Hi all,
I am 1 month postpartum with my second baby. I also have a 4 year old boy. I remembered how hard it was to have a newborn, so I thought I was mentally prepared, but of course it's different having 2 now and it's been hard having my older son acting out a lot, throwing tantrums, melting down, feeling the lack of attention, etc. I have suffered from anxiety and depression off and on for years, and I probably had PPD with my first child. I felt much better this time around, having a much easier birth experience and have just generally felt better. I also initially felt it was easier having ny older son too, because he distracted me from all the tedious tasks of having a newborn.
My husband has been off work with me and we are splitting the night shift with me going to bed right after my older son around 7:30 or 8, and then he would wake me about 12:30 so I was getting a few hours in before doing a couple more night feedings. This was going great, but a few days ago, I started to have a little trouble falling asleep after the late feedings. Then last night, I couldn't go to sleep at 7:30. It's like every time I start to drift off my brain startles me awake, like the way that it would if you were drifting off when you're not supposed to, as if I'm driving or trying to watch a movie or something. So last night I got up and hung out with my husband and drank some wine, then I was eventually able to go to sleep. Not a good habit to get into.
Anyway, when I looked it up I saw that insomnia is a common symptom of PPD, and I realized that over the last couple of days I've really developed a lot of symptoms. I thought they would have been there from the beginning, but it seems that it has really just started. I feel terrible saying this, but I feel as though I have let down my older son by having this baby, because I can't give him the attention he deserves. I also feel bad saying that I had forgotten how it's kind of unrewarding caring for a newborn baby who doesn't smile or anything. When I pictured having 2 children, I didn't think about this part of it. I just pictured my 2 kids playing together. I feel dumb now. :/
Just wondering if anyone has felt these things or experienced any of this. I know that "this too shall pass" but it feels like forever and I'm having a hard time appreciating everything right now, even though I know that it supposedly goes by too fast. So I feel guilty and ashamed. And totally stressed out that both kids are asleep at this hour and I know I won't be able to go to sleep! :(
I plan to contact my therapist and OB on Monday, but that feels a million miles away. Thanks for any pearls of wisdom.
You need a good girlfriend right now. Husband and kids are not able to satisfy good old-fashioned girl time.
You need someone to talk to you about girly stuff. Do you have someone like that? GO TO HER AND DEMAND SOME GIRL TIME! lol
CK, I have been where your at. Its so hard when the baby is so small and the next one is big. my daughter was 6 when my son was born. i had another son 17 months later and then 6 years later another son. (I was a little nuts lol) But back to your post. Do call you dr. It will help. They can give you something for the anxiety but more than likely just need some good sleep. Your 4 year old will adjust to having a sibling. And while he may not enjoy it now as the little one grows and he is able to play he will love it also. Don't try to go to sleep so early. I would go to sleep when your tired and when the baby needs to be fed then feed it. Unless your trying really hard to get a set schedule then it doesn't matter when the baby eats. You will fall into a routine. and while it may be making your husband feel like he's helping its really not for him to wake you. As far as a glass of wine. it will be ok. my dr told me to drink some beer once as it helps milk production. I hate beer but I slept good that night lol. I think your trying to hard to make yourself sleep when your not really tired. maybe keep the baby up later . we always tried to do a late feeding about 10pm and then got to sleep until about 2 or 3. maybe adjusting your time will help. and I am right there with you feeling like a squalling, pooping machine is not always so enjoyable. but it gets better. hugs to you.
Baby #1 is hard because everything is new and you are never quite sure if you are doing the right things at the right times. And if you voice that concern there are plenty of people who are willing to let you know how wrong you are.
Baby #2 is different. You are comfortable in your role as a mom but aren't sure how to juggle 2 little people with 2 totally different needs. The baby is up constantly day and night so you are up a lot at night and the older child is up all day to you can't get any rest during the day. You end up tired, overwhelmed, and feeling like you are failing at parenting. Been there done that.
Here's the deal. You are doing fine. You are too tired right now to appreciate what you have. That's ok. It'll pass soon enough. Just try to get a little help from your family to get a little time. See if they'll watch your baby so that you can do something fun with your older child. Most of all remember that we've all been in your same position. What you picture in your head isn't what your real life seems to be. Hang in there and trust that you are doing a good job. I always said that if you end the day with the same number of children you started with and everyone is fed and happy then you did good.
I only had baby blues and not ppd. I can also get really down and depressed if I don't sleep enough. One thing I do when the thoughts get really negative or morbid, is to remind myself that its only feelings and thoughts . Feelings and thoughts are not indicative of reality.
But for practical advice, involve your son in the care of that baby. It will give him something to do, help him appreciate all that goes into taking care of a baby, and help him bond. I let my toddlers do the "final wipe". That is I cleaned the baby 100% but told my toddler baby needed one more wipe. Have toddler fetch diapers, and burp clothes, help with bath time and even burp the baby.
This is so common in our culture. Do you know what Amish women do after having a baby? Nothing. For 6-8 weeks, they are waited on hand and foot by their friends and family. No one expects the mother to do anything but take care of the baby and herself, no cleaning, no cooking, no washing, NOTHING. Guess how common PPD is in the Amish? Practically non-existent.
Cut yourself some slack. Spend time with your older son watching tv and letting him hold the baby while sitting next to you on the couch. Have him be your "fetcher", he can get the baby's diapers and wipes, get you a glass of water, blankets, etc... Four year olds have many skills, and they LOVE to help, use this to your advantage. By age 3, my kids were sweeping the floor, wiping tables, running all over the house for me to retrieve things I needed, making simple sandwiches, folding laundry, dusting...and it was all like play to them.
Slow down, let the house go, hire some help or enlist some friends and family to come over once a day to straighten up. Sleep whenever you can. And for goodness sake, have a glass of wine after the last night feeding if you want to, it'll be out of the breastmilk by the next feeding.
Hang in there. I had severe PPD, due to my mental illness. Those days are kind of a blur, but I found a few things that did help:
Have someone you can call when you need to vent.
Find something constructive to do when you are awake, don't lay there worrying about it, that is the worst thing you can do.
Read, start a scrap book, watch tv, organize your book shelves, give yourself a manicure, take a LOOOONG shower, just make a list :)
Let go of the expectation that you will sleep the same as you did before, you won't. Take advantage of the times when everyone else is asleep and no one needs you! Use that time to take care of you, or finish projects you can't do while the kids are around.
It's okay. Give yourself a break. It's hard to have two. It changes the
dynamics & workload.
You'll adapt.
You'll figure it out as you go along.
It will all be ok & even out.
Hang in there.
Take things one day at a time.
Relax when you can, sleep when you can.
Take help when offered.
Let the house work go for now.
The kids WILL play together...later...just not quite this minute.
Keep sight of what is truly important.
They will play together....just not right now.
Keep doing the schedule w/your hubby as you are doing.
As far as sleep, do your best "not to think" before bed, make your room
cozy (having said that I've had to sleep on the couch at times), drink
some cozy tea before bed etc.
Accept help when offered.
It will get better. Be flexible in your plans AND schedule!
A glass of wine per day with your husband isn't a bad thing. You do realize a LOT of other countries serve wine with every evening meal? We're just about the only one I can think of that stresses about wine. This does NOT make you an alcoholic or something. When I was in college the American Heart Association said drinking a glass of wine per day was good for your heart and it was a good thing to come home and have that routine to relax. That it helped blood pressure.
Now if you're nursing the baby I'd say drinking wine is really not a good thing.
What was your normal, before pregnancy, bedtime? When did you feel sleeping and tired and want to go to bed....no, you can't say 4pm...we'd all sneak in a nap wouldn't we.
If you went to bed normally at 7:30 then your body should be going down for the night around then now.
IF you didn't go to bed that early and were like the rest of us and stayed up after the kiddo was in bed and cleaned house, did chores, washed dishes, etc...then went to bed somewhere around 11pm that's your problem.
Your body is recuperating from having the baby and you don't need as much rest. You can't go to sleep because you're healed up now and you are going back to your normal patterns.
I think you and hubby should switch. You stay up after kiddo goes to bed and do your normal stuff. Then he can go to bed and sleep at 7:30 to wake up later and stay up with baby at night. This will give you some solid sleep hours at your normal time.
That will help you too. Getting off routine is harder on some than others. Also PDD is not something to ignore. You might want to make an appointment with the OB/GYN and find out what they'd like to do.
You are SO normal =) I think MANY women can relate to what you are describing, so much that we are all going to tell you that YES, this too shall pass. However, you DO need to talk with your OB because sometimes it's helpful to take something during this time of hormonal craziness! Keep communicating. BIG hugs. Connect with other moms. Get some extra support during the day, if you can. Take the load off of yourself wherever you can. This is a phase---it will change and then you'll be into a new one =)
