect, he in turn tells me more how much he loves me, how hard he thinks I work, and does everything he can to make my life easier. Tells me to go get out with the girls, makes me breakfast in bed, takes the kids to the park so I can have an hour to get what I need to done. He's not perfect nor am I. I just know when I am getting frustrated with our relationship how to get the response I want, and I think after 8 years together you probably know what his needs are too. wish you the best!

Have him go with you to therapy, maybe for a few marriage sessions. He needs to see and really understand the toll it's taking on you. The discussion should be framed not as a gripe session where you complain, it should be a calm-assertive discussion about how you feel the marriage is suffering as a result of the lopsided responsibilities. Put it in language he can understand...how even the pithers in baseball games get switched out for relief pitchers because they are tired and not doing the 'team' any good. He needs to see you both as a team meant to work together. How about sitting down and negotiating who will do what and writing it down. Let him know, it feels disrespectful when he doesn't help and you feel unimportant when he doesn't follow through on promises to help more. Most women just complain without really describing what the change should look like. Give him a picture of how you want things to look in your marriage and tell him you expect him to step up to the plate. Be sure you focus on the ways it's hurting him too so he sees the ways the change will benefit him (you will be in a better mood, maybe in the mood for sex more, won't be cranky at him....) Good luck!

I can see where you are coming from girl! You have 3 kids under the age of 5! That would be stressful for anyone not to mention a working mom. I have two kids, 3 1/2 and 8 months and I struggle with the same things as you do. I have found that giving your children some responsibilites can help out quite a bit. Make them pick up after themselves. Your 5 and 3 yr old may really like the praise you give for a job well done. As for your husband, write it down. I cannot stress it enough. At my house we have a white board that is a catch all. If my husband or I see that we are out of milk or eggs or diapers, you name it, it goes on that board so we know what is needed. Or we need to make time and call the yard guy it is on there or if you need the floor vacuumed ect... It helps for him to see what needs to be done and he seems to just do it without me needing to tell him all the time. People joke about "honey-do" lists, but sometimes men just need to be told what you want them to do. They seem to lack the gene sometimes to be able to look around and see that you are low on paper towels or the house needs dusted! You are not alone but taking the big decision to walk away from a marriage is a big step that should be your very last option. Let your husband know this is a big deal and enforce your form of "white board." But the number one item of advice I can give you is to get on your husbands case if he does do something and he doesn't do it the way you would have done it. If you do, you will be losing the progress you have made because he will think maybe you should be doing it yourself then. I hope this helps!

Yeah you do have a handfull. How about getting the TV Nannie in for both your husband and three kids! Being in Special Education you must have lots of patience and behavioral skills? Another idea is put the chores on Popsicle Sticks and some Free Days on them. Each person takes a stick and that is their chore for the day (minimum) it could color coded so kids too young are not cleaning out the bathroom. This way it can even be fun I hear! What am I going to do today? And it takes YOU out of the Picture. Now it is up to chance. Other thing is talking straight with him: maybe simply say: I don't feel appreciated for all I do. One way I could feel appreciated..... And even can say note how neat the bedroom is every night? Well I have to do XYZ every day after the kids settle down to keep it that way so neat as a pin. People do not realize the effort physically, emotionally etc till they have really Been There. Giving him reminders etc. without upsetting him sound good idea too. Learn to accept what you Can't Change, Change what you CAN Change and Know the Difference between the two. From AA! (my Dad was a Psychiatrist)

Also to reduce your stress, increase his some!
Tell him I have been all day taking care of: and I am taking my 15 minute break you do such and such while I rest! You ARE the BOSS of the household BE ONE!

The good news is you have options because you have an education and a job. Good for you!! I would suggest counseling and if that doesn't work then don't sell yourself short. The best example you can give your children is being true to yourself and your happiness. Good luck and God Bless.

You wouldn't believe what you can acheive in the realm of understanding by taking a vacation and leaving your husband at home with the family (and no help from his mother/sister!). Take whatever you think you need. Long weekend away by yourself? A whole week with a girlfriend or sister? Once you are not there to take care of it all hopefully some empathy will set it. Obviously you need a break - if it has reached the point of breaking for you, then don't wait for him to think it's a good idea for you to take some time off - he probably won't. When you return, gather up all the information needed to pay the bills, put it in a folder and hand it to your husband and say "This is now your job. I'll keep it on the counter/desk for you." You can do this with whatever you can no longer manage to fit into your day. Then DONT DO IT. If you always fall back and do it, it will always be yours. Be firm. Obviously tears don't work.
Good luck T. - we all know what it's like to be overwhelmed and it isn't healthy for that to be a permanant state.
T.

WOw I could have written that. I was going to post something exactly the same but I'll just look at the responses you are receiving. I understand how you feel. It is exhausting. My husband will help for a bit and then back off like yours does. He also doesn't prioritize well. Like this morning he started taping the guest room that we are going to paint tomorrow. Ummmm, the dogs need letting out, our daughter needs to eat ---- need help buddy. Do that later. Annoys the hell out of me. I have thought about asking guy friends to come over and help with small things like taking boxes downstairs. I have to ask my husband 3 and 4 times. Trash always forgets to be taken out. I'm 4 months pregnant and it's getting harder. Sometimes I have also felt that it would be easier not to expect things and just go on about my day. That way it would take away one less stress of, is he going to help me when I can do that myself and just not worry about it.

Hugs,
Ann

T.,
No one can tell you when enough is enough. You have to decide that for yourself. We can be here to support you love you and give you advice though. My advice to you is to sit down and really decide what you want from your marriage. Do you really love your husband and what can you put up with to be with the man you love. If you decide you cant do this anymore then you need to take the next steps. It is better to raise your children alone then in a home where someone is so unhappy. It isn't healthy for you to be so unhappy. I work in a great crisis center for women that offers all sorts of different kinds of classes and therapies. See if there is one in your area. You will meet a lot of women that in your boat. It may not be the exact issues your having but having someone going through much of the same thing as a support really does help.

S.

That sure sounds frustrating but it shouldn't warrant terminating a promise of commitment over. Honestly, I'd tell him what he needed to do, and then I would refuse to do it for him. I have heard this really helps men....like women who want them to take more charge of things, like bills. I have known women who simply stop paying the bills (fulling knowing that they may lose electricity or phone for a few days) until their DH gets it and does it! and...it has WORKED! I also had a dear friend who simply only did laundry that was in teh hamper, enough said. When her husband started complaining, she very sweetly said "oh, I didn't know you had dirty clothes - they weren't in the hamper!" and ya know what? He quickly learned, without confrontation, to put his clothes back. I highly recommend 2 books for ya,"love and Respect" by E. Eggerich (sp?!?!) and "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman. Good luck, and know you're not alone! If you choose to leave, you'll have even more work and baggage to deal with. Blessings!

I know what you are going through. We have 3 and I have done it all over the years (almost 9 now). We are still working on it. My husband has grown along the way, but with baby steps. I recently took a hint from Super Nanny and wrote it all out on paper. Basicly a chore chart. I think it really helped for him to see it in black and white. He's not responsible for much around here, but it was nice to clarify for us both what the expectations are, and he was even willing to take on a few more. He has a hard time having things requested of him in the moment. He can better handle it if it is written down and he knows what to expect and why.
Our oldest child has Autism and I'm finding that some of the things that work with him work for his father too!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate from having a full-time job to raising 3 kids while keeping the house in order. I don't blame you for feeling overloaded especially since it sounds like your husband "does his own thing". Does he do stuff around the house like mow the lawn or fix stuff? Sounds like he does not realize how much work it is to do what you do. From his comment above it sounds like he is aware of your "reaching out" from time to time but by him only helping out for a day or two perhaps he doesn't feel the need to do more because he knows that you will do what needs to be done. You mentioned that you "cried" to your husband for help, is this more of a tirade or a discussion? Maybe your husband sees your relationship having invisible gender roles where the woman takes care of the children and house etc. while the man works. Which is not fair in your case because you work FULL-TIME. Maybe if you see him sitting on the couch while you need help tell him to give so and so a bath or make the formula or tell him the kids would really appreciate or enjoy it if he fill in the blank. Maybe he doesn't know how to help or doesn't want to mess something up. Hope this helps.

My husband is not the most helpful either and I myself have contemplated what it would be like on my own. I don't think I could handle what single parents do - hats off to them for being able to do it! A few things that I plan on trying....

A friend of mine has a chore chart on her fridge - it's one chore a day - that's it. Along with that one chore you also need to pick up the toys and clean the dishes everyday. What I want to try is my husband and I EACH doing a chore. That way he won't feel like I'm nagging him - he can look at the fridge and do his one chore. For example on Tuesday's he can take the trash out to the curb. One day he can clean the litterbox, etc. My suggestion would be to write down all the chores and then take turns picking what chore you want - that way one person doesn't get all the "good" chores.

Another suggestion I was given was to pick one thing that absolutely drives you crazy - example: throwing clothes on floor instead of putting them in the laundry room (which is right next to our room) - tell him that it would really be helpful if he would just put his clothes in a laundry basket at the end of the bed. Do this for a few days until he's good at it and then say, "you've been doing such an amazing job putting your clothes in the laundry basket. That has really been helpful to me. Could you please start putting your dishes in the sink/dishwasher (your choice). That would be such a blessing to me." And so on. Just take small baby steps and give lots and lots of praise!

It's frustrating to me sometimes that I have to dole out tons of praise for the simplest things and I don't feel like I get much thanks in return. I know he appreciates what I do, but it sure would be nice to hear it more often.

I would make sure your children start helping at an early age. My 3 year old knows that if he doesn't pick up his toys and I or my husband has to do it - he loses them for a day. After he's lost his beloved trains for a day he is very good about picking them up for a long time.

-J.

Cleaning is not a divorce issue. I know it is tough, you are at the tough stage of parenting. It is frustrating, overwhelming and exhausting! Your husband is not ever going to change, at least not by nagging and begging.
Later, down the road when the kids are older, you will see that it was just a stage of life and you can manage it. To make it easier you can make it a financial priority to hire someone to do the deep cleaning. I'm not saying that it isn't hard, or even near impossible sometimes, to find the money. But if it is important, it needs to be in the budget.
Trust me, this issue will not seem important in 10 years. I've gone through this, myself. I have 7 kids and my husband has cleaned only a handful of times in our 19 years of marriage. I've tried everything, including not cleaning. Now, some of the kids are older, they help, I let some things go if I need to, and my husband does not help, but I am not stressed about it anymore. My husband does not complain about the house if it doesn't stay clean, though. If you aren't willing to help, shut your trap.

I'm not sure if not getting enough help would be a deal breaker in your marriage. Are there any other underlying issues that you 2 are having? Maybe the not helping is just the tip of the iceburg, or maybe it's just wearing you down doing it all yourself. Either way I would continue with the therapy and remember that you're not alone. I'm sure there are plenty of husbands out there that don't carry their full load around the house. Mine's one of 'em! =)

You can't make him change he has to want to and doesn't sound like he's interested.

If he won't help or contribute in any way why have him around is what I'd be asking myself. Marriage is suppose to be like teamwork and doing things to show your love, appreciation and kindness to one another doesn't sound like that happens in your marriage.

If he's not doing anything what would be the difference if he were gone? Sounds like your already a single mom to FOUR children.

When my husband and I went through marriage counselling one of the things they suggested was a chore table and rotate duties every week. It seems a bit childish to have to do it. You can see what needs to be done, why can't he.....but after all he is only a man.

So what you could do is make a list of things that need to get done on a daily or weekly basis and assign names to the duties. You might be able to include your 5 yo in on some as well. Then the next week change it up. That way you don't get stuck doing the dishes every week if you hate doing the dishes. Maybe make a punishment if you don't do your duties. Like $5 bucks in a jar or the other person gets a night off.

Just an idea. Mind you we tried it about 8 yrs ago and it worked then, but we don't do it now. But it was one thing that help save our marriage.

Good Luck.

Well, you certainly have received a ton of advice! I hope some of it will help you go in the right direction. No one can tell you what to do, however. You have to do what is right for you -- and your family.
Counseling is a great start. You may also want to check out the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It will help you (and hopefully your husband) realize what each other needs/wants in order to feel "full" in their relationship.
Good luck in whatever road you decide to travel!

I agree with lots of the posters and I won't repeat them. I just want to add one thing. Take a hard look at how you act when he does help for that day or two. Is he getting plenty of positive feedback from you or are you micromanaging how he does things? Everyone does better if they see a reward to the extra work so try to come up with a motivator for him. And if he chooses to complete a task differently than you would, make sure you don't try to change it or redo it.

Also start including the 2 older kids in the chores. We have recently started using Accountable Kids here and it is fantastic with lots of positive reinforcement and opportunities for lessening the amount of work and nagging I need to do. One of the great things aout the program is the family forum concept where issues can be talked out as a family and tasks for the week planned. http://www.accountablekids.com/

Also make sure you are crediting him with all the other tasks he might be doing around the house or yard. I find myself feeling like he never helps around the house with cleaning or cooking but then I have to stop and remember that my DH accomplishes a lot of other things that we might otherwise need to hire someone (repair work, house maintenance, etc).

Good luck!

T.,

I have often said I don't want to be your mother, I want to be your wife!

Another thought that is easy to say, but hard to really grip - you can't change anyone.

If you always do what you always do, you will always get what you have gotten before.

Try a new way of dealing with things.

For better or worse, no one thinks about the worse when you are head over heels engaged to someone.

I was just talking to my sister about something almost identical to what you have said and her thought came across a woman who put bricks in a backpack, one brick for each burden she had involving her husband and then had him put it on. He broke down and had a new perspective.

I often think if you pray for patience or strength, you are not just given it, but rather an opportunity to practice patience or build strength.

Think outside the box, do some things to nuture, protect or build on your self. Change the focus and know that you will be ok and things can get better, just be proactive, make a plan and stay focused.

Hang in there and find a friend, sister or someone for support.

J.

Well now, where should I begin. I am a mother of now 18 yr old TWINS... It hasn't been easy for me either, but it does get easier as the kids get bigger and see the stress you have to deal with. They will help in most cases (keeping in mind they're kids). Don't give them too much to do to help you. If your at where I think you are... this should help you; and them later in life.
As for that BIG kid... maybe for a couple of days JUST do the nessesities; feed the kids, keep them clean but let the house work go for a while. When HE needs clothes washed or any after hours care be too tired. Maybe this will get his attention. If he doesn't know how to do it be willing to show him. Possibly when you go grocery shopping next time have HIM watch the kids, be gone for about 2 hours. Make up a white lie as to why it took that long; talked to friends, couldn't find something, etc. He may respect you enough to be willing to help daily if he gets a taste of how it could be when you go back to work and he watched the kids. You know!!! Hang in there. It does get better.

What does your therapist say? I would seek counseling together and see if that gets results.

You could try letting somethings go. Let the dishes pile up or his laundry. My dad started doing his own laundry when my mom didn't get it done soon enough (after much complaining and my mom telling him to do it himself he he didn't like her way). Go weeks without vacuuming. The world keeps turning no matter what we do and it sounds like you are too stressed to enjoy your children.

Remember, you don't have to be perfect. I'm reading the book "Moms need time outs too". It a good reminder that you can't be perfect and sometimes you just need to do things just for you.

update: I've read some of the other posts and I agree with write it down. I made a To Do List for myself. My husband saw it on the table and started doing things on the list. My husband is pretty helpful to begin with so you'll probably have to do more coaxing.

Leaving is not going to make your life any easier, it's only going to get harder to have to do it ALL on your own. The grass is NOT greener on the other side! You need to take a hard look at yourself and figure out what I can do to make my husband look at me the way he did when he married me. I am somewhat struggling with this same issue but I would never think of leaving my husband over it. With men you need to brake it down for them and not overwhelm them or nag them or make them do something that is not in there nature to do. Give you husband praise when he helps out and make a big deal out of it, hug him, kiss him and reward him like crazy and he'll soon figure out the benefits of helping out. Also get your kids to help out, give them chores to do and who cares if it's not done perfectly at least they are helping. And give yourself a night off and go out with your girlfriends once in a while to releave your stress. I hope this helps.

Wow, 8 years is a lot of time waiting for help. It depends on how you truly feel, like if you want to work on "saving" the marriage or not.

Sounds a little silly, but could you give him a small task at first, one that you don't really care if it gets done or not, and make that his ONE thing that needs to be done, and then gradually add more? If he's acting like a child treat him like one, constantly remind him etc. but then when he does do it, reward him. repeat process until you no longer have to remind him?

I mean he IS an adult and SHOULD be capable of helping even w/out your reminders but you have to undo 8 years of not listening. Sounds like you have a handful at your house, good luck!

I've been in a similar position, T.. One thing I did was read the book "Sink Reflections" by Marla Cilley. I put all her points in place and felt much better about my self, my life, and my house. And in the end I left and divorced him after 20+ years together. Now he has the house and our daughter (half the time) and he does what he needs to do. No one can tell you what to do, whether it would be harder or easier divorced, or what the effect on your children might be. (Lots of studies show children do just fine after divorce, however). You know of course that you can't change him, but you can change how you show up in your marriage, which means he will have to respond differently. This won't be resolved quickly, so do what you can to take care of yourself, and your mental and physical health.

As an ex-Navy wife, who spent almost all the time with her children, as Dad was always gone, I found out you do it, if you have to. As for him helping and he is there all the time and I hold an 8-hour regular job, I would tell him to put up or shut up. You may be better off by yourself, at least you would probably get more help from friends or family.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My husband and I are kind of going through the same thing, but we so far only have one child. I can't imagine handling 3 (4 w/hubby) and a full time job working with special needs.
The only thing he has said to me is that he can't read my mind--I tend to hold things in and just start doing things myself because at the time it seems easier and then when I get overwhelmed it's partly my own fault for not asking for help as I was going along and instead waited until I was beside myself and in tears--where it sounds like you've gotten plenty of times. So maybe your husband just needs some hand holding (I feel like "Why the hell should I have to do that" too!) because he doesn't see what needs to be done on a daily basis like you do and you've been doing everything yourself for so long he hasn't needed to look. A lot of Men need things laid out VERY specifically. Sit down and lay out all of the things you'd like him to do on a daily or weekly basis and also what you will be doing so that he can see on paper that it's equal. You'll still have to remind him every day. I've never wanted to be a naggy wife, but my husband almost needs me to be so that he knows what he needs to do to keep me from going crazy. We've been living in our house for 5 yrs now with the same garbage day for that whole time and wouldn't you know it just this past garbage day was the FIRST time he got that damn garbage out without a reminder from me AND did all the little garbages (bathroom, bedrooms,etc)!! I almost cried happy tears! It is still hard for me to ask him to do things I think are obvious, like take the baby for 5 minutes when you get home from work so I can have a little break (I've been home more over the summer months), but he won't take her unless I ask him to. SO ASK, ASK, NAG, and ASK--don't keep things in and try to do it all yourself.
After 8 years of marriage like that, I'd be ready to throw in the towel too. If he really loves you and the kids and wants to be in the marriage then he should be willing to try to help out more AND go to counseling, if that's what you really want! He should realize how important it is to you. Good Luck.

Hi,

Wow, do I feel for you. I am a SAHM, married for 11 yrs. with two kids, 7 and 4 and I also do daycare for my 2 yr. old nephew. I have also often wondered how happy I am in my marriage, though my issues are mostly different from yours. Early on in our marriage, however, I too felt my husband didn't carry his own weight as far as household duties were concerned. A couple things worked for me in getting him to do more. #1-I stopped cleaning up after him. If that meant that his dirty socks were lying around the living room when people came over, oh well. He got the picture. To this day I don't do his laundry if it's lying on the floor, not in the hamper. #2-We decided on designated jobs. In our case, I did laundry and he did dishes. Once again, it only took a time or two of no clean dishes for him, and he got the picture.

Keep in mind, if you try either of these ideas, you have to stick to your guns, no matter how crazy the messes may make you, or how embarrassed you may be when company shows up. If anyone makes a comment, just let them know that it's your husband's job, you do other chores.

I do applaud you for going to counseling. Even if he never joins you, it's only going to help. I wish you the best!

L.

Wow, you are a busy lady. It is pretty much the same way at our house. Often when I get off work at 7:30, the kids have not even had supper unless my 14 year old was home and made it for them. What I started doing is just taking an evening for myself here and there. I don't tell my husband about it until the night before because he would come up with reasons that I couldn't go. Then I get together with the girlfriends and we have a movie night, or even just go to Lakeside Creamry and have coffee or iced tea or even just go for a walk...alone. Doesn't cost a lot but it certainly recharges my batteries. Have you thought of doing something like that? Hang in there.
Another thing that I have done is stop doing his laundry, just leave it in a pile near the washer. When he asks about it just tell him that you cannot do everything and since he will not help the only alternative is to cut some things out. Since he is a big boy, he should be able to do his own laundry. He may decide that it is better to have a partnership!

Sounds like there is a lot of issues going on. You both need to get into counseling and marriage counseling. Your kids deserve it, for you to give it a shot. Be honest with him about your feelings and where you see things heading if things don't change. You need to find what brought you together in the first place again, and work on building and maintaning that relationship. Best wishes.

That is such a hard question. It's wonderful you're in therapy, it'll help you sort out what to do. It is very difficult because you have children. If it was just you, you'd be gone, I'm sure. No one should make that decision for you, or tell you what to do, only you can make it happen. If you own your decision to stay or go, it'll be easier than if you're pushed to do something you're not ready for. You have to stay in therapy to help you decide. You will. You need to talk to your husband, see what's expected from both sides. And it takes work. ALso, talking to other women helps. You'll discover that there is a lot of unhappiness out there...not just your own. As for loving your husband, it's hard to feel the love when you're feeling the resentment. BUt, sometimes, a couples counseler and new communication can do wonders. See if your husband will go with you.. He may not be able to see the strain you're under. I used to get angry at people until I realized that some people just have no idea what your life is like....GOod luck. I'll think of you.

As Ann Landers always use to ask... Would you be better off with or without him?
Sounds to me like it might actually be easier without your husband because then you wouldn't be angry that he's not helping and it would save you from having to help out one more "kid." He wants a mother, not a wife and doesn't seem like he'll change.
Secondly, have you consider antidepressents? It won't make your husband any better or more helpful but it could definitely help you feel better.
Good luck. You've got some tough decisions to make.

T.,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this, but as many others have said, you are not alone. My husband and I have been married for five years. He sounds very similar to your husband in that he did nothing and I did everything. Anything he did do I nagged him to complete. He always told me that everything should not be on my time schedule. We talked about it and he would change for a couple of days and then right back to the same old thing.

I have thought about divorce, but I did say for better or for worse and I was definately in the worse. I realized, when it came down to it, I loved my husband and wanted to come home and see him at the end of the day. I asked him if he felt the same way and he did. I also could not even imagine not being with my 18 month old daughter everyday and having to take turns.

We started seeing a counselor. What it made me realize is that men and women think very differently. I thought making him a list of things that needed to get done was a negative honey do list which people frequently frown on. What I learned is that is how my husband responds the best and how he it wanted things to be. I would love him to be able to see what needs to be done without me telling him, but if I write it on a list for him and he will get it done, we can both be happy. Through counseling I have learned much more about my husband and he about me and how together we can make it work. It will not work if I do everything and he does nothing, but together we can be wonderful (obviously we still have our bad days). Counseling has been great (even though I did not want to go in the first place). My husband and I have gotten much closer, we go on dates and enjoy spending time together individually and as a family.

I think in the long run, give it a chance. If you love him it is worth it.

Good luck!
M.

Go pick up anything you can get your hands on by Christopher West. He is Catholic and you can tell, but his view and advise is the best I have run into. His books really helped me to see what it is to be married!

I just want to say do not stay in a relatio9nship that you are not happy in for your kids. Kids realize alot more then we think. Believe me I am actually staying in a relationship that I am not real happy in for my kids, but in the long run my kids are paying the price. And your husband did tell you for a fact that you have been talking on dead ears for 8 years, so I will tell you if he has not changed yet he won't. You can't change him no matter how much you want to. If you want to chat more my personal e mail is ____@____.com free to contact me if you want.

Tracy,

My advice is to just take a step back. Sometimes I feel that way about my husband, but then I start to think of the things he does do for us, rather than focusing on the things he doesn't. I have 2 children, 19 months and 7 months, and during the first 6 months I was very overwhelmed and had postpartum depression. I cried and yelled and told him he wasn't doing anything...I even took antidepressants to cope. What helped us the most was taking one night a week that we would go out together WITHOUT the kids. We get a babysitter and go out to dinner, movies, drinks...just to reconnect. We have been doing that for about a month and things have drastically changed in our relationship and most importantly in my mood. I would not throw in the towel, kids need their mom and their dad. I think you may just need to reconnect as husband and wife, rather than just mom and dad! I hope this helps!

I've been married for 3 and my husband doesn't pitch in much either.. What has started to work for me is daily reminders,since he claims he forgets! So i write it down!
While I'm at work we write down everything that needs to be done around the house! If he does even 1 or 2 things that's great and i just keep praising him, (hoping he'll do more next time) it's not worth spiltting up over.. but I know how hard it is to make sure you have clean laundry and cooked food around all the time! I also like the idea of hiring a cleaning service for a short time. hopefully he'll see how much they get paid and how long it takes them and realize you are doing all this work by yourself!

E. B.
Have a toothache? getting braces or LASIK?
EveryoneBenefits.com/Beaumont
Wanna work from home?
FreedomAtHomeTeam.com/RainingBlessings

I'm temped to tell you that enough IS enough. I wouldn't take it. I'd leave him in the squalor. Save your cash and then take a vacation alone, god knows you deserve it! A good hotel with a pool and whatever, take a girlfriend!! This will do 2 things: 1. YOU WILL GET A MUCH NEEDED BREAK 2. Husband will see what it is like. He may never change. If he won't give you a break, please give yourself one. Good luck!!!!

I think you've gotten a lot of good avice and I'll just echo what I think you can do to make the situation better. First, people don't change over time. If anything, they become more of themselves. So, he will not change. Once you really realize this and accept it, you may look at things differently. Also, you will need outside help. Figure out what you can afford and go get the help you need. I need help cleaning so I hired someone to clean my house every other week. This helps immensly as the deep cleaning gets done and then in between, I only have to do light cleaning. This leavs room for everythihg else, and room for me to spend quality time with the kids. Good luck!

We divided up the household chores. There are things that he does/respondsible for & stuff that is my job to get done.
And we have a lot of things on a schedule, like grocery shopping is done every Sat night by him, he laundry on Sundays while he watches sports on TV, I get the checkbook up to date & pay all the bills on Sunday, etc.

You cannot do it all yourself & your kids are too young to take care of themselves. You work full-time & you need your husband to pull his full weight, not help out, he needs to be solely respondsible for household chores. As the kids get older, they can take on more like put their own clothes away, etc.

Don't ask him to help, b/c that seems more like "help me this one time." Write down all the chores (including lawn care) and split them up fairly.