Not Ready for Teenage Behavior at Age 7

We went thru something similar with my 7 yr old son. We explained that he needs to stop and there will be plenty of time for girls when he gets older. I'm active in his school and classroom, and I do see that the kids are 'feeling their oats' about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but it's similar to what they go thru with same-sex friends. One day they have a best friend, next day they have a new best friend. Just make sure your daughter knows your feelings on it, stay involved, and I think you'll be fine.

Dear C.

Wow! I feel for you because i too have a son and daughter that age and had to also face a similar problem earlier this year. My son came home and told me he was in love and that this girl had taken to kissing him on the lips at school. I explained that this is not appropriate for his age and that only adults do that kind of thing. When it continued i spoke to his teacher and made it clear that i did not want this kind of thing happening. She then addressed the whole class and explained that there is nothing wrong with kissing if you are and adult and that she did not want to see anyone doing that sort of thing. It has stopped. Thank God. I just wanted to say that i believe if there is a certain behaviour that we don't like then it should always be out. In other words if you don't want your daughter to wear certain clothes and make-up then from here on it is out all of the time. You wouldn't let her eat with her feet on the table at home and then expect her not to do that in other peoples homes. So don't allow her to do things at home that you don't want her doing out of the home. For example my husband and i really don't like the idea of tatoos so our children are not even allowed to put on the false ones. They may as an adult decide to do it anyway but i hope that by making it a no go now it will always be a no go. We need to practice what we preach. I don't allow my children to whatch things that may show behaviour i don't approve of and that includes a lot of these so called teen sitcomes like 'hanna montana' and 'high school musical' because they portray children like they are adults. So keep talking with your daughter and perhaps if you are really unhappy about her friendship with this boy you need to make an excuse so that they don't have any more playdates. Good luck!!

I totally feel for you. Although you have a girl acting like a teen and I have a boy acting like a teen. It is so hard as a parent to comprehend how that sleeping angel snuggled up with his elmo can act so defiant, rude and generally "teen-ager-y" during the day. I have a theory that parents of these types of children have it a bit luckier that the parents of the "late bloomer" type kid.

I think that we are going through a sort of "first phase" of puberty. It doesn't start with the body in these kids but the brain. So being first born kids with younger siblings, my guys are 6 and 2 also, they tend to have a bit more responsibility so therefore they think they are more grown up than they really are. They feel like, "My parents can count on me to be reponsible so I should be able to do some grown-up things too" Then they pick the one grown- up thing they want in their life. For your little girl it sounds like boyfriend, for my little guy it is cursing, heavy rock music (a la rage against the machine), skateboarding and grown up tv shows. When my guy has friends over he likes to try to impress them with his mp3 player that has bad word songs on it. I have to tell him that if he does that his friends will go right home. I am not going to be the one to introduce the neighborhood kids to Rage or Rob Zombie.

As I said I think we are lucky to be going through this now. We still have the power to say "You will not do that , You will do ..." and they have to listen because they don't know yet that they have a choice. Having this behaviour happen now also gives us the opportunity to figure out what approach to take when the time comes to deal with the real teenager stuff. But also they may grow out of all that stuff by then and decide it is too "baby-ish" to act that way to their parents.
I hope that is what happens.

I guess my best advice as a mom going through it too is to let it ride, keep an eye on her and try to keep the behaviour at a minimum and remember that this will pass and some other new and crazy thing will come out of this wonderful little person soon enough.

good luck

Dear C.,
I, too, am a registered nurse,but very active. I am currently the Assistant Director for a Practical Nursing program. I have 2 children, a daughter, 21 and a son, 18.
I must say that I never came across that problem when my children were that age. They acted like children. Perhaps the problem is things that they may be seeing or hearing in school. It might be helpful to have a meeting with the teacher and the little boy's mother to discuss your concerns. You may want to speak to Beyonce's parents as well.
Are you sure there is a Beyonce in your daughter's class and she isn't just talking about the singer? What types of programs do you allow your daughter watch? Maybe some of what she is exhibiting is things she may be watching on television.
I am trying to recall my daughter at 7, but I know things have changed so much in the past 14 years. My daughter didn't start experimenting with make up until she was in middle school and was embarassed when she forgot to wipe the lipstick off that she had put on before she took her class pictures in 7th grade. She didn't wear make up again until her boyfriend's prom when they were in high school. I do know she began experimenting with sex when she was 14. She came to me after the fact, crying and saying that she didn't think I would love her anymore because of it. I assured her that I would never stop loving her, but wished she had come to me before then so we could have made sure she took some precautions. That was her first trip to the gyn.
I guess my advice to you is to continue to talk to your daughter. If she is old enough to kiss boys and act like she has a boyfriend, then she is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions.
I recall my mother discussing sex and menstruation with me and my sister when I was 8 and she 7. I remember that conversation to this day. So, I believe that the things you instill in your daughter now will be with her for the rest of her life.
Children are having sex younger and younger now. You have to start discussing this with them at a much earlier age. Don't wait until something happens. Be open and frank with your daughter and assure her that she can come to you and talk about anything. Help her to feel comfortable about that.
As far as make up and the way she dresses, keep in mind that you are the one in control of that right now. She can only wear what you buy her to wear. She can only put on make up if you make it available to her. I have never worn make up so it was not readily accessible in my home. My daughter tried on another friend's make up at school, but was sure to wipe it off before she came home. She knew my feelings about that for someone that age. Not until I saw her picture did I even know she had put it on, and she said that she had forgotten about it.
I know we can't protect our children from everything that happens outside our home, but we can make other parents and the school aware of what is going on. Remember "it takes a village." If you do not want your daughter doing things outside your home that you do not allow inside, then you need to make that clear to everyone involved, most importantly your daughter. Do not allow her to wear make up at home if you don't want her to do it when she is not. Explain to her why you think this is inappropriate at her age. She might get mad at you, but she will get over it, and she will be okay, as will you.
I hope I have helped some what. Take care and be blessed.

V.

My 5 yr old had a boyfriend, and it lasted, fairly innocently, I assume for a year or so. At 6, at her birthday party, they sat on the same chair at the scoreboard table while they and her other friends went bowling. when his mom came and saw them together, she asked me if it was too much, and to let her know if he was too overbearing. I just thought it was cute, and didn't make anything of it. that particular child has always enjoyed mixed company, and has made sure the venues for her birthday parties were such that boys would want to come, too, because a lot of her friends at school are boys. She's 14 now, doesn't wear make-up (her choice), and does NOT wear skimpy clothing -- also her choice. She's very modest, and we keep the heat on low to save money in the winter, so sweatshirts are the clothing of choice at home -- and sometimes a blanket, too, if they are playing video games or reading.

At 7, I would be careful not to make too much out of what is going on. Even if the kids kiss, it is much more innocent than even a friendly kiss at your age. I would be more concerned about hiding under the table to kiss than a quick kiss in public. If all their behavior is in public, then you can be sure it won't go very far.

On the other hand, at 7, they should be more active than sitting around watching tv together. Why don't you invite him to come for a play date when the family goes bike riding together ? oops -- forgot about the 2 yr old. We had a backpack for the younger kids, and went hiking as a family (day hikes -- like an hour or so), and that is something you could do. I would prefer them DOING things, playing games, croquet, swingsets, legos, etc., more than sitting around watching tv.

I think you are right to be concerned, but you should also simply watch. They are playing a big game of pretend here, and it'll probably die of its own accord. If that happens, I wouldn't expect her to go out and find another boyfriend at her age. I would think that what would really die is the "idea" of a boyfriend. From ages 8 to 10, most kids tend to avoid the other gender, until they hit 7th grade. In 7th and 8th grade, I'd be concerned about kissing, but probably not in 1st or 2nd.

I also gave my kids real make-up (albeit cheap stuff) to play with as children. I know moms who thought that was awful, but I thought it was much softer on the skin than the play stuff they sell. I also didn't care if they colored their faces with it as kids. What's funny is that I have 4 girls, and NONE of them wear makeup ! the 12 yr old said some of her friends are wearing it, but she thinks it's stupid. Whatever. I told her I wouldn't mind if she wore some, but I'm not into painting up the face big time -- plus she is getting contacts, and I don't want her eyes irritated, but I didn't share that, because I didn't want to worry her about her new lenses.

Both of my girls played dress-up as kids. Usually piling the clothes on, more than taking it off, but, again, we kept the winter temp around 65, so who would want to dress down?
Neither of teen or my almost-a-teen wear skimpy clothing They don't want their belly buttons showing, and they prefer 1-piece bathing suits for comfort. (They wear speedos with T-backs) They wear sports bras because they like them better than training bras. They are both thin and would look nice in some of today's fashions, but I keep my nose out of it, because, hey, they've made some very modest choices, and who would I be as a Mom if I took the modesty away ? It's their best protection right now !! :-)

With that aging perspective, I think you will find that somewhere around 8 or 9, modesty will arrive. And if you allow it, and perhaps encourage it at that point, they won't want you to show up in the bathroom, sometimes, even just when they are combing hair. My girls are more modest than I am, partly because their bodies are changing and it embarrasses them. I firmly believe that it was my own modesty and "body-shyness" that kept me from doing things I ought not have done in high school (with boys), and far be it from me to want to break down that modesty with my own girls. You'll know it when it comes. You won't be allowd in at bath or shower time, etc. They will want privacy, and if you respect that privacy, they will build the boundary around themselves, and it will help them to keep some things private as they go into their teen years. Certainly it's not the only way to encourage abstainance, but it's another one in Mom's arsenal.

It's a little scary to see kids mimic adult behavior. But that's also how they learn. They learn respect and love in relationship by seeing how Mom and Dad both love and respect each other. They see Mom and Dad kiss, and they don't know the rest, so they perhaps mimic that. They see that Mom and Dad are happy, and it's the joyful security they are really mimicing more than anything else. enjoy them. The innocence they bring to these activities can be a lot of fun to watch, silly as it is. But you are also right to be concerned and to keep an eye and a lid on the behaviors. Kids see so much on TV these days, even just on the ads that come on during family time, that there is WAY too much out there to mimic - stuff you don't want them to ape. So watch, be careful, but also try not to worry unless things get out of hand. I suspect they behaviors won't go very far because the hormones aren't there to fuel them. :-)

Good luck !! :-)

You have a great opportunity to teach her while she is young enough to still pay attention to you!

We once passed a young woman really wobbling in stillettos and belly shirt. I talked to my daughter right there about how some people don't know that what they see on TV doesn't work well in real life. How she must be cold and how it didn't look very easy to walk any distance.

With the kissing thing, we had a similar incident and talked about how much I liked Daddy but that I didn't go kissing Daddy right away I got to know him and we talked a lot to make sure he was as nice as I thought he was. Then I made sure when "the boyfriend" came over they had playdoh, water balloons, fingerpaints, etc. It was more work but it taught her. I talked about how there are lots of people that she will always see doing things different than us and it isn't wrong for them but it isn't what we want to do.

I would also get your husband involved. If she's looking for male attention, make sure your husband gives her positive reinforcement. I know from personal experience how girls look for male attention elsewhere when Daddy isn't giving it. While I do think you should talk to her about how to be a lady. Let your husband show her how a gentleman should treat a lady. Have him take her out on a Daddy-Daughter date and he can talk to her too. Make sure you're on the same page though.

Just my 2 cents!

HI C.. I have three girls (their birthdays are in March too!) and two of them went through similar "loves" when they were about 7. I myself had a "boyfriend" when I was in Kindergarden and 1st grade. Your best bet is to not over-react and keeping it as simple as possiable. Tell her simple clear-cut rules, Hugs are okay, but NO kissing or sunggling boys (except for Daddy and Grandpa) until your 16 yrs old. No make-up until your 13. If she says "My frind Suzzyjo does....." Tell her that's between Suzzyjo and her Mommy and she is your daughter and you expect her to follow YOUR rules. Remember to keep it simple...the simpler the better!

As far as clothes go, it is really tough to keep them on the right track with clothes. With all the skimpy "fashions" out there you really have to watch for age approaite stuff. My youngest is a really "fashion" bug too. She loves to wear skirts, dresses, high heels, hose, the works and always has, more than once I have really had to put my foot down. I even took away the "dress-up" stuff for a while.

I made "first make-up" a big deal for my girls. I started with my oldest on her 13th birthday. We went down to the waterfront and went through all the cool little shops looking for all the right stuff for her (just the basic eye make-up, blush and lip gloss). Then we stop for a snack or dinner, just the two of us. A real "girls night out" for the new teen & Mom. I've done this with both my older girls and it has been really fun & gave them something special to look forward to at that all important "I'm a teen now" birthday. I can't wait to do the same with my youngest.

Good luck and best wishes.

Wow, this is really tough. I admire how you're not shutting her out by being too harsh, because you want to know the truth about what's going on, but I think now that you do, you need to tighten up. I remember experimenting with kissing etc at this age, but was WELL AWARE that it was NOT ALLOWED so we would sneak and hardly ever had the opportunity and it passed pretty quickly before "real love" age later on. I would have never been allowed to have a boyfriend over in a billion years when I was 7. I don't think you should be hosting her and her boyfriend or letting them cuddle. Tell her they can be friends, but no kissing, snuggling or being boyfriend/girlfriend until 16-whatever age you make up, this should pass on it's own in the meantime or you're in trouble! Tell her your the mom and that's the rules and you don't care about Beyonce. Meanwhile keep their "playing together" more limited and supervised, and let her teacher know they aren't allowed to do that if she wouldn't mind keeping an eye out. It's not the end of the world if they sneak in a few cuddles, but they shouldn't think it's allowed, and they shouldn't be alone long enough for anything much to happen. As for the skimpy dressing-call me crazy-I wouldn't even allow it at home, although HOORAY for you not letting her out like that. Definitely don't encourage it or say she looks nice. DEFINITELY have your husband say,"I DO NOT think that looks nice. I would never let my husband sit idly by while my daughter dressed that way, because then she would really think it was acceptable. Start sending the message that girls look a lot prettier and smarter in classy clothes. Try to limit her access to trashy role models on TV etc. hello Hanna Montana. Not easy these days-I know. As she gets older, let her know you love her and trust her and she's beautiful, but the world is full of bad people who don't need to see her bare body. It blows my mind when parents allow their daughters to give pedophiles an eyeful just because their daughters who don't know better are pressuring them. Who's in CHARGE HERE?! Peer pressure is for kids, not for moms. As a fashion designer for 20 years, there has never been a season where ONLY skanky clothes are in style for young girls. There are always alternatives. I know you aren't on that path to Lolitaville. Just a caution to nip the steps towards that behavior in the bud, and let her know the rules early. You can worry about her sneaking mini skirts into her bag and changing at school later. At least if you don't allow it and don't buy it, and you've told her why in clear honest adult terms, you've done all you can do. Society sends the message, "Sexiest and Prettiest is best" to girls who haven't had time to discover their other values and talents yet. You have to be the boss. Good Luck and keep up the good work keeping tabs on her!

While I was reading your problem, I was thinking of my own. I have an almost 8 yo son who is always telling me that he's going to marry our friends' daughter, Lauren. We only see these friends about once a year when we go on vacation together, and that's only been for the past 3 years. We're leaving soon for vacation and have started talking to him about appropriate behavior. We told him that he's not allowed to snuggle with just Lauren on the couch anymore (she has 2 little sisters, he has a little sister and brother), but if everyone is on the couch it's ok. We've also had to tell him no smooching. It's cute, it's innocent, but as parents we've got to start teaching them appropriate ways to show affection early on. It sounds like you're on the right track (hopefully we are, too). I think freaking out about it will only lead to more "inappropriate" behavior, so let's try to keep it calm. One more thing, I remember being sent to the corner in kindergarten for kissing boys, so this isn't a new thing for our kids. Good luck.

You are the adult. You must tell her that her behavior is totally inappropriate for someone her age. We tell our kids (8 and 11) it doesn't matter what the other kids do...they are still responsible to do the RIGHT thing - and she will learn the right thing from YOU - not from the other kids.

I would not permit a 7 year old to wear skimpy clothes. You're just asking for trouble with that one. I would also speak to the boy's parents. His behavior is out of line as well.

HI. I know you posted this a few days ago but I would like to comment. First I will say I have a 9 year old daughter and thankfully she knows that boys have cooties and she is not aloud to date until she is 18. Lets see how long that lasts. But I am a little concerned because your daughter is younger then mine and I am wondering where she is learning this behavior. Do you have a older girl babysitting? I woudl talk to the boys parents like another mother suggested. Don't ever feel as though you cannot question someone she is your daughter. I would definately stop the clothing and make up behind clothes doors. I am not saying it is a bad thing but with how she is acting I woudl be a little nervous. Hope this helps good luck! Bonnie